I spent the next day watching the hours tick by. The closer it got to when I thought James would be home, the sicker I felt. He wouldn’t be the one I could turn to anymore, at least not in the same way. No comforting arms would hold me. I’d never kiss his perfect lips again, and oh lord, I didn’t even want to think about never getting to sleep with him again. It figures I would finally find the one and every obstacle in the world had to get in the way of our happiness. There was a brief knock at the bedroom door, and Caroline peeked her head in.
“James called. He’s almost home.” She paused, staring down me and my fake smile as I sat on my bed holding a book up. I wasn’t even reading it. I was just using it as a distraction while I thought about all the things I was about to lose. She stepped in further, shutting the door behind her.
“I don’t know what’s going on with you, but I know you’re probably over analyzing something. That’s usually when you shut down on me. You almost opened up yesterday, and I want you to trust me. But if you’d rather keep whatever is bothering you to yourself, I just want to remind you to please be rational. I’m worried about the thoughts swimming around in there.” She pointed to my head. “The emotional part of this gift is almost over, Ariya. Don’t let the last few days of it lead to any decisions you might regret.”
I stared back at her. She knew. Of course she did. Caroline knew me better than I imagined sisters would know each other. I gave a slight smile and nodded once at her.
Before I could think of another thing to say to her, I heard the door open, which startled me enough that I jumped out of bed. There was a blur as my door opened again, and I felt arms wrap around me. The tears welled up as the sick feeling disappeared for a single moment. James was home and safe. My body was twirled around before I was set back on the ground. My smile was weak, but the attempt was there.
What was I going to do when he put up a fight against what I was planning to say? How would I stay firm if he was arguing with me about us being together? Of course he would argue with me. He’d just told me how much he needed me a few days ago. I hadn’t prepared enough for this. I was going to mess it up. Oh gosh, oh gosh. My thoughts were interrupted by the kiss James had started to give me, so I pulled together as much inner strength as possible and turned away from him.
No, Ariya, you aren’t going to kiss him. You’re breaking up with him. I turned my head, successfully breaking away. The sickness returned. This was it.
“What is it? Ariya, are you okay?” he asked, concerned. Gosh, that voice. That perfect voice was going to haunt me forever if he never forgave me after this.
“Yes, fine. How was the trip?”
Caroline took the opportunity to sneak out of the room, but not before trying to get my attention. I ignored her, knowing very well that she knew what I was thinking. Finally, James and I were alone.
“I got everything I needed to done. I missed you, though.” He brushed my hair back with his hand like he had done so many times before and leaned in, trying to bring my lips to his a second time.
I backed away. He frowned at me and looked a little hurt. “Ariya?” he asked again.
“James, I...” I took a deep breath trying to steady myself. “I, uh, had some time to think when you were gone. I really tried to focus on my life and what I wanted these past few days.”
I looked up at him, but quickly back down at my hands, realizing I was not going to be able to make eye contact and continue.
“The thing is, I don’t know if I’m ready to give up having a family yet. It’s a big decision and I can’t focus on making it if you and I are together all the time. I think we should stop this, at least for awhile, so I can get a clear head. I, I can’t think straight when you’re around me, which I only realized once you were gone.” My voice was shaky, causing the last few words to be unconvincing.
Once I got it out, I looked up preparing myself for the argument to come. James’s face was emotionless. He didn’t say anything at all. He just watched me. He had clearly reverted back into his Protector attitude during my ramble, and I couldn’t help but break.
I had expected a very different reaction. I had expected him to be telling me he loved me, or he needed me again. Instead he just stood there, void of any emotion.
“Okay.” No sadness, no pain there, nothing but a single word.
I blinked a couple times, but realized that was a mistake because the tears came out freely once given the escape route. I opened my mouth to say something, but wasn’t sure what. I was shocked he wasn’t even going to try and fight me on this. I mean this was what I wanted, an easy end for now, but it was almost too easy. Like he was fine with that decision.
My heartbeat sped up again, and I had to remind myself that I needed to stay rational just like Caroline had taught me. Damn it, Ariya. It was hard to have any control with my rollercoaster starting up. I simply nodded and stared helplessly as he excused himself.
I stood at my door and watched as he left back out the front of the house, shouting to Nick that he was going to check the perimeter. Once that door shut, I closed and locked my own and burst into silenced sobs. My entire body shook as I crawled back into the bed. Repeating be rational to myself wasn’t working. I was breaking in a way I hadn’t thought possible. A knock drew my attention to my door, followed by Riley’s voice.
“Ariya, can I come in?” he asked, sounding desperate.
I got up and opened the door, immediately retreating back to my cocoon on the bed without looking at him.
“Close the door.” It was all I could manage to croak out. I was sure Nick and Caroline could hear the sobs that escaped past the silent barrier I tried to hold onto, but the door made me able to pretend I had some sort of privacy. I had to get it out now anyway, before James came back in the house.
Riley sat on the bed and started rubbing my back. “I guess you made a decision then?” His voice was somewhat comforting, but it wasn’t the voice I wanted to hear.
He thought I had been wrong in my choice earlier, but at least he said he understood. That was before I had even told him the information James’s father had laid out for me.
“Yes,” I whispered, choking a bit on the sobs that wouldn’t relent.
“It’s going to work out, Ariya. Once this is over, it’ll work out.” He kept rubbing my back.
The door flung open once more to reveal Caroline fuming. “What did I tell you, Ariya?” She slammed the door behind her and walked over to the bed. “I said to wait to make any decisions on anything until your birthday. You aren’t in the right state of mine. You’re being ridiculous. What are you doing, Riley?” she barked over at him.
He stopped rubbing my back for a moment to give her a look, or something. I couldn’t see, so I spoke instead. “It’s my business, Caroline. My decision,” I said softly not wanting to fight with her.
“You always used to include me in your life. Now you’re pushing us all away from you. It’s not like I don’t understand you anymore all of a sudden.” She softened a bit.
I pushed myself into a seated position. “That’s exactly it! You don’t understand. None of you do, because you think you’re the only ones who can be strong. You think I’m the only one in danger! It’s not true and I would think you know me well enough to know that I can’t risk anyone’s life for mine and be okay.”
I ranted realizing that if James could hear me, I was leaving out the key part in why I said we broke up, so I thought I’d throw that in there, too.
“And I don’t know if I’m ready to give up a family.” I knew it was unconvincing even as I said it.
“I know you lied to James, but now you’re lying to me, too? You don’t care about having a family anymore and I know it. I’m not stupid, Ariya. And I don’t care what your decision is, I just want to be a part of it. If you’re worried about the bloodline, I don’t care if it continues if it’s what you want. I can’t speak for the others, but this is me here. Talk to me. I’m your best friend, not your Protector,” she begged curling up closer to me on the bed.
Riley chimed in gently. “Ariya, you need to be honest with her. She deserves that much. You need to talk to a girl. I suck at this stuff.”
That comment was almost enough to break my sobs for a moment. Riley was right.
“Please don’t tell him,” I said, looking back at Caroline.
She knew that I meant I didn’t want James knowing about our conversations. She looked at me for a long moment before promising she wouldn’t. I went into the whole thing. My conversation with Riley, how I felt about everything that Audrey could do to James, and then my conversation with Marik all came pouring out of me. Caroline sat taking everything in and let me finish before she spoke up.
“You underestimate James’s abilities. But,” she took a deep breath and put her hand on my legs. “I can understand. I see why you are doing this. I don’t think it’s the right decision, but I can see how you think it is.”
It was almost exactly what Riley had said to me. These were the two people who knew me so well that they could push aside something they thought was right to see my side. People claimed to see the other side in arguments, but I never believed they did. Caroline and Riley though, they did, and they did it for me.
We sat there a little longer trying to talk about other things. I fell asleep somewhere during our conversation. It had felt like the past few days had my emotions higher than they had been the entire year. I hoped that meant they were about to return to normal, and they were just having their last hoorah. I just kept telling myself that everything was going to be okay.
***
I woke up from my nap still feeling drained. I didn’t want to face everyone, or more specifically, I didn’t think I could face James. The thought made me curl into a tighter ball as a sharp pain shot through my chest.
Glancing at the clock by the bed, I saw that it was seven a.m. Seven a.m.! I slept an entire day? Clearly, my body was still angry at me for the time I’d spent at Audrey’s and the abuse it took.
Everyone except Riley was in the living room. They stopped talking when I walked in. Caroline, not wanting me to feel uncomfortable, started up a conversation.
“So, birthday girl, what are we going to do for the big twenty-two? I know you’re excited. How many days is it now, six?” She smiled warmly at me.
“I don’t know,” I said thoughtfully. “Are we allowed to do anything?”
I glanced over at James. He was making himself busy with a book at a table up against the far wall, not looking at me.
Nick was the one to step up and answer. “Yes. We are getting out of this house. Riley already said he could get everyone to McGrady’s. With graduation Saturday, everyone is still in town.”
“I completely forgot about graduation. Oh my gosh, how am I going to explain,” I asked, stumbling through the words and not really expecting an answer.
“We took care of everything. For you and Riley. You’re both graduating.” Caroline winked at me before I could freak out anymore.
“Do I want to know how you pulled that off?” My body relaxed slightly. I had been paranoid about having to explain going from straight A’s to not graduating to my parents.
“I did what I had to do. I’m not walking up on stage by myself,” she snorted, leaning back into the couch with me. “While I’m thinking of it, call your mother. I pretended to be you a couple times, but I don’t know how convincing it was. I didn’t think you’d want her to worry.”
She walked up and gave me a hug. I grabbed on tighter and longer than I should have if I was trying to show I was okay, but she didn’t pull away.
“Anyway, Riley is renting out McGrady’s for your friends. So we’re having it there,” Nick said.
“Sounds fun.” I tried to smile back at him.
James still hadn’t spoken, and I knew I shouldn’t say anything to him for fear of him being able to see through me. Riley walked downstairs yawning.
“I thought you all were supposed to be night owls. This is ridiculous for everyone to be up in the morning,” he said groggily.
He hadn’t bothered putting a shirt on, and his sweatpants hung on his hipbones in a way I shouldn't have noticed. I tried not to stare as I remembered the dream Audrey sent to make me believe Riley and I were about to...ARIYA! Geez, I needed to stop thinking of him like that. Caroline was looking at me funny. I shrugged at her as if to say what? She looked away.
A loud cracking noise sounded from where James sat. Startled, I jumped up off the couch. Nick raised his eyebrows towards the kitchen, and Caroline’s mouth was slightly open.
“Sorry,” James said quietly. The once beautiful table that he’d been sitting at was now missing its entire left corner. Splintered wood littered the floor at his feet.
“We were just talking about the birthday plan for McGrady’s,” Caroline said to Riley, trying to drag our attention away from James.
“Oh yeah. Hey, James, we need to go get stuff at the store, can we head out?”
James nodded, standing up from the crushed table while Riley ran back up the stairs hollering about getting dressed. The boys left less than ten minutes later, which left Caroline and I alone again.
"You want to tell me why you couldn't stop staring at Riley sans shirt this morning?" she asked.
"I wasn't staring," I argued defensively, even though I knew I was.
"Liar," she laughed. "James cracked the table he got so jealous. Seriously, what's up?"
"James did not crack the table because of that. I’m sure it was something else. And I don't know, Care. Sometimes I see how easy it would be with him. I do have feelings for him, but Riley actually put it into words perfectly. James just takes up so much of my heart there isn't really room for me to be able to feel like that for anyone else." She nodded at me.
"Plus, one of the dreams Audrey gave me was quite an intimate one about Riley. I thought it was real until she woke me up. It got graphic and him prancing around shirtless reminded me of it." I felt my face flush and Caroline snorted.
"I wouldn't have minded being dream assaulted with visions like that." We both laughed again. If that was the only thing Audrey had made me dream, it wouldn't have been that bad.
“Ariya, just be careful. He’s not as tough as he makes out to be and I know he still loves you.”
That sobered me up and I bobbed my head once in response. "How's James?" I changed the subject. He seemed fine to me, just quieter, and I knew I shouldn't be bringing it up.
Caroline looked at me sympathetically. "I don't know. He hasn't talked to me about anything. I think he's talked to Nick, but Nick won't really bring it up with me. I'm sure he's hurting. It hasn’t even been a full day though, you know. It’ll be fine."
"I don't want him to be hurting, but I was surprised at how well he took it."
"He's always wanted what was best for you. If you made it seem like it was the best decision, then he's going to do what you asked."
I knew I had no right to be angry with James for not fighting for us. He was doing exactly what I wanted, which meant he was safer. I decided to focus on the future instead of dwelling on it any longer. Caroline and I continued going through the plans for my birthday, and I let myself start to get excited. It was the first thing I’d had to look forward to since before I was taken.
***
The six days before my birthday passed uneventfully. There were no more emotional outbursts, no more drama. I was going to be myself again, and it felt good to know the rollercoaster was coming to an end.
James had been distant and reminded me a lot of his father, which was scary. Apparently he was fine with everyone else, even Riley. It was just when I was around that he would assume the quiet, watchful role. If that’s what it was supposed to be like, then good. Hopefully he was able to concentrate on everyone’s safety. I prayed he was thinking about his own safety too, but I scoffed at myself as soon as the thought popped into my head. James never thought about his own safety.
My birthday arrived and I stretched out on the bed letting feelings of excitement for the day wash over me. We were going out and we would have fun. I had woken with no falling dream and thought the day was already off to a great start. No falling dream meant that emotion might be gone for good, and James wasn’t even in bed with me. This was a first for sleeping alone. I made a stretching, mixed with groaning noise, wanting to start the day but relishing in the comfort of my bed a moment longer. Before I could get up, Riley and Caroline bounded into the room with holding gifts.
"Happy Birthday!" they shouted in unison.
I laughed as they bounced into bed with me. It almost felt like the old days before the vampires revealed themselves. How we had all managed to stay intact was beyond me, but I was so grateful. I gave them both big hugs.
"You guys weren't supposed to get me anything!" I scolded them seeing the gifts.
"Oh shut up and open the damn presents, Ariya." Riley shoved his into my hand. His first gift was a bottle of wine called Vampire, and he burst out laughing when I opened it.
"Perfect." I laughed at how funny he found it. I started opening the second gift, but paused. Whatever it was, it was in a jewelry box.
"Riley," I started hesitantly.
"Just open it, dweeb. It's a graduation gift too, so don't worry."
I opened the box to reveal a beautiful silver circle necklace with a diamond in the upper corner that had a design around it making it look like a star. Inside the box was a note. May you always be surrounded by people who can lead you home. Love, Riley
"Riley, this is too much." My eyes teared up. "Why did you spend so much?"
"I thought the emotional thing was over. Why are you crying?" he joked.
I punched his arm.
"I didn't spend a lot I promise. My uncle is a jeweler and I was getting you this as a graduation gift anyway, I told you."
I shook my head at him. "Thank you." I put the necklace on after admiring it a moment longer. It made me sad thinking of my beautiful pearls that I would never see again. But I banished the thought of that as soon as it came. I wouldn’t dwell on that place or the things taken from me.
"My turn!" Caroline shouted. "This is from Nick, too." She handed me another small box.
"If it's more jewelry, I'm making both of you return your stuff."
She laughed. "It's not! Open it!"
I did as instructed to find a folded up piece of paper in a box. I frowned, confused, and opened the paper. Look in the closet.
I got out of bed and walked over to the closet in the temporary room I’d been staying in here. It was filled with clothes all pre-separated into outfits. There were at least ten in there.
"Mine's graduation too, so you can't get mad," she said defensively before I could even think of something to say to her.
I stared at both of them. “Guys, I can't take this much from you. Your graduation gifts suck compared to this.” I had gotten them what I thought were pretty great items when Caroline and I were out shopping, but they were nowhere near as wonderful as these gifts.
"You didn't have as much time to do anything like we did." Caroline smiled sadly at me.
"I don't know what to say. Thank you." I folded them both up in a hug again.
When I pulled away, they were beaming at me. Caroline told me to put on the first outfit in the closet until tonight. Tonight I would wear the dress we bought together.
I obeyed as they left, giving me a moment to get ready. When I emerged, Nick and James were in the kitchen cooking, but the pink roses were what caught my eye. They were scattered around the entire house. There had to be at least twelve dozen. Some were in small vases, some in large, and the smell was exquisite.
"Happy Birthday!" Nick yelled. “We’re making breakfast.”
James looked up and smiled at me even though it didn't reach his eyes. "Happy Birthday, Ariya," he said, causing my heart to beat painfully hard with a mixture of excitement from his voice and pain from the separation.
His expression clouded as I stood there trying to keep myself together. I looked away. Seeing him had caused my high for the morning to stop for a moment. I’d hoped all these deep emotions would end today, however that had obviously been wishful thinking.
Besides adoring Caroline and Riley this morning, the strongest emotion I felt was what was in my heart for James. Part of me was glad that hadn't changed, but the other part made me sad that he wasn't mine right now. I tried smiling at him, but it didn't come out as confidently as I wanted.
“This is too much. Thank you.” I walked around admiring the flowers and noticed a note in one of them. I opened it up thinking it was a group card.
Hoping this will give you a reason to smile again. James.
It was such a romantic gesture. Tears welled up as I carefully tucked the card back in place amongst the flower stems. When I looked up at James, he quickly averted his own eyes. I wondered if he was hurting as much as I was and was simply better at covering it up.
We all sat and ate together. Well, Riley and I ate while the others talked. The conversation was strained, as if the others were making an effort to keep things flowing for me. I shook the negative feelings away, which was easier to do now that I felt in control again. I got involved in the conversations full on. This was going to be a happy day.
We spent the full day together, hanging out, watching movies, and we even went on a birthday cake run to the store. It was wonderful and over-emotional free, and I got to be surrounded by my closest friends.
My parents called to wish me happy birthday, and I tried catching up with them since it had been awhile since we spoke. Caroline had done a better job pretending to be me than she thought because a couple times my Mom interrupted, laughing and saying she already knew what I was telling her.
I hung up the phone, happy to finally be free of the chains that my emotions had wrapped around me for the past few months.