After fielding a few more phone calls and running errands, I was surprised to have Caroline telling me we needed to get ready. The day had slipped away quickly. Apparently the gang had McGrady’s rented for dinner too, so we were going to be there a while.
That was fine with me. I felt like we hadn't been out for more than an hour or two at a time in forever. It was going to be freeing to spend a whole evening away tonight.
I smiled at the thought and felt like I was being watched. I glanced up to see James looking at me, but again he looked away as soon as we made eye contact. It was sure to be an interesting evening trying to avoid staring at him.
Caroline took over my hair and makeup, dolling me up to look pretty good. I was shocked at the face that was looking back at me. I was still too skinny from my time with Audrey, but at least I didn't look like the skeleton I had been. The bruises were faded thanks to Ingrid's healing and the time I’d been here. I smiled at the face reflecting back at me.
"Nice work, Caroline. Your best ever, I think," I claimed, grinning at her.
"Oh, I know," she laughed. "Now get dressed while I do myself up."
She took about sixty seconds to do what she needed. I hadn't even finished getting dressed, and she was ready to walk out the door. I threw everything on, quickening my pace, eager for an entertaining evening out with my friends. Caroline was so excited about my transformation which made me happy and made me feel even better about how I looked.
The boys were already in the living room waiting. When I walked in, Riley gaped at me for a minute.
“Nice, Ariya,” he commented.
My eyes had gone directly to James though, and my breath caught. He was wearing dark jeans and a white button down with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. He looked like he’d just stepped off the set of a photo shoot. This was unfair. The other boys were charming too, don't get me wrong, but James stood out. He caught me doing a once over on him. I tried to play it off like I hadn't been drooling, which just made me look crazy, I was sure of it.
Riley was ready for a party. I wasn't sure if he had ever been cooped up this long before. I felt bad for having dragged him into this mess his senior year when he was supposed to be enjoying all college had to offer.
"Let's get going, party people!" he hollered, dragging me out of the room. "You do look amazing by the way," he leaned in and kissed my cheek. I pushed away from him beaming at the remark.
When we got to McGrady's, it was already full of people I knew from my years at Kingsbrook. Our entire dorm from freshman year had made an appearance. Having graduation coming up on Saturday meant nothing better to do for the crowd, so dinner was not the intimate gathering I assumed it would be. We pushed tables together, and I tried to get around to say hello to everyone.
Many questions and comments were made about where I had been or did I fall off the face of the earth. I just smiled and joked around about studying to make sure I graduated. Despite the charade, I felt normal again. It freaked me out that the gift's emotional baggage could be switched off so abruptly. I wasn't angry, overly excited, anxious, or possessed with any extreme emotion in any direction. I felt like me. I felt confident and happy again. I loved having my good old self back.
I tried to not glance over at James, but was happy to find that when I did, he seemed to be enjoying time with Nick. They both seemed to be on duty but at least they were talking and smiling. Or they made it appear that way so people thought they were distracted. I hadn't learned the Protector techniques that well yet, so I used that as an excuse to stare. James only caught me a couple times, even though he could have been ignoring all the other times.
Dinner was cleared away, and the dancing and drinking commenced. Caroline was doing a great job of getting me thoroughly drunk. We were acting like we used to, and I felt exactly how I’d hoped I would. Free.
Riley picked me up, lifting me onto the bar and bringing out a scream of delight from me. Caroline hopped up to join us and placed a shot of something in my hand. I tilted it back, realizing I should probably slow down if I wanted to last the rest of the evening. I also thought about how I was in a dress, on a bar, and I set the shot glass down and went to jump off.
Getting off a bar while intoxicated is not as easy as it looks, and in the process, I slipped. I let out a gasp and would have taken a fairly embarrassing spill if I didn’t fall firmly into James’s awaiting arms. I looked up as he held me, thinking that this was not a good place to be while drunk. It was a very real possibility that I was going to ignore every thought I had about keeping my distance.
"Don't you think you've had enough?" he whispered in my ear.
I knew he meant enough to drink, but my body was answering as if it had been a question about us being apart. I pushed myself into him before remembering that James hadn't put up a fight for me at all. He had accepted the break up and moved on without another thought. I stopped my ridiculously drunken mistake before it got much further and leaned away a bit.
"I can take care of myself," I retorted, trying to push out of his grasp.
He held onto me firmly and raised his eyebrow, questioning that statement. "You realize Caroline processes alcohol five times faster than you, right? You can't keep up with her." He was trying to speak in his emotionless voice, but I heard the tiny bit of concern lacing the edges.
Well, I thought to myself, if James had been watching throughout all of college like he’d said, then he knew I'd been out with Caroline and Riley plenty of times like this.
"It’s never stopped me from trying before."
I pushed away from him again, this time trying to give him a playful smile even though I was still hurt. He narrowed his eyes at me, but I turned away before I could see any more. I was going to cave and jump his bones if I stayed that close to him any longer tonight.
Riley was off the floor, and he grabbed me by surprise, twirling me into him. I hadn't even noticed him standing near me and thought he was still up on the bar.
"Princess," he said, spinning me out again.
"No more spinning!" I laughed, feeling dizzy enough already from drinking.
He tugged my arm and pulled me into him. "Gosh, you're beautiful."
"And you're hammered," I pointed out.
"Not hammered enough." He took my face in both his hands and looked at me like he was going to kiss me. He leaned down and I froze. Jerking away from him would be the wrong thing to do. I was scared only a moment before I saw something else in his eyes and he stopped himself.
"I think I'll go have another drink," he said.
As he stepped away, my heart broke. He was lying when he said that spending time with me wasn't upsetting him. I couldn't tell until that moment.
Suddenly, I didn't want to drink anymore. I wanted to go home. I was so ashamed that I had been so blinded. Riley wasn't getting over me, not when I kept turning to him for everything and encouraging our friendship. I realized Caroline had been right. He was in love with me, and I hadn’t been careful enough. As much as Riley said there was no room in my heart, he hadn't truly convinced himself or he'd let me go.
I walked towards the front doors to get some air, feeling sticky from the sweat and alcohol dripping from me. Trying to push through the crowd proved to be impossible. Seeing it was pointless, I turned instead towards the restrooms. I locked myself in a stall to catch a breather and pull myself together. Note to self, stay away from James and Riley the rest of the night.
Why in the world would I choose to get drunk the first night my emotions were back to normal? Drunk Ariya was emotional anyway, even without the gift. I had longed for control, and yet there I was, giving it up again. I was an idiot.
I went to the mirror to make sure that makeup wasn’t running down my face. I dabbed a tissue under my eyes, trying to clean up the mess I’d made. Caroline would kill me if her masterpiece was ruined our first night back out in the world of the living. Everything looked fine after a couple more dabs. I took a calming breath and yanked open the door, determined to enjoy the rest of the evening.
I had just barely made it out of the bathrooms when James caught me in his arms. He gently pushed me to the wall and put his arm beside my face, blocking my view. Oh, my body needed to stop reacting like this to him. My pulse quickened. He was hiding me from the crowd, but I wasn't sure why. His face made it look like he was calm. He had his head cocked to the side, towards the front door I had tried to get out of earlier. He must have noticed I had been upset.
"Are you all right?"
"Fine," I said. I didn't want to talk more than I had to because I wasn’t sure my voice would come out steady enough.
He brought his body closer to mine, and I involuntarily shivered, but he was good enough not to mention it. I gulped and noticed his body tense a bit.
"Look at me, Ariya."
I wasn't sure what the point of looking at him was besides embarrassing me. I hated myself for the thoughts I had in my head about him right at that moment. He felt so good standing this close to me. I wanted him so badly my knees shook.
Instead of looking at him, I grabbed his shirt and buried my face into his chest bringing him in closer to me. He smelled even better than I remembered. James left one hand on the wall, but the other went to my face and tilted my chin up towards his. Oh for heaven’s sake! Why was I unable to have any self-control around this man?
"Sorry," I said quietly, humiliation burning through me.
"Ariya, focus." His voice was stern and it snapped me out of the lustful place I had just been. Something was wrong.
"We're surrounded," he said, calmly.
My body shook again but not for the same reasons as before. "What do you mean? Where's everyone else?" Panic replaced the lust and awkwardness. I was thankful it wasn't as strong as I had experienced before today, but it was still there.
"Caroline and Nick are with Riley." He leaned down whispering in my ear. I realized now we were trying to blend in as a couple in the crowd. That's why he was this close to me.
"I need you to promise you'll do what I say. Nod if you will." I nodded. He pulled back, looking me in the face again. "You're going to be fine, okay? This will be over in a minute. There’s nothing to fear."
His gentle voice captivated me. I shook my head again, not taking my eyes away from his, wanting to save this moment in my memory of James here this close to me. Yeah, this was definitely not an appropriate time to be having such thoughts.
He took my hand and turned me towards one of the back doors that I thought led out to the kitchen. We heard a noise and he pulled me to the side of the room deep into the shadows, putting his fingers to his lips. He covered my entire body with his. After a moment, he pulled my hand again and we went out the back door.
He yanked on my hand firmly once we were out the doors, turning me to face him. "Ariya, run."
"No. I'm not leaving you." I panicked, my eyes darting around to see where the danger was coming from.
"You promised. Please. Run. Now," he demanded forcefully and pushed me lightly in the direction he wanted me to go. I stumbled and looked back at him.
He had turned away from me, trusting I'd go. I promised him and every other time I broke my promise had been bad. I started running, but was stopped dead in my tracks by a growl followed by a laugh I knew all too well.
Tristan.
He was here! But then again, so was James. I couldn't continue. I knew I should. I had promised. I knew if I ran I would be safe. That was the plan in James’s mind, which meant it would work. However, I couldn’t leave him, just the thought made me nauseous, and I ran back the little ways I had gone. Thankfully, the only figures there were Tristan and James.
"She doesn't listen well, does she?" Tristan smiled.
James spoke, not taking his eyes off Tristan. "Ariya, do what I said."
"She probably misses me too much to run, don't you sweetheart?" Tristan grinned widely again.
"How are you healing up, asshole?" I spat back at him.
"Quite well. If you're concerned, perhaps I can test it out to see just how well once I bring you back to the house. There isn't another woman I'd like to test it on more, and Audrey has given me rights to you." He chuckled maniacally.
I glared at him, and in the moment that Tristan was distracted, James lunged at him. I gasped, but James was quicker than Tristan, especially since he’d caught him off guard. James had him by the throat on the ground in less than a second. Tristan struggled against him, but James was stronger.
The fear I had felt faded a bit when I saw James in action. He’d been able to best Tristan easily. Two other wolves approached, making my settled feeling falter momentarily. Tristan was gasping for air, and I thought James might actually kill him right there. The other wolves jumped James before he could finish.
"This isn't over," Tristan yelled in a harsh, gruff voice.
I was surprised he could speak at all after the way James had been strangling him. James threw the other wolves off without any trouble and they all retreated. Their easy retreat concerned me. Was James that much of a threat? Maybe I did underestimate him.
James grabbed my arm and started dragging me quickly in the direction he had told me to run. His grip was rough, and it was obvious he was angry with me.
"Why do you never listen?" he snarled.
He was pissed and I struggled against him, wanting him to let me go, but he just tightened his grip. We headed towards a black car in the distance, sitting alone in the middle of the woods. I wondered if they had planned this out after we were surrounded, or if they’d prepared in advance in case we were attacked. James threw the passenger door open and pushed me inside. Geez! He was so angry. Of course he was angry. I lied to him yet again. I had promised him I’d do what he asked, and then disobeyed. I was turning out to be quite a liability.
When he got in the car, he gripped the steering wheel before turning to me. His eyes were blazing and parts of the vampire I had so rarely seen were starting to come out.
"What if there had been more wolves than Tristan? I couldn't have fought them and protected you, Ariya! I can't do this if you don't listen to me. How many times are we going to have this argument before you get it?" His voice was laced with rage and frustration.
He’d never spoken to me like this before. He was exasperated with me and rightly so.
"I couldn't just leave you, okay!" I shouted right back.
"For the last time, Ariya, I can take care of myself. I’m not going to have this discussion again." His voice was lowered and it came out more like a snarl.
I let out an indignant humph noise and faced the window. He shoved the keys into the ignition and slammed the gear shifter in reverse, peeling out into the woods further. It took a few moments before he seemed to noticeably calm himself down.
"What was Tristan talking about? Did he do something to you while you were with them?" I tried to think what he was referencing and then remembered Tristan’s suggestive comment before James lunged at him.
"Uhh, no. Not exactly. It's a long story," I said, not wanting to rehash the details and risk James getting mad again.
"We have time," James coolly informed me. Well great, I thought. That means I'd be in the car awhile with a grumpy vampire. What the heck? He is already pissy. I might as well get it out now.
"I stopped helping them when I thought you’d died. They had me in the cellar, and a doctor came every so often to collect my blood forcefully. I wasn’t eating, so Tristan tried to force me. He…well he kissed me a couple times when I couldn’t fight him.” James’s grip on the steering wheel tightened, so I continued quickly, trying to rush through the rest of it.
“One day the doctor let it slip that they were stockpiling my blood in Audrey’s office. When I escaped, I didn't want them to have the blood they’d collected. I knew I wasn't supposed to, but I went back to Audrey's office instead of running out of the house.
“Tristan caught me in there alone. I tried to think of a legitimate reason to be snooping around. I was bruised and Tristan had broken my arm…well, you saw me. So, I told him that I thought if I drank my own blood, I’d heal my injuries. I know it was a dumb thing to say to him, but he is an idiot and believed me. He said he wanted to watch, and I noticed he was, umm, excited."
This was embarrassing. James quirked his eyebrow showing he understood, and I sighed before I continued.
"Since my arm was broken, I couldn’t cut open the bag and told him I needed help. He came over, and I asked him to hold the blood bag while I had the scissors. I cut the bag open, and then I jammed the scissors into his…area. He was pissed. And injured. And then I ran."
James laughed. He was laughing at me. How dare he laugh at me? "It was traumatic, it's not funny!" I yelled. “It was awful.”
I slumped into my seat, annoyed that James was finding the situation funny. I had been scared out of my mind that I wouldn’t escape the house after that.
His features darkened at my reaction. "Oh, I will kill him for what he said, trust me. The injury itself is funny, Ariya, I’m sorry. You just never cease to amaze me."
He smiled over at me to reassure me that he didn’t think the situation was funny and that relaxed me. He even seemed proud of me. We sat in silence a couple moments after that exchange.
"Where are we going?" I finally spoke up, hating that this is how things were between us now.
"Can't tell you yet," was all he said and shook his head as if telling me to stop asking questions.
Fine, I thought. That just left me to worry about if we would ever work things out. He told me he needed me, but it must not be too bad if he was fine with how things were between us. The alcohol was distracting, and I couldn’t really tell if I was overreacting now because of it.
I glanced over at James as he maneuvered through the night. He was relaxed, his white shirt unbuttoned and his hair ruffled from the fight with Tristan. My heart and stomach started fluttering. All I wanted to go back to the way things were two weeks ago.
My mind started trailing off into things I really shouldn't be thinking about after almost being taken right back to the werewolf den. I could feel my cheeks flush and my heart began thudding so hard I thought it was going to start causing chest pains. I closed my eyes, remembering the night I came home and James’s hands, frantic and all over me.
"Ariya!" James sucked in his breath, startling me.
"What?" I got nervous and looked behind us and out the windows to see if anyone was following us.
"Please, calm down. I'm sure the others are fine. Everything is working out how it should. There's no need to work yourself up." He sounded calm, but he gripped the steering wheel again so hard that his knuckles were white.
"I'm not working myself up," I said matter of factly.
I had no clue what James was talking about since I hadn't said a word. I was just sitting there quietly fantasizing about what was no longer mine. I leaned back closing my eyes again.
"I can hear your heartbeat, and it's distracting." His voice stormed into my daydream again.
"Wow, my bad. What would you like me to do? Stop breathing?"
What was his problem? He could always hear my heart with his stupid super hearing, so what did it matter? He was starting to piss me off.
"Don't be absurd. Just stop worrying about the others. I'm sure Caroline and Nick are fine. Which means Riley is fine too, so you don't have to worry."
So that's what he thought. He thought my heart was racing because I was worried about Riley. It's not like I could argue and say no, James, you're wrong. I am not thinking about Riley, or even worried about my friends who are probably in danger, because I'm selfish. I'm thinking about how I wish you had no clothes on and that we were alone somewhere together right now.
I tried to take a few deep breaths. I closed my eyes again to calm myself, but instead, my thoughts picked right back up where they had left off--in bed with James.
"Ariya," he said again, not bothering to hide the fact that I was making him angry or frustrated. I couldn’t tell which this time. I just knew his emotions were somewhere in that vicinity.
"What? I'm sorry, okay! I can't help it. I'm not worried. It's fine. I just need to distract myself. Sorry,” I said, ending my mini-rant sarcastically.
I hated being criticized by him. Who cares if my heartbeat sped up? I regretted snapping at him the minute it came out, but I couldn’t help it.
"Ariya," he started again much more calmly after my outburst. "What is going on with you? Did I do something to upset you?”
I glared back at him as his eyes flicked back over to the road. "No," I said rudely.
"What is it then? Is it Riley?" He wasn’t letting that go.
That threw me over the edge. If James assumed I was with Riley one more time, I was going to punch him in the face. I was sure that in a non-alcohol induced stupor, I would have recognized that that was the only logical conclusion he could have drawn. I’d told James that I might want kids, and then spent all my time with Riley. Who else would there be making me think I wanted a family? But the fact was that I was in an alcohol-induced stupor, and so instead of calmly handling the situation, I lashed out at James.
"No it's not about Riley. I'm not with Riley. I'm not thinking about Riley."
I pushed my hands into my knees, trying to stabilize myself against the seat as much as possible. I’d had way too much to drink; I realized that happy little fact a little too late. My head was spinning. James was right. I really shouldn't have tried to keep up with Caroline. It's not like I had ever really been able to.
"Well, are you scared for yourself? I'm just trying to help you. You don't have to keep pushing me away. I'm doing my job." His voice had taken on a caring tone, and it annoyed me. It shouldn’t annoy me, I should remember to be thankful that he was still here with me.
"Yeah, that's the problem," I mumbled.
"Excuse me?" he asked, a bit shocked.
I knew I had no right to speak to him that way. All he was doing was trying to help me. I needed to shut up before I ruined things.
"Nothing." I knew James heard my comments.
Vampire hearing is really getting on my nerves, I thought. It wasn’t safe to say anything within a mile of one of them it seemed.
"Ariya, what is your problem? What did I do to you? You ended things and you're acting like you have a right to be upset with me about it. Tell me right now, what is going on?"
Shut up, shut up, shut up, Ariya! I screamed at myself internally. Don't say a word. I really wished the alcohol was out of my system.
"You're just totally okay with that though. Yes, I ended things, but you just said okay. Like it was no big deal." I wanted to suck the words back into my mouth as swiftly as they had come out.
"So what, you were testing me, and I didn't pass? Are you honestly angry with me for that, Ariya? I did what you asked. I gave you space. What more do you want from me?"
"I just, I don't understand why you were okay with it. I mean why are you okay with it?” I questioned him meekly, hating myself for the millionth time this evening.
James just stared out the windshield. "There really is no point in discussing this further. It doesn't matter if I'm okay with it. It's what you want, right?"
The tension in the car was thick. I was proud of myself for not climbing over the console, grabbing him right then and there, and crushing myself into him.
I pulled my gaze from him to stare out the window and felt fear race through me. I was supposed to be the strong one staying away so that James would be safe, but instead, I was trying to force a conversation about what his feelings were. What was wrong with me? Had this whole thing made me the most selfish person on earth?
"Right," I agreed softly and decided I should probably sleep off whatever alcohol remained in my system so that I wasn't tempted to speak to James anymore.