Chapter Thirty

As the celebration draws to a close, Ryder and I head back to our house. We take our time, enjoying the peacefulness of the night, not really minding the cold anymore as we enjoy each other’s company. The others wander along behind us, watching us with obvious concern. I know they saw us together during the song, and I know they saw how it affected us so deeply, but none of them know why or what to say. So they remain quiet and just watch, looking for any sign that something is wrong.

When we reach the house, everyone gathers in the living room, taking up every available seat on the couch, chairs, and the floor. Allen, Chad, and Roberts join us, and together we make a rough plan of attack. “Unfortunately, we don’t know the layout of this area where the lab is,” Allen begins. “and we don’t know the extent of the disease. So we’re going in blind and to an extent, we’ll just have to hope that things work out for the best. What we can plan for however, is what to do in the event that we get separated from one another.”

“We should try and keep our group evenly divided, that way if something does happen nobody is left on their own to fend for themselves. Everyone will hopefully have a capable partner to help watch their backs. We’re going to move as one group for as long as we can, but be prepared to split off if the need arises. We might need a few people to go ahead and forge a path for us in order to ensure the cure gets to the lab. Everyone here needs to know what that entails, and the consequences.”

Aaron’s words weigh heavily on us, and we all know immediately what they mean. If we do have to split up in order to clear a path, whoever goes most likely isn’t coming back. How does any leader decide who will be the ones to lay their lives on the line? What kind of affect will that have on a leader over time? He basically has to choose which of us will most likely die if the occasion calls for it.

“Chad and Roberts have volunteered to clear a path if we get trapped. I’ll remain with your group to offer any assistance I can.”

“You guys understand what it means to volunteer for this?”

“Of course,” Roberts says. “I spent the majority of my time hiding alone like a coward while everyone around me either died or left to take their chances. It’s time I take a chance myself. It worked out for me well enough the first time when I took a chance on you lot.”

Aaron smiles, but it’s more of a relieved look than a happy one. “I’m really grateful to all of you,” he says, looking around the room. “None of us would have made it where we are today without each other, and that’s something I’ll never forget. No matter what happens tomorrow, I think it’s safe to say that we’ve all made a lasting impression in each other’s lives. I’ll never forget any of you, and I hope none of you will ever forget me and everything we’ve been through together.”

Madison hugs Aaron, burying her face in his chest and wrapping her arms tightly around him. “Oh, Aaron! I could never forget you. You know that. We’re going to be fine, and you and I are going to grow old together.”

“I hope you’re right,” he says, pulling away from her. “I’m just so worried. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you. Or any of you for that matter. We’ve already lost so much to get here. I don’t think I can take another death so soon.”

“Try not to think about the things that might go wrong tomorrow,” Ryder advises. “Stay positive. If you don’t, it just makes it more likely that you’ll screw up and something bad will happen.”

“Sounds like some cliché advice,” Todd says.

Ryder shrugs. “It is, but it’s true. We were taught to never think about the bad things that might happen, like losing friends, or being hurt or killed. Cause if you worry about that kind of thing, you’re not focused one hundred percent on the job at hand, and you’re likely to screw up. Important missions like this can’t be half-assed. Give it all of your attention or don’t do it. We can’t worry about who we’re going to lose tomorrow, or we’re going to lose everything.”

I don’t like how morbid this discussion is getting. I’m glad to know that Aaron cares deeply about everyone and doesn’t want to lose us, but his tone makes me think he’s already trying to accept our deaths. Maybe even his own. I know Ryder and Aaron are similar in that they’ll do anything to keep us safe, perhaps even at the expense of their own lives. Is Aaron preparing himself to say goodbye to some of us, or is he preparing us to say goodbye to him?

“Well talking about our feelings isn’t going to get anything accomplished,” Todd says. “We’ll have time to say our goodbyes to those we care about most in a little bit. But for now, we should be planning. We don’t wanna leave anything up to chance tomorrow.”

Madison stares at him, her eyebrow raised. “And since when have you become such a tactician?”

“Since I don’t plan on dying tomorrow,” he says dryly. “Now let’s get back to the plans.”

“He’s right,” Allen says. “We’ll have plenty of time to say our goodbyes. It’ll be a long drive from here to Detroit. Our time now is best spent working on a plan to keep as many of us alive as possible.”

The talk turns back to our strategy. It’s mostly dominated by Ryder, Aaron, and Allen while the rest of us sit quietly around the room and listen, taking mental notes to keep things straight. But Chad and Roberts both offer up valuable thoughts, making the others reconsider something once or twice. I remain quite throughout the discussion, knowing that I don’t have any training or experiences in planning that will benefit the conversation.

Eventually, Allen’s watch beeps, signaling the hour. He looks down at it and runs his hand over his thick goatee. “It’s midnight. We should all probably turn in for the night and try to get some sleep. Today is the biggest day of our lives, and it’s going to be a long one.” He gets to his feet, and Chad and Roberts follow him to the door. “Meet us early tomorrow by the front wall. We’ll have the bus stocked with what we’re gonna need. We won’t hang around here for too long.”

The door closes behind them, and the rest of us quickly begin to disperse. Ryder and I are the first to get away from the living room, and we shut ourselves in our bedroom. He looks ready to object, but I silence him with a quick look, a look that begs him not to take this last night from me. Without a word, he gives in, letting me close the door and crawl into bed with him. I snuggle close, draping myself across his chest while he wraps his good arm around my waist, holding me tight.

“How are you feeling?”

“Nervous,” he says.

“I don’t mean about tomorrow, Ryder. I mean you. How are you feeling?”

For a minute, there’s no sound in the darkened room except for the lightness of our breathing. “Tired. I feel really, really tired,” he finally says. And I hear the truth of it in his voice. It’s tight and quiet, like it kills him to even speak. “And I’m scared,” he admits. “The bite itches really badly, and I took a peek at it a little bit ago and it was turning a really dark purple color, almost black. Soon it’ll start leaking pus. Not to mention I have a killer headache that won’t go away.”

I feel around for his forehead, my movements clumsy in the dark, and place the back of my hand against it. “You’re feeling a little warm to the touch,” I say, trying to keep the fear out of my voice. “You’ll be alright though.” I’m not sure which of us I’m trying to convince more, but if he calls me on my bluff, he doesn’t let me know.

“This could be our last night together,” he says quietly, his breath warm against my face.

“Don’t say that.”

“But it’s true. Any number of things could go wrong later. I might lose you, or you might lose me. I don’t know what I would do if we came all this way, just to trip at the finish line. If you were taken from me…”

I kiss his cheek, feeling the scratchy bristles of his unshaved face graze my skin. “Tomorrow night, you and I will both be right here, in this bed, together. Nothing is going to separate the two of us.”

“We’ve been through too much for you to still be this naïve,” he says, but I hear a change in his voice as he says it, a change that makes me think my naiveté is exactly what he needs right now. He turns and kisses my forehead, his lips lingering against my skin. He finally pulls away and I almost whimper at the loss of contact. “Get some sleep if you can.”

We both lie in the darkened room, neither of us speaking, but unable to fall asleep.

*****

In the morning, we get out of bed as the sun starts to come up. I don’t wear a watch, but I’m sure it’s not even seven in the morning yet, and I almost groan at the thought of starting our day already. Even though both Ryder and I managed to fall asleep sometime during the night, I don’t feel refreshed at all, and neither does he. I can tell with just one look that he’s getting worse, and he flinches away from me when I reach for his arm.

He almost fights me over it, but he finally relents and lets me clean the wound. I don’t feel like starting a fight with him on what might be our last morning together and I get the feeling Ryder feels the same way. Leading him into the bathroom, I unwrap the wound and get my first good look at it in hours. The sight of it is enough to break my heart, but I try to keep my face expressionless so he thinks I can be strong today.

I clean the wound and put a fresh bandage on it. When we’re done, we head downstairs to grab the rest of our stuff. Everyone is already downstairs and ready to go, so we hurry to get our stuff together. Finally, we’re out the door and making our way to the front gate to meet with Allen. The bus is ready and waiting for us in front of the gate, and I can’t help but notice how secure and badass it looks, splattered with blood and guts and with a deadly snow plow on the end.

Chad and Roberts are chugging what smells strongly like coffee while talking with Annette. She has a big smile on her face and is clearly a morning person, even though nobody else looks like they want to be here this early. They nod in our direction as we pass by but don’t offer any other greeting, which I’m sort of thankful for. I want to get out on the road as soon as we can to ensure Ryder has the best chance of getting to Detroit before turning. I don’t want us to be kept here by well-wishers who don’t understand the magnitude of the situation.

“Everything is ready to go,” Allen says calmly, motioning to the bus behind him. “We can leave as soon as you’re ready.”

“We’re ready now,” Aaron says. “Ryder doesn’t have long until he starts to turn, and we’re going to need his skills to get through to the lab. We can’t afford to waste any time.”

It’s eerie to hear someone else voicing similarly morbid thoughts about Ryder’s condition. He gives my hand a comforting squeeze, and I try to put it to the back of my mind for now.

“But before we go, I have to ask. What’s going to happen with Hannah? After her reaction yesterday, it’s not safe to bring her along with us, but I don’t wanna leave her alone in an unfamiliar place with people she doesn’t know. It’d be awful if she woke up and we were just gone.”

“Annette is making sure Hannah is very well taken care of. She’ll be getting one on one care from Aniyah until she wakes up, and then she’ll be offered a place here in the community. Annette is incredibly interested to see what we can expect from her in the future. I’ll admit, I’m a little hesitant to have her after what you’ve told me, but at the end of the day, she’s still just a young girl that’s been through a horribly traumatic experience. She deserves any help we can provide her with.”

“Hannah will be fine,” Madison says, putting her hand on Aaron’s shoulder. “She’s safe here and with good people. That’s better than most people can hope for. Besides, I think she’ll thrive here, especially if we’re not around right now. When she wakes up and someone tells her what happened, I think she’ll be grateful for a little alone time without us judging her. She can begin to piece herself back together without us interfering.”

Aaron sighs. “You’re right, Maddy. Some time apart from us might actually do her some good. She might still be asleep by the time we get back, so I shouldn’t worry about her so much, but I feel like she’s our responsibility. We brought her back to life without knowing how it would affect her, and we all decided to bring her with us on this dangerous trip.”

Ryder snorts. “We all didn’t decide on anything, and you know it. I hate to say I told you so, but if we had just left that time bomb behind like I wanted to, my brother would still be alive right now. And that’s a fact. So you all think about that while you’re worrying over how poor Hannah will feel when she wakes up. Because I can tell you something, Reese won’t ever wake up. There’s nothing left of him, all because of her, and everyone that insisted I bring her along.”

He turns his back on us and gets on the bus before anyone can say a word. He misses the look of regret that twists Aaron’s face and the pain in his eyes, but I see it. We all do. But it’s not Aaron’s fault what happened. He couldn’t have possibly foreseen that Hannah would have such a bad reaction to being around zombies, none of us could have. Even though it turns out Ryder was right about not wanting to bring her along, it’s not fair to blame anyone for the way things turned out.

Is it okay to blame Hannah?

The thought crosses my mind, but I can’t bring myself to answer it. The truth is I do blame her for Reese not being here with us. I don’t know any sane person that wouldn’t. But that doesn’t make the way I’m feeling right now okay and deep down inside I know that. I know she didn’t purposely freak out and flip the vehicle. I know she didn’t intend for anyone to get hurt. She’s not evil, she’s just messed up. But I’m sure there will always be a part of me that blames her for what happened yesterday. And a larger part of me will never blame Ryder for the way that he’s feeling right now.

I leave the others, hopping on board the bus. Ryder is in the far back, already trying to sequester himself from the rest of our group. My feet carry me to the back of the bus, and he makes room for me in the tiny seat. I hang half over his lap, squished in the tight confines of the backseat, but he pulls me even closer until there’s no distance between us. As the rest of our party boards the bus and Aaron passes out a warm breakfast courtesy of the community, Ryder and I lose ourselves in our own little world.

The journey passes by in a blur, and we stop for lunch several hours later. We’re somewhere on the outskirts of Detroit, in a mostly deserted area that has probably been neglected long before the end of the world. I haven’t been paying any attention to the area around us or the time that’s passed. My focus has been solely on Ryder as his condition begins to deteriorate. His fever from before is getting steadily worse and now the mere touch of his skin burns my hand.

When we get off the bus to eat a hasty lunch and stretch our legs before heading into the heart of Detroit, Ryder runs to the back tires as if there’s a horde of zombies hot on his tail. I hang back a bit to give him some privacy, but I hear him being violently sick and I can’t ignore it. When I get closer, I can tell it’s not going to be a pleasant sight, and I’m right. Ryder hacks up a mouthful of blood, spitting on the ground to try and clear his mouth. He wipes his hand across his lips and grimaces at the red smear across his tan skin.

He spits one more time before turning away from his mess. “I’ll be alright,” he lies.

I put my hand across his forehead and he tries to flinch away. Instead of backing out of my reach, he stumbles and collides with my hand, giving me a split second to feel how burning hot his skin is. “Ryder?” I ask quietly, my stomach clenching in fear. “Can you see?”

“A little,” he admits, his voice high and tense. “My vision is getting dark and kinda hazy. I can make out people easily enough, but other stuff is starting to blur together,” he says, closing his eyes. “The words on the bus are a mystery to me, and the buildings are all blending into the next. I should tell the others.”

“Why didn’t you say anything before now?” I ask, tears welling up in my eyes. I try to blink them away furiously. “You should have told me, Ryder.”

“I didn’t wanna scare you.”

“Well I am scared, and you keeping things like this a secret from everyone is only going to make me even more scared.” I wrap my arms around his waist and bury my face in his chest, ignoring the heat and the sweat that rolls off of him in waves. “We can’t help you if we don’t know what’s wrong with you. You have to keep us updated.”

“I don’t think it’ll matter soon,” he says quietly. “I don’t have much longer, and we’re almost there anyways. Another hour, maybe two or three tops. Hopefully we’ll get there before then. Shouldn’t be a problem with how close we are. I just hope we don’t run into any problems that slow us down, or I won’t make it to see you guys safely there.”

I try to clamp down on my feelings, but a small whimper escapes before I can. I’ve been so focused on the possibility of getting Ryder back that I haven’t taken the time to really mourn losing him in the first place. I’ve convinced myself that no matter what, I’ll get him back and it’ll be like nothing happened, even if he isn’t the same person he is now. I’ve told myself that I won’t really be losing him, but it’s a lie meant to comfort me so I didn’t have to face the reality.

Ryder is going to die in the next couple of hours. He’s going to be ripped away from me, and then he’s going to come back. He’ll probably end up a zombie for at least a little bit while we get the cure to work. He’s going to suffer a fate worse than death.

The tears stream down my face and I start to choke. Ryder pulls me closer as I cry, but for once it doesn’t comfort me; it makes me feel claustrophobic and smothered. Suddenly, I can’t breathe or function. All I can do is cry and gasp for air like my lungs have been punctured or flattened like pancakes. I can’t lose him. I can’t. Please…

Everyone keeps their distance while Ryder and I cry it out, and I’m forever grateful for it. We need the space and time to ourselves, even if we don’t have the time to spare right now. I’m dangerously close to breaking, and it’s wise for them to keep their distance. All I want to do is scream and throw things and pull at my hair, cursing Dr. Richards for the mess that he created. Ryder’s presence is the only thing that keeps me sane at the moment, and I know the feeling is mutual.

Right now, his body is rapidly failing him, and we’re about to head into one of the most dangerous situations we’ve ever been in. He won’t be at his best, and there’s a chance he won’t be much help. He may even end up an active hindrance, because I would never leave him behind if he couldn’t keep up. If he can’t see, he can’t shoot a gun with any kind of accuracy. If he has to stop to be sick, the noise and smell of blood will attract zombies, not to mention it’ll slow us down.

When everyone is sure I’m done having my mini breakdown, Aaron clears his throat. “I hate to rush the two of you, but we have to get going. We’re gonna eat a light lunch to keep us energized and then we’re moving out. From this point on, we’re sticking to the plan we made last night. Try to stay together and don’t fall behind, because we might not be able to come back for you.” He looks at all of us. “This is your absolute last chance to back out. If you want to stay behind and wait with the bus, that’s fine. Nobody will think less of you for it.”

He waits for a moment, his eyes flicking from one face to the next. When nobody steps forward or makes a move to get back on the bus, he smiles. “I know this is going to sound crazy, but I’m really glad we’re here right now, where we are. I believe this is God’s purpose for all of us, and I know He’ll see us through this.”

I see Madison roll her eyes. We’ve never been part of any largely religious family, but Aaron’s words don’t incite the same feelings of annoyance that they do with Madison. Instead, his words make me think. If it’s true that this is God’s purpose for all of us, does that mean we’re meant to succeed? And if we are meant for success by some higher power, does that necessarily mean that we’re going to succeed without casualties?

I manage to cast aside those thoughts while we scarf down a light meal of what we managed to save after having to abandon both vehicles—the last of the beef jerky, Gatorade provided by Allen and the community, along with some of the leftover soup from last night spooned into Styrofoam plastic cups. It’s cold, but it still tastes really good, and I hope it’ll be enough to keep us all going for the rest of the day.

When we’re done, I go around and collect our trash and dump it in the nearest garbage can. Just because the rest of the world is destroyed doesn’t mean I have to start littering now and make things even worse. When I come back, the others are getting on the bus. The door closes behind me, and I take a seat next to Ryder, who is surprisingly not in the far back anymore, but is huddled up front with the rest of our group.

“Aaron, I’m going down fast. I don’t know what will happen once we get there but I want you to know that I won’t blame you for having to put me down. If I become a threat to the group, do it. Don’t hesitate.” He glances up at me and sees the look of horror on my face, and he looks away in shame. “We already talked about that other thing. If the worst should happen…”

“Don’t worry about it, man. I’ve got it covered. We all do.” Aaron looks at me, his eyes full of concern and pain. I get the distinct impression whatever thing they’ve secretly talked about involves me and my well-being, but I refuse to think about Aaron and the others having to take care of me if the worst should happen.

The bus takes off and I hurry to slide into the seat beside Ryder. His face is pale and pinched in pain like it has been for the last few hours, and it’s getting worse and worse, seemingly by the minute. It won’t be long until he loses consciousness, and soon after that he’ll die. I’m not sure how long it’ll take him to come back since the time varies from person to person, just like the infection spreading, but I’m sure it won’t take long. If he dies before we make it to the lab, there’s a good chance Aaron will honor Ryder’s wish and put him down.

I won’t let that happen. He can try, but he’s not getting past me. I won’t let Ryder out of my sight just to make sure he’s okay.