You might wonder what love has to do with living a healthier lifestyle, losing weight, and getting in shape. The fact is, the only way to truly come into your own and find your Ultimate Center is by loving yourself first. That means accepting your own power, forgiving yourself for your faults and mistakes, and acknowledging that you deserve to live a healthy life full of joy. That’s what I did when I found my own healing through the power of exercise. Let me show you how to move toward more self-love and acceptance so you can radiate confidence, courage, and charisma, and fill your heart with joy.
I know it’s not easy. In fact, it can be excruciatingly tough. The emotional component of life is something that most of us don’t like to talk about. We’d rather just avoid talking about feelings in general when they involve vulnerability, intensity, sensitivity, pain, or anything uncomfortable. But because everything good you want to be and to have in life has to do with love, you have to figure out a way to talk about it. If you know you need a certain kind of love (romantic, professional, purpose, children, friendship) but you’re not getting it, it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking you’re undeserving or that something is wrong with you.
Typically, when one of my students is going through a rough time and not loving themselves, I can tell. I see it in their posture, I see it in the expression on their faces when a specific song comes on; I see it in the way they handle themselves in the stretch, when everyone else is energized and they are drooping with tension or sadness. Often I am secretly excited to watch a person change their entire being in a matter of minutes. I know I’m about to open a door for them that they can run through. I always believe I can do it for them—the question is, do they?
In general, the way you are feeling inside shows up on the way you look on the outside. If you have let your appearance slide—you’re really not into the clothes you wear, you don’t bother to look good, and you aren’t making any plans for yourself socially—chances are you’re in an emotional rut with yourself, as if you’ve given up on love . . . and it’s time to get out.
But how? How do you mentally pull it together enough to make the changes you need in a way that makes you happy to be living your life, regardless of your circumstances (especially if they’re stressful circumstances like job loss, a painful breakup or divorce, or the loss of a loved one), and to be able to look for the love you need or keep the love you have alive? How do you not let tough circumstances zap you of all your will and your desire to love?
I believe you can handle any life stress with an inspiring coach who believes in you (here I am!), the knowledge that you need to keep on moving, and a healthy way of eating. You already learned that in order to find your confidence level and your happiness, you have to have purpose. You have to have a reason to live. A reason to get up. A reason to believe in love.
Because love is there for you, whether you believe it or not.
FIRST, LOVE YOURSELF
What is love? It’s so many things to so many people. According to my trusty and well-thumbed dictionary, it’s an “intense feeling of deep affection, warmth, intimacy, attachment, endearment.” Love isn’t just about romantic love—it encompasses all members of your family, especially your children if you have them; your friends; your passions; your pets; your causes; your hobbies; your home; and all the things that engage your senses, like music, art, books, the handwoven little rug you haggled over in a Turkish bazaar, your childhood teddy bear, the blooming peonies in your garden, the way fresh bread smells when it comes out of the oven.
Finding love can make you feel more alive, more exhilarated, more enchanted than practically anything else on earth. It makes you feel as if you’ve discovered your true authentic self. Losing it, on the other hand, is like losing everything you’ve ever known and cared about.
In order to attract and keep the love you want in your life, you need to start with one basic thing: You must love yourself.
The cliché of this is the one you already know . . . and that is you have to believe you are lovable in order for love to find you. I’m not saying be narcissistic; I’m saying you need to feel your inner mojo if you expect that someone else should, too!
Your family, your work, your friends, your partner—you only attract love in your life if you love yourself. Your vibe is what attracts your tribe to you. The vibration of not loving yourself is so negative, people won’t want to be next to you—it’s that powerfully subliminal—without you even having to say a word. You won’t be putting out the kinetic energy that is like a leaf blower, sending it out into the universe. In fact, when you don’t love yourself, your aura shifts. You lack vibration as opposed to having a strong one that people can feel when you walk into a room. Instead of exuding happy and enticing pheromones (which are chemicals all animals exude to try to change the behavior of others in their species), you’re wafting out what I call fear-o-mones.
Believe me, I know how hard it is to give off the love-myself/love-me vibe. When you’re having a bad day or a bad time in life, it’s almost impossible. And when you’re not getting the love in your life that you need, you can get depressed or anxious or sad and then stuck in your negative feelings, so you give off a gray vibe. You feel stuck in place.
That’s why exercise is so important when you want self-love. You get up and get moving. The endorphins flood you and your mood instantly improves. Your face gets a healthy flush, and you begin to sweat and detoxify immediately. You look like you just got out of bed after a few hours under the sheets with your lover. You’re glowing. In fact, it’s such a palpable glow that I call it the Chi Glow—chi being the life force or the energy inside your body. In my Chi Glow workout, you hold on to glow sticks and do all the exercises in the dark. Talk about love!
When you love yourself, you have confidence in your very being. I mean, I know I have a certain look. I like sneakers. I don’t wear heels. This is me. If you don’t like it, then that’s too bad; it doesn’t faze me. The last time I went through security at the airport, the TSA agent looked at me with a frown and called me sir. When I corrected her, she felt so bad. Her supervisor then looked at me and said, “Do you go by sir or ma’am?” I replied, “I’ve never been asked that question, but I go through my life as a woman.” And then flashed them a saucy smile, which I could do because I am at ease with myself.
As an aside, do you know how many times a day I get called sir? All day long. Sometimes I think it’s a sign that maybe I was meant to be a guy. When I walk around in my life I don’t identify as a girl or a boy—I just am. I don’t try to look like a girl or a boy. I don’t have a gender identity; I just look like myself. But it took me most of my life to become comfortable with saying that. After all the years of abusing my body with addictions, I worship it now. I take the best care of it. I love what it is and how it makes me feel.
I only learned how to love myself when I learned how to forgive myself for all the things I messed up and mistakes I made and people I hurt. For instance, I had to stop blaming my dad for leaving when I was little, making me feel abandoned and worthless. In my little girl’s mind, I thought he didn’t love me, so that meant I wasn’t loveable—feelings so deep and buried I didn’t even know they were still there. I thought I was doing everything wrong in his eyes, but it was actually just opposite parenting values. My mom was very chill with rules, and my dad was very strict. When I would go to his house for the weekends, I had to switch gears, which made it really hard for me. Rules were not my strong suit. Looking back, I can see how this could have been totally manageable, but that was then and this is now . . . ! But I didn’t recognize the depth of this pain until my late twenties, when I started using drugs to mask my pain. Now I’ve moved way past that. Part of healing is also forgiveness for anyone who’s hurt us, and I’ve forgiven my dad. I love him more than ever. I understand him. And all we can do is move forward toward an even deeper closeness, which feels so unbelievably good.
Another empowering way to self-love is to embrace your body and spirit when they let you down, as they do if you get sick or have a potentially fatal illness. Maria Pargac is one of my longtime students, and she was given a diagnosis of late-stage breast cancer that had spread to some of her lymph nodes. Her oncologist told her it wasn’t looking good, that it was likely terminal. During surgery, most of her pectoral muscle was removed, and she was told that due to the trauma, she’d never have muscles there again. She’d be deformed, and weakened, and there was nothing her medical team could do about it.
Maria was determined to get better, and she asked me for help. Before class, I would tell her to visualize her pec muscles coming back, to see herself as whole and strong again. I told her to use her brain to see her body literally pulling the tissue back out and giving her the definition she’d lost during surgery. It worked. Why? Because she took thought and visualizations and backed them up with action, motion, faith, belief, and, most of all, love. She manifested her thoughts into reality, physically changing her body with positive affirmations, physical action, and belief in herself. Maria loved herself and she even loved her cancer for forcing her to confront her mortality and focus on the now. All I had to do to help her was acknowledge her hard work, and support her courage and bravery. I am in awe of her courage and drive, and she knows it, which further fueled her determination. Maria is now totally ripped and looks amazing. Her doctors still can’t believe it—but they can’t argue with the evidence.
What I knew and what Maria learned is that all exercise is a form of repair. It’s all about healthy, deliberate damage to your muscles—creating microtears that, as they heal, make your muscles stronger. Every time you move with intent, you “damage” your body and repair it. That’s how you build yourself.
You also want to do something similar to your skin. Did you know that the topmost layer is nothing but dead skin cells linked together in the barrier that protects you from harm? Well, it is! That’s why you need to exfoliate regularly—you need to slough off the dead skin cells with acids (good acids, like those found in fruit or milk) so the fresh, healthy new ones underneath can come to the surface. It’s like a controlled burn that sounds scary but does you good.
It’s the same thing with your emotions. Slough off the old ones to let the healthy new ones show up, like more love for who you are!
Visualization for Self-Love
This is an empowering visualization to help you love yourself and give you confidence. Remember, read through this entire visualization at least once before you start. Then try to remember the steps without looking back at the book.
1. Sit in a quiet place and focus on your breathing for a minute. Close your eyes, then picture the words I LOVE YOU in your head. Spell out the letters, all eight of them.
2. Make sure you’re thinking positively. Make sure you are totally into your breathing, and feeling yourself on a super-sensitive level. This is not about anybody else but you. This is your time.
3. Feel your own power, the power you were born with, the power that brought you into this world. Suck your power in and lock it down and hold it so tight. It’s you. Hold on to you, hug yourself from the inside out. Sometimes there’s no one around to give you a hug when you need it, so you hug yourself. Tighten your abs, and squeeze the tops of your opposite shoulders by crossing your arms. This is a self-hug!
4. Open your mind, open your heart, and feel yourself. Really feel yourself. You know that if you can’t feel yourself, no one else will ever be able to feel who you are. Feel yourself and love yourself so others can love you, too. This is about a true vibration in your heart.
5. These last few breaths you take are so connected. With your eyes closed, take an above-view look and observe yourself from where you’re sitting with your eyes closed. Be proud of your commitment to become connected to who you truly are inside.
6. Open your eyes and come back to the world. Get up and look in the mirror and smile. Because you are loveable. And you love yourself. It’s kind of weird to say this if you’re not used to doing it, I know, but honestly, you won’t have to do it that much once you get to the point where you actually do love yourself again. It’s that in-between stage when you doubt yourself where you really have to focus on doing it.
As I write this I’m trying to remember the last time I said that. Yep, it’s been a while—so I’ll be right back! I know that you actually have to do this exercise if you want it to work; just reading about it is not going to help you.
If you’re finding yourself struggling with any of the exercises in this book, ask yourself why. Is it ego? Do you not believe in yourself? Do you not believe that positive meditations work? This could really be the key to unlocking your emotional blocks. They’re all about you. Just do them. You have nothing to lose and so much love to gain.
PLAYLIST
FOR LOVE
Some of my favorite love songs are on this list. Make your own list, too, to reinforce how you feel about your loved ones—and about yourself!
Aurora |
“Dreaming” |
Crayon |
“Give You Up” |
Disclosure |
“Help Me Lose My Mind” |
Calvin Harris |
“How Deep Is Your Love” |
Imogen Heap |
“Not Now But Soon” |
Massive Attack |
“Protection” |
Christina Perri |
“Thousand Years” |
The Weekend |
“Earned It” |
Flo Rida ft. Robin Thicke and Verdine Whit |
“I Don’t Like It, I Love It” |
RY X |
“Only (Kaskade X Lipless Remix) |
GOOD, LOVING RELATIONSHIPS ARE LIKE A GOOD JOB—YOU HAVE TO SHOW UP AND DO THE WORK
Relationships are not easy. I burned through so many relationships when I was younger because I’d been taught by the adults in my life that easy was the way to behave. Easy might have been the default to allow them to get by when they were struggling, which in retrospect I understand, but it messed up my head and caused me to always look for the way out because the way to stay in was just too hard.
Real love means you have to show up. What I finally learned was that real love takes work.
Because my love is so real, I struggle at times with the work with my girlfriend. I can’t say I have always been good at it. We’ve been a couple for eleven years. Sure, it can be frustrating, but it’s so rewarding on every level that I can’t imagine not doing the work. My girlfriend has a very high bar for life—and it’s not where I was used to living. But I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for her raising the bar on us as a couple. I’d fall back into my old bad habits and patterns. I would not be as busy as I am. She knows that it was in the space between being busy that I’d be tempted to fall backward. It’s so easy to get sidetracked. So I keep on doing the work. I have made countless mistakes in our relationship, but we keep going in to make things better all the time. That’s where the work pays off.
Staying in love and maintaining a high bar for that love is the most important job you’ll ever have. Think of it that way, and you can’t possibly say, “Oh, it’s a piece of cake.” How can such an important job be a breeze? Why should it be easy? If you’re a parent, you know how hard it is to manage another personality in your life and see the changes in what your children need as they grow—what they need from you and what you need from them.
Raising your kids in this stressful world and launching them into a good place where they are thriving individuals is as tough as it gets. Good parents are my heroes. I see my friends do it. I see my sister do it. I’ve watched my partner raise three beautiful girls over the last decade. It is the most selfless job anyone could ever take on. She makes it look effortless.
You also have to realize that relationships are always going to evolve over time. The job you loved might become less challenging over the years. The community you loved might have changed as people grew older and moved away or changed their priorities. The little toddler you loved grew up into an independent and feisty teenager with ideas and passions far different from your own. And your partner, whom you vowed to love till death do you part on your wedding day, might not be the same person you fell in love with. He or she might be more loveable—or much, much less.
What made you fall in love and what you thought back then as the most important component in your relationship can shift so completely that you don’t even recognize the feelings anymore. Are they still love? And are you willing to do the work to keep the relationship thriving? Is your partner? If your relationship is unhappy, are you going to stick it out for the sake of the kids, or is that just an excuse because you’d rather be miserable as a couple than miserable on your own? Are you dreaming about getting out because the grass is always greener and you think if you’re not in your current relationship, another one is going to be better?
Only you know the answers to those questions. But there is one common denominator in all thriving, loving relationships, and that’s communication.
Good Communication Is a Skill You Can Learn
Good communication is a real issue for me. You know why? Because I have a one-sided conversation for three or four hours a day when I teach. I don’t have to listen. I just speak. No one talks back to me, no one challenges me. I’m the boss. And I know my students are really paying attention to me.
You might think because I’m up there teaching and I know what I’m talking about in class that I would automatically be a good listener at home. When I get back to our apartment, I haven’t turned off from work mode yet. I’m still used to talking to a rapt audience. When I fall into this trap, what I get in response is a much-deserved “Will you let me finish?” I’m always abashed and apologetic, because I don’t even realize I’m going on and on. Factor in my ADHD, and it’s a double whammy of having to work extra hard at settling down to have a proper talk. Conversations are always going to be give and take, yin and yang, salt and pepper. It’s peanut butter and jelly. Otherwise, one person is giving a monologue and the other person is sitting trapped in the audience.
How do you become better at communicating? At a dinner party once, I asked a very successful journalist—someone who’s talked to thousands of people over the course of his career—what makes a good interviewer. “Someone who comes prepared, who asks probing questions, who is genuinely interested in the subject and the person sitting there talking,” he told me, “and, most of all, someone who knows how to listen.”
“Tell me about it,” I said, trying not to roll my eyes. “That’s my problem. Not listening hard enough. Sometimes I wish I would get reincarnated as a lap dog. They get unconditional love from their owners, and they don’t have to say a word!”
“Well,” he said, “I know that if I want to get to the heart of the story, I have to really, really listen to what whoever’s speaking is saying. I had to teach myself how to do that because when you’re reporting, you always have to have the next question in your head, so you have to focus. Sometimes I have to use the interruption technique—which throws people off-base. You’re trying to get them to say something they wouldn’t have thought of saying, and being interrupted makes them a bit angry or frustrated and then they say something off the prepared script, as it were. It’s not like I’m trying to be rude on purpose; it’s just to get something interesting out of them.” He looked at my face and laughed. “This is a reporter’s technique, Stacey,” he went on. “Interrupting someone in your personal life is just rudeness, and it won’t have the same results. Just ask my wife.”
And then he stopped laughing. “You know what I’ve learned over the course of my career? If I sit down with someone who’s not famous and used to being interviewed and stroked all the time, if I sit down with a perfectly nice, average person, and I look them in the eye and say, ‘Tell me what happened. Tell me about you. Tell me what’s important,’ they always will. You know why? Because they’re used to no one ever listening to them. To no one thinking their stories are exceptional and worth telling to a stranger who just happens to be a reporter. I see them change, in the span of only a few minutes. They sit up. They remember things they thought they’d forgotten forever. They are interesting. Because I’ve validated them solely by my active listening.”
“I never thought about it that way,” I said.
“It’s true,” he said. “It’s absolutely riveting. And it’s a really gratifying part of my job and kind of breaks my heart at the same time. To realize that these people have so much to say and nobody asks them and they don’t feel confident enough in themselves to say, ‘My opinions are important; I believe in this, somebody please listen to me.’ Their kids don’t listen, their husband doesn’t listen, their boss doesn’t listen. They forget how to communicate.”
And then you know what happens? When communication goes, love goes. People who aren’t listened to and who don’t know how to express their needs don’t know how to ask for love. They certainly stop loving themselves, and their most needed relationships can break down completely.
Being a better listener will improve all your relationships. I know it’s not easy to focus and really pay attention to someone, especially when your mind is going off on tangents or you’re tired or hungry or just want to chill. It’s also hard when one person is a better communicator than the other, so you can’t both stop talking or trying at the same time. If this becomes a problem, one person always has to work even harder at bringing the other person into the conversation. If you both give up, it can be lethal for your relationship.
That’s what happened with my partner and me two years ago. We both gave up at the same time even though we promised each other we’d never do that. We got mad at each other and had a horrible fight and we both just went, forget it. Forget it. Usually, if we said, “Forget it,” I’d say, “No, I’m not going to forget it. We’re not going to break up.” And we’d clear the air and be fine. But after that horrible fight, it was good-bye. I stormed out. I was devastated. But then after a few months and lots of therapy, we came back together and now our relationship is better than ever.
You know you can’t give up if deep in your heart of hearts, you truly love a person. After our brief breakup, I had to work even harder. I had to listen harder. It was worth it, because I’m very lucky to love such an incredible woman with such ferocity, and to have her love me back.
To keep ourselves in touch, she and I text every day. Not two hours go by that we don’t touch base. Some might call that codependent, and some might call it love; it doesn’t matter to me because communication keeps our relationship healthy. It works for us, and I’m sure you can find something that works for you. I never stop thinking about sweet and silly little things that might make her happy, and vice versa. If we both had super-busy workdays and not much time for talking or texting, on the way home I might stop and get a card, or buy her an item for the house that she mentioned she wanted. (One of these items was an electric sesame seed distributor—definitely not something that would ever be on my radar!) It’s not that she needed an electric sesame seed distributor, or any other object—it’s that I listened to her, remembered what she said, and acted on it.
Or, if I need space, I’ll say, “I’m going to turn off my phone for a few hours while I do some writing or have to take a twenty-minute nap.” Then I text when I’m back. You don’t have to hide or lie that you’re going to be somewhere that you’re not if you need space. Everyone needs space, breathing room, time on their own. I have a hard time asking for it. I get super bitey and then I know I just need to get out and go do something for myself. The second you just take ownership of your time, you’ll feel better.
Just tell your partner what you’re doing! And listen to your partner when they say they need space, too.
The more skilled you are at listening, the better you will become at seeing people for who they really are. You will be more judicious in who you give your heart to. And you will attract all kinds of love into your life.
Never Go to Sleep Angry
One rule we have in our house is that no one can ever go to bed angry.
If you do, you can kiss a good night’s sleep good-bye. You’ll have crazy weird dreams, because your brain can’t chill and settle down. You’ll start the next day off on the wrong foot.
You need to get whatever is plaguing you out of your brain and body, somehow, before you go to sleep. Let your partner know you want to try to fix things and have some good pillow talk. And great sex allows you to regroup (as long as it’s connected sex, that is—disconnected sex or withholding sex is guaranteed to exacerbate any anger, right?). It makes you feel pretty damn good, too!
Holding on to anger or grudges not only prevents any kind of open and helpful communication, it destroys relationships before you can say “WTF.” Grudges are toxic. They make you angry and then you radiate this rage that pushes people away. I am the worst at this, actually. I have classically hung on to stuff without talking about it, and it piles up on my heart and then I explode. I have learned to really talk about the way I feel before it annoys me.
You need to communicate with the person you’re mad at, but sometimes, for whatever reason, you haven’t been able to get your message across. Sometimes it’s because the person is no longer available (through distance, or even death), or sometimes it’s because, if you’re honest, you want to remain the victim instead of dealing with the situation.
SG TRUTH I am really bad at talking about what bothers me. I actually have to make sure I am communicating on a daily basis, and that takes a lot of work.
My suggestion is to have the grudge-busting conversation with this person anyway. Either in your head, or by talking out loud to an empty room, or by writing a letter or e-mail and not saving it in your drafts before you send it. Send it only to yourself. Fine-tune it as much as you like. The mere act of saying or writing down what you need to say is a huge help at getting the grudge out of your system, even if you have been very wronged.
Then, if you’ve written anything down on paper, take a match to it and burn it up. You’re burning away the anger, and you are moving on to a more loving place. Then you can present yourself nicely to the parties involved. (Obviously, burning a letter can be very dangerous, so don’t do it in the house unless it is a very small piece of paper being burned at the bottom of a very deep sink. If you have a fireplace, you’re in luck—otherwise, take it outside to a safe place.)
Good Communication Fosters Intimacy
I never liked talking about the past. It was too painful. My therapist helped me work out that as long as I held back, I could never cross that wondrous line that takes a relationship from just okay to the best it can be. That’s what I call the Intimacy Line.
Intimacy is key to love in a relationship. Intimacy is trust. Intimacy fosters communication because this trust makes you unafraid to share your deepest needs and issues without fear of being judged. Knowing that your partner or your friends have your back no matter what is the best feeling in the world.
What I wonder and worry about is how social media is changing the way people’s brains work, especially as it creates fake intimacy. You can develop relationships with people that you think are deep and meaningful but that are wholly virtual. I’m not saying these relationships can’t be amazing, but they’re still digital. And that makes them nonintimate. (It can also make them devastatingly disappointing, if you spend days or weeks or even months involved in a virtual relationship.) The only way you can have true intimacy is with a real person in a real place, looking at each other in real time and having real reactions. In other words, you need to be an analog lover.
I had a friend who went on an app called Second Life, a popular online community that allows you to create the “life” you want. You can create your house, your apartment, your avatar, your family, even your pets. You talk to other Second Lifers as your avatar. My friend got so hooked on it that he started spending up to twelve hours a day on it. His work suffered. And his marriage suffered more. It ended. It wasn’t just the time he spent on the game—it was how his avatar was a wholly different person, not one his wife would have ever recognized, but it served as a distraction for him and the pain he was going through in his real life. The game was an escape from his inability to communicate his true feelings. For years this distraction went on and just prolonged his being able to find genuine joy.
Some couples—not anyone I know well, but a lot I know of—are merely two people who are together but not in a deep way, and they don’t really like talking at the end of the day. They might not have the kind of intimacy I have with my partner, but it could still be a great surface-level relationship. A lot of people prefer to function on the surface because they’re unable or unwilling to go deeper. They might shun therapy. They might be happy with things the way they are. If so, and if they’re truly happy, then fine. Whatever floats your boat.
The key issue is whether or not these couples are truly happy. I don’t see how some people can be without intimacy, but that’s me. I’m not sayin’ it has to be rockin’ every night of your life with your partner, but you should feel intimate toward them often! I wasn’t truly happy in many of my prior relationships because I wasn’t able to be truly intimate. Often, I walked away; other times, my then girlfriend did. All of us have made errors in judgment about people.
Exercise and Your Sex Life
There are three wonderful ways exercise improves your sex life.
Let’s call on the American Council on Exercise for the first one, as they state that being physically active can be “a natural Viagra boost.”
This is thanks to endorphins. These are the compounds produced by the hypothalamus and the pituitary gland in your brain; they’re released during exercise, excitement, pain—and orgasm. Endorphins give you what’s called a “runner’s high,” even though you don’t have to be running to feel that rush. You just have to be moving. In bed or out!
The second way is that exercise strengthens and conditions your body for the intensely physical act of lovemaking. A strong cardiovascular system will give you the stamina so you can go and go and go. Firm muscles and flexibility will allow you to experiment and enjoy trying different positions. Exercise also dilates your arteries and improves blood flow. Men need this to sustain their erections; women need this to help arouse their genitals.
Being fit through exercise is especially important for men worried about their sexual performance. Numerous studies at the Harvard School of Public Health and elsewhere have also shown how exercise especially helps men improve their production of dihydrotestosterone, or DHT, a potent form of testosterone. According to Dr. Harry Fisch, a New York City–based urologist and author of The New Naked: The Ultimate Sex Education for Grown-Ups, “A man’s body must have adequate testosterone levels to build muscle mass, so someone who is fit and muscled is likely to have normal or high levels of testosterone.”
The higher the testosterone, as you likely know, the higher the sex drive and the less likelihood of erectile dysfunction or impotence. The heavier a man’s weight, though, especially if he tends to gain it in his midsection, the lower his testosterone levels. He won’t just have performance problems—his libido will falter as well.
The third way exercise improves your sex life has to do with body image. Obviously, you don’t need a “great” or unrealistically “perfect” porn body for sex. But one of the biggest reasons women don’t like to have sex is because they don’t feel good about their bodies. They think they’re fat when they’re not. They’re worried about their jiggly bits. They don’t want to be shamed and found wanting when they’re naked and vulnerable.
Exercise can undo all that self-shaming that I wish would disappear for good. It gives you confidence. It makes you feel good in every possible way. It makes you appreciate how your body works and what it’s capable of doing. I see body confidence growing in my students the more they work out. This isn’t about weight loss, but about that confidence. They literally stand taller. They carry themselves completely differently, and it’s not just because their core is stronger and their glutes firmer. It’s because they finally feel happy about their physicality—and for you, this will translate to feeling happy about yourself whether the lights are on or off.
Think about this in the context of all the ads you see that are hyping exercise-related activities and merchandise. How do the models look? Well, of course they look buff—but they also have the glow. They positively radiate healthy, sexual energy. It’s not just because they’re selling something—it’s because working out makes you look and feel sexy! Forget sex appeal—I call it flex appeal.
And you don’t have to be young like most of the fitness models to have flex appeal. It’s a state of mind and muscles. (Jack LaLanne sure had it up until the end!) Kelly Ripa once jokingly quoted me on her show when she said, “For women over forty, the universe is trying to suck the back of your arms into the center of the earth.” Yes, gravity is a bitch, but flex appeal can counteract its effects—if you let it. Kelly isn’t exactly a twenty-year-old; she was born in 1970 but looks better now than she ever has. She is fully at ease in her body and with who she is.
Some of my friends and students aren’t as body-confident as I am (or as Kelly is!), and sometimes they ask what they should do when they’re feeling vulnerable about their body and have a new lover. I suggest that they get some fabulous lingerie and leave the top on. To light a lot of candles and make their bedroom atmospherically sexy. But you know what? You are almost always going to be judging yourself more harshly than your lover is. The only kind of lover you want to have is one who loves your body for what it is.
Radiating sexual confidence is what makes you attractive. You will always have the best sex when you can let your inhibitions go and get out of your own way. That is extremely difficult to do if you are worried about someone seeing your cellulite or scars or a little pooch in your belly and judging you. (As for scars, to me they’re like badges of honor, markers in your story, and a reminder of experiences only you have had. They’re like dropping a pin on a place in time—that’s all a scar is.) You have to get out of that cycle of thinking your sexual partner is somehow rating you on their own mental scale of perceived worthiness. And if you’re with someone who’s judging you on any aspect of your body, it’s the wrong person. The quickest way to ruin a relationship is to be critical of sexual performance or any physical characteristics.
Although some of my students often pull me aside to whisper and confide in me about why they’ve got that special glow—the one that comes not just from regular exercise, but from a thriving and pleasurable sex life, it takes time for others to reach that point. One of the most gratifying things for me to see—and this has happened countless times in my thirty years of teaching, not just with my students but with my friends and acquaintances—is when someone who has retreated into themselves and basically given up on sex and dating then finds the will to get moving. They start working out regularly and effectively. They lose weight, get stronger, feel better in every possible way, and rediscovers the marvel of their body. They start dating again and they start having sex again, and they are much happier.
My friend Noa is someone who didn’t date for more than a decade; he thought no one would find him attractive because he didn’t find himself attractive due to his weight. We became good friends when we both were living in Los Angeles. He actually asked me, leaning out the window of his car one night at midnight, to help him change his life. I looked at him and said, “Let’s do it.”
We trained together for about a year, and then I moved to New York. Several years later, he went out to buy some underwear at H&M, and he happened to walk past the opening day of the West Hollywood branch of SoulCycle. He decided to give it a try and signed up for a few classes. Although he had once been fit, he then weighed more than three hundred pounds. He was deeply ashamed of his body, and his doctor had basically told him that he could drop dead of a heart attack at any moment. (For him to even think about leaving the house to go underwear shopping was a big deal.) When he saw the new SoulCycle, he thought he might as well die trying, and once he got on that bike, what kept him going during that first class was, he told me later, remembering how I used to tell him, during our training sessions, “If you are here, you are an athlete! The hard work is getting yourself here, today.”
Since that day, not only did Noa lose more than one hundred pounds, but he was freed, as he put it, “from the bondage of being my former self.” Even more amazing, he was encouraged to train to become a SoulCycle instructor—and he now teaches at several of the NYC studios. He might call himself an “old dog that did actually learn some new tricks,” but we both agree that his transformation came about because he found his purpose.
And he also realized that women found him extremely attractive. He told me that what he’d thought was a cliché—that it’s written all over your body when you have physical and emotional confidence—was actually true, and he was living proof.
So . . . what are you waiting for?
While I always want people to make the decision to get exercising because it’s so good for them, sometimes it takes an outside event to spur their motivation. I’ve lost track of how many students have told me over the years that their “breakup workout” ended up not only improving their health but healing their broken hearts. This is what happened to Alicia. When her husband, Ben, left her for another woman, she was devastated. Not only because she’d been in love with him, but because his new girlfriend was in phenomenal physical shape, and Ben made sure Alicia knew it. (Don’t get me started on this guy; at least she’s well rid of him!)
“He used to love my body,” Alicia told me. “Sure, I could have worked out a bit more, but I was strong and healthy and not overweight at all. He loved to caress what he called my sweet, soft arms. And then he started complaining about my ‘out-of-shape arms,’ and before long he was ragging on me about my entire body.”
Ben was about as shallow as it gets, not just for dumping Alicia in the way he did, but for criticizing her body and no longer appreciating who she was on the inside, where it really counts. So what does this have to do with a better sex life?
Well, let’s just say that Alicia took that hurt right to the gym, where she worked out with more intensity than she had before. She didn’t care about Ben anymore—she now cared about herself. Over time, I noticed that Alicia was looking better and better. But I’m not just talking about more muscle tone. Her attitude had shifted.
One day, after class, we started chatting, and she told me she felt like a new woman. When I asked her what she meant, she said, “Well, after I got divorced, I never thought I’d feel good about anything again. When I started dating again, I have to admit I was a bit shocked to find how sexy I felt. I have more sexual confidence now that I’ve never had before.”
Being in shape is not about sex. Being in shape is all about feeling sexy . . . about feeling so great about yourself that the thought of being seen naked and getting intimate and having sex doesn’t inspire panic or fear. And that’s the best kind of confidence a person can have.
Moving Meditation for Intimacy
This is a small and subtle thing to do, but it works as a connection to your intimate self. You can do it anytime and any place you feel the need for an intimate connection. It pulls together all your senses and opens you up to loving the touch of your skin and your innate sensuality. When you are done, you will be ready to embrace any kind of intimate encounter.
1. Take your thumb and touch your index fingertip, gently, barely feeling your skin, and make tiny soft circles in a clockwise direction. Don’t focus on counting or doing this for a specific amount of time. Keep making the circles until you feel ready to move on.
2. Repeat with your middle finger, then your ring finger, and then your pinkie.
3. Open your hand wide and then close it into a loose fist. Hold that moment in your hand.
4. Repeat with your other hand.
Now your senses are alert . . . . Stay in touch with this sensation. It is the total secret to staying physically “in touch” with your sensuality.
PUSHING PAST SHAME
When it comes to training your heart and opening it up to love, shame is a big one. Getting found out. Being exposed. Feeling like a failure. I mean, we all have things we are ashamed of, that we’d rather crawl into a cave than admit to, so we remain stuck in the layers and moments that once shamed us—even, of course, if we were totally blameless when the shaming happened. If, for example, you grow up in a house where you’re constantly criticized and not allowed to express your feelings, if you’re told no, no, no, why, why, why all the time, you internalize that terrible feeling that you’re not good enough and never will be. The worst feelings of inadequacy are that you’re not deserving of love and happiness and purpose. You’re ashamed to think you deserve the best. When this happens, you can unwittingly be holding yourself back for fear of failing and repeating the shame, especially when you’re trying to get motivated.
One of the reasons people are afraid to ask for help is due to shame. Especially if you said you were going to do something important (look for a new job, lose weight, exercise more) and for whatever reasons that something doesn’t happen. You’re ashamed that you weren’t able to succeed. I totally get it, because shame keeps addicts addicted. If you think you’re not worthy because you’re doing something that is bad/illegal/toxic, then it’s easier to stay stuck in the shame and guilt than to go to rehab and kick the habit. It took me many, many years to own up to my shame. And believe me, I am not perfect. There’s still a lot of work I have to do on myself, so you are not alone, my friend!
I was only able to become as successful when I started to deal with my layers of shame and to acknowledge that this would be an ongoing thing for me. It’s one of those issues I will always have to deal with, even if much of the shame is usually tucked away. For example, I can speak as a former drug addict, but it’s harder for me to identify as an alcoholic due to shame. I come from a long line of alcoholics, and even if most of my friends growing up did, too, it was still something we rarely talked about, and if we did, we did it laughing.
Doesn’t that self-identification stuff sound a bit nutty? But it’s because I would do drugs before I would do alcohol. Usually it’s the other way around. My buzz of choice came from drugs, not drinks. Drugs were always my go-to for self-medication. I don’t like the feeling of being drunk, so it’s hard for me to identify as an alcoholic, but apparently as part of sobriety you’re supposed to say that you’re an alcoholic if you’re a drug addict. I think maybe I have to tell myself I am an alcoholic. If I don’t, then I run the risk of thinking about having a drink.
Instead, I’ve convinced myself that I’m allergic to alcohol. I mean, I’m not physically allergic to alcohol, but I am emotionally. Like many drinkers, when I drink I become a different person. It usually took about three and a half drinks for me to morph from being funny, happy, loving, and great company into a total asshole. So that means I’m allergic to drinking. I tell myself that so my brain’s response to someone drinking isn’t to say, “Oh, I wish I could have a drink,” but “If I have a drink, I’m going to feel awful because I’m allergic. Don’t be a fool. It’s toxic. If you have a drink, you’re going to have a bad reaction and you’re going to be sorry. You’re going to feel like complete crap with your stupid hangover. Also, you will lose everything you have ever worked for in your life if you drink. None of that is worth it, so have a Pellegrino and go enjoy yourself.”
The greatest thing about saying no to drugs and alcohol is the empowerment and self-control it gives you. What you have to steer clear of, however, are the triggers that can bring you right back into that behavior. Believe it or not, sometimes it’s not even the alcohol or the drug that triggers you—it can be a person who makes you feel the same way. Be super sensitive to your surroundings, and don’t let anyone take you down the rabbit hole toward disrespectful behavior, because it can happen.
Still, shame will rear its unwanted little face when I least expect it, such as in a topic of seemingly benign conversation at a dinner party. Maybe I’ll be at a dinner with a few people who don’t know me well, and they’ll be asking what I want to drink, and I’ll say, “I’ll have a Pellegrino, please.” A savvy host or hostess would then get that drink for me without comment, but some hosts or hostesses are not so savvy. They’ll push it because everyone is drinking (and maybe they’re actually alcoholics who can’t own up to and hate to be around nondrinkers), and then it gets into why can’t I have a drink. That is the moment where the shame hits. When a stranger says, “Oh, come on, Stacey, just have one.” Whenever I hear that, it’s like a vise has gotten a stranglehold on my heart for a brief second. It’s not exactly painful, but it’s awfully uncomfortable. It’s pure shame. And it’s still there, even after all my years of sobriety. It gets easier with every passing year, though, so that’s good!
SG, circa 1996
The shame of having been an addict for so long used to make me really fearful in some social situations, because I’ve had so many years of sobriety, and Sober Stacey is who I identify with now. The smart and reliable Stacey who is a fitness instructor who’s never taught a class in New York City with a wicked hangover. My identity used to be Crazy Stacey, Hurricane Stacey, Stacey the life of the party, Stacey the addict who had tons of friends and knew everyone. Stacey who could party and still show up to classes the next day. Stacey who was the woman to call whenever you wanted to have fun. . . .
So my shame is not fear-based anymore—the fear stemming from people finding out I was an addict and judging me accordingly—but it’s still that piece of me and my life that I wish I didn’t have to have anymore. I mean, it’s part of who I am, but I prefer to identify with people now who feel and behave like I do—with sober intent, with passion, and with a hard look inside themselves.
It’s hard not to have a crutch like drinking or drugging, especially in the fitness industry where, surprisingly enough, not that many instructors are fully clean and sober. When you grew up drinking and drugging, it’s hard not to drink or smoke pot or have that line of cocaine at a party. Society might pretend otherwise, but there’s tons of drugs everywhere, and for most people, it’s really hard to say no to a glass of wine or other alcohol.
One of my most deeply shameful moments was during the wrap party for a big event. The hostess was incredibly generous and loved nothing more than giving back, and at this party everyone was so happy and celebrating. She was pouring shots of tequila, and I’m standing there, and she turned to me to give me a shot.
What flashed into my head at that moment was, Damn it all, Stacey, you want to be a part; you want to be in the club. If I had chosen a night when it would have been a perfect time to fall off the wagon, it would have been that night.
And then something else flashed into my head—the right answer. So, instead, I said no.
She didn’t know I had been an addict and was “allergic” to alcohol, and it was certainly not the time or place to tell her, so she, in her generous way, kept trying to hand me the shot. To avoid hurting her feelings, I took it and quickly gave it to someone else. As the party went on, people were actually shocked when they realized I wasn’t drinking. I was having a blast anyway, dancing all over the room all night. (I even ended up dancing on top of the speakers!) It was a fabulous party with fabulous people, and I knew I didn’t need alcohol to make it better. I truly did not need a shot to celebrate our accomplishments. I can celebrate standing right next to you while you do your thing.
The point is, in our society, alcohol is used for celebrations the way sugar is. After all, what’s a birthday party without a cake? But even though I had a brilliant time at the party, the shame was still nagging at me. I couldn’t tell the hostess the truth that night and buzzkill the moment. Because shame is your deepest secrets about stuff you did that you think makes you a bad person—a person unworthy of love.
Truth Telling Is the Shame Killer
How do you push past the shame, allowing you to feel worthy of the love you deserve?
I learned from my therapist that shame is just you being found out, and when you walk through your life with the shame you become an imposter. To yourself and to everyone else.
I know all my addiction issues. I understand exactly what each drug made me feel and why I did everything I did. I’ve come to terms with it. I self-medicated with crystal meth because I had ADHD chronic-fatigue and the meth made me feel awake. I was suffering from depression because my brother had died. I was so sad I started doing a lot of Ecstasy because that was making me happy. My emotions at the time, in response to these drugs, were still authentic.
All the drugs made my real senses come straight to the edge of my skin. I wasn’t masking any feelings; if anything, I was bringing them up. When you do Ecstasy and meth you talk about anything and everything. I was already a talker, of course, but not about my feelings. I’m actually very shy. I learned from a young age that my family story was something shameful to my peers. I would try to hide the fact that my parents were divorced and I was from a single-parent home. And then when I knew I was gay, I knew that was a secret I had to keep.
As a result, as you know already, I grew up in lies. I wasn’t ashamed of being gay, but I knew that others saw it as shameful, and I had to lie to protect myself from the cruelty of their homophobia. Since I grew up having to lie about my identity, about being straight or gay, “Oh yeah, this is my boyfriend,” “Oh yeah, these are my parents,” sometimes it’s still my knee-jerk reaction—to tell a white lie. It’s very, very hard to unwind that. Why should I feel ashamed about the lies I had to tell in self-preservation when I was younger?
But I still do. Because being a liar was easy. I would never have been able to admit that without having been in therapy for the last decade. Do you know how brave it is to tell people that you were a liar? Do you know how hard it is to admit you were a drug addict? How much more open and exposed can you get? I had to push past the shame. I could do it only because I fell in love with a person who believed in me, and loved me the way I was. Having her in my life made me realize that the only way our relationship could work was if I was honest about everything that happened to me. So I did. I killed my shame with the truth.
Telling the unvarnished truth is like peeling the layers back on the onion of vulnerability. It’s almost impossible to get through your entire day without telling a lie. You know you have to come up with those little white lies because you don’t want to tell your friend that, yes, her little black dress actually does make her look fat, or tell your boss that he’s an incompetent hack with bad breath. You don’t want to hurt your friend’s feelings and you don’t want to get fired. In other words, there’s a difference between the little lies you tell to survive, and the bigger lies you tell yourself.
You also need to find something that pushes you out of being stuck in the holding-on-to-shame pattern. If you keep telling yourself that you’re bad and unworthy, if you think you can’t undo what was done, then you have to take action. Either by unburdening yourself to someone trustworthy who can help (as my therapist helped me), or by creating a new reality for yourself.
Confidence is key. If you’re really good at something—and everybody is, whether it’s running a multibillion-dollar company or having a really lovely potted garden on your porch—you can push past shame, too. You don’t have to think you’re unworthy anymore. And your confidence about yourself begets more confidence, which makes you exude happiness, which brings love to you. The trick is to keep your momentum, and that, as you know, means moving and staying in shape!
Instead of the shame driving you, go back to your MAP. Make a Plan. Do it now. Instead of telling yourself you’re a failure, say, “I have a plan. I have a MAP. I am going to be like a toddler learning to walk. That toddler falls down and gets up again and falls down and gets up again. If toddlers stopped trying the first time they fell down, they’d still be crawling. They don’t criticize themselves or think they’re no good at walking. They get up. They know they can do it. They’re confident that they’re going to figure it out and succeed. And I will, too.”
If those toddlers fall too many times and get tired and frustrated, what do they do? They cry. They’re preverbal, and the only way they can communicate and ask for help is with their tears. There’s no shame in crying. Sometimes as human beings we don’t give love and attention until someone’s crying, and then we soften up because we see the upset. Besides, sometimes a good cry can be incredibly cathartic, to help clear out the mental garbage and jargon that’s bringing you down.
The Rule of Nine Is a Shame Killer, Too
If you’re still having trouble with your shame issues, try this: For every one bad thing you did, or do, I believe that you can do nine good things to get rid of that one bad thing. That’s how you match up your karma. If you fuck something up, you’ve got to make nine people’s lives better for that one fuck-up.
The Rule of Nine doesn’t have to be about large things. It can be as small as buying a sandwich for the homeless person in your neighborhood or as big as helping your friend pack up her house when she has to downsize because she lost her job. It can be telling your friend who borrowed fifty dollars from you that they don’t ever have to pay it back—it’s a gift. It’s about helping someone move on a Sunday when it’s your only day off. It’s about driving an hour to sit shivah for your friend’s grandmother whom you never met. It’s about letting someone stay with you when they’re going through a hard time and need a place to crash for a while. Doing these good deeds will fill your heart up. Do as many as you can.
FLIP THE NEGATIVE
When you’re training your heart and opening it up to love, it helps to process your feelings of hurt and pain by seeing the good components of whatever it is that’s hurting you. In other words, flip the negative and make it positive.
Tell yourself this (and believe it): Every emotion is temporary, and every time you blink is a chance to change your attitude. You’re now going to be all about exuding self-love.
For example, if there is a painful memory (an argument, a deep hurt, the loss of a loved one), hold on to all the best moments between you and that person. Don’t be afraid to create a dialogue in your head with that person. Have the same conversation you would have had if they were sitting in the same room with you. It’s comforting to know they might be listening to you. It’s just faith. Have it—it works.
Or another: If you discover that your partner is cheating and decideds to leave your marriage . . . deal with the anger. Adjust to the changes. Then see the great moments (your wedding day, the first house, the amazing children) and hang on to those. Delete the bad; it only drags down your energies. Admit you understand, on a profound level, deep down, why your partner left, even if the future is scary.
Or another: Loss of a job only means your next opportunity is waiting for you around the corner, but you have to put on your discovery hat and be an adventurer to go seek it out. Don’t wait for it to fall in your lap—you have to manifest it. Which is why the group dynamic is so special. You will network into so many amazing circles of life, and by getting to know the people around you, you put out the things you need, and the universe will take care of the rest. This is not hokey, by the way. This is you setting an intention, using your life experiences to meet up with the right opportunities, and acting upon it.
Emotional presence in your life is the quintessential ingredient to a healthy mind and body. You have to stay connected to your true feelings in order to train your heart.
Believe me, I know how hard this can be. Especially if you are a drinker, or a pill popper. I can’t drink or take pills for anything anymore, which means I basically go through life feeling every single emotion, every uncomfortable moment, every thrilling moment, 100 percent present in my mind and body. I never thought I could survive without being numbed. But once I was sober I discovered I like it this way. It’s the real me, shame and all. It’s also the most powerful feeling, waking up in my body every day!
Know your pitfalls and walk through them, not around them. That’s flipping the negative. Walking around them keeps you in them; walking through them allows you to feel the bottom, and know that you don’t belong there.
If, for instance, your pitfall is drinking, walking through it means telling yourself you can’t drink like that because you experienced the feeling of doing it already. You can’t walk down it again. I use these metaphors to replace that fear with confidence—to acknowledge the real feelings of the real you.
PUT YOURSELF IN THE MIX AND CHANGE IT UP
When I was a DJ, my friend Brett called me DJ Miss Mix-y. Because I was always mixing. Not just music for the dance floor—I was always mixing people together, inviting different people to different events. I wanted all my friends to blend and mix it up. I had straight friends, I had gay friends, I had models, actors, schoolteachers, construction workers, lawyers, and doctors in my life. I especially loved taking my straight friends with straight jobs to gay parties. They always had a blast. I would say to them, “Just go out there and put yourself in the mix.”
Putting yourself into the mix isn’t just about music. It’s about doing whatever you need to do to shake up your life. This will bring new people into your orbit. It will also bring new opportunities and new confidence. And more love into your heart.
Start mixing it up by doing something as simple as changing how you get to work, or where you go for lunch. This is especially important when you’re feeling stuck. A new routine is a must when your old routine isn’t doing it for you anymore. If you go to lunch at noon every day, at the same place show up at eleven forty-five instead, somewhere else. Sure, there is comfort in being a regular somewhere, but there’s also comfort in knowing you’re capable of putting yourself in the mix.
Get out your bucket list and start doing something about it. Maybe go on a trip with a group once in a while (even if it’s just a day-trip to a park or to take a hike in the woods), sign up for a surf camp in Costa Rica, or go on a cruise by yourself!
Putting yourself in the mix is, on a more profound level, about taking risks. You’ve got to go for it (whatever it is) to get it. Well, I think we all know that falling in love is the biggest risk you’ll take.
That’s why I love my girlfriend so much. She’s such a lover of life. She might be a hard-ass, but I love her even more for that. She runs a tight ship, but that’s why we’ve worked through our problems and are now two years past our ten-year anniversary and happier than ever. Her rules are inviolable, and thank goodness for that. Remember, I was taught to go for easy, which got me precisely nowhere—so it can get uncomfortable for me when my buttons get pushed. But it keeps me on my toes. It keeps our relationship fresh. If it were too easy and plugged in to my comfort zone, I’d soon be bored out of my brain. I’d be drinking and using again because I’d have too much time on my hands, looking for fun and something to keep me occupied. Instead of doing the hard, challenging work of training my heart.
What I’ve also learned is that you can’t not love in fear of rejection or losing it. Part of love is losing it. I have had my heart broken so many times, but that didn’t stop me from pursuing future relationships. I don’t not love because of my past. Right now, the thought of me not being with my girlfriend is so devastating I don’t even think about it. But if that ever did happen, for whatever reason, I’d have to deal with it then. Projecting wild fears into the future is a dumb kind of risk. You risk projecting hypothetical ideas into the now. For what purpose?
Stick to your MAP. Evaluate the pros and cons of the risks you’re considering. Then . . . go for it!
THE ALTRUISM OF LOVE
Want to know how to have a bad relationship? It’s simple. It’s not seeing someone for who they are, and deciding that you can “fix” and mold the person into who you want them to be. Except people can’t be “fixed” if they don’t want to be fixed. They’ll change only when they’re ready (and many never will be).
You can’t make someone love you the way you want them to love you. They either do or they don’t. If you fall into this trap, you can’t blame the other person. This can turn into a vicious cycle and be a relationship-killer because you might just want your partner to be the best they can be so you can grow together, side by side. But if your partner doesn’t want your help, or can’t accept it, you’ve got a problem. I am always willing to try harder, but that’s usually after my mild tantrum of “I can’t do this any better. . . .” Then I catch myself and say, “I’ll try harder.”
In other words, there is an enormous difference between self-sacrifice and altruism.
Self-sacrifice can veer precipitously from love and admiration to martyrdom and accusations. Altruism, on the other hand, is what you want to strive for in a relationship.
My trusty dictionary defines altruism as “the belief in or practice of disinterested and selfless concern for the well-being of others.” Teachers, doctors, and social workers are altruistic by profession. Trainers and healers are, too. That is really who I am, because I love helping people feel better and look better and do better. That’s my calling. It’s my purpose. On that long-ago day in church, Pastor Bayless’s mom told me I was chosen to speak. I didn’t quite get it at the time, but I’ve gotten it now. I found the channel for my message—which is exercise. To get moving and to keep moving.
An altruistic relationship is based on mutual respect, honesty, and communication. Both of you are “practicing selfless concern for the well-being” of each other, at the same time. It’s working toward the same goals.
What you should both try to do is out love each other. Try to love harder. If you’re both on the same altruistic page, you’ll never go wrong.
If you have a relationship like that now, I salute you. If not, you can have it. He or she is out there for you. Focus on your visualizations. Get busy. Throw your positive vibes out into the universe. Accept your faults. Get help pushing past the dark emotions and memories that might be holding you back. Love yourself a whole lot more, and you’re going to shine so bright you will be the beacon that leads love toward you.
Visualization for Love
This is a very powerful visualization for bringing love and magic into your life.
1. Sit in a comfortable position in a dark room. Close your eyes.
2. Picture yourself as energy, as if you were your own Hubble telescope peering out at all the stars in the universe. We are all energies. We are all force fields walking through this universe.
3. Keep imagining what your energy looks like, and try to put your hands on it. When you capture it, it’s like that magic moment when your children collect fireflies at night. When your children stare at the jar full of life and love.
4. Imagine your energy filling up an enormous and special jar of life and love. Feel it in your heart. Let it heal you. Let this light of love heal everybody you touch. This is how you change the world and this is how you find love. Feel your body glow. Get brighter and brighter. Brighter and brighter.
5. Now from the inside out, give yourself a huge hug by grabbing your hips right hand to left hip and left hip to right hand, and then flex your abs. Send the love vibration through your body, and watch how differently you feel when you open your eyes. Do it now!