The Bluebird Club. JENNY and TINA are at the microphone. MAC, POLLY, and VINNIE, at one table, applaud as JENNY and TINA bow and leave the stage. At a second table, PORK sits with IVES, who is whistling his approval. PEACHUM, MYRNA, BROWN, and STRINGER sit at a third table. A banner across the stage reads “1928 Thief of the Year.”
VINNIE
(bounding to the stage) Thank you, ladies. Fantastic. That was Jenny. And her lovely sister Tina … who has recently returned to us from a short stay upstate. The Bluebird Girls. Appearing every night until … (to JENNY) Until when?
TINA
(leaving) Until we get a better offer.
VINNIE
In other words, until hell freezes over …
JENNY and TINA leave.
VINNIE
And now without further ado … tonight’s special presentation.
PORK
(standing) Hey, hold on. What about the testimonials?
VINNIE
The what?
PORK
You know … stories about the capers I went on, told by all my pals.
VINNIE
Well, I guess they didn’t want to incriminate themselves … So you’ll just have to come up here and get your plaque, or shut your mouth and sit back down so we can forget the whole stupid thing.
PORK
Nice talk …
He starts up to the stage.
VINNIE
Okay, let’s have some applause for tonight’s guest of honour and the Bluebird Club’s thief of the year. Mr. Gerald “Pork” Hanlon.
PORK takes the stage to the modest applause of the crowd. IVES jumps to his feet, cheering.
PORK
Thank you. Thanks. Thanks … (to IVES) Yeah … okay. You can sit down. (to OTHERS) So yeah. Thanks … And I gotta tell you, this means a helluva lot to me.
MYRNA
(has been drinking) Why? It’s an award you made up and then gave to yourself.
PORK
Which doesn’t mean I don’t deserve it.
MYRNA
Horse crap!
PORK
Hey! My two biggest heroes are here to see me get this, and that makes it like the torch is being passed or something. From, like, the kings of thieves … to, you know, the prince.
MYRNA
Horse crap! You’re the prince of thieves like I’m the queen of New Hampshire.
PORK
I don’t get the reference.
PEACHUM
(quieting MYRNA) She’s drunk. Just get on with it.
MAC
Yeah. Give the man his plaque and let him sit down.
VINNIE
(presenting PORK his small plaque) Here you go. And congratulations on a pretty good haul and, for the first time in your career, not getting nicked even once.
PORK lifts the plaque and leaves the stage. MAC, BROWN, MYRNA, and PEACHUM settle together at a table in the corner.
BROWN
You think this might become a yearly tradition?
PEACHUM
Only if there’s someone deserving.
BROWN
You mean, someone who thinks he’s deserving. I mean it is self-awarded.
MYRNA
Right. The whole thing’s a pile of horse crap!
MYRNA gets up to join POLLY and VINNIE. IVES and PORK try to join STRINGER at his table. He objects and they begin to exchange words.
MAC
(to PORK) What’s the problem over there?!
IVES
He was all alone so we thought we’d join him!
PORK
And he started to insult us. Didn’t want to share his table with a couple of low-lifes.
MAC
So leave him alone then!
PORK
Screw that. He’s gonna sit there and be nice to us!
PORK goes to sit and STRINGER kicks the chair away. PORK falls on his rear.
IVES
Well, that was just rude!
IVES goes after STRINGER and they get into it. PORK joins in but STRINGER is more than a match for both of them.
PEACHUM
Do you want this stopped? Your man’s outmatched.
BROWN
You think so?
They all watch the brawl for a while. MYRNA in particular seems to be enjoying it.
BROWN
(above the din) I want to hear a little bit more about your meeting!
PEACHUM
They’re interested, like I said!
BROWN
And who’s this other guy Battisti you took along?! The one with the actual scheme?!
MAC
(in an Italian accent) Thatsa me. Carlo Battisti from Palermo! Not to worry, boys. I did the same kinda thing back home. Big success! (dropping accent) I even got newspaper clippings. (pulls them out)
STRINGER has now flattened both IVES and PORK. MYRNA brings him a celebratory drink and VINNIE starts to clean up.
BROWN
(looks at clippings) I can’t read Italian.
MAC
(in accent) They say I’m big crook. I steal millions from poor investors, but police, they cannot find me.
PEACHUM
We go prepared.
BROWN
Good for you. And they’ll know for sure they’re getting involved in something illegal. I can’t have them claiming they were duped.
PEACHUM
Only a moron would think this was legit.
POLLY joins their table.
POLLY
Can we go home now?
MAC
Pretty soon, yeah.
POLLY
(to PEACHUM) Momma’s drunk. She’s probably gonna start taking her clothes off pretty soon.
PEACHUM
Well, as long as she’s happy … (taking her han d) We didn’t get a chance to chat.
POLLY
No. We didn’t. How are you?
PEACHUM
Okay.
POLLY
Me too. (a short, awkward silence) Well, it’s been lovely. (to MAC) You better go scrape your boys off the floor.
MAC stands.
MAC
(to BROWN) Don’t worry, okay? Everything’s gonna be fine.
MAC heads to PORK and IVES.
POLLY
You get my man in any real trouble, Mr. Brown, and you’ll have me to answer to.
She meets up with MAC, who is helping IVES and PORK out of the club. MYRNA is heading for the stage.
PEACHUM
(gesturing to MYRNA) Here she goes.
MYRNA
Okay, where’s my music? And not any of that boom-boom stuff either. My act’s a lot classier than that, if any of you remember.
She struggles to take off her shirt, twisting and turning and finally falling on the floor. PEACHUM stands.
PEACHUM
(to BROWN) Excuse me.
PEACHUM goes to the stage. STRINGER makes his way to join BROWN.
PEACHUM
(lifting MYRNA) Okay, sweetheart. Time for bed.
They start off.
MYRNA
How’d I do?
PEACHUM
You left them breathless …
They leave. STRINGER sits across from BROWN.
STRINGER
You’re sure we need these vermin?
BROWN
Yeah ... But … just for a little while longer. What are you drinking, Stringer?
STRINGER
Water, sir.
BROWN
Good man. I’ll join you.
He looks around for a waiter.
Blackout.