Despite living near to each other Tom hadn’t seen his best friend for more than a month. They both had a young family and demanding jobs; time just seemed to slip by. But they had agreed to meet one evening for a beer once the children had been put to bed. After half an hour he brought up the subject that was the real reason he had suggested getting together.
‘I want to speak to you about something in confidence.’
‘Of course, anything you like,’ said Pat, taking a sip of beer.
‘This has to be between us. You’re not even to tell Doreen.’
‘If that’s want you want, my lips are sealed.’
‘Gemma and I have been having some problems.’
‘The two of you always seem so happy together and little Amy. Everyone says so.’
‘Yes, I know. And on the whole, we are.’
‘Well then, I’m sure any difficulties can be sorted out. What’s so wrong that’s it’s made you this worked up?’
This was the moment he had been dreading. Pat was an average, decent family man. Tom trusted that nothing would be repeated, but his shame fought a battle inside him with the need to know how an ordinary person would react to such a revelation, someone who was not a doctor or solicitor. He also needed to speak to a friend. So he said it, and even to his own ears the words sounded unbelievable.
‘She’s been beating me up.’
Pat looked at him across the top of his glass, which hovered in mid-air a few inches from his mouth.
‘You’re pulling my plonker.’
‘I’m not.’
‘Jesus Christ. You mean beating you up as in bashing you with things?’
‘In the beginning it was the odd slap or punch. But over the last couple of years it’s become worse, throwing objects, hitting me with pans, trying to kick me in the nuts ... succeeding sometimes.’
‘Sorry, mate, I’m finding this hard to take in. You could tuck her under one arm and still drink your beer with the other.’
‘I know. That’s not the point.’
‘I don’t get it. Just look at the size of you. How can she do it?’
‘She uses surprise, attacks me when I’m never expecting it. We can go for weeks with nothing happening, our lives seemingly normal in every way. We do things with Amy, have a laugh, enjoy evenings out as a couple then suddenly I’m lying on the floor dazed because she’s hit me on the head with a saucepan.’
‘But why? What the hell do you do to provoke her that much?’
‘I don’t do anything.’
‘Come on, man. I’ve already promised I won’t repeat this conversation so you might as well be completely open. You must do something really bad to wind up Gemma so much that she wants to give you a battering. Women just don’t do that. It’s not in their nature.’
It wasn’t just his words that Tom was hearing; he could see the utter disbelief in his friend’s eyes, hear it in his voice.
‘I don’t do anything.’
Pat put down his glass loudly on the table, angry because either Tom was lying to him, or was only willing to tell a part of the story and not prepared to be totally honest when he had already sworn him to secrecy. It was an affront to his integrity.
‘I don’t do anything that I’m aware of. She just seems to lose control.’
‘I’m certainly not suggesting that you’re physical in any way back to her, but have you been?’
‘No.’
‘Well, I’m glad to hear it, but I don’t really know what to say to you. I’ve never heard of such a thing happening and if I had you would be the last person on the list to be involved. Have you talked to her about it?’
‘I’ve tried ...’ said Tom, knowing he sounded weak, feeling that he was losing the respect of a man he admired.
‘It seems like you need to try a bit more. Where’s your manliness gone? I heard you’d been dropped from the team. I hope you’re not going through some strange middle-age phase. You’re a bit young for that.’
As he spoke he could see his friend was crestfallen.
‘Look, this is a bit much for me. I’m a simple guy. I’m sure all sorts of odd things go on behind closed doors between couples, but your wife giving you a thumping is beyond me. Have you spoken to anyone else about this?’
‘A solicitor and my GP.’
‘What did they say?’
‘The solicitor basically told me to keep away from the courts and the GP hadn’t come across such a situation before, but she went on the Internet and found some UK charities specifically for abused men. There’s more than one,’ said Tom, trying to stress that the problem must be widespread for there to be so many specialist organisations.
‘Well, at least you’ve spoken to people who will keep this confidential, and so will I,’ said Pat. ‘But you should be careful who you talk to. You don’t want rumours like this going around about your home life. It’s the sort of story that gets twisted in the retelling, and before you know it you’ll be the abuser, because nobody will accept it could be the other way around.
‘And if people do believe you, then what? You’ll be ridiculed, perhaps not to your face, but no one is going to give you any sympathy for letting your wife knock you around. Society has always looked on the hen-pecked male as something funny, like the seaside postcard showing the big woman with the frying pan waiting at the front door to give her husband a good walloping for being home late from the pub.
‘You’re on a hiding to nothing with this one, Tom. Most people seeing a man slap a woman in the street would rush over to check she was alright and that it didn’t happen again. If a woman slapped a man the majority would probably walk on, while wondering what he had done to deserve it.
‘This is what the marketing bods call a “no-win” scenario. If you want my advice, keep your mouth shut. But you need to give Gemma a firm talking to. Stand up for yourself, man. Let her know she can’t get away with it. I love Doreen, but she wouldn’t kick me around.’
Tom listened carefully to his friend’s comments and thought they were probably similar to what he would have once said ... before the first time his wife had hit him.
* *
Tom spent a considerable amount of time trawling through information about battered men on the Internet and studied the websites of charities dedicated to this issue, reading other men’s stories of domestic abuse with amazement. He carried out his research at work, so Gemma wouldn’t know what he was doing. She had a habit of checking his emails and recently visited websites, although he had no idea what she expected to discover.
Tom closed his office door. He assumed that conversations with the charity were confidential and appreciated that the person on the other end of the line was there specifically to help men in situations such as his. Nonetheless, he felt vulnerable, almost overwhelmed by humiliation. He started dialling the number twice, stopping each time part way through, before finally keying it in full.
It was a woman. He didn’t know why he felt so surprised. She identified the organisation, said her name was Penny and asked how she could help.
‘My wife has been violent to me,’ he said eventually.
‘I must firstly check that you are safe ringing me from where you are?’
‘Yes.’
‘Are you sure? It is vital that you are not putting yourself in danger by making this telephone call.’
‘No, I’m certain.’
‘If this situation changes at all during the course of our conversation, please end the call and ring again. Can you tell me where you are ringing from?’
He told her the area of Scotland that he lived in.
‘And may I take your name?’
‘It’s Tom.’
‘Thank you. I understand how very difficult this is to talk about, but can you tell me what has been happening to you?’
He outlined the relevant events that had occurred during the last two and a half years.
‘Have you told anyone in authority about this, such as the police or your GP?’
‘I’ve recently seen my GP, and I spoke to a friend who is a solicitor.’
‘It might be worth considering getting in touch with a police officer who is a specialist in domestic violence. They are very understanding and if you contact your local station they can put you in touch with the nearest one. If you do make a formal complaint, make sure you get a reference number of some sort, so that you have something to refer to in future.’
Tom felt too ashamed to tell her that he had been detained in a cell because the police thought he was violent, so he simply muttered ‘thanks’.
‘How do you feel now?’ asked Penny.
How did he feel?
He considered the question before answering.
‘Humiliated ... angry ... frightened ... confused.’
‘These are all normal reactions. It’s always devastating when a partner in what is meant to be a loving relationship is violent, and for a man to be the victim of abuse from a woman it is especially confusing. Most men simply have no idea how to respond because this goes against everything that we are brought up to believe and expect.’
‘The shame and feelings of betrayal hurt me far worse than any bruises or other injuries,’ he said.
‘That’s perfectly understandable. We often hear that sort of comment.’
‘Until I started reading about male abuse on websites, I thought I was the only person to be in such a position, that I somehow deserved this punishment for something I had done. It was a strange relief to learn that other men are in similar situations.’
‘Even today domestic violence continues to be largely a hidden problem in society,’ said Penny. ‘People simply find it extremely difficult to admit it is happening and seek help. Men are even less likely to report it and this compounds the notion that such things can’t possibly happen. Often it’s the mother or sister of a victim who contacts us with concerns about his safety.’
‘What do you do?’
‘We can listen and offer some guidance, but we really need the person himself to get in touch. What has made you contact us today?’
There was silence on the telephone as he thought about this.
‘I guess I had reached a point where I needed to speak to someone who understood, who at least believed what I said without pre-judging that I must be guilty of something terrible to be treated like this.’
‘We don’t pre-judge anyone, although I know this can be another hurdle for men who do find the courage to speak out. What do you feel you want to do, Tom?’
‘I want to stay with my wife and child, to have a normal life without the fear or threat of violence. I love them both.’
‘Can you tell me about your child?’
‘We’ve got a seven-year-old daughter, Amy, nearly eight.’
‘They grow up so quickly. Has there ever been any abuse towards her?’
‘None.’
‘Are you concerned at all that Amy might be in danger?’
Penny spoke to him for several minutes about Amy: had she shown any signs of distress, changes of behaviour, were there problems at school? Tom was impressed at her concern for his daughter.
‘Perhaps it might be useful if I gave you a few tips on safety. They may seem rather obvious, but it’s surprising how people don’t think of them.’
‘Yes, thanks.’
‘I don’t know if there are any collections of items around the house that could be used as weapons, but it’s a good idea to make sure they are locked away or even disposed of. Military memorabilia would be top of the list, but there could be other hobbies that provide objects that are too dangerous to have lying about if they’re easily accessible.
‘Consider the room you are in if your wife looks like she might become violent. The kitchen is generally the most risky. If knives are kept in a drawer, rather than hanging on the wall, then those few extra seconds it takes to get hold of one could provide the time required to escape out of the door.
‘Think about each room and what is in it that could be turned against you. Don’t ignore the bedroom. It might not seem to be the most dangerous place, but it’s often where most abuse occurs. Try to construct a safe area in the house, and when your wife becomes aggressive move there if you can during the conversation without it being too noticeable.’
‘I’ll give all this some thought. Thank you.’
‘I’m throwing at lot at you, Tom. Are you okay with what I’ve said so far?’
‘I’m making notes,’ he said, adding, ‘and I’ll keep them well hidden.’
‘Avoid fighting back. Just get away if there’s danger.’
‘I will.’
‘And you might want to consider having an escape plan,’ she said.
‘An escape plan?’
‘Regardless of gender, it’s important that the victim puts in place a means of surviving more easily if they have to flee from their home. Some people realise the danger to their life is so great that they never go back. But if you hadn’t made any preparations you wouldn’t even have a change of clothes, and there might be no easy means of retrieving vital documents such as your passport or bank account details.’
‘I see what you mean,’ he said, beginning to realise the significance of what she was saying.
‘Think through carefully what you would need access to if you suddenly left the house with only what you were wearing. I would suggest packing a suitcase with these items, including some money, perhaps a spare set of car keys and details such as telephone numbers in case you leave without even your mobile. It might be necessary to prove who you are, so you might want your birth certificate and some old bills, and don’t forget to pack spare medication if you’re taking anything, particularly if it’s on prescription.
‘However, don’t remove anything that could possibly arouse suspicion, such as a favourite photograph, and don’t leave the packed case in the house because if you’re leaving in such a hurry that you can’t grab your wallet or phone then you’re unlikely to rescue a suitcase from the loft. Leave it with a trusted friend or family member.’
‘Thank you,’ said Tom. ‘I hadn’t considered all this, but I appreciate your advice.’
‘I’m afraid there is no accommodation in a safe house for abused men in Scotland, but there are a handful in England and Wales, though you might have to be means-tested to get a place should there be one available.’
‘England!
‘The nearest one is in Yorkshire.’
‘Yorkshire! But I have my family and job. A potential bed hundreds of miles away is no use to me.’
‘I’m sorry. We have a website and can offer help on the telephone plus face-to-face meetings where possible, but I’m afraid we can’t provide somewhere for a man to sleep.’
‘What do men do if they’ve suddenly had to leave their home?’
'Sometimes they are able to stay with friends or relatives. Being re-housed by the local authority can be a complex issue and depends on where you are. Technically, if someone is escaping domestic violence they should be given priority for accommodation, although we know of councils that refuse housing services in these situations because, in their opinion, the person has deliberately made themselves homeless.
‘It’s a bit of a Catch 22 situation, but it generally helps if you have a crime reference number from the police as you can more easily show you are a victim of abuse. I'm afraid we know of men basically living in their cars in order to remain near to their children.
‘And if you are actually planning to leave, rather than preparing for the possibility of leaving, please be extremely careful who you tell. It’s been known even for family members, thinking they are somehow helping, to secretly tell the abuser that their partner is leaving them, with disastrous results for the victim.’
Tom had never considered himself a ‘victim’. Or course, he knew there was such a thing as domestic violence. Everyone had seen the images of women who had been beaten terribly by their husbands or male partners for little more than that they didn’t like the evening meal. He thought such men worse than despicable cowards. But hearing of escape plans and lists, of not being able to tell family members, made everything sound like a bad thriller.
Then he thought about how much he had hesitated to speak even to a doctor. He had felt so ashamed. How many women suffered in silence, believing they too were alone in their misery, that they were the only woman being beaten and must somehow simply endure it?
‘Hello. Are you alright?’ said Penny.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I was lost in thought.’
‘There’s no need to apologise. Take as much time as you need. You may want to call back again when you’ve thought through what I’ve said, and perhaps have further questions. It’s not a problem. Ring us as many times as you need. Do you have a trusted friend or member of the family that you could leave your suitcase with?’
‘I have a sister. She’s not too far away and I trust her completely.’