“Wilde, I’m addicted to your kind of crazy. You could even say I need it in my life. Like a powerful drug that makes my body hum.” Addison and I faced each other in the packed bus station. My eyes were on her, only her, as if the buzzing crowd around us didn’t exist in our world. “You’re everything I never knew I wanted. You’re even crazier than I am, and I didn’t think this could be possible. You branded me to you, and now I’ll never want anyone else for the rest of my life. You stole my heart. Why can’t you see it? You can either cherish it or crush it; it’s your choice, but I’ll never take it back. I can’t believe I’m saying it out loud, but I’m gone for you. I love you, Addison Wilde. Everything I’ve said since yesterday is true. Have me. Love me. Torture me. Because I feel alive when you do. Don’t go. No matter what, I still want you to be my wife. Let’s figure it out. Here. Together. You’re the only unpredictable variable in my life. The surprise of my days. The reason I’ve been smiling so damn much lately. The oxygen my body requires to function properly."
“Tuck, we already talked about it.”
“I don’t care. I’ve replayed everything you said this morning multiple times. What if we never find our way back to each other? Are you willing to risk it? You’re the one for me, sweetheart. Fuck, I sound like my worst nightmare. Who cares, right? You’re happier when you’re with me. I can tell. Those clouds in your eyes clear up when we’re together.”
“Okay, stop. My life is in Atlanta, and yours is in Chicago. Except for our friends and maybe a common habit to do stupid shit, we—”
“We what?”
“What happened to ‘no strings attached’? Now we go on with our lives. No harm done. And see how it goes.” She paused, inhaling through her mouth, rubbing her hands together. “Let’s trust life and see how it unfolds. I need time. As much as I’m desperate for love, I gotta be able to abandon myself completely to that emotion. This is harder than I thought it’d be.”
Addison moved to her tiptoes and kissed me. Hard and soft. Offering me a new window to her soul. It confirmed what I was aware of, that we belonged together. Now my sole mission would be to show her just how much.
“There’s nothing I want more than to surrender myself to you, big guy. It’s not that I don’t love you or care about you, it’s just that I can’t jump into this the way you’re asking me to. I shouldn’t have said ‘Yes’ yesterday. I’m sorry if I led you on.” Her lips claimed mine once more, and I lost myself in the kiss.
“Wilde, I feel more alive gravitating in your orbit than I’ve been in the years on my own. And we’ll be happy. I promise you.”
She pinched her lips together, fidgeting with her hands. “It’s not that I don’t believe you. I’m much happier when you’re around. My days are brighter when they involve you. I like us together. A lot. By now, I’m also aware you’re a man of your word. Once I go home, I’ll miss you like crazy. It’s just… Tuck, it’s all going too fast. I need time. To assess everything. To take a breath of fresh air on my own. The ride is scary, and I’m not sure I’m strong or brave enough to risk it all. That I’m ready to go blind without thinking it through.”
“I know you’re afraid, but I won’t let anything bad happen to you or your heart.”
“Gimme some time. To sort out my feelings." With that, she stepped back, gathering her suitcase and bag.
I sighed. “Go. For now. But don’t run away.”
She twirled on the balls of her feet, and I grabbed her elbow before she could get too far.
“I’ll give you time. But soon you’ll realize I was right. I know because I came to the same conclusion. And it was a shock at first. That I could fall so hard for someone else. And I’ll come to get you, Addison. Call me, and I’ll stop everything and fly to you. Anytime of the day or night. I’ll sweep you off your feet and never let you go.”
I kissed her one last time, my heart leaping in my throat.
My feelings hurt as I tried to hide my helplessness from her.
“Can we still talk at night?” I ventured, fearing she’d refuse.
Addison shook her head. “We better not. For a while. Clean break. No outside influence until we’re both ready to have that talk.”
Her refusal weighed heavy on me. “But—”
“Tuck, let’s not complicate everything. Let’s just take some time apart. Goodbye."
“No, no goodbye, Wilde. See you soon. It’s way less dramatic.”
“But dramatic is my trademark.”
Her eyes brimmed with tears.
And similar dampness filled mine. “See ya around, Wilde.”
She spoke again, but her words got drowned as she disappeared further into the noisy station. All I heard was “Big guy,” and it drew a sad curve on my lips.
I watched her leave, and I felt as if something died inside of me.
My world turned a dull shade of gray, stealing all my colors.
How long would it take for her to come back to me? To realize she’d made a mistake? The other option, the one where we’d go our separate ways didn’t sit well with me.
I kept my eyes trained on my heart walking away from me until it vanished, disappearing in the crowd without another look in my direction.
With a slouched back, I dropped to the nearest bench, my legs stretched before me, my insides turning into a pile of rock.
Unshed tears burned the back of my eyes. It felt as if I’d been skinned raw, my heart hung dry, bruised and weak, for everyone to see. A muffled cry broke through the rim of my lips. How could this hurt so fucking bad?
With the back of my hand, I chased my tears away.
Yesterday, Addison agreed to be my girlfriend.
And today, she quit on us.
“Mommy,” I screamed. “Don’t go. Stay.” With all my strength, I pulled at the strap of the bag she carried. Sobs drowned my words. “Mommmmy."
Could she hear me?
Why wasn’t she saying anything?
I tugged harder.
After a long moment, she kneeled in front of me, just before crossing the threshold of the front door.
“Tucker, men don’t cry."
“Will you come back? Where are you going?” I asked through hot tears, fighting them, to be a man like she asked me to.
My mother shook her head. “Your father and I decided it would be better if I move out. But he’ll need you.”
“Where are you going?”
“Ron and I are moving out of town. It’s for the best.” She averted her eyes, worrying her bag strap. “You’ll come to visit us. Later.”
“When?”
“I’ll let you know when I’m ready. It’s hard for me to leave, but this is what is best for you.” She kissed my cheek. “Goodbye, Tucker.”
“No. No goodbye.”
The door slammed behind her as she made her exit.
The memory of my mother walking out on me resurfaced. I hadn’t thought about that day in such a long time.
Addison was all wrong. I loved her. And never again would I let a woman I loved walk away without a fight.
I shut my eyes, fighting the grief playing behind my lids.
My body shuddered. As if I was in the throes of the withdrawal effects of the drug I was the most addicted to.
Time ticked by.
I had no idea how long I’d been sitting on the bus station bench, but I had no inclination to move either.
All my thoughts collided in my head. I replayed every scene since I got here. Every word, look, or kiss Addison and I exchanged.
Her words made sense. That was what upset me the most. But it was her fear talking. Her past experiences of trusting other people with her heart. Not the woman I loved. Not the wild temptress who seduced me.
Or did she seduce me because she thought her heart would be safe, that she wouldn’t fall for me?
Doubts swirled in me. Did I try hard enough? What else should I have done? Or said? Should I have run after her or locked her in the house until she gave in? Why was I questioning everything? My cracked organ dangled freely in my chest. Addison left. With a tiny flame of hope still burning, I watched people entering and leaving the station. No, she wouldn’t come back. If she did, she would’ve already been wrapped in my arms.
Devise a plan. Win her back. And her complete love and trust. I would map out something. Not today, though. But soon.
A new wave of sadness shifted through me, pooling in my aching chest.
I was right the day I met her and said she would be the end of me. Addison Wilde entered my life and tipped over everything I thought I knew. Like a hurricane. Leaving me to deal with the aftermath by myself while she figured it out herself.
She made me see things from a different angle. And I liked the vision. I liked how she believed I could do things I’d be proud of. That had meaning.
With my hands over my burning eyes, I prayed for her to return, knowing with certainty it was like wishing for rain during a drought. Hopeful but not realistic.
Someone sat beside me, offering me a flask. I cocked my head to the side to meet my best friend’s worried gaze.
“What are you doing here, man?” he asked, perusing the train station.
“Reflecting on my life. How did you find me?”
Nick clapped my thigh as the burning liquid lined my throat.
“Addison called Dahlia and told her everything. When you didn’t answer your phone, I knew I’d find you here.”
“Why? How?”
“Under your tough exterior, I’ve always known you are a softy at heart. Do you really love her?"
I shrugged. “Yeah. I do. But she’s not here, isn’t she? She left with my fucking heart in tow, leaving me bleeding.”
“I’m sorry, man. Addison sounded sad when she called.”
“Why do I bother with love? Is it really worth it? She never said it back, you know. The L-word. She acted like she loves me, but the confession never left her mouth. Occasional fucks are much safer and less complicated.”
Nick took the flask from me and brought it to his lips.
“But they don’t fulfill you anymore, right?"
“How do you know?”
“We’ve been friends for over two decades. I’ve noticed the differences in you. Even when I visited you last month, I could tell something happened to you. Your heart was less guarded. Your smile genuine. You had a spark I hadn’t seen in years. I just had no idea at that time what it was.” He paused. “Or who it was.”
“Look at me now. Why bother? She’s not here to take ownership of any of it.”
“Give her time to miss you. To work on her confidence. To see the big picture. For what it’s worth, love isn’t all black or white.” We stayed silent for a long while. “Both of you have worked on yourselves. Grown. For the best. She’s a good one, and I stand behind what I already said. You guys are perfect for each other. At first, I believed one of you would end up hurting. Next time, I’ll listen to my wife when she makes predictions. You and Addi have issues, but I saw how you watched over her on our wedding day and how she brightened up when you were around. Those things don’t lie.”
“Can you call Addison and tell her just that?"
Nick bumped my shoulder with his. “Don’t be cynical. She’ll come around.”
“Man, the attraction was strong. Is strong. I can’t explain it. My senses heighten every time she nears me. At your bachelor party, I tried to stay away. I did. But she was all I could see. All I could smell. All I craved. I would have spent my life inside her, just because it felt like home. Because I know that’s where I’m supposed to be.”
Nick ran a hand through his tousled locks. “I didn’t know. No wonder you’re hurting so bad. I’m sorry. I never thought I would hear you say those words in this lifetime. This updated version of you suits you much better. Welcome to adulthood.” He rose to his feet. “C’mon. Let’s go home. You are not spending the only vacation you’ve taken since you graduated in a bus station in Green Mountain.”
My friend held out his hand, and I grabbed it, requiring his help more than ever to go through the rest of my day.
“Did you really ask her to marry you?” he asked with a sideways glance.
A loud laugh whizzed out from the deep end of me. “Would you be surprised at this point if I did?”
He shrugged. “Nah, nothing can floor me anymore.”
“You really believe she’ll be back?”
“Yes, I do."