I exited the bus, ready to go home, my stubbornness and fears hefty on my shoulders. And the suitcase rolling behind me, a dead weight in my hand. It carried my sorrows, my broken heart, and my fucking ego. Amongst other things. Things I wasn’t ready to dig into or assess. Things that scared me instead of bringing me peace.
My eyes, raw from all the tears I’d shed, stung. Three and a half hours was way too much time to replay my last conversation with Tucker in my head—the pleas in his voice and the hurt in his eyes—and come up with millions of reasons why I should just turn around and gift him my heart like it begged me to. Like he begged me to. Because that’s all I wished for, but my head got the last word. And it urged me to protect my weakest organ. How did we end up here? Tucker Philips was supposed to be a safe choice. A risk-free rebound.
He’d never been a commitment kind of guy. And considering my rap sheet, I always fell for the wrong ones. The unavailable ones. Or the ones with emotional baggage. I always jumped into love with no safety net. Quickly and without questioning the validity of the feelings of the other party involved. Bad habit. Now I knew better. And my heart would thank me one day. It would thank me to have protected it during a moment of weakness.
The pregnancy-scare precipitated engagements we weren’t ready for. I wasn’t ready for. As long as I stayed away, maybe the hurt could be contained. Tucker’s confessions caught me off-guard. They exposed my feelings. We made promises we had no idea if we could go through with.
How could I miss someone I’d known for just a little over a month? How could I feel like my heart had been ripped open when I boarded that bus?
Distance would do me good. To give order to my complicated feelings. Yes, it would help me see things clearly. Without any pressure from exterior sources.
My pulse calmed—sorta—and I straightened my back and upped my chin. I convinced myself I was okay.
Sitting on the curb, I texted my best friend.
Me: Home safe. Well, not home per se, but almost there. Leaving the station right now. I’ll talk to you later.
Me: Love you
She replied within a minute.
Dahlia: Thanks for keeping me updated. How are you doing?
Me: Same. Confused.
Me: Sad.
Me: Broken.
Dahlia: Can I tell Tuck you’re all right? The guys got wasted. We had a barbecue, and he didn’t say it, but he was clearly hurt. Talked about ya the entire time. Back in my old house now. Sleeping it off. I’ll keep an eye on him.
Me: Again, I’m so sorry. You should be living in wedded bliss and having amazing married sex. Not dealing with my fuck-ups.
Dahlia: Don’t worry about me. I’m getting all that. And more *winking emoji* When Jack is asleep. Anyway, you’ve always been there for me. When I was shattered and thought I’d die from a broken heart. I’ll always support and love ya, girlfriend.
My gaze stayed glued to the little bouncing dots at the bottom of the screen.
Dahlia: But I’ll say this because Tucker is my friend too.
Dahlia: I understand why you left. And I’m glad you’re not jumping into something you’re not ready for and taking the time to make sure you’re doing the right thing. But don’t lead him on, okay? If he’s not the one you can see yourself with, be honest. He’s a good guy. And he’s proven himself over the weekend. And you guys looked good together. Sexy. Happy.
Dahlia: I know you’ve been hurt before. But I can tell you like him. A lot. And from what I’ve seen and heard, he really likes you too. He wasn’t faking it. Take some time, decide if going for what you wish for is worth it this time.
Emotions bubbled in my throat. I typed but erased it. I had no idea what I should say. My best friend said it all.
Dahlia: Fine. Don’t reply. I’m glad you made it home. I’ll call you in the morning. Sleep on it. Our conversation isn’t over. I love ya xx
With the tip of my forefinger, I jabbed the screen until I erased all traces of my previous reply and wrote a simple Thank you. Me too instead.
As if my feet had been stuffed with lead, I staggered to the nearest public transportation station to catch the train that would drop me closer to home. Once on the sidewalk, I slowed my steps, not in a hurry to find myself all alone in my apartment. Rebecca was at Ben’s. I knew because I checked earlier. She had no idea the shitshow my few last days had been, and I had mixed feelings about her not being home tonight. I usually told her everything about my life, but this time, I feared her opinion about the whole pregnancy-scare slash Tucker-asked-me-to-marry-him followed by for-the-first-time-I-took-a-step-back-to-analyze-the-situation episode. Tonight, the company of my favorite movie and a tub of mint and chocolate chip ice cream would do. Not ready for another emotional breakdown fueled by alcohol, I ditched the wine. No, thank you. Sugar would have to be enough to up my spirit.
Tucker’s proposal had been spinning in my head since the moment the words left his mouth.
“Let’s get married. You and me. Make it official.”
“But I may not be pregnant, Tuck.”
“See, I don’t care. I want ya. All of ya. Now. No matter what the test says. Let’s not get influenced by the result. I love you.”
“And I thought I was the impulsive one?”
He laughed. “I have my moments.”
“You’re still in shock about the pregnancy scare. Let’s not rush things, okay?”
There. My reasoning had made an appearance. The little voice in my head was onto something. I should’ve listened to it at that exact moment.
“Nick once told me, when you know, you know, when he was talking about Dahlia. And this is the first time I understand what he meant. Because what we share is real. And rare. And you’re the only person who can tame my ways, who makes me yearn for more.”
But then he said just the right words to make me believe my feelings were reciprocated. Could he really do relationships? Could he leave his playboy ways behind for good? For me? For the chance of an us?
When he said... Tears welled in my eyes.
That man... I hiccupped, trying to keep it all in.
He bared himself to me... His heart. His soul.
Time apart would tell me if being together was a spur-of-the-moment commitment or something to explore and nurture further.
“Addison Wilde, would you be my girlfriend? I know it sounds juvenile, but I never said those words to anyone before.”
“I do,” I said out loud to myself, wiping my face with my sleeve. “But I’m afraid this can’t be real. That it won’t last. How do I prevent myself from getting hurt if it isn’t? How do we do this, big guy? How can we be sure it’s meant to be?” I closed my eyes, straightened my back, and breathed deeply. “Universe, life, or destiny, whoever hears me first. Please make sure, if Tucker and I are supposed to be together, that you don’t wait years to put us back on the same journey again. Show me a sign that I won’t be able to deny or misinterpret. Please be on my side this time. Thank you for listening to me.”
I opened my eyes and exhaled the remnants of my hesitancy.
This would have to do. For now.
Curled in the blanket Tucker gifted me—the one he sprayed with his mouth-watering cologne—I fell asleep, hopeful my love life would sort itself out.
The next two weeks bled into each other, and I went through the motions. My heart was still aching, but more than anything, I missed my friend. I had become used to talking to Tucker every night. To send him a dozen text messages a day sharing small details about my life or asking him if I should buy the blue or the purple dress. Indulge in tacos or pasta. Yeah, super important stuff. Because I liked to hear his input on every subject. Like it mattered to him and he took pleasure in advising and listening to me.
Becca knocked on the ajar door of my bedroom. “Addi, are you ready? We gotta leave in ten minutes.” She moved closer. “How are you feeling?"
“Better. Still weak, but less dizzy.”
“You’ve been spreading yourself too thin lately, trying to put Tucker in your rearview mirror. Is it working?” She folded her arms over her chest so as to say, “Don’t bullshit me.”
“Not really.”
“See? I agree with Dahlia. Fainting at the office yesterday is the unmistakable sign you gotta start taking care of yourself. No more accepting too many projects, even if Joseph insists. It’s not healthy. You’re lucky you came back to your senses before I called nine-one-one, or I would’ve dragged your ass to the hospital, forcing them to inject you with some common sense.”
“Who’s dramatic now?” I teased, grabbing her hand. “Thank you for driving me. I’m sorry I scared you. I’m ready to get my blood work results back, though. My mama says it could be my iron levels. Or stress.”
“I hope it is nothing serious. And I’m being your friend here, offering unsolicited advice. Call him. You’re miserable. How has convincing yourself you’re better off without him working for you so far?”
I shook my head.
“You two have unfinished business. Maybe he’s the one. Or not. But unless you try, how will you know for sure?” I parted my lips, ready to argue, but she continued. “If he’s still in love with you, give him a chance to show you how things could be between you two. What do you have to lose?”
What she said added up. Didn’t mean I was ready or in the right set of mind to listen or agree. “My heart. The one every man I dated in the past stomped on and rolled in the dirt. When I’m with Tuck, it feels real. More real than anything I ever felt before. What if—what if he decides he preferred his old ways? I’ll be the one heartbroken. Again. And I’m done. Done being that girl. The one who falls in love first. Who trusts without a second thought, who devotes herself to a relationship that has no future.”
“Addi—” Becca said, pulling me in her arms.
“Love is messy, but it’s not supposed to wound me so bad. I don’t deserve to be taken advantage of another time.”
“I know. I know,” she said, brushing my hair.
An hour later, I exited the doctor’s office. My head and my heart were blank. Not processing the truth except for one thing.
That sign. I was the one who asked for it. Now destiny, life, or the universe just plastered it on my face so I wouldn’t miss it. Guess the joke was on me now. Or rather, the doctor did. How long could I pretend he was wrong?
“What is it?” my friend asked, rising to her feet as I joined her. My sight was hazy, and my pulse ricocheted. Was my thorax big enough to contain my wild heart? “Addi, are you gonna pass out again? You’re white as a ghost. Do you wanna sit down? What did the doctor say? I should’ve gone in with ya."
She gripped my upper arm and led me to a seat.
“Addison Wilde, talk to me. I’m freaking out if you can’t already tell. Are you dying? Is it serious?”
The thoughts in my head interweaved. My lungs struggled to inflate on their own.
Tremors shook my fingers, and I pushed my hands under my thighs. My tongue darted out to moisten my lips, but it failed. My mouth felt dry as if I’d swallowed sawdust.
“Becca, it’s my blood pressure. It’s serious, but not terminal."
She sighed, relief evident on her features as I spoke further. “Huh, I fainted because it’s too low and I gotta rest more, eat better, get up more slowly. Take vitamins.”
“Oh, so you are iron deficient. Your mama was right. Mothers know best.”
I shook my head and caught her gaze. “No. Becca, it’s not my iron levels.
“No? What is it?”
“I’m…pregnant.”
The ground opened under me as the words left my mouth for the first time. I’d been bawling at the sight of puppies for weeks, and now I had no tears to cry as reality hit me.
My friend brought a hand over her mouth. “Oh. Shit.”
“Yep. Oh shit. Oh fuck. Or any other expression that you deem fine.”
She neared me and wound her arms around my shoulders, bringing me the comfort I had no clue I required, but appreciated.
“Whoa. This is—this is—what are you gonna do?”
I offered her a pointed look.
“You gotta tell him, Addi. My words from earlier have a million times more meaning now.”
“Yep. Let’s say that’s not how I imagined our reunion. I heard what you said. I had this plan. To seduce him all over again. To start afresh. Take my time. Date him. Enjoy us until I had no option of either being all in or out. It sounds silly now. We haven’t talked in two weeks, and now I’m just supposed to announce he’s gonna be a father? Way to kill the mood. Dahlia says he’s not angry with me, but what if he changed his mind?”
“Girl, I’m aware you have a flair for drama, but this isn’t a conversation you should have over the phone. Go to him. Meet him in person. You gotta decide if you wanna be with him. Live with him in every way. It’s not just about you anymore. You guys will be in each other’s lives for the rest of your days.”
I dropped a kiss on my friend’s cheek, the racing thoughts in my head popping all over the place. “Even if I hate to admit it, you are right. See, I can recognize it.” My voice broke as more emotions battled in me and Tucker’s hurt face flashed in my head. “The irony is that I told him I didn’t expect him to change for me. Now he’ll have to because of circumstances. I’ll talk to him, but don’t rush me. Please. I might need a few days to process the news, okay?”
“Sure. Whoa. You’re going to have a baby. Can I be in shock too for a second?”
“Yes. As long as you help me wrap my head around it.” I let out a sarcastic chuckle. “It’s my fault. I asked for a sign—”
“What sign?”
I flicked my wrist. “Never mind. Let’s just tell the universe I got the message. Loud and clear.”
One of my palms lowered protectively over my abdomen. I swallowed the barbs prickling my airways. I couldn’t define how I felt. I had a fetus growing inside me. It all seemed so surreal. So right. And so wrong.
Becca nodded, her hand squeezing mine. “I’ll help you. But then you’ll put your grown-woman’s pants on and face Tucker with the truth. And from what you’ve told me about him, he’ll do the right thing. By you and the baby. Wow, you’re going to be a mama.” Her eyes glazed over. “I’m gonna be an auntie.”
I inhaled a shaky breath. “But the thing is, I don’t want him to feel obligated to move here or to marry me because I’m with his child. One day, he’ll resent me if he’s forced into this life. Or if he has to throw all his dreams and accomplishments away because we’re in this situation together.”
“Addi, you’re asking for nothing. If he changes his lifestyle, it’ll be his decision. Tucker thought you weren’t pregnant and still begged you to stay. He still wanted to marry you.” I gave her stinky eyes. “Okay, that was a bit precipitated, but still. Girl, he showed dedication.”
“Or craziness. Oh god, I’m pregnant. There’s a human being growing inside me. How crazier than that can it get?”
“No overthinking. Don’t push him away because you’re afraid. What if he’s the one you’ve been looking for all along? What if life decided to give you both a push forward in the right direction? It’s not the scenario you had in mind, and it didn’t happen the way you thought it would, but you’re here now and must deal with it. Who knows, maybe that’s exactly what Tucker needs to move on from his old ways once and for all. To free himself from chains and ties he’s already disenchanted with. Have you ever thought about that?”
“Don’t be right. ’Cause it unnerves me when you figure my stuff out before I do.” I poked my tongue out at her, and Becca wrapped me in her arms.
“Yeah, yeah. I love you too. If you love him, give him a chance to prove to you he meant all he said.”
That night, I watched my phone screen for hours, hoping it could ring and the one person I had to talk to would be on the other end of the line. Like he used to be. As if my brain could command some magic if I really put all my psychic abilities into it.
Sitting on the deck curled in the blanket he gifted me—in a way it was like he was there with me—I contemplated my options, addressing the pros and cons on a piece of paper. At one point, the tears that had refused to appear until now drowned my face, the shock fading away. It was a mix of all the emotions rushing inside me. Becca’s wise words replayed in my head. And I reached the same conclusion.
For two days, I paced the apartment like a lioness in a cage. My body got tired, but my brain was restless. I was all over the place. At home. At work. At night. Knowing most of my symptoms were due to the pregnancy and not me going insane without any logical explanation eased my mind. A little.
On Friday morning, my agitated self was desperate to know how Tucker was doing. I grabbed my phone and did the same thing I did every few days.
Me: Hey, it’s me. How are you?
Dahlia: Hey girlfriend. Awesome.
Me: Married life still good on ya?
Dahlia: It’s the best *winking emoji*
I could picture her big smile in my head.
Me: Ready for your honeymoon?
Dahlia: Counting the days. Are you feeling better? What did the doctor say?
Me: Yes. No. Long story. We’ll have to talk about it. Can I call you over the weekend?
Dahlia: I’m free in fifteen minutes if you are too.
Me: Nah, I have a full day.
And I can’t tell anyone before I tell Tucker. But how I wish I could get your advice right now. Having my best friend in my corner would be a relief. She went through this all by herself. She had more insight than I did.
Me: How is he? Is he still in Green Mountain?
Dahlia: Left last night. Said he had things to deal with that couldn’t wait anymore. Have you talked to him?
Me: Not yet. I will. I’m done avoiding him. Gotta go. Love ya xx
Dahlia: Love you too. I’m so happy you’re giving you guys a chance. He’s a keeper. Be safe and call me as soon as you can.
Tucker was back home. For my plan to unfold, he had to be. No way would I have this conversation in front of our friends.
Five days later, after I put my plan into action and made the necessary arrangements, I packed a suitcase and booked the first flight to Chicago.
Doing the right thing started with informing the man I knew, deep in me, I loved and prayed he still loved me back, that we were having a baby together.
I wasn’t ready to jump into a relationship, but I was dedicated to spending time with him and seeing where it’d take us.
Baby steps.
All pun intended.
“Oh Tucker, you’re in for the surprise of your life.”