With my elbows resting on the sticky wooden top of the bar, I swirled my glass and downed my fourth whiskey. Or was it fifth? Maybe. I had stopped counting after two. Drinking had been a rare occurrence in the last few months. Since Addison moved in. In fact, I hadn’t numbed myself since the day she left Green Mountain with my heart months ago.
Nothing in my actual life reflected a hint of my old habits. No more booty calls, late night drinking, or bar hopping on Saturday nights looking for my next fuck. This was the new updated version of my life, the antipode of its previous one.
I wasn’t complaining. I was thriving. I spoke the truth when I told Addison I preferred the life we were building together to my bachelor existence. The only thing I missed was the woman. I had her, but not the way I wanted. Still, she slept in my bed every night, with my arms around her body. No one else. That, in itself, felt pretty damn rewarding, to be the one she shared her daily life with. I had hoped soon enough we’d be more. Much more.
I flicked my hand to catch the bartender’s attention and gestured for another drink.
A surge of all the thoughts I tried to bury with alcohol made its appearance and nagged me. My face descended into my open palms, and I massaged my skull with my fingers.
A hand clapped me from behind. In the past, I would’ve thought it was Nick out looking for me. But he wasn’t in town. The only other person who could find me here was Jace.
“Hey man,” I said, not even turning to acknowledge his presence. “What are you doing here?” I took a sip of the fresh drink laid before me on the bar top.
“People are worried about you.”
I let out a sarcastic laugh. “How did you get mixed up in this? You’ve become the champion at being unavailable since you married that…that…Pam,” I said, choosing to pick my battles.
My friend sat next to me and ordered himself a drink. “Stop blaming me for being happy in my personal life, Tuck. It’s shitty. And juvenile. I love her. Pam. She gets me. And I don’t care if you think she’s a headcase or if you two don’t get along. Sure, I’d like for my friends and my wife to be on good terms, but I’ll choose her all the time. Hold your grudge; it’s fine. Because it’s my life. Not yours. Have you heard me calling your girlfriend nuts or giving her attitude? No. My wife is flawed. We all are. But I’m happy. Just be happy for me. That’s all I’m asking.”
I lifted a hand. “Since you got together with her, you’ve been hurting your best friends, man. Guys like Nick and I who’ve been by your side your entire life. It’s not how brotherhood works.”
He sipped his drink, taking his time to answer. “Tuck, you and Nick aren’t less my friends because you can’t stand my wife. And I’m sorry I missed his bachelor party. And his wedding. It wasn’t what I had planned. Something came up. I’ll make it up to him. You two are my brothers. For life. It’s just not easy to always juggle my time between all of you without getting complaints from one side or the other. But I hear you, and I’ll do better. Maybe not tomorrow, but I will.”
“I’ve missed you, man,” I said, pulling my friend into a hug. “I need you right now. My life is slipping through my fingers.”
Jace hugged me back before he let go of me. “I thought everything was great. Last time you said—”
“Earlier today, it went to hell. Made me question everything. I’m not wired to be a father. I thought I would be at least good at it, not perfect, but manageable, but life proved me wrong. Now I’m not sure where I stand. It all went down so fast. Addison has been telling me we should take things slow. I didn’t agree. But now—now, I think she may have a point. I—”
A soft voice broke through my confessions. I’d recognize this voice amongst thousands. Even though I hadn’t laid eyes on her yet, just the sense of her being there filled me with calmness. And peace. Addison Wilde had that effect on me. I chugged my drink, trying to dissipate the overpowering influence of her sudden appearance.
Jace moved to his feet. “I’ll let you two discuss,” he said, placing a bill on the counter next to his empty tumbler. “Call me if you need anything. And I’ll do my best to be more present. Gimme some time to adjust. And for what it’s worth, I have no doubt you’ll be the best father to your baby. It already suits you. This new role. Don’t lose faith in yourself. You’ve got this. I can tell.”
I nodded, my throat clogged with knots that refused to dissolve. “Thanks,” I croaked before he walked out after exchanging a few words with my woman and making sure she was fine driving me back home later.
Addison took his empty seat and ordered a glass of water. I glanced at her sideways. Her hair was piled at the top of her head, her face bare, and she wore one of my hoodies over a pair of flamingo-patterned pajama-set. She looked adorable and so out of her element in our little corner bar.
The one where my friends and I always came when things got tough and we weren’t in the mood to chat. The last time I was here was when Nick mourned Derek. Over a year and a half ago.
We drank in silence, both of us keeping our gazes trained forward.
“I was worried,” she said after a while. “I’ve been trying to reach you for hours. You missed the doctor’s appointment.”
Reality hit me. Like a slap in the face. “Fuck, Wilde. I’m sorry,” I admitted through a booze-induced numbness. “Jesus, this day is a disaster. I screwed everything up.”
She spun in her seat to watch me. “What do you mean?"
I shook my head with a loud sigh. “I’m not sure I can do this. With you,” I said, my stare darting to her abdomen and shame filling me. “Not sure I possess what it takes to be a daddy. A good daddy.”
Addison blinked. “Whoa. Stop. And rewind. Can you explain yourself? Now. And what made you change your mind? A baby isn’t something we can return to the store because things are not working how we expected them to, Tuck. What does this mean—I’m not sure I can do this? After you promised we’d get through this together, after you asked me to marry you, after you forced me to move in with you, now you’re telling me you’re not fucking sure?”
I shook my head, avoiding her piercing stare, her angry tone poking holes in my heart. “I’ve had the worst afternoon.”
“I’m sure there’s an explanation. A lot can happen in a short amount of time. We’ve already talked about this and agreed it’s okay to be scared. Because I am. And I have no clue what I’m doing either. You said we’d figure it out together. And I believed you.”
“How can you have faith in me?”
“Because I see you. I see every day what you’re made of. What you can achieve, your dedication, how selfless your heart is.”
“Wilde, you’ve only witnessed the good side of me so far.”
“Then show me the bad, and let me decide if I can handle it,” she said. And my feelings for her multiplied when she spoke those words. “Let’s go home, big guy. Then you can tell me all about your day.”
I pushed my half-empty tumbler and motioned to stand, feeling wobbly on my own legs.
“Where’s your phone? I’ve been trying to call you for hours?” she asked, urging me to lean on her for support as we stumbled out of the bar together.
I fished the plastic bag containing raw rice and my ruined device from my jacket pocket and waved it before her puzzled expression.
“It’s a part of my shitty day. I’m sorry I missed the appointment. I was really looking forward to it.” Dampness blurred my vision. “I wanted to be there. I’m sorry I let you down.”
Hauling myself into the passenger seat of my truck, I shut my lids as Addison drove the ten blocks to my building. We made our way to our floor. By then, the liquor I drank, my conflicted emotions, and Addison caring for me had turned me into an emotional volcano about to erupt. Everything I felt dangled at the edge, ready to burst into the open.
As soon as I kicked the front door close, I fell on the floor in a puddle of limbs, exhausted and bearing more mixed feelings than ever before.
Addison made some tea and joined me, sitting beside me, her legs stretched before her, her belly impossible to conceal anymore.
“Drink this,” she ordered in a gentle tone as I accepted the cup she placed between my hands.
We remained silent. The air thickened around us.
“What if I’m genetically programed to be like my mother? A lousy parent? How do I know I haven’t inherited her selfish ways?”
“Tuck, you’re nothing like her. You’re good to me. To us.” Her thumb indicated her burgeoning stomach. “Our story isn’t your parents’. It’s ours. And we can write it how we wish to. There’s no rules, no limits. Whatever happened before doesn’t define us and has nothing to do with us.”
“Today was a test. And I fucking failed. Even I would be afraid of my parental abilities."
Her arms wrapped around my biceps, and she rested her cheek on my shoulder. “Tell me all about it. I’ll judge for myself.”
Moisture hung to my lower eyelashes, and this time, I didn’t blink it away. “You’ll throw my sorry ass away. Today, I got checkmated by a two-year-old.”
She said nothing as I recalled my afternoon.
“When I got to the office to drop those documents, I had to consult with Smith about a client, but he was on an important phone call. His wife came with their son, you know, Theo. You met them at the picnic.” She nodded. “Well, Theo’s nanny was sick, and Lacy was dropping him at the office because she had a meeting herself. The three of us have known each other since college, so she didn’t hesitate to entrust me with her son when I offered to watch him until his dad freed himself. Anyhow, Lacy handed me Theo and a diaper bag and told me it would be good practice before our baby’s birth, then hurried away. With no other instructions.”
I scratched the top of my head. My memories were a bit blurry, considering the amount of alcohol I’d consumed.
“It started great. I was confident in my abilities. I’ve watched Jack in the past, so I thought I knew what I was doing. We sat in an empty office with his toy cars. But Beverly, the secretary, walked in and didn’t close the door after her. I was rummaging through my bag to find the document she was asking for when I spotted Theo running toward freedom through the opening. And let me tell you, two-year-olds are freaking fast. By the time I started chasing after him, he thought this was a game and ran straight into Brittany’s empty chair that bumped into her desk and sent her fresh extra-large mug of coffee flying all over her desk, soaking piles of documents and her keyboard. I caught the kid and gathered paper towels to wipe the damages the best I could, seating him on that evil chair. Next thing I knew, he was unsteady on his feet, standing on that stupid piece of furniture and dropped my phone. Which, for the records, up to this moment, I still have no idea how he got. It landed into the turtle desktop pond Brittany keeps on her desk, splashing water all around and creating a second mess.”
Addison gasped. “Oh, that explains the rice.”
I grumbled and continued. “The tiny devil was driving me nuts, but I ended up taking control of the disastrous situation. We were back in peaceful territories. Until I learned the coffee slash turtle-pond clusterfuck had short-circuited something under Brittany’s desk and the entire office ended up with an internet outage. It crashed the presentation with investors from Japan in the conference room and the entire phone system.”
“Oh,” Addison said.
“Yep. Thirty minutes with a toddler. And that’s how it turned out.” I felt like a failure. And the idea I’d be like my mother had been haunting me since, weighing heavy on my upper back. And crashing my hopes about this whole paternity adventure I was about to jump into and never questioned until today.
“Explain me how is it is linked to what your mother did? I can’t see how they’re related.”
“Addison, I gave up. This was too much. I saw red. The whole office went nuts and instead of helping out or making sure Theo was safe, I handed him to Brittany. Without a second thought. And I walked away. I just left. Not a care in the world if the kid was okay or if Brittany could take care of him. Lacy trusted me with her son. I failed her too. What if I fail you? Or get overwhelmed and just dropped our baby to the next available stranger because I can’t deal with something?”
“Tuck, listen to me. It’s just one day. One episode in your life. It doesn’t define who you are and your abilities as a father. You should learn from today, not draw a conclusion on your fatherhood aptitudes.”
The tears I’d been reeling in now leaked freely.
“That’s the thing, Wilde. I’m not sure I can do this. I’m not sure I’ll be any great. Or that I’m what our baby and you need. What if I’m such a failure I put his life in danger? Or I fail you both. I would never forgive myself.”
Doubts crawled along my spine.
“You’re not alone. We’re a team. You think you’re the first parent asking himself if he’s good enough for the job? Wondering if he’ll get through this? That’s why there are two of us. So, we can take the lead when the other is down. Or when we have no idea how to proceed.”
Desperate for her proximity, her heat, and her love, I grabbed Addison by the nape and pushed my forehead against her. Nothing I did or said helped to keep the tears I’d been holding in at bay. In a way, it felt liberating to just let them out. Draining my sorrows and insecurities away.
“The first time I babysat Jack, I put his diaper all wrong. And it made a—you can only understand if you were there. Little babies are cute and look innocent, but they can cause devastation, I’m telling you. Anyway, thinking it was just a mishap, I bathed him, changed him, and cleaned everything. Only to start over again later because I had no idea that his penis should be pointing south, and things got chaotic a second time. By that point, my clothes were ruined, and I smelled like baby pee. And last year, when Dahlia and Nick went to Carter’s concert, the one you bought him tickets for, that evening, I babysat Jack again. He fell and bumped his head. You should have seen the bruise on his forehead. Quite impressive.”
She cupped her heart at the memory.
“It was just a bump. Nothing serious. And I could’ve just decided there that I wasn’t fit to be a mother. Or his aunt. But I didn’t. Those things happen. With kids, they always do. Dahlia taught me that. One day, ask her about the stories when she was a single parent at twenty. Things weren’t easy for her. And she had the means to afford a nanny and anything the baby needed. Yet, it turned out to be a challenge. No parent is immune to this.”
“I hear you. What if I’m the exception to this rule? I’ve only been taking care of myself in the past. I’ve never been in charge of another human being’s life.”
Addison shook her head. “You won’t be. We’ve been living together for months. And I’ve witnessed you interacting with Jack. The boy loves you. I’m his Addidi, but you’re his Uncle Tuck. Children are perceptive. If you were bad news, he wouldn’t want to be around you and follow you everywhere. Or pretend to call you on the phone when you’re not there. Your connection with him is real. It will be stronger with your own blood. It already is.”
Her lips brushed mine in a featherlight kiss.
“Let’s get you to bed, big guy. Sleep on it. Tomorrow will be better. And I’ll hold your hand. Every step of the way.”
My brain went blank as my woman took it upon herself to undress me, removing my shoes and helping me out of my trousers. She peeled my shirt from my torso after unbuttoning it, her hands caressing my bare skin. Shivers zigzagged in me. A new layer of comfort descended upon us.
Once in bed, she positioned my head on the ridge between the curve of her breasts and her belly, combing my hair back with her fingers.
“Don’t shut me out again. We’re in this together. I wanna be there for you when you have doubts. And I want you to be there for me when I’m the one who’s unsure about everything.”
The beating of her heart combined with her soft breaths acted like a lullaby, and I fell into a deep slumber.
The next morning, when I cracked my lids open, I watched Addison getting dressed for work. Fragments of last night’s meltdown flashed before my eyes.
“Hey. How are you feeling this morning?” she asked.
“Fine. How bad was it last night?”
Wearing only a bra and a pair of maternity jeans, she slid herself into my arms. “Nothing we can’t overcome.”
“Again, I’m sorry I missed the appointment. I’m not like that usually. I’m the guy you can count on."
She traced my pectoral muscle with her finger. “I’m aware. We’re allowed a slip-up here and there.”
“Still.”
“I never doubted you. Let’s get you hydrated before I gotta leave.”
“Did my mind play tricks on me, or did you really pick me up in a bar dressed in night clothes yesterday?”
A heartwarming laugh crossed her lips. “I did. For you, I would do it again. And even go naked. You really scared me. I thought something happened. An accident. Or—"
“I’m sorry. That kid. It just brought back bad memories. And doubts I’ve been trying to avoid dealing with.”
“When something bothers you, promise me you’ll come to me. And if it’s that bad, I’ll pour the drink myself. Deal?”
She looked at me with a mix of warmth and patience, and something potent I could get addicted to.
“Deal,” I echoed, my lips tasting hers before I pushed back, concluding I probably had alcohol-tinged morning breath.
Addison found my eyes. “Tell me the truth. Are you okay?"
“I will be.”
“Awesome, because I have a surprise, and I think you’ll like it.”
I arched one brow.
“I couldn’t get myself into having the sonogram yesterday. You weren’t there, and it felt wrong to enliven the experience on my own. If you’re free during lunchtime, the doctor said he could squeeze us in. What do you say?”
I blinked.
“For real? You did that?”
“Yep. I’m a pretty amazing partner, no?”
I locked my arms around her. “You’re an amazing woman, sweetheart. And thank you for rescuing my sorry ass last night. I’m sorry I worried you.”
I kissed her again, but she pushed me back. “Teeth. And a shower.”
Laughter bubbled out. And it felt good to just share my life with her.
“Wait for me, Wilde. I’ll be right back. Don’t go yet. I’ll drive you to work.”
“Hurry, big guy. I’m not going anywhere without you.”
A couple of days later, I left early to run some errands while Addison was still asleep. On my way home, I picked a bouquet of white roses, Thai food, and a maternity C-shaped pillow. A co-worker had recommended it, and I believed Addison would love some additional comfort while sleeping or just relaxing.
With excitement pouring out from me, I entered my condo, ready to surprise the woman I loved, but halted at the sounds coming from the bedroom.
I swore they felt to be sobs, but maybe Addison was watching some TV or that she was sleeping and those were snores.
Setting my purchases on the kitchen island, I tiptoed to the bedroom. Now I had no more doubts. She was crying.
I knocked on the door. “Hey sweetheart, it’s me. Can I come in?”
She mumbled something I interpreted as a yes.
The sight before my eyes broke me apart. It fractured a slice of my heart.
Addison sat on the floor in one of my T-shirts that hugged all her pregnancy curves. She had mountains of discarded clothes and used tissues scattered around her.
I pulled her into my arms. “What happened? Did someone try to raid your side of the closet?” I asked, trying to infuse some humor into my words.
I handed her a tissue that looked clean, and she blew her nose before answering me. “Nothing fits anymore. I have nothing to wear except your clothes. How am I supposed to go to my book club meeting tonight if I can’t get dressed?”
“For the records, you look beautiful as is. And fucking hot in my shirts.” She offered me a death stare, and I lifted my hands before me. “Just saying. How about that dress we got last month?”
“Too small.”
“And that new pair of jeans you like so much?”
“Don’t fit into them anymore. I’m telling you, I got bigger in the last twenty-four hours.”
“Let’s be real then. Living naked has its benefits.” I jumped to my feet, undid my tie, and proceeded to remove every single piece of clothing from my body until I only had boxer briefs on.
Addison let out a warm chuckle as I sat back down next to her. “Tuck, don’t be silly.”
“I’m not. You go naked, I go naked. Unless we go shopping. Your call."
She shook her head, that smile now anchored to her face. “You’d walk around stripped to the boxers with me if I ask you to?”
“Always. We’re in this together.”
“Ohmygod, we’re so weird.”
I turned until my palms cradled her face and my thumbs could erase the last drops of moisture from her eyes. My lips descended on hers. “You’re stuck with me. So what will it be? Shopping spree, running around town naked, or wearing my stuff from now on?”
“Perhaps I’m being a bit overdramatic. Before we go to buy a new wardrobe, I’m sure I can find something that still fits for tonight. I just really wanted to wear that dress. And I got upset.” She motioned around the bedroom with one hand. “And then this happened."
“How long have you been here, on the floor, in this state?” I asked.
“Over an hour. I tried calling Dahlia, but she didn’t answer. I got really sad. Like really, really sad.”
“Wilde, next time you call me, okay? You’re the one person I would answer the call even if I was being tortured or was drowning in the middle of the Pacific.”
“You better save yourself first. Then answer my call.” I kissed the tip of her nose and she grimaced. “I’m serious.”
“I know you are. Come on, let’s sort this out. I’ll help you. But first I got you something.”
“Did I forget an anniversary or a birthday? I’m telling ya, mommy brain is a real thing. Those women claiming they can’t think clearly when they’re pregnant aren’t joking. My head is filled with jelly most days. My thoughts are enveloped with fog.”
“You forgot nothing. Since you’re the one pregnant, you deserve some pampering.” I shrugged. “And nights of good rest.”
Holding her hand in mine, I led her to the kitchen.
Addison’s eyes took in the pillow and flowers. “For me?”
“No one else.”
She hugged the pillow to her heart. “I heard about this. Supposed to be amazing.”
“That’s what I heard too.”
“Tuck, you’re the best.” Her eyes filled up with a fresh batch of tears.
“Hey, if you don’t like the color, we can go to the store and exchange it.”
Her crying resumed. “It’s not that. Damn hormones. I’m happy. I swear. See? I can’t even be thankful without shedding tears anymore.”
I pulled her into my arms and kissed her lips. My hand entangled in her hair. “I’m not scared by the hormonal version of you.” I grabbed a handful of her ass cheek, and she ground her hips to mine. “Here. Being hormonal can be a big turn on too.”
“Pervert,” she whispered against my lips.
“Only with you. When is that book club meeting?”
“Seven tonight.”
“Then let’s go. We’ll go for a walk and grab food on the go. Fresh air and sunshine will do both of you good.”
“What about the food you brought over?”
I shrugged. “We’ll put it in the refrigerator. It can wait.”
“Tuck?”
“Yes,” I said.
“Thank you. We’re good together.”
My lips connected to her forehead. “I know.”
Addison got ready, and I studied her from a distance. I didn’t like seeing her so distraught. It occurred more frequently these days. Her glossy eyes and the firmness of her lips were undeniable signs that whatever troubled her before wasn’t quite resolved.
Our eyes glued together, and she mirrored my smile. We’d be okay. Or I prayed we would.