I drove us back home and put Addison to bed before feeding a hungry Jamieson. With him strapped to my chest in one of those baby wraps, I cleaned the kitchen and set myself behind my laptop, working on the secret project I’d been keeping from my wife for the last few months. Something for her. For the three of us. I had no idea if she’d like it, but my instinct told me she would. And with everything going on right now, we all needed an escape. A place in this world to call ours.
While I lost myself in work, it prevented my mind from worrying about how my life had taken a turn for the worse in the last few weeks. Our fairytale came with a sour aftertaste. My son snored against my torso, and I relished the sensation of our bodies connecting and comforting each other. In the last month, he had become my anchor. My rock. The one thing keeping me sane.
Right now, my baby required my love and care more than ever, his mother unable to provide for him the way she should be. And I wasn’t even mad at her for zoning out, too worried about her mental and physical health. Always questioning myself every second of every day, wondering how to find a way to reach her, to help her, to heal whatever it was that made her refuse to give Jamieson the attention he deserved.
But the weight of all of it had grown heavy on me.
I pinched the bridge of my nose, fighting to keep my breathing steady, a truckload of emotions whirling inside me.
But I couldn’t lose it. Jamieson and Addison both required my support. My unconditional dedication. I just never imagined doing this parenting thing all by myself. Sleep had become a luxury I couldn’t afford. Between work and taking care of the people I loved the most and everything around the house, I could barely hold it all together.
When I talked to Addison’s doctor earlier, he said something about depression. Could that be it?
My heart sunk low in my chest as I grabbed a framed picture of us on our wedding day. My wife looked so beautiful in her long white dress, cradling her huge belly, her hair curled, and her smile genuine. The sparks in her eyes didn’t lie.
How did she go from being radiant and full of hope to being sad, disconnected, and miserable?
How did all the zest for life illuminating her gaze transform into empty abysses?
My finger traced her silhouette.
“Whatever it is, sweetheart, we’ll find a way back to you.”
I turned the frame over and read the words she wrote there, the ones I knew by heart.
To my husband
This last year has been a rollercoaster I never saw coming, but I wouldn’t change the ride because it brought me to you. And you’re everything I’ve ever wished for.
I’m sorry I’ve been stubborn for the longest time, but now I’m certain that I wanna spend the rest of my life with you.
We never do anything in order, but that’s what makes up so perfect for each other.
I love you now and for the rest of my life. And I can’t wait for us to be a family of three.
Your one and only sweetheart, A. xx
I reread it a few times, a smile etching on my lips and tears burning the back of my eyes.
With a protective palm caressing my son’s back, I dialed my best friend.
“Hey man, how is it going?” he asked when he picked up.
The emotions balled in my throat, blocking my airways.
“Is it Tuck?” Dahlia asked. “Put him on speakerphone. Or better, ask him to switch to video chat. I wanna see my nephew.”
I said nothing, fighting to keep my tears at bay as an incoming notification for a video chat filled the screen of my device.
“Hey guys,” I said, plastering what I hoped would resemble a sign of happiness on my lips. “How is it going?”
“Oh, he’s sleeping,” Dahlia cooed. “He’s so tiny. How did I forget Jack was that small once? Oh god, they grow up so fast.”
My smile reached one side of my mouth, and I rubbed the column of my throat, trying to ease the commotion storming inside me.
“Yeah. So small.”
I glanced at my best friend, and he watched me with a wrinkle across his forehead.
“Tuck, don’t bullshit me. I know the look. Something’s happened. What is it? If it has anything to do with your secret project, I went there two days ago. It looks amazing. It should be done by the end of the month. My guys are doing great work. We should pay a visit together soon. A boys’ road trip. With our sons. Wow, I love the sound of it. Both of us dads now. Who would have thought? Anyway, it’s been a long time since we did something together.”
I mustered another smile, the words stuck in my throat. I liked his idea, but for some reason, it made me wanna curl into a corner and bawl my eyes out. Not the answer he was expecting.
“Fuck, it’s not that,” Nick said, question marks in his eyes.
His wife backhanded his chest. “Careful, tiny ears close by."
“Sorry, Jamieson,” my friend said. His focus returned to mine. “Do I need to fly to Chicago to get it out of you, or are you gonna tell me what’s wrong? You look defeated. Stained and wrinkled clothes. I know for a fact something is wrong.”
I didn’t want to complain, to draw my friends into this, but I had exhausted all my resources, and I was tired. And I had to confide in someone. Or I’d burst at the seams.
In a way, I had Addison to thank. In all the months we’d been living together, she showed me I could let go, that a schedule could be modified, and rules could be bent. And that a shirt that wasn’t pressed or a pair of paint-stained jeans were not the end of the world. I was grateful she did, or I’d never survive this chaos right now. I sometimes felt that unconsciously she knew this would happen and that she had prepared me.
“It’s Addi,” Dahlia stated, more like a fact than a question.
Moisture rose in my vision, and I nodded, unable to keep my suffering to myself any longer.
“Tucker,” Dahlia said, her voice gentle and comforting. Fuck, I missed comfort. And love.
“She ran away earlier. It’s bad.” My voice cracked. “Very bad. And I have no idea what I should do.”
“What happened? I was going to call her tomorrow because she’s been vague every time we talked. And she’s always too tired or out of it to chat. And it doesn’t sound like her.”
For the next twenty minutes, I filled my friends with everything from the moment we came home after we left the hospital to when Addison cut me and everyone else out.
“She hasn’t stepped in the nursery once. She never holds him, never kisses him, or even looks at him."
Dahlia’s hands flew to her mouth. “Geez, I had no idea it was that bad. I thought she just required some time to get used to her new role. I’m so sorry, Tuck. What can we do?”
I traced my eyebrow with a finger. “If only I knew. I booked her a day at the spa tomorrow and an appointment with her doctor next week. Now I’m afraid each time she goes out, she may not come back. That she’ll abandon us.” I coughed, doing my best to clear my clogged throat. “She wants nothing to do with everything. With either of us. I’m not complaining, but I barely sleep, and I can’t think straight. It’s just too much. What am I supposed to do? Force her to be a mother when she clearly doesn’t wanna be? Or let her be and cross my fingers, hoping she’ll grow out of it? That it’s just a phase?”
“Man, you should have called us sooner. We’re not doctors or shrinks, but we could’ve given you a hand. Don’t shut us out when it gets too tough,” Nick said.
“Thank you, guys. But you already have your hands full with two businesses and Jack. You don’t need my shit piled on top of it.”
I sighed and kissed Jamieson’s head as he squirmed against me. He opened his eyes, stared at me, and a new wave of warmth filled my chest. Releasing him from the wrap, I held him over my forearm so he could face my friends.
“Oh, he’s getting cuter by the day,” Dahlia said.
A genuine grin stretched my lips now.
“I know it’s hard, but you’re doing it right, Tuck. I can tell.”
New tears blurred my vision on hearing her words.
“Thanks,” I croaked. “It means a lot."
“Saturday morning, we’ll be there. Let us help you out,” Nick said.
I nodded. The thought of having support sounded great right now.
“Let me make a few phone calls. One of my employees told me once she had dealt with post-partum depression during her last pregnancy. I have no idea if this could be it, but I’ll ask questions. Talk to my doctor. See what I can learn. With Addi’s family history, we can’t rule out the possibility.” She relaxed her shoulders. “I’m sorry it’s happening to you two. But I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation. Addi would never abandon you or push her own son away if everything was all right with her. This I know for sure. Can you hold the fort till Saturday?”
I bowed my head. “Yes. What else can I do, anyway?” I breathed out. “Her doctor said something about being depressed too. I have no idea what to make of it.”
“Gimme a day. And for what it’s worth, Addi is lucky to have you, Tuck. You’re a pillar in her life. I know it doesn’t excuse or fix anything, but I wouldn’t want anyone else caring for my best friend. I trust ya."
I swallowed hard.
“Thank you, Dah. I shouldn’t say those words to my best friend’s wife, but I love you. Your heart is pure and precious. Wilde is lucky to have you in her corner too.”
I closed my eyes and pressed my lids with my thumb and forefinger, trying to dissipate the ache in my heart. Dahlia’s words replayed, and I stared at her.
“Dah, what did you mean earlier when you said with her family history? I’m desperate for answers. If you know something I don’t, please share. I’m at my wit’s end.”
“Listen, if she hasn’t told you about her daddy, it’s not my place to tell, but I’ll say this. After her last breakup, Addi has been worried about her mental health. It has never happened before. But she was down, then she got pregnant, and it explained most of her symptoms, so she filed it under hormonal changes."
“I don’t understand. What does that even mean? How bad is it?”
“Tuck, depression runs in her family.”
I stopped breathing. “I had no idea. She never said anything. She’s usually always so cheerful and bubbly.”
“I know. Let’s not jump to conclusions just yet. It might be something else. I’ll make those phone calls tomorrow and keep you informed."
“Thanks."
We hung up, Jamieson now fussy in my arms. My heart broke into a million pieces at the thought that my wife was suffering, and I had no clue how bad it was.
After I bathed Jamieson and changed him into fluffy pjs, I searched the chest of drawers in his room for a pacifier. I couldn’t find the one he usually had. It probably had fallen in the car earlier when we went to get Addison, and with the downpour outside, I had no intention of getting it right now. I was sure she bought a few when we went shopping days before his birth.
I grabbed a basket full of baby stuff from a shelf in his closet when I discovered a white box. On the lid was written in gold letters which I recognized as Addison’s artsy handwriting: Baby, I love you to the moon and back.
Curious, I lifted the lid and found a book lying inside. With care, as if it could detonate at any moment, I placed it on top of the changing table.
Jamieson had fallen asleep in my arms, and I switched him to my left side as I flipped the pages quickly, my heart pounding in my chest. My breathing whistled. I felt dizzy and held myself up against the piece of furniture. Why didn’t I know about the existence of this book before? How did Addison forget to mention it? With Jamieson now securely pressed against my chest, I stepped back and hit a hard surface, then slid my tall self down the wall until my ass hit the floor.
The title, made of cardboard square tied to the front page with safety pins, read: How I Fell in Love with your Daddy.
One by one, starting from the beginning, I turned the pages, my focus on all the words and objects my wife had attached to them.
I used my shoulder to wipe the tears rushing to my eyes. “Baby, mommy loves you so much. You have no idea.”
I read the message she wrote on the inside cover.
Dear baby,
I’ve been making this as a storybook to gift you the day you are old enough to hear our story. It depicts every moment when I fell more and more in love with your daddy. It’s full of keepsakes, memories, little things that make our love story as incredible as it is today.
Tears ran freely down my cheeks now, and I pressed my son’s sleeping body against my heart as I continued reading.
Each page had a handwritten note with an item attached next to it, the first one being the hotel keycard from the night of Nick and Dahlia’s bachelor-bachelorette party in Nashville. The one I thought I threw away with my ripped shirt that night.
This is the hotel card from the weekend your daddy and I met. He looked so handsome, dressed in one of those suits he wore all the time, with a glint in his eyes every time our gazes met. From the time I first laid eyes on him, I couldn’t look elsewhere. He was all I could see. Back then, he thought he’d lost his keycard and invited himself into my room. When we came back to this hotel, it was late, and I had forgotten I had put it in my purse. But now I know this was the best thing I ever did. Because that night cemented something between us.
This is one of the buttons of the shirt your father tore when he climbed that fence after I made us late for the night events. He was upset and annoyed by me, I could tell, but even then, I was mesmerized by him. And when he wore that groom T-shirt, the one I designed, way too small from him, my heart became beyond excited that he would trust me. That he would follow my lead. And at that moment, I fell for him for the first time. Then later in the night, he sang to me (see lyrics of our song on the next page), and I knew my heart was in trouble. He’d stolen a big chunk of it. Because even if we were just supposed to pretend to be in love, the chemistry between us couldn’t be faked. To everyone else, it was, but I knew better. That kiss was as real as it could get. And I fell for him a second time.
This is the speech I wrote for Dahlia at her bachelorette party. My head was all over the place, and I forgot to write it. Your daddy, even though he barely knew me, read me like an open book. He figured me out when I had the hardest time doing so myself. He came to my room, sat with me, and didn’t leave until I was done with my speech and was happy about it. He believed in me for the first time. And to this day, it still means a lot to me. And my heart. Your daddy is a special kind of man. And when he loves, he loves hard. And he’s my favorite person in this world. Along with you.
I kept reading, my lips pressing against the top of our baby boy’s head.
This is the menu of Cosmos. One day, I was feeling off. I was so tired all the time and had no idea I was pregnant. Your daddy flew in for a few hours, just to take me out on a date to this amazing restaurant and cheer me up. We traversed the city on scooters afterward, and up to now, it’s still one of the best nights of my life. And I fell for him a little more with every passing hour we spent together. I never told anyone, but when he walked away that night, I felt sad. Our relationship made no sense, and we didn’t tell anyone, but our friendship was everything to me. It still is. Falling in love with your best friend is something quite amazing.
Those are my plane tickets from the time I surprised your father in Chicago. I landed there with only a suitcase and no plans except to see him and ended up spending the weekend with him at his place. We chatted for hours, and he opened his heart to me for the first time. He brought me to his special place on the rooftop of his building. When I returned home, I cried for hours, missing him from the moment we separated at the airport. Back then, I wished my heart wouldn’t feel so much when it came to Tucker Philips because I was scared of love. Of being heartbroken. But I couldn’t help it. I fell in love with your daddy all over again. Even though it made no sense to me.
This is the invite to Dahlia and Nick’s wedding, where your daddy was not only the best man (I was the maid of honor), but also my plus-one. In all honesty, I would’ve been so crestfallen if he had invited any other woman to go with him that day. I was an emotional mess. I was pregnant and had no clue. Those hormones are quite something, I’m telling ya. Your daddy worried about me. He cared for me. Held me when I cried and brushed my hair when I slept in his lap. It was also the weekend when he told me he loved me for the first time. I told him he was crazy because I didn’t want to acknowledge my growing feelings toward him. And yes, I was falling for him a lot more than I should have.
This is the bus ticket that drove me out of Green Mountain the same weekend. When I broke your daddy’s heart for the first time. Because I ran away (I’m telling you the truth because you deserve it). I thought I wasn’t pregnant and decided to put some distance between us to assess our growing feelings. I felt it would do us good. That weekend, your daddy opened his heart to me, selflessly and completely. I already knew I loved him, but I tried to avoid taking spur-of-the-moment decisions to avert another broken heart. If there’s one thing I regret doing in my life, it is not listening to my heart sooner. I remember being so miserable without him. You were the sign I prayed for. The one that would lead me back to him and prove we belonged together.
This is the first picture I have of you. It’s a sonogram from the day I learned I was really pregnant with you. The day my life took a turn for the better. I should’ve been freaked out, but I wasn’t. The only things I feared was your daddy’s reaction. Not that I ever believed he’d be mad or anything. But I worried I would be too late and that he would’ve forgotten all about me. But after a few days, I went to him, and we reunited. And from the moment he learned about you, he’s been nothing but loving and supportive. He never left our sides. We moved in together and learned to be a couple. We solidified our relationship, getting ready to welcome you. You’re lucky; I hope you realize it. Your daddy is the greatest man I know. He’s fearless, resilient, strong, and generous. And I fell in love with him all over again when he carried me in the rain, refusing to be separated from me ever again.
At this point, I couldn’t see through my tears, my vision blurry and my shoulders heaving. “See, Jamieson, you’ve got yourself an incredible mama. I know things are hard right now for all of us, but hang on with me for just a little longer. She’ll come back to you. She’ll come back to us. I believe it. Because this woman, she’s unable to not love with all her heart. In the meantime, let’s stick together, okay? And help her get through this. I’m sorry for everything. But I’m here and not going anywhere. It’s you and me against the world. And I’ll fight for you forever.”
I buried my face in his mass of dark baby hair, relishing the scent of his honey and lemon shampoo, reminding me of the one his mother used.
With my little boy in my arms, I spent a few hours on the floor of the nursery, my legs bent and my heart heavy. Until my lids weighed too much and it pained me to keep them open. After I laid him in his crib, I went to my room, undressed, and slipped under the covers, wrapping my arms around my wife’s waist, craving her warmth and the beating of her heart.
“I love you, Wilde. Never forget it. When you are ready, I’ll be here. I waited for you once, and I’ll wait for you all over again. Because what we have can’t be explained. It’s stronger than love. It’s a bond from the core. It’s fireworks. Get better, okay? Jamieson and I, we need you. We always will. Fight for us too.”
I sealed my lids to prevent a fresh batch of tears from drenching my face and dozed off in no time, hoping Addison and I would meet in our dreams. And we could be happy there, at least for the time being.