Dahlia knocked on my bedroom door after arriving less than ten minutes ago. I didn’t know Nick and she were flying here. Tucker hadn’t said anything. Was it meant to be a surprise? I didn’t feel good enough to dress up and be social, so I had shut myself in our room, avoiding our guests when I spotted them in the entryway.
“Hey girlfriend, can I come in?” she asked.
“Sure.” I smoothed the fabric of my shirt to flatten the wrinkles and adjusted the covers around me. I shut my eyes, probably looking so out of it right now.
Two days ago, I spent a few hours at the spa, at my husband’s request. I left after the massage, not in the mood to be around people any longer.
Yesterday, I barely got out of bed, too tired to stand up or eat food. Tucker ordered in dinner, and I slept next to him on the couch after I gulped a few bites of orange-glazed chicken and rice, which used to be my favorite. Not anymore. It just tasted blah nowadays.
He had kissed me when we finally made it to bed, and for a moment, my body recognized him, and I lost myself in the comfort he brought me. He whispered to me how much he loved me. It had been weeks since we had gotten any sort of intimacy, and for once, his touch didn’t repulse me. It actually felt good to be in his arms.
Dahlia sat on the bed beside me, her legs stretched forward, and her back pressed against the headboard. She intertwined her fingers through mine. “How is it going?” she asked.
I shrugged. “Okay.”
She draped an arm around my shoulder and pulled me to her. “No need to pretend. It’s me. You’ve seen me at my worst.”
My breath hitched in my lungs. My head spun.
“I’m numb, Dah. I’m not even sure I love Tucker anymore.” My heart hurt so bad as I said it out loud. “He’s been nothing but incredible, but it just feels wrong being with him, you know. Like he says nice things to me and I can’t even return them. And when I do, it’s like I’ve rehearsed it, and it doesn’t sound genuine.”
“What about Jamieson?”
I scratched my temple. “Same with the baby.”
“Your son.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
“Do you recall Jeff after he returned from war? You were away in college by then, but you visited, and we talked almost every night.”
“It seems like a lifetime ago.”
“Yep, it does. Do you remember how he was back then? How he had changed?"
I nodded.
“He was lost. And sad. And couldn’t figure out how to get better. He had become an agitated and angry version of himself. War had fucked with his mind. He saw images in his head, images that he couldn’t get rid of. And he never told me what they were about, but I had a pretty good idea. Anyway, for a while, I lost him. It got so bad I refused to let him join me on that second world tour.”
She paused, and I was well aware she didn’t like revisiting those painful memories of her past.
“I remember.”
“Anyway, back then, he didn’t confide in me. Yelled at Carter. Pushed all of us away, his pain overtaking every aspect of his life, destroying every good thing he had going for him. And that’s when our lives turned chaotic. He fucked up. I did too. Because we couldn’t find a way to communicate, to be there for each other. We were kids, for god’s sake. I was nineteen. I made bad choices. All I’m saying is that he needed help, and for the longest time, he battled against the idea. Until he decided he wanted to get better. To feel better. To regain the control of his own life, of his own mind. Until he decided fighting for himself, and for us, was worth more than his ego.”
Mixed emotions rose inside me. Dahlia’s story got to me. I had been a witness to Jeff’s life turning hell. And all the hurt he caused around him due to something he had no control over.
“What if nobody can help me, Dah? I miss my old self. Everyday. But she vanished. I can’t find her. But it’s just a few bad days, right? It will get better.”
“I’m no doctor, and I don’t pretend to be one, but Tucker and I, we talked. I won’t hide the truth from you. He’s desperate, Addi. He’s not doing so great either. He’s sad and tired and so worried about you. And before you get mad, he never asked me to come over to talk to ya. He didn’t even tell me you were struggling. He tried to deal with all of it on his own. But it’s too much. You guys have a newborn to care for. And I did my research. Talked to people. Do you know anything about postpartum depression?”
I shrugged. “Not really.”
“It’s more common than we think. It affects women after they give birth. And there are people trained to help you with whatever issues you’re dealing with. They can advise you, give you cues and tips on how to overcome the bumps on your road. To heal and get better. We’re not in the fifties when it was a shame to be honest about mental health struggle. Society has come a long way since then. It’s valued now to be honest, to admit when we’re down. There’s a center an hour’s drive from here. Came highly recommended.”
I forced the next words out. “Do you think it’s because of him? Of his genetics?”
“Your daddy?”
“Yes. I have no memories of him at his lowest point. But I’ve heard the stories.”
“I don’t know. Whatever it is, we won’t let anything bad happen to you. You’re not alone, girlfriend. We’ll help you to figure out whatever is afflicting your mind.”
“Dah, I’m not crazy.”
“Nobody said you were. And you’re not. But you and I, we’ve never shied from the truth either. And you gotta get help, Addi. I think it really could be postpartum depression. Or something else. I won’t speculate. In any case, you won’t heal magically without outside support and medical care. And it’s not your fault. Nothing to do with you. Just bad luck. Some chemical imbalance in your brain or stuff like that. Perhaps genes are to blame. Perhaps they’re not."
Dahlia putting my feelings to words brought hot tears to my eyes. Maybe I wasn’t going nuts after all. Maybe there existed some explanation for how I felt inside. Could it be something that could be cured? Using the back of my hand, I wiped my teary cheeks, the void in me not feeling so bottomless anymore.
“I’m not crazy, I swear. Do you think they can fix me? Find out why I’m so detached from everything? And so tired all the time?”
Dahlia wrapped both arms around my heaving shoulders, combing my hair away from my face. “Yes. Many women go through this. You’re not alone. And I’m here. Tuck is here. We love you so much, and all we wish is for you is to get better.”
“It’s easy for all of you to say. None of you pushed an almost ten-pound baby out of their vagina a month ago.”
“No, I didn’t. You’re right. But I’m a mother too. And I know how overwhelming it can be at the time. And how sleeping two-hour shifts is hard on your mood and your sanity. But Tuck said you voiced not loving Jamieson. And that’s the part that worries me the most, to be honest. Sleep-deprived, normal. Anxiety to do everything right, normal. Mood swings due to shifting hormone levels, normal. Not liking your baby, not normal. Preferring to plan happy-hours with coworkers than feeding your newborn, not normal. Do you see the difference? And I’m not saying the words so you feel ashamed. I’m saying it so you realize something is wrong and you gotta address it."
I let out a sarcastic laugh. “When you put it this way, I sound like a monster.”
“I promise you’re not.”
“You really think they can help me?”
She nodded. “Try this facility. You can enter their one-month program. See how it goes. Just step away for a moment, assess the situation, and see if their therapy and methods are helping you. And if you feel more like yourself afterward.”
“Did Tucker put you up to it? Because he’s upset about being a full-time parent?”
“Nah. He’s just concerned. He loves you. Nick and I called the other night, and he cracked when we started asking questions. He feared it was something he did. Something he said. Or that he didn’t do enough.”
“I really am a bad person. I…we...”
“Just focus on yourself for now. I’ll help him out, okay? Nick and I will be there for your men. As much as possible. And for you too. You’ll see; it’ll improve. Give it time. Don’t push yourself too hard. The brain is a complex structure, and too many hormones and lack of sleep would do that to you. Now breathe, and let me know if you’d like me to drive you when you’re ready.”
“What will Tucker say?”
“He’s already packed a bag for you. I helped him over the phone when you were at the spa. You know, he cried the entire time. Said he’d miss you so much and all he prayed was for you to come back to him.”
“He what? He cried?”
“Don’t be mad at him. It was my idea. The facility. If you agree to go, great. If you don’t, we’ll find another way to get you help. You have my word. When did I ever let you down?”
“I think I should go...”
“I agree.”
I said nothing, lost in my thoughts for a long time. Mental breakdown or postpartum depression, could this be it? Or would they just force me to swallow a bunch of colorful pills supposed to make me believe unicorns were walking on rainbows?
“I’m not getting drugged, Dah.”
She smiled and pushed back to look at me. “You think I’m not aware, girlfriend? This place offers meditation and holistic approaches. Pills don’t fix everything. They told me they try to avoid them as much as possible. Their therapies are based on more natural ways. It seems like a good fit. They have a garden with beautiful flowerbeds. A stream with a wooden bridge in the backyard. It looks peaceful.”
Going away for a month? Would I survive in a place with a bunch of strangers, when even going to the grocery store right now seemed too much most of the time?
“What do you say?” my friend asked, and I snapped back to the present.
“Will he wait for me? Tuck, I mean."
“Addi, he’d wait for you till the end of time. That’s how much he loves ya.”
“But I’ve been awful to him.”
“He cares about you. And wants what’s best for you.”
“Can I see him before we go?”
“Sure. He’s in his home office. Nick went for a walk with the kids, so you two have time to talk. I’ll come to get you in a little while. Take your time. Listen to what he has to say. And don’t be hard on him. The guy can barely hold it together as it is. And don’t be hard on yourself. Recognizing you need help is the first step to healing."
Dahlia helped me change and fixed my hair. Fidgeting with my hands, I reached my husband’s office down the hall.
“Hey,” I said, knocking on the ajar door. “Can we talk?”
“Sweetheart—”
He rose to his feet, and I noticed the despair and sadness etching his eyes. How had I never seen it before now? How had I been so out of it that I missed the love of my life hurting? Standing a few meters away in front of me, he waited, his head hanging low, his hands stuffed in his pockets. He looked vulnerable right now. And weary.
“Well, I’ve decided to accept Dah’s offer to get help.” I couldn’t breathe properly, the lump in my throat so big I believed I would choke on it. “Go away for some time. You’ve been right all along. I’m not myself. And I might require some professional help to find my way back.”
I averted my eyes, heartbroken at the sight of the tears pooling in his.
“I recognize something is wrong with me, and I might have said things I didn’t mean. That could be hurtful toward you. And the baby.”
Tucker stepped forward, decreasing the distance between our bodies.
“Wilde, I love you so much. All I want is for you to be happy again. To go back to your crazy ways. So you’re present when you’re with us, mentally and physically.” We stared into each other’s eyes, our souls having their own conversation as we stood there, charged particles of air spiraling around us, witnesses to our despair.
“I’m not breaking up with you. It’s temporary. A month. To fix whatever is not okay with me."
He huffed a trembling breath. “Why would you think I would break up with you? I’d never do that.” His voice shook, and tears prickled my eyes.
Going away from the man I loved sounded like I was deserting him. Like his mother. The idea twisted my stomach. “Because you’ve been abandoned before. And I hate the idea you’d feel like I’m doing it too. I swear I’m not.”
“Wilde, you’re nothing like my mother. You’re my best friend. And the love of my life. Not only that, but you’re the mother of my child. I know your heart. And you’d never leave us on purpose or due to selfishness.”
I stared at him, my words dissolving before they could form on my tongue.
As if he sensed the battle in my head, Tucker added, “Can I hug you?"
I nodded. At first, his arms around me felt stiff and foreign, but soon, I warmed to them and nestled my body in his loving embrace. Sobs I’d been holding in shook me, rocking my core. Weeks of pain and distress poured out all at once.
“I’m so sorry. I’m not okay. I don’t feel okay. And I have no idea who I am anymore. Where I belong. Or what’s going on with my life. I know I’ve hurt you. And that you and the baby don’t deserve my mood swings and absence. But I can’t do otherwise. It’s like being around you burns me. Like I’m lost in space and have no idea how to come back home. Almost like watching my own life through a glass-mirror and having no way to connect with people on the other side.”
Tucker cupped my cheeks. “Don’t chastise yourself, sweetheart. I know you. I know your heart. I’ll wait for you. As long as it takes. Because I love you and this will never change.”
“I’m not leaving you, okay?” I repeated. Insecurity grew in me at the idea he could fall in love with someone else during my absence. I had to convince myself more than him. “Don’t forget about me, please. Don’t lose faith in me. Or I’ll never find the courage to heal if I have to do all this by myself. Or if I have to come back to an empty house.”
We both cried, his inner strength pouring onto me and keeping me safe. Protecting me from myself and the rest of the world.
“I’m so proud of you for agreeing to do this. For recognizing you need help. I’m sorry I can’t be the one giving it to you. I tried. I really did. But I’m not equipped to do more.”
“Don’t ever blame yourself. Right now, I’m not sure I deserve you. I’m the one who’s sorry. For putting you through hell. It was never my intention. You waited for me. From the first day, you’ve been my hero. Where would I be without your unconditional love and support?”
“Sweetheart, I’ll be here when you come back. When you’re ready to come home. I love you. So much. Never question it.”
My husband kissed me, and for the second time since I gave birth, I let myself melt against him and abandoned my whole being to the love outpouring from him.
“Can I tell you about my daddy?” I said.
“You can tell me anything. I’ll never judge you.”
I cleared my throat. “A few times in the last year, I’ve tried to open up about it. But I was so afraid this could be it. I didn’t want you to think I was damaged. Or that I could be damaged. My father... Well, depression runs in his family-tree. When I was eight, my parents separated because he wouldn’t get help for the longest time. He refused to acknowledge he had problems and that they impacted his life and his family. My parents never had another child because my father worried he’d pass the gene to us. To Phoenix and me. And up until last year, it never occurred to me I could carry it. After my breakup, before we met, I was down. And it took me a while to get my vibe back. You’re the one who snapped me out of my funk. Who painted colors back into my world.”
I paused, clearing the fog taking over my brain.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. I really wanted to. Now I’ll get better. You don’t deserve just a part of me, but all of me. I’m not sure if I want it to be depression or not. All I know is that I don’t want to suffer anymore. And I don’t want you and the baby to suffer either.”
Tucker pulled me into his arms once again. “Whatever it is, we’ll fight this. I’m not going away, and I’ll lend you all the strength you need."
“Thank you. For being you.”
We stood still for a long while, connecting for the first time in almost a month.
“Do you want me to drive you?” he asked.
I shook my head. “Dah will take me. It will be too hard if you’re there. To see the pain in your eyes. The hurt I’ve caused our family. To walk away.” I stepped away from his embrace. “I’ll get better.”
In front of my son’s nursery, I stopped and scanned the room, my heart heavy and bruised in my chest. With tentative steps, I walked in. It had been weeks since I entered the room. The last time was before his birth. My heart closed in on itself. Painfully. More tears cascaded down my cheeks. Holding against my chest a stuffed-elephant I picked up from the crib, I let the tears flow. “I’m sorry, baby."
He wasn’t here, but I could feel his energy all around me and somehow, I preferred him not hearing my words.
“I’ll try to be a better mother. To love you the way you deserve. You won’t see me for some time. I’m going away. But I’ll be back. Wait for me. And take care of your daddy. I’m sorry I’m not a mama to you. It was never supposed to be this way. I was so excited to hold you in my arms the first time, and I have no idea where it went wrong. But things won’t change unless I accept help. All I want is for you to be proud of me. And to be able to rock you to sleep or feed you without having a meltdown. None of this has anything to do with ya. It’s all on me. My brain is... I don’t really know myself, but it’s making me this way. I wanna love you so much, and you have no idea how painful this is.” My tears drowned my last words. I kissed my fingers and grazed the comforter. “Can I keep this one?” I asked nobody, clutching the animal tighter than required. “It’s my promise to come back to you.”
With a giant boulder pressing against my ribcage, I exited the room, closing the door behind me. From the corner of my eye, I noticed Tucker watching me from our bedroom doorway, looking dejected. He offered me a tiny smile when our eyes locked and a nod. Dahlia came back at the exact moment, and they exchanged a few words. My husband left with my suitcase as my best friend joined me.
“Come on, Addi. It’s time. Let’s do this. For what it’s worth, I’m proud of ya. And Tucker is too. Jamieson would be if he could talk. It’s a great example you’re setting up for him, even if he can’t tell you right now.”
A loud cry tumbled out of my mouth. A cry of pain. And helplessness. “Will he even remember me?” I asked through my tears.
My friend’s arms circled my shoulders. “You’re his mama, Addi. He spent nine months in your womb. He would recognize you, your voice, your body, your scent anywhere, anytime. Would you like to kiss him goodbye?”
I shook my head. “No. I can’t. It’s too hard being around him. I’m a terrible person.”
“No. You’re stronger than you think. And that’s what matters.”
I nodded and followed her outside.
I caught sight of my baby tucked in Nick’s arms, Jack standing tall beside them. I waved in their direction, and the toddler ran my way, his little arms fastening around my thigh.
“Addidi, where you going?”
I caressed his short dark hair. A lone tear traced the length of my cheek.
“I’ll be back soon,” was all I could muster to reply.
We broke apart, and he watched me.
Nick stepped forward, but I shook my head. He nodded his agreement and grabbed Jack’s hand, leading him to the house.
Tucker kissed me before helping me into the car. “Be brave, sweetheart. We’ll come to get you when you feel okay. When you want to come home.”
He closed the door, and I pressed my palm against the window. He replicated the gesture, our stares unflinching.
The sad bent of his lips shattered my heart.
“I love you,” he mouthed.
I nodded, breaking the contact.
For the first time in a month, a streak of confidence woke up in me at the thought of getting my life back. And to regain control over myself.
I would put in the work. Because my family was my universe. And I wouldn’t let them down.