Tucker led me to the en-suite in our bedroom. The hammering of my heart could probably be heard miles around. Up to this day, I had succeeded in covering my body around my husband. But I was aware this day would come when he would request more. That we’d resume our intimacy. And the thought of it got me so anxious I always pushed it far away. With my hand firmly in his, he glanced at me over his shoulder, and the smile that he shone on me sent sparks of confidence in me. Confidence I could let go with him. That he meant every word he spoke earlier. That I was safe with him.
We entered the bathroom, and I flicked the light switch off, plunging the room into semi-darkness, only a soft glow coming from the bedroom window illuminating the room.
My husband turned it back on and rested both hands on my hips. “No. I wanna see you. No more hiding.”
His voice sounded so soft, so comforting, how could I resist him? Tucker Philips always had that pull on me. A magnetism I couldn’t escape.
“Okay,” I whispered, my gaze on my feet.
“Can I?” he asked, gripping the hem of my shirt with a delicate gesture.
I closed my eyes and swallowed my uneasiness.
Deciding to let go of my fears, I nodded.
In a slow motion, he peeled the shirt over my head. I battled with myself to avoid covering my stomach, my eyes still shut. Shivers traversed me when his fingertips grazed my arms.
I risked a look at him, and it stole my breath away. His face gushed with love. And I believed his words. That I could do this. With him.
Bending forward, his eyes on mine, Tucker kissed the length of my neck, the valley of my breasts, the soft skin of my belly. His fingers hooked onto my shorts, and kneeling before me, he slid them down my legs. When his thumbs glided to the elastic waistband of my panties, he looked up at me, asking for my permission to remove them.
I nodded, missing the way we used to love each other in the past and the adoration he always showered me with.
His mouth pressed against my inner legs, and he kissed me there, his tongue warm against my center when he laved the seam with gentle strokes.
Chills of pleasure I hadn’t felt in so long moved up and down my spine.
My hips rocked forward, chasing the building pleasure only my husband could provide.
Carefully, he stood, his lips molding to mine. “I love you, Wilde. And I always will.”
He unclasped my bra, and it pooled on the floor. His palms kneaded my breasts, his mouth never detaching from mine.
With every movement of his tongue, I felt more confident about myself. Like we could still be us. Even after everything we went through.
Hand in hand, we entered the shower, and Tucker took his time washing my hair and every inch of me with the upmost care.
“Can I touch you?” he asked in my ear.
I nibbled on my lower lip and said, “Yes.”
“You tell me if it’s too much.”
I nodded, meeting his eyes.
Feelings I had forgotten about developed in my core. Goosebumps blossomed all over my arms when Tucker’s digit descended between my thighs, and he circled my clit in slow motions. I gasped, unable to keep all the sensations swirling in me inside.
“Jesus, I’ve missed this,” he said, his voice husky with unmistakable need.
Coating his fingers with my arousal, he pushed one digit inside. A cry left my mouth, and I trembled at the contact.
My fingernails dug into his biceps, holding him in place and making sure he wouldn’t remove his hand.
“You like it?” he murmured.
He positioned himself behind me, his erection pressing against my lower back, his fingers increasing their pace, and his other arm fastened around my waist. I relished the sturdiness of him against me.
Pleasure built in my core, little fireworks igniting the deepest parts of me. Flames that were dead rekindling.
Tucker’s thumb pressed against my bundle of sensitive nerves and I came, my head tilting back and resting in the crook of his shoulder. His mouth found mine, and we kissed like we hadn’t kissed in such a long time. My toes curled and my body electrified, another orgasm washing over me, his fingers relentlessly gliding in and out of me.
His tongue danced with mine. We fused together, unable to break apart. I didn’t need air to feel alive anymore, my husband the only source of oxygen I required.
He groaned into my mouth, and I deepened the kiss, not wanting to break apart from him, scared I would crumble if I did. Tucker was not only my rock. But also my better half. The pillar I could always count on.
“Fuck, sweetheart.” His words drowned in my mouth.
His teeth toyed with my lip, and I moaned.
He grabbed a handful of my ass cheeks, and my fist curled around his manhood.
I worked him in slow thrusts when he stopped me with his hand. “Not today, sweetheart. Let’s go slow, okay? I don’t want us to skip steps or do things you’re not ready for.”
I pursed my lips to argue, but he kissed me, making me forget about everything as he spun my world in the best possible way. And reminded me why I had to battle with my demons to be worthy of his love again.
Because this, what we shared, was the fuel of my life. And I wouldn’t trade this for anything else. Flickers of the darkness that had been surrounding me for months parted away. And burying my face into my husband’s chest, I had the certitude we’d be okay. That I would get better and we would find our peace.
We exited the shower, and Jamieson’s cries reached our ears through the baby monitor in our bedroom.
Tucker kissed the side of my face and dried himself up. “Take your time. I’ll get him.”
I stopped him with a hand on his forearm.
“Let me,” I said.
He frowned. “Are you sure?"
I bowed my head before meeting his eyes. “I am. Please. I can do this.”
He tucked my hair behind my ear. “I know you can.”
I started dressing up when I spun to face him. “Why don’t you take a nap? I’m sure you could use the rest. We’ll be all right, Jamieson and I. If something’s wrong or if I can’t deal with it, I’ll come to get you. I promise.”
Tucker studied me. Like he was searching for answers in the words I didn’t speak out loud. “Fine. I’ll take you up on your offer. Thanks.”
He linked our fingers, and they brushed together until I walked too far away from him.
A new spur of excitement woke up in my heart. I could do this. If I could let Tucker see the vulnerable side of me, my body that I had to learn to love again, I could take care of my son without panic rising in me.
“Hey you,” I said, picking up the fussy baby. “I’m here now. You’ll be fine. You and I, we’ll be okay.” After I changed his diaper, I went to make him a bottle in the kitchen.
Sitting in the rocking chair by the giant window of the nursery, the sunlight casting the shadows away, I fed my baby on my own for the very first time. Basking in the late spring glow, I caressed his cheek with a finger.
His little fingers fastened their grip over the bottle, and his blue eyes fixated on me.
“I’m sorry I’ve been away for so long. But I’m here now, and I won’t leave ever again. I might not be back to being myself again, but I’ll get there. I’m aware I’m asking a lot from you, and it wasn’t my intention to lose myself after I gave birth. It happened. And it makes me so sad, thinking I failed you. From this day on, I never want you to feel like you can’t count on me. Gimme some more time, okay? I’ll prove to you I can do this."
His tiny hand let go of the bottle and wrapped around my finger. He tightened his squeeze, and a single tear leaked from my eyes.
“Jamieson, I love you. And I always will.” My lips lingered on his forehead. He babbled, pushing the nipple of the bottle out of his mouth. “You agree with me?” I asked. He blinked and returned to his milk.
We floated in our tiny bubble a little longer until my baby fell asleep in my arms.
Strong emotions rushed through me.
They suffocated me, and I placed a hand over my thundering heart.
I can do this. I can do this. I repeated in my head. Those incapacitating thoughts didn’t appear as much as they used to, but sometimes they took me by surprise and I froze, not knowing how to react.
I breathed in. One. Two. Three. And breathed out. Three. Two. One.
That’s when my eyes caught a glimpse of him, standing in the doorway, an adorable sleepy expression painted on his face. And some of my panic died at the sight.
“Are you okay?” Tucker asked, hurrying to my side, not missing the alarm painting my face. “Hey, you’re doing good. It’s okay. Just breathe.” He lifted the baby from my arms and placed him in his crib before returning to my side. “Wilde, you did it. You spent,” he checked the time on his watch, “an hour alone with him. On your own. It’s a big step.”
He kneeled beside me.
“An hour?” I asked, my words now mixing with tears.
He bobbed his head. “Yes. It’s huge.”
My entire body quivered, and I had no clue how to stop the tremors. Tucker pulled me to my feet, and after he closed the curtains, he held me in his arms.
“Do you wanna talk about it?”
I shook my head. “Not now.” I cocked my head to look at our son. “I did it,” I muttered, mostly for my own sake.
My husband never let go of me. His lips caught mine. And once again, I released my fears as I invited his strength to rub on me a little more.
We exited the nursery, and a hint of a smile grazed my lips.
Yes, I did it.