THE MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR

In 1702 the poet and critic John Dennis rewrote The Merry Wives of Windsor with the title The Comical Gallant: or, the Amours of Sir John Falstaff. Dennis claimed that the original Shakespearean play was a particular favorite of Queen Elizabeth. Indeed, he reported, “This comedy was written at her command, and by her direction, and she was so eager to see it acted that she commanded it to be finished in fourteen days; and was afterwards, as tradition tells us, very well pleased at the representation.” A few years later, the story was elaborated in the biography appended to Nicholas Rowe’s edition of Shakespeare: the Queen was so well pleased “with that admirable character of Falstaff in the two parts of Henry the Fourth” that she commanded Shakespeare “to continue it for one play more, and to show him in love.”

We do not know whether the story is true, but there is great appeal in the idea of Falstaff reincarnated by royal command and transposed from tavern and battlefield to lady’s chamber and linen basket. There is no doubt that the play’s popularity on the eighteenth- and nineteenth-century stage owed much to its status as a vehicle for Falstaff. And at the end of the nineteenth century, the drama underwent another transposition as it was recreated in perhaps the greatest of all Shakespearean operas, Verdi and Boito’s Falstaff.

A seventeenth-century educational theorist called Philip King complained that it was ridiculous to suggest that “the condition of all our English women may be drawn out of Shakespeare’s The Merry Wives of Windsor.” And in the 1660s, the leading English female intellectual of the age, Margaret Cavendish, Duchess of Newcastle, singled out those wives as particularly strong examples of Shakespeare’s gift for representing women: “who could describe Cleopatra better than he hath done, and many other females to his own creating, as Nan Page, Mrs Page, Mrs Ford, the Doctor’s Maid, Beatrice, Mrs Quickly, Doll Tearsheet, and others, too many to relate?” Though King disapproved and the Duchess approved, they clearly agreed that The Merry Wives was one of Shakespeare’s best plays for women. Whereas Shakespeare’s other comedies are courtship dramas that end with weddings or the promise of them, The Merry Wives of Windsor is more interested in how witty wives sustain society. The play is Shakespeare’s nearest approach to sitcom, where the setting is domestic and people are forever rushing in and out of doors.

“The Merry Wives” indicates that this is a play in which the women will be on top. “Of Windsor” promises a comedy of English town life. This is in sharp contrast to Shakespeare’s other comedies of the late 1590s and early 1600s, with their courtly, continental, and often pastoral settings. Indeed, with the exception of the Eastcheap scenes in the Henry IV plays, Windsor is the closest Shakespeare comes to the one major dramatic genre of the age that he did not attempt: the comedy of London life. City comedy was the forte of the group of slightly younger dramatists who came onto the theater scene around the turn of the century—Ben Jonson, Thomas Dekker, and Thomas Middleton.

But Windsor is not London. Though the play includes several types familiar from city comedy—the jealous husband, the marriageable citizen’s daughter, the simpleton up from the country—the setting is more provincial town than buzzing metropolis. The dramatist’s own experience of life in Stratford-upon-Avon was probably a more formative influence on the creation of this play than any literary source of the kind that inspired most of his other comedies. The scene in which a cheeky boy called William is drilled in Latin grammar feels as close to autobiographical reminiscence as anything in Shakespeare.

Nor is Windsor a generic English town. The castle and the royal park made it synonymous with the monarchy. During the closing nocturnal scene in the park, Mistress Quickly in the role of Queen of the Fairies offers a good luck charm to Queen Elizabeth, whom the poet Edmund Spenser had immortalized a few years before under the guise of England’s Faerie Queene. Given its royal setting, its close relationship to the history plays, and the fact that it is the only Shakespearean comedy with an English setting, The Merry Wives is inevitably interested in questions of Englishness. The comic treatment of honor and cozening, true and false knighthood, and the nature of gentility rearticulates some of the matter of the Henry IV plays in a new key, but the most sustained exploration of national identity takes place at the level of language.

Shakespeare has always been so admired for his poetry that the language of The Merry Wives has often been underrated for the simple reason that of all his plays this is the one with the highest proportion of prose. Yet its command of the prose medium is unstoppable: from first to last there is a stream of wordplay, innuendo, and hilarious linguistic misapprehension. The comic suitors are the key here: the Welsh parson Sir Hugh Evans and the French Doctor Caius are characterized by their abuse of the English language. Extraordinary mileage is obtained from Caius’s verbal tics (“By gar,” “vat is?”) and such simple substitutions as Evans’s “f” for “v” (thus in the Latin language lesson, the grammatical term “vocative” becomes the obscene-sounding “focative”). Verbal sparring stands in for physical. Whereas in the history plays national pride comes from prowess at arms, here it is a matter of prowess at words. When the Welshman and the Frenchman prepare to fight a duel over their rivalry for Anne, Shallow and Page remove their swords and the Host says “Let them keep their limbs whole and hack our English.

Comedy at the expense of foreigners for their abuse of the English tongue might be described as crudely patriotic or mildly xenophobic. A deeper patriotism and a richer form of comedy come from the capacity of the English language to turn adversity to advantage. That is the art of Falstaff, as it is in a more general sense the art of Shakespeare and his actors. Falstaff is repeatedly humiliated, but his mastery of the English language always gives him the last word. On discovering that he has been pinched and beaten not by real goblins but by Sir Hugh and his class of children, Falstaff magnificently retorts “Have I lived to stand at the taunt of one that makes fritters of English?” and then “I am not able to answer the Welsh flannel.” He is physically humiliated (“dejected”), but his linguistic gift never fails. Like his creator, he can seemingly conjure anything into language. Again and again, a bodily battering is transformed into the opportunity for a verbal display in which a tone of feigned incredulity creates a unique combination of excess and humility, self-delusion and self-knowledge that is irresistible to a theater audience.

 

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KEY FACTS

PLOT: Sir John Falstaff, staying in Windsor and down on his luck, decides to restore his fortunes by seducing the wives of two wealthy citizens. He sends Mistress Page and Mistress Ford identical love letters, but they discover his double-dealing and set about turning the tables, arranging an assignation at Mistress Ford’s house. The jealous Frank Ford has heard of Falstaff’s plan and decides to test his wife’s fidelity. Pretending to be Master Broom, he pays Falstaff to seduce his wife on his behalf, twice almost catching them together. The Pages’ daughter Anne is pursued by three suitors. The French physician Doctor Caius is her mother’s choice, whilst her father favors Slender, Justice Shallow’s kinsman. Anne herself is in love with Fenton. Mistress Quickly is being paid by all three suitors to advance their cause. A duel between Doctor Caius and Parson Evans is averted when the Host of the Garter Inn plays a trick on them, and they in turn pay him back. In Windsor Great Park at night, Falstaff is set up for his final punishment—and one of Anne Page’s suitors is successful.

MAJOR PARTS: (with percentage of lines/number of speeches/scenes on stage) Falstaff (17%/136/9), Mrs. Page (12%/101/9), Ford (12%/99/9), Mrs. Quickly (10%/74/9), Evans (8%/87/9), Mrs. Ford (6%/85/7), Page (6%/75/11), Slender (5%/56/7), Shallow (4%/59/7), Caius (4%/49/8), Host (4%/46/8), Fenton (4%/20/4), Pistol (2%/29/5), Simple (2%/25/5), Anne Page (1%/19/3).

LINGUISTIC MEDIUM: 10% verse, 90% prose. Highest proportion of prose in the Complete Works.

DATE: 1597–1601. Allusion to the Order of the Garter in the final scene has led to supposition that the play was performed at, or indeed commissioned for, the Garter Feast held at Whitehall in April 1597, when George Carey, Lord Chamberlain and patron of Shakespeare’s acting company, was elected to the order, as (in absentia) was Frederick Duke of Württemberg (which may account for the allusions to a German duke in the scene involving the Host’s horses). The 1597–98 winter season at court and the Garter festivities for 1599 have also been proposed as the occasion: the argument for the latter, when Henry Brooke, eighth Lord Cobham, was elected Knight of the Garter, is interwoven with the Brooke/Broom crux (see “Text”, below). The argument against 1597 is that it would place the play before 2 Henry IV, which seems counterintuitive: the relationship between Falstaff and Shallow, together with the retinue of “irregular humorists,” is more likely to have been created in the history play and reanimated in the comedy than vice versa (though it has been suggested that The Merry Wives was dashed off when Shakespeare was halfway through the writing of 2 Henry IV). The element of “humoral” comedy suggests a date after Ben Jonson introduced this vogue in Every Man in his Humour (1598). The argument against a special Garter commission is that a full-length comedy, as opposed to a shorter masque or entertainment of a more courtly kind, is unlikely to have been performed on such an occasion. It is possible that the Garter dimension is a vestige of an earlier commissioned work that was expanded into a comedy for the public stage. The play is not mentioned by Meres, suggesting late 1598 or 1599 as the earliest date for public performance. The 1602 Quarto title page clearly indicates performance both before the court and in the public theater. Quarto omits the speech alluding to the Order of the Garter and many other references to Windsor and the court. The major differences between Quarto and Folio texts (see below) suggest several stages of composition and probably performance in different versions.

SOURCES: No known source for the main plot, but the gallant who attempts to seduce another man’s wife, is interrupted, and is hidden in a bizarre place was a traditional comic motif, as was the clever wife who gets the upper hand (there is an example in one of the tales in Barnabe Riche’s Farewell to Military Profession, a book that provided Shakespeare with the main source for Twelfth Night); the Anne Page plot of rival suitors for an attractive daughter also has many analogues. The horse-stealing episode may allude to the Duke of Württemberg’s visit to England in 1592 and has parallels with a comic sequence in Marlowe’s Dr. Faustus. Falstaff with his horns in the park combines the folktale of Herne the Hunter with the classical myth (from Ovid’s Metamorphoses) of Actaeon. The pinching Fairies are themselves pinched from act four scene three of John Lyly’s play Endymion, the Man in the Moon (published 1591).

TEXT: Published in Quarto in 1602, in a version that has the hallmarks of a “reported text” of a stage production. About half the length of the Folio, and with many textual corruptions, the Quarto was reprinted in 1619. The First Folio text of 1623 was set from a transcript by Ralph Crane, professional scribe to the King’s Men, though it is not certain whether he worked from the playhouse “book” or an authorial manuscript.

The Quarto calls into question two other significant details in the Folio. First, the name by which Ford calls himself when disguised: this is “Brooke” in Quarto but “Broom” in Folio. “Brooke” was clearly Shakespeare’s original intention, being an aquatic variation on “Ford” and the occasion for at least one liquid pun (“Such Brooks are welcome to me, that o’erflows such liquor”—2.2.107). The change to “Broom” in Folio may well have been made in order to avoid offending the powerful family with whom Shakespeare had already been in trouble over a name in 1 Henry IV. Lord Cobham had objected to the name Sir John Oldcastle, with the result that Shakespeare changed it to Sir John Falstaff. The Cobham family name was Brooke, so perhaps they intervened again, or the name was changed for fear that they might. We follow Folio’s Broom, but in production it is probably best to revert to Brook, in order to make the watery jokes work. Falstaff does not, after all, hide in a broom cupboard: he is thrown into a brook.

The other issue is the color coding at the climactic moment of the play, when Anne’s three suitors come on and take the fairy each of them supposes is her, whilst the children are singing their song and pinching Falstaff. In Folio, Master Page tells Slender that his daughter will be in white, but when Slender comes on with the humiliating news that he has grabbed and married a boy, he says that he took a fairy in green. With Caius, it is the other way round: Mistress Page tells him that Anne will be in green, but he takes a boy in white. Editors since the eighteenth century have reversed the colors in the dialogue at the end, to make them consistent with those of the initial plan. Since the inconsistency is much more likely to be the author’s than the printer’s, we have not done this, but attention is drawn to this issue in the gloss and the textual notes.

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THE MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR

MISTRESS MARGARET PAGE, of Windsor

MASTER GEORGE PAGE, her husband

ANNE PAGE, their daughter

WILLIAM PAGE, a boy, their son

MISTRESS ALICE FORD, of Windsor

MASTER FRANK FORD, her husband

MASTER FENTON, a young gentleman, in love with Anne Page

SIR JOHN FALSTAFF

ROBIN, Falstaff’s pageboy

PETER SIMPLE, servant to Slender

SIR HUGH EVANS, a Welsh parson

HOST of the Garter Inn

DOCTOR CAIUS, a French physician

JOHN RUGBY, his servant

MISTRESS QUICKLY, his housekeeper

Servants; Children of Windsor playing Fairies

Act 1 Scene 1^1.1

running scene 1

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       Enter Justice Shallow, Slender [and] Sir Hugh Evans

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     Sir¹ Hugh, persuade me not. I will make a Star Chamber matter of it. If he were twenty Sir John Falstaffs, he shall not abuse Robert Shallow, esquire.

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     In the county of Gloucester, Justice of Peace and Coram.³

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     Ay, cousin⁴ Slender, and Custalorum.

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     Ay, and Rato-lorum⁵ too; and a gentleman born, master parson, who writes himself Armigero⁶ in any bill, warrant, quittance or obligation, Armigero.

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     Ay, that I do, and have done any time these three hundred years.

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     All his successors — gone before him — hath done’t, and all his ancestors — that come after him — may. They may give⁹ the dozen white luces in their coat.¹⁰

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     It is an old coat.

       

EVANS

EVANS     The dozen white louses do become¹² an old coat well. It agrees well passant. It is a familiar¹³ beast to man, and signifies love.

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     The luce is the fresh fish. The salt fish is an old coat.¹⁴

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     I may quarter,¹⁵ coz.

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     You may, by marrying.

       

EVANS

EVANS     It is marring indeed, if he quarter it.

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     Not a whit.

       

EVANS

EVANS     Yes, py’r lady:¹⁹ if he has a quarter of your coat, there is but three skirts for yourself, in my simple conjectures. But that is all one: if Sir John Falstaff have committed disparagements unto you, I am of the church, and will be glad to do my benevolence,²¹ to make atonements²² and compromises between you.

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     The Council²³ shall hear it, it is a riot.

       

EVANS

EVANS     It is not meet²⁴ the Council hear a riot: there is no fear of Got in a riot. The Council, look you, shall desire to hear the fear of Got, and not to hear a riot. Take²⁵ your vizaments²⁶ in that.

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     Ha, o’my life, if I were young again, the sword should end it.

       

EVANS

EVANS     It is petter that friends²⁸ is the sword, and end it. And there is also another device²⁹ in my prain, which peradventure prings goot discretions with it. There is Anne Page, which is daughter to Master Thomas³⁰ Page, which is pretty virginity.

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     Mistress Anne Page? She has brown hair, and speaks small³¹ like a woman.

       

EVANS

EVANS     It is that fery³² person for all the ’orld, as just as you will desire, and seven hundred pounds of moneys, and gold and silver, is³³ her grandsire upon his death’s-bed — Got deliver to a joyful resurrections! — give,³⁴ when she is able to overtake seventeen years old. It were a goot motion,³⁵ if we leave our pribbles and prabbles, and desire a marriage between Master Abraham and Mistress Anne Page.

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred pound?

       

EVANS

EVANS     Ay, and her father is³⁹ make her a petter penny.

       

SLENDER⁴⁰

SLENDER     I know the young gentlewoman: she has good gifts.

       

EVANS

EVANS     Seven hundred pounds, and possibilities,⁴¹ is goot gifts.

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     Well, let us see honest⁴² Master Page. Is Falstaff there?

       

EVANS

EVANS     Shall I tell you a lie? I do despise a liar as I do despise one that is false, or as I despise one that is not true. The knight, Sir John, is there, and I beseech you, be ruled by your well-willers.⁴⁵ I will peat the door for Master Page. Knocks What, ho! Got pless your house here!

       

PAGE

PAGE     Who’s there? Speaks within and then enters

       

EVANS

EVANS     Here is Got’s plessing, and your friend, and Justice Shallow, and here young Master Slender, that peradventures shall tell⁴⁹ you another tale, if matters grow to your likings.

       

PAGE

PAGE     I am glad to see your worships well. I thank you for my venison, Master Shallow.

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     Master Page, I am glad to see you: much good do it your good heart. I wished your venison better, it was ill⁵⁴ killed. How doth good Mistress Page? And I thank you always with my heart, la⁵⁵ — with my heart.

       

PAGE

PAGE     Sir, I thank you.

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     Sir, I thank you: by⁵⁷ yea and no, I do.

       

PAGE

PAGE     I am glad to see you, good Master Slender.

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     How does your fallow⁵⁹ greyhound, sir? I heard say he was outrun on Cotsall.⁶⁰

       

PAGE

PAGE     It could not be judged,⁶¹ sir.

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     You’ll not confess, you’ll not confess.

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     That he will not.— ’Tis your fault,⁶⁴ ’tis your fault.— ’Tis a good dog. Aside to Slender/To Page

       

PAGE

PAGE     A cur,⁶⁵ sir.

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     Sir, he’s a good dog, and a fair dog, can there be more said? He is good and fair. Is Sir John Falstaff here?

       

PAGE

PAGE     Sir, he is within: and I would⁶⁸ I could do a good office between you.

       

EVANS

EVANS     It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak.

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     He hath wronged me, Master Page.

       

PAGE

PAGE     Sir, he doth in some sort⁷¹ confess it.

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     If it be confessed, it is not redressed. Is not that so, Master Page? He hath wronged me, indeed he hath, at⁷³ a word, he hath. Believe me: Robert Shallow esquire saith he is wronged.

       

PAGE

PAGE     Here comes Sir John.

       [Enter Falstaff, Bardolph, Nim and Pistol]

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Now, Master Shallow, you’ll complain of me to the king?

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     Knight, you have beaten my men, killed my deer, and broke open my lodge.⁷⁸

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     But not kissed your keeper’s⁷⁹ daughter?

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     Tut, a pin!⁸⁰ This shall be answered.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     I will answer it straight:⁸¹ I have done all this. That is now answered.

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     The Council shall know this.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     ’Twere better for you if it were known in counsel.⁸³ You’ll be laughed at.

       

EVANS

EVANS     Pauca verba⁸⁴, Sir John, goot worts.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Good worts?⁸⁵ Good cabbage. Slender, I broke your head. What matter have you against me?

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against you, and against your cony-catching⁸⁷ rascals, Bardolph, Nim and Pistol.

       

BARDOLPH

BARDOLPH     You Banbury cheese!⁸⁹

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     Ay, it is no matter.⁹⁰

       

PISTOL

PISTOL     How now, Mephostophilus?⁹¹

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     Ay, it is no matter.

       

NIM

NIM     Slice,⁹³ I say! Pauca, pauca. Slice, that’s my humour.

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     Where’s Simple, my man? Can you tell, cousin?

       

EVANS

EVANS     Peace, I pray you. Now let us understand. There is three umpires in this matter, as I understand; that is, Master Page — fidelicet⁹⁶ Master Page — and there is myself — fidelicet myself— and the three⁹⁷ party is — lastly and finally — mine host⁹⁸ of the Garter.

       

PAGE

PAGE     We three to hear it and end it between them.

       

EVANS

EVANS     Fery goot, I will make a prief¹⁰⁰ of it in my note-book, and we will afterwards ’ork¹⁰¹ upon the cause with as great discreetly as we can.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Pistol!

       

PISTOL

PISTOL     He hears with ears.

       

EVANS

EVANS     The tevil¹⁰⁴ and his tam! What phrase is this? He hears with ear? Why, it is affectations.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Pistol, did you pick Master Slender’s purse?

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     Ay, by these gloves, did he, or I would I might never come in mine own great chamber¹⁰⁸ again else, of seven groats in mill-sixpences, and two Edward shovel-boards, that cost me two shilling and two pence apiece of Yead¹⁰⁹ Miller, by these gloves.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Is this true, Pistol?

       

EVANS

EVANS     No, it is false,¹¹² if it is a pick-purse.

       

PISTOL

PISTOL     Ha, thou mountain-foreigner!¹¹³ Sir John and master mine, I combat challenge¹¹⁴ of this latten bilbo. Word of denial in thy labras¹¹⁵ here! Word of denial: froth and scum, thou liest!

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     By these gloves, then, ’twas he. Points to Nim

       

NIM

NIM     Be avised,¹¹⁸ sir, and pass good humours: I will say ‘marry trap’ with you, if you run¹¹⁹ the nuthook’s humour on me. That is the very note of it.

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     By this hat, then, he¹²⁰ in the red face had it: for though I cannot remember what I did when you made me drunk, yet I am not altogether an ass.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     What say you, Scarlet and John?¹²²

       

BARDOLPH

BARDOLPH     Why, sir, for my part, I say the gentleman had drunk himself out of his five sentences.

       

EVANS

EVANS     It is his five senses. Fie, what the ignorance is!

       

BARDOLPH

BARDOLPH     And being fap,¹²⁶ sir, was, as they say, cashiered: and so conclusions passed the careers.

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     Ay, you spake in Latin then too. But ’tis no matter. I’ll ne’er be drunk whilst I live again, but in honest, civil, godly company, for this trick. If I be drunk, I’ll be drunk with those that have the fear of God, and not with drunken knaves.

       

EVANS

EVANS     So Got ’udge¹³¹ me, that is a virtuous mind.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     You hear all these matters denied, gentlemen, you hear it.

       [Enter Anne, with wine]

       

PAGE

PAGE     Nay, daughter, carry the wine in: we’ll drink within.

       [Exit Anne]

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     O heaven, this is Mistress Anne Page! Aside?

       [Enter Mistress Ford and Mistress Page]

       

PAGE

PAGE     How now, Mistress Ford?

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well met. By your leave,¹³⁶ good mistress. Kisses her

       

PAGE

PAGE     Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome. Come, we have a hot venison pasty to¹³⁸ dinner. Come, gentlemen, I hope we shall drink down all unkindness.

       [Exeunt all except Shallow, Slender and Evans]

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     I had rather than forty shillings I had my book¹⁴⁰ of Songs and Sonnets here.

       [Enter Simple]

                  How now, Simple, where have you been? I must wait on myself, must I? You have not the Book of Riddles¹⁴² about you, have you?

       

SIMPLE

SIMPLE     Book of Riddles? Why, did you not lend it to Alice Shortcake upon Allhallowmas¹⁴⁴ last, a fortnight afore Michaelmas?

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     Come, coz. Come, coz, we stay¹⁴⁵ for you. A word with you, coz. Marry, this, coz: there is, as ’twere, a tender,¹⁴⁶ a kind of tender, made afar off by Sir Hugh here. Do you understand me?

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable. If it be so, I shall do¹⁴⁸ that that is reason.

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     Nay, but understand me.

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     So I do, sir.

       

EVANS

EVANS     Give ear to his motions.¹⁵² Master Slender, I will description the matter to you, if you be capacity of¹⁵³ it.

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says. I pray you pardon me, he’s a Justice of Peace in his country,¹⁵⁵ simple though I stand here.

       

EVANS

EVANS     But that is not the question. The question is concerning your marriage.

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     Ay, there’s the point, sir.

       

EVANS

EVANS     Marry, is it: the very point of it, to Mistress Anne Page.

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     Why, if it be so, I will marry her upon any reasonable demands.¹⁵⁹

       

EVANS

EVANS     But can you affection the ’oman?¹⁶⁰ Let us command to know that of your mouth or of your lips, for divers¹⁶¹ philosophers hold that the lips is parcel of the mouth. Therefore, precisely, can you carry¹⁶² your good will to the maid?

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her?

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     I hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one that would do reason.

       

EVANS

EVANS     Nay, Got’s lords and his ladies, you must speak possitable,¹⁶⁵ if you can carry her your desires towards her.

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     That you must. Will you, upon¹⁶⁷ good dowry, marry her?

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     I will do a greater thing than that upon your request, cousin, in any reason.

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     Nay, conceive¹⁷⁰ me, conceive me, sweet coz. What I do is to pleasure you, coz. Can you love the maid?

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     I will marry her, sir, at your request. But if there be no great love in the beginning, yet heaven may decrease¹⁷³ it upon better acquaintance, when we are married, and have more occasion to know one another. I hope upon familiarity will grow more contempt. But if you say ‘Marry her’, I will marry her — that I am freely dissolved,¹⁷⁶ and dissolutely.

       

EVANS

EVANS     It is a fery discretion answer. Save the fall¹⁷⁷ is in the ’ord ‘dissolutely’ — the ’ort is, according to our meaning, ‘resolutely’ — his meaning is good.

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     Ay, I think my cousin meant well.

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     Ay, or else I would I might be hanged, la!

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     Here comes fair Mistress Anne.

       [Enter Anne]

                  Would I were young for your sake, Mistress Anne.

       

ANNE

ANNE     The dinner is on the table, my father desires your worships’ company.

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     I will wait on him, fair Mistress Anne.

       

EVANS

EVANS     ’Od’s plessèd will! I will not be absence at the grace.

       [Exeunt Shallow and Evans]

       

ANNE

ANNE     Will’t please your worship to come in, sir?

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     No, I thank you, forsooth,¹⁸⁷ heartily. I am very well.

       

ANNE

ANNE     The dinner attends¹⁸⁸ you, sir.

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth.— To Simple Go, sirrah,¹⁸⁹ for all you are my man, go wait upon my cousin Shallow.

       [Exit Simple]

                  A justice of peace sometime may be beholding¹⁹¹ to his friend for a man. I keep but three men and a boy yet, till my mother be dead: but what though,¹⁹² yet I live like a poor gentleman born.

       

ANNE

ANNE     I may not go in without your worship: they will not sit till you come.

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     I’faith, I’ll eat nothing. I thank you as much as though I did.

       

ANNE

ANNE     I pray you, sir, walk in.

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     I had rather walk here, I thank you. I bruised my shin th’other day with playing at sword and dagger with a master of fence¹⁹⁸ — three veneys for a dish of stewed prunes¹⁹⁹ — and, by my troth, I cannot abide the smell of hot meat since. Why do your dogs bark so? Be there bears i’th’town?

       

ANNE

ANNE     I think there are, sir. I heard them talked of.

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     I love the sport²⁰² well, but I shall as soon quarrel at it, as any man in England. You are afraid if you see the bear loose, are you not?

       

ANNE

ANNE     Ay, indeed, sir.

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     That’s meat and drink to me, now. I have seen Sackerson²⁰⁵ loose twenty times, and have taken him by the chain: but, I warrant²⁰⁶ you, the women have so cried and shrieked at it that it passed.²⁰⁷ But women, indeed, cannot abide ’em: they are very ill-favoured²⁰⁸ rough things.

       [Enter Page]

       

PAGE

PAGE     Come, gentle Master Slender, come: we stay for you.

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     I’ll eat nothing, I thank you, sir.

       

PAGE

PAGE     By cock and pie,²¹¹ you shall not choose, sir. Come, come.

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     Nay, pray you lead the way.

       

PAGE

PAGE     Come on, sir.

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first.

       

ANNE

ANNE     Not I, sir, pray you, keep on.²¹⁵

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     Truly, I will not go first. Truly, la! I will not do you that wrong.

       

ANNE

ANNE     I pray you, sir.

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     I’ll rather be unmannerly than troublesome. Goes first You do yourself wrong, indeed, la!

       Exeunt

Act 1 Scene 2

running scene 2

---

       Enter Evans and Simple

       

EVANS

EVANS     Go your ways, and ask of¹ Doctor Caius’ house, which is the way; and there dwells one Mistress Quickly, which is in the manner of his nurse,² or his dry nurse, or his cook, or his laundry,³ his washer and his wringer.

       

SIMPLE

SIMPLE     Well, sir.

       

EVANS

EVANS     Nay, it is petter yet. Give her this letter. Gives letter For it is a ’oman that altogether’s acquaintance⁵ with Mistress Anne Page. And the letter is to desire and require her to solicit⁷ your master’s desires to Mistress Anne Page. I pray you, be gone: I will make an end of my dinner, there’s pippins⁸ and cheese to come.

       Exeunt

Act 1 Scene 3

running scene 3

---

       Enter Falstaff, Host, Bardolph, Nim, Pistol [and] page [Robin]

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Mine host of the Garter!

       

HOST

HOST     What says my bully rook?² Speak scholarly and wisely.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my followers.

       

HOST

HOST     Discard, bully Hercules,⁴ cashier. Let them wag. Trot, trot.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     I sit at⁵ ten pounds a week.

       

HOST

HOST     Thou’rt an emperor: Caesar, Kaiser⁶ and Pheazar. I will entertain Bardolph: he shall draw,⁷ he shall tap. Said I well, bully Hector?

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Do so, good mine host.

       

HOST

HOST     I have spoke. Let him follow.— To Bardolph Let me see thee froth⁹ and lime. I am at a word: follow.

       [Exit]

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Bardolph, follow him. A tapster¹¹ is a good trade. An old cloak makes a new jerkin:¹² a withered servingman a fresh tapster. Go, adieu.

       

BARDOLPH

BARDOLPH     It is a life that I have desired. I will thrive.

       [Exit Bardolph]

       

PISTOL

PISTOL     O base Hungarian wight,¹⁴ wilt thou the spigot wield?

       

NIM

NIM     He was gotten in drink.¹⁵ Is not the humour conceited?

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     I am glad I am so acquit¹⁶ of this tinderbox. His thefts were too open: his filching was like an unskilful singer, he kept not time.

       

NIM

NIM     The good humour¹⁸ is to steal at a minute’s rest.

       

PISTOL

PISTOL     ‘Convey’, the wise it call. ‘Steal?’ Foh! A fico¹⁹ for the phrase.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.²⁰

       

PISTOL

PISTOL     Why then, let kibes²¹ ensue.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     There is no remedy: I must cony-catch, I must shift.²²

       

PISTOL

PISTOL     Young ravens must have food.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Which of you know Ford of this town?

       

PISTOL

PISTOL     I ken the wight:²⁵ he is of substance good.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.²⁶

       

PISTOL

PISTOL     Two yards, and more.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     No quips now, Pistol! Indeed, I am in the waist two yards about, but I am now about no waste: I am about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to²⁹ Ford’s wife. I spy entertainment³⁰ in her: she discourses, she carves, she gives the leer of invitation. I can construe³¹ the action of her familiar style, and the hardest voice of her behaviour — to be Englished³² rightly — is, ‘I am Sir John Falstaff’s.’

       

PISTOL

PISTOL     He hath studied her will,³³ and translated her will, out of honesty, into English.

       

NIM

NIM     The³⁵ anchor is deep. Will that humour pass?

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her husband’s purse: he hath a legion of angels.³⁷

       

PISTOL

PISTOL     As³⁸ many devils entertain. And ‘To her, boy!’ say I.

       

NIM

NIM     The humour rises:³⁹ it is good. Humour me the angels.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     I have writ me⁴⁰ here a letter to her. Shows letters And here another to Page’s wife, who even now gave me good eyes too, examined my parts with most judicious oeillades.⁴² Sometimes the beam of her view gilded my foot, sometimes my portly belly.

       

PISTOL

PISTOL     Then did the sun on dunghill shine.

       

NIM

NIM     I thank thee for that humour.⁴⁵

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     O, she did so course⁴⁶ o’er my exteriors with such a greedy intention, that the appetite of her eye did seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass.⁴⁷ Here’s another letter to her. She bears the purse too: she is a region in Guiana,⁴⁸ all gold and bounty. I will be cheaters⁴⁹ to them both, and they shall be exchequers to me. They shall be my East and West Indies, and I will trade⁵⁰ to them both.— To Nim Go bear thou this letter to Mistress Page — and thou this to Mistress Ford. To Pistol We will thrive, lads, we will thrive.

       

PISTOL

PISTOL     Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy⁵³ become, And⁵⁴ by my side wear steel? Then Lucifer take all! Gives back the letter

       

NIM

NIM     I will run⁵⁵ no base humour. Here, take the humour-letter. Gives the letter back I will keep the ’haviour of reputation.⁵⁶

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly,⁵⁷ To Robin

               Sail like my pinnace⁵⁸ to these golden shores.

               Rogues, hence, avaunt!⁵⁹ Vanish like hailstones: go,

60

60           Trudge, plod away o’th’hoof,⁶⁰ seek shelter, pack!

               Falstaff will learn the humour⁶¹ of the age,

               French thrift,⁶² you rogues, myself and skirted page.

       [Exeunt Falstaff and Robin]

       

PISTOL

PISTOL     Let vultures gripe⁶³ thy guts! For gourd and fullam holds,

               And high and low⁶⁴ beguiles the rich and poor:

65

65           Tester⁶⁵ I’ll have in pouch when thou shalt lack,

               Base Phrygian Turk!⁶⁶

       

NIM

NIM     I have operations⁶⁷ which be humours of revenge.

       

PISTOL

PISTOL     Wilt thou revenge?

       

NIM

NIM     By welkin⁶⁹ and her star!

       

PISTOL

PISTOL     With wit or steel?⁷⁰

       

NIM

NIM     With both the humours,⁷¹ I. I will discuss the humour of this love to Ford.

       

PISTOL

PISTOL     And I to Page shall eke⁷² unfold How Falstaff, varlet vile, His dove will prove,⁷⁴ his gold will hold, And his soft couch defile.

       

NIM

NIM     My humour shall not cool. I will incense Ford to deal with poison. I will possess him with yellowness,⁷⁷ for the revolt of mine is dangerous. That is my true humour.

       

PISTOL

PISTOL     Thou art the Mars of malcontents.⁷⁹ I second thee, troop on.

       Exeunt

Act 1 Scene 4

running scene 4

---

       Enter Mistress Quickly, Simple and John Rugby

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY What, John Rugby! I pray thee go to the casement and see if you can see my master, Master Doctor Caius, coming. If he do, i’faith, and find anybody in the house, here will be an old³ abusing of God’s patience and the King’s English.

       

RUGBY

RUGBY     I’ll go watch.

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Go, and we’ll have a posset⁶ for’t soon at night, in faith, at the latter end of a sea-coal⁷ fire.— [Exit Rugby] An honest, willing, kind fellow, as ever servant shall come in house withal,⁸ and, I warrant you, no tell-tale nor no breed-bate. His worst fault is that he is given to prayer, he is something peevish⁹ that way, but nobody but has his fault. But let that pass. Peter Simple you say your name is?

       

SIMPLE

SIMPLE     Ay, for fault¹² of a better.

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY And Master Slender’s your master?

       

SIMPLE

SIMPLE     Ay, forsooth.

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Does he not wear a great round beard, like a glover’s¹⁵ paring-knife?

       

SIMPLE

SIMPLE     No, forsooth, he hath but a little wee face, with a little yellow beard: a Cain-coloured¹⁷ beard.

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY A softly-sprighted¹⁸ man, is he not?

       

SIMPLE

SIMPLE     Ay, forsooth, but he is as¹⁹ tall a man of his hands as any is between this and his head. He hath fought with a warrener.²⁰

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY How say you? O, I should remember him: does he not hold up his head, as it were, and strut in his gait?

       

SIMPLE

SIMPLE     Yes, indeed, does he.

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Well, heaven send Anne Page no worse fortune. Tell Master Parson Evans I will do what I can for your master. Anne is a good girl, and I wish—

       

RUGBY

RUGBY     Out, alas!²⁶ Here comes my master. Within

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY We shall all be shent.²⁷ Run in here, good young man, go into this To Simple closet.²⁸ Simple goes into the closet He will not stay long. What, John Rugby? John! What, John, I say?

       [Enter Rugby]

                  Go, John, go inquire for my master. I doubt²⁹ he be not well, that he comes not home.

       [Exit Rugby]

                  And³¹ down, down, adown-a, etc. She sings

       [Enter Caius]

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     Vat is you sing? I do not like des toys.³² Pray you, go and vetch me in my closet une boîtie en vert:³³ a box, a green-a box. Do intend vat I speak? A green-a box.

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Ay, forsooth, I’ll fetch it you.— Aside I am glad he went not in himself. If he had found the young man, he would have been horn-mad.³⁶ She goes into the closet

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     Fe, fe, fe, fe, ma³⁷ foi, il fait fort chaud. Je m’en vais voir à le Court la grande affaire.

       [Enter Mistress Quickly with a box]

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Is it this, sir?

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     Oui, mette-le au mon pocket. Dépêche,⁴⁰ quickly. Vere is dat knave Rugby?

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY What, John Rugby? John?

       [Enter Rugby]

       

RUGBY

RUGBY     Here, sir!

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     You are John Rugby, and you are Jack Rugby. Come, take-a your rapier, and come after my heel to the court.

       

RUGBY

RUGBY     ’Tis ready, sir, here in the porch.

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     By my trot,⁴⁶ I tarry too long. Od’s me, que ai-je oublié. Dere is some simples in my closet dat I vill not for the varld I shall leave behind. He goes into the closet

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Ay me, he’ll find the young man there and be mad.

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     O diable⁴⁹, diable! Vat is in my closet? Within Villain, larron! Rugby, my rapier! Pulls Simple out

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Good master, be content.

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     Wherefore shall I be content-a?

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY The young man is an honest man.

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     What shall de honest man do in my closet? Dere is no honest man dat shall come in my closet.

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY I beseech you be not so phlegmatic.⁵⁶ Hear the truth of it: he came of⁵⁷ an errand to me, from Parson Hugh.

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     Vell.

       

SIMPLE

SIMPLE     Ay, forsooth, to desire her to—

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Peace, I pray you.

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     Peace-a your tongue. Speak-a your tale. To Mistress Quickly/To Simple

       

SIMPLE

SIMPLE     To desire this honest gentlewoman, your maid, to speak a good word to Mistress Anne Page for my master in the way of marriage.

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY This is all, indeed, la! But I’ll ne’er⁶⁴ put my finger in the fire, and need not.

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     Sir Hugh send-a you? Rugby, baillez⁶⁶ me some paper. Tarry you a little-a while. Rugby brings paper. Caius writes

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY I am glad he is so quiet. Aside to Simple If he had been throughly moved, you should have heard him so loud and so melancholy.⁶⁹ But notwithstanding, man, I’ll do you⁷⁰ your master what good I can: and the very yea and the no is, the French doctor, my master — I may call him my master, look you, for I keep his house, and I wash, wring, brew, bake, scour, dress meat⁷² and drink, make the beds and do all myself—

       

SIMPLE

SIMPLE     ’Tis a great charge⁷⁴ to come under one body’s hand. Aside to Mistress Quickly

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Are you avised⁷⁵ o’that? Aside to Simple You shall find it a great charge, and to be up early and down late. But notwithstanding — to tell you in your ear, I⁷⁶ would have no words of it — my master himself is in love with Mistress Anne Page. But notwithstanding that, I know Anne’s mind — that’s neither here nor there.

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     You jack’nape,⁷⁹ give-a this letter to Sir Hugh. Gives a letter to Simple By gar, it is a shallenge. I will cut his troat in de park,⁸⁰ and I will teach a scurvy jack-a-nape priest to meddle or make.— To Simple You may be gone. It is not good you tarry here.— By gar, I will cut all his two stones.⁸² By gar, he shall not have a stone to throw at his dog.

       [Exit Simple]

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Alas, he speaks but for his friend.

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     It is no matter-a ver⁸⁴ dat: do not you tell-a me dat I shall have Anne Page for myself? By gar, I vill kill de Jack⁸⁵ priest: and I have appointed mine host of de Jarteer⁸⁶ to measure our weapon. By gar, I will myself have Anne Page.

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall be well. We must give folks leave to prate.⁸⁸ What the good-year!

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     Rugby, come to the court with me.— To Mistress Quickly By gar, if I have not Anne Page, I shall turn your head out of my door. Follow my heels, Rugby.

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY You shall have An—⁹¹

       [Exeunt Caius and Rugby]

                  fool’s-head of your own. No, I know Anne’s mind for that: never a woman in Windsor knows more of Anne’s mind than I do, nor can do more than I do with her, I thank heaven.

       

FENTON

FENTON     Who’s within there, ho? Within

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Who’s there, I trow?⁹⁶ Come near the house, I pray you.

       [Enter Fenton]

       

FENTON

FENTON     How now, good woman? How dost thou?

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY The better that it pleases your good worship to ask.

       

FENTON

FENTON     What news? How does pretty Mistress Anne?

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY In truth, sir, and she is pretty, and honest,¹⁰⁰ and gentle, and one that is your friend¹⁰¹ — I can tell you that by the way — I praise heaven for it.

       

FENTON

FENTON     Shall I do any good, thinkest thou? Shall I not lose my suit?

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Troth, sir, all is in his hands above: but notwithstanding, Master Fenton, I’ll be sworn on a book¹⁰⁴ she loves you. Have not your worship a wart above your eye?

       

FENTON

FENTON     Yes, marry, have I. What of that?

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Well, thereby hangs a tale: good faith, it¹⁰⁷ is such another Nan — but, I detest,¹⁰⁸ an honest maid as ever broke bread. We had an hour’s talk of that wart. I shall never laugh but in that maid’s company. But, indeed, she is given too much to allicholy¹¹⁰ and musing. But for you — well, go to—

       

FENTON

FENTON     Well, I shall see her today. Hold, there’s money for thee: let me have thy voice¹¹² in my behalf. If thou see’st her before me, commend me—

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Will I? I’faith, that we will. And I will tell your worship more of the wart the next time we have confidence,¹¹⁴ and of other wooers.

       

FENTON

FENTON     Well, farewell, I am in great haste now.

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Farewell to your worship.

       [Exit Fenton]

                  Truly, an honest gentleman. But Anne loves him not. For I know Anne’s mind as well as another does. Out upon’t,¹¹⁸ what have I forgot?

       Exit

Act 2 Scene 1

running scene 5

---

       Enter Mistress Page With a letter

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE What, have I scaped¹ love-letters in the holiday-time of my beauty, and am I now a subject for them? Let me see: Reads ‘Ask me no reason why I love you, for though Love use Reason for his precisian,³ he admits him not for his counsellor. You are not young, no more am I: go to then, there’s sympathy.⁴ You are merry, so am I: ha, ha, then there’s more sympathy. You love sack,⁵ and so do I: would you desire better sympathy? Let it suffice thee, Mistress Page, at the least if the love of soldier can suffice, that I love thee. I will not say, pity me — ’tis not a soldier-like phrase — but I say, love me. By me,

               Thine own true knight,

10

10           By day or night,

               Or any kind of light,

               With all his might

               For thee to fight,

                                    John Falstaff.’

                  What a Herod of Jewry¹⁵ is this? O wicked, wicked world! One that is well-nigh worn to pieces with age, to show himself a young gallant?¹⁶ What an unweighed behaviour hath this Flemish¹⁷ drunkard picked — with the devil’s name — out of my conversation, that he dares in this manner assay me? Why, he hath not been thrice in my company! What should I say¹⁹ to him? I was then frugal of my mirth — heaven forgive me! Why, I’ll exhibit a bill in the parliament for the putting down²¹ of men. How shall I be revenged on him? For revenged I will be, as sure as his guts are made of puddings.²²

       [Enter Mistress Ford]

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD Mistress Page, trust me,²³ I was going to your house.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE And, trust me, I was coming to you. You look very ill.²⁴

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD Nay, I’ll ne’er believe that; I have²⁵ to show to the contrary.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Faith, but you do, in my mind.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD Well, I do then: yet I say I could show you to the contrary. O Mistress Page, give me some counsel!

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE What’s the matter, woman?

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD O woman, if it were not for one trifling respect,³⁰ I could come to such honour!

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Hang the trifle, woman, take the honour. What is it? Dispense with trifles: what is it?

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD If I would but go to hell³⁴ for an eternal moment or so, I could be knighted.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE What? Thou liest! Sir Alice Ford? These knights will hack,³⁶ and so thou shouldst not alter the article³⁷ of thy gentry.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD We burn daylight.³⁸ Here, read, read. Gives letter to Mistress Page Perceive how I might be knighted. I shall think the worse of fat men, as long as I have an eye to make³⁹ difference of men’s liking. And yet he would not swear, praised women’s modesty, and gave such orderly and well-behaved reproof to all uncomeliness,⁴¹ that I would have sworn his disposition would have gone⁴² to the truth of his words. But they do no more adhere and keep place together than the hundred Psalms to the tune of ‘Greensleeves’.⁴⁴ What tempest, I trow, threw this whale — with so many tuns of oil in his belly — ashore at Windsor? How shall I be revenged on him? I think the best way were to entertain⁴⁶ him with hope, till the wicked fire of lust have melted him in his own grease. Did you ever hear the like?

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Letter for letter, but that the name of Page and Ford differs. To thy great comfort in this mystery of ill opinions,⁴⁹ here’s the twin-brother of thy letter. Shows her own letter But let thine inherit⁵⁰ first, for I protest mine never shall. I warrant he hath a thousand of these letters, writ with blank space for different names — sure, more — and these are of the second edition. He will print them, out of doubt, for he cares not what he puts into the press,⁵³ when he would put us two. I had rather be a giantess, and lie under Mount Pelion.⁵⁴ Well, I will find you twenty lascivious turtles⁵⁵ ere one chaste man.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD Why, this is the very same: the very hand,⁵⁶ the very words. Compares the two letters What doth he think of us?

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Nay, I know not. It makes me almost ready to wrangle⁵⁸ with mine own honesty. I’ll entertain⁵⁹ myself like one that I am not acquainted withal: for, sure, unless he know some strain⁶⁰ in me that I know not myself, he would never have boarded⁶¹ me in this fury.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD ‘Boarding’, call you it? I’ll be sure to keep him above deck.⁶²

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE So will I: if he come⁶³ under my hatches, I’ll never to sea again. Let’s be revenged on him. Let’s appoint him a meeting, give him a show of comfort⁶⁴ in his suit and lead him on with a fine-baited⁶⁵ delay, till he hath pawned his horses to mine host of the Garter.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD Nay, I will consent to act any villainy against him that may not sully the chariness⁶⁸ of our honesty. O, that my husband saw this letter! It would give eternal food to his jealousy.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Why, look where he comes, and my good man too: he’s as far from jealousy as I am from giving him cause, and that — I hope — is an unmeasurable distance.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD You are the happier woman.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Let’s consult together against this greasy knight. Come hither. They withdraw

       [Enter Ford with Pistol, and Page with Nim]

       

FORD

FORD     Well, I hope it be not so.

       

PISTOL

PISTOL     Hope is a curtal⁷⁶ dog in some affairs. Sir John affects⁷⁷ thy wife.

       

FORD

FORD     Why, sir, my wife is not young.

       

PISTOL

PISTOL     He woos both high and low, both rich and poor,

80

80           Both young and old, one with another, Ford.

               He loves the gallimaufry,⁸¹ Ford, perpend.

       

FORD

FORD     Love my wife?

       

PISTOL

PISTOL     With liver⁸³ burning hot. Prevent,

               Or go thou like Sir Actaeon,⁸⁴ he

85

85           With Ringwood⁸⁵ at thy heels.

               O, odious is the name!⁸⁶

       

FORD

FORD     What name, sir?

       

PISTOL

PISTOL     The horn, I say. Farewell.

               Take heed, have open eye, for thieves do foot⁸⁹ by night.

90

90           Take heed, ere summer comes, or cuckoo-birds⁹⁰ do sing.

               Away,⁹¹ Sir Corporal Nim!

               Believe it, Page, he speaks sense.

       [Exit]

       

FORD

FORD     I will be patient. I will find out this. Aside

       

NIM

NIM     And this is true, I like not the humour of lying. To Page He hath wronged me in some humours: I should have borne⁹⁵ the humoured letter to her, but I have a sword, and it shall bite upon my necessity.⁹⁶ He loves your wife: there’s the short and the long. My name is Corporal Nim. I speak and I avouch ’tis true: my name is Nim, and Falstaff loves your wife. Adieu. I love not the humour of bread and cheese.⁹⁸ Adieu.

       [Exit]

       

PAGE

PAGE     ‘The humour of it’, quoth a!¹⁰⁰ Here’s a fellow frights English out of his wits.

       

FORD

FORD     I will seek out Falstaff.

       

PAGE

PAGE     I never heard such a drawling, affecting¹⁰² rogue.

       

FORD

FORD     If I do find it¹⁰³ — well.

       

PAGE

PAGE     I will not believe such a Cataian,¹⁰⁴ though the priest o’th’town commended him for a true man.

       

FORD

FORD     ’Twas a good sensible fellow — well.

       

PAGE

PAGE     How now, Meg? Mistress Page and Mistress

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Whither go you, George? Hark you. Ford come forward

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD How now, sweet Frank, why art thou melancholy?

       

FORD

FORD     I melancholy? I am not melancholy. Get you home, go.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD Faith, thou hast some crotchets¹¹¹ in thy head now.— Will you go, Mistress Page?

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Have with you.¹¹³— You’ll come to dinner, George?— Look who comes yonder: she shall be our messenger to this paltry knight. Aside to Mistress Ford

       [Enter Mistress Quickly]

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD Trust me, I thought on her: she’ll fit it.¹¹⁵ Aside to Mistress Page

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE You are come to see my daughter Anne?

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Ay, forsooth, and I pray how does good Mistress Anne?

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Go in with us and see. We have an hour’s talk with you.

       [Exeunt Mistress Page, Mistress Ford and Mistress Quickly]

       

PAGE

PAGE     How now, Master Ford?

       

FORD

FORD     You heard what this knave told me, did you not?

       

PAGE

PAGE     Yes, and you heard what the other told me?

       

FORD

FORD     Do you think there is truth in them?

       

PAGE

PAGE     Hang ’em, slaves! I do not think the knight would offer¹²³ it. But these that accuse him in his intent towards our wives are a yoke¹²⁴ of his discarded men: very rogues, now they be out of service.

       

FORD

FORD     Were they his men?

       

PAGE

PAGE     Marry, were they.

       

FORD

FORD     I like it never the better for that. Does he lie¹²⁸ at the Garter?

       

PAGE

PAGE     Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voyage¹²⁹ toward my wife, I would turn her loose to him, and what he gets more of her than sharp words, let it lie on my¹³¹ head.

       

FORD

FORD     I do not misdoubt¹³² my wife, but I would be loath to turn them together. A man may be too confident. I would have nothing lie on my head. I cannot be thus satisfied.

       

PAGE

PAGE     Look where my ranting¹³⁵ host of the Garter comes: there is either liquor in his pate¹³⁶ or money in his purse, when he looks so merrily.

       [Enter Host]

                  How now, mine host?

       

HOST

HOST     How now, bully-rook? Thou’rt a gentleman.

       [Enter Shallow]

                  Cavaliero¹³⁹ Justice, I say!

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     I follow, mine host, I follow. Good¹⁴⁰ even and twenty, good Master Page. Master Page, will you go with us? We have sport in hand.

       

HOST

HOST     Tell him, Cavaliero Justice: tell him, bully-rook.

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     Sir, there is a fray to be fought between Sir Hugh the Welsh priest and Caius the French doctor.

       

FORD

FORD     Good mine host o’th’Garter, a word with you. They speak apart

       

HOST

HOST     What sayst thou, my bully-rook?

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     Will you go with us to behold it? To Page My merry host hath had the measuring of their weapons, and, I think, hath appointed them contrary¹⁴⁸ places, for, believe me, I hear the parson is no jester.¹⁴⁹ They speak apart Hark, I will tell you what our sport shall be.

       

HOST

HOST     Hast thou no suit against my¹⁵⁰ knight, my guest-cavalier?

       

FORD

FORD     None, I protest.¹⁵¹ But I’ll give you a pottle of burned sack to give me recourse to him, and tell him my name is Broom, only for a jest.

       

HOST

HOST     My hand, bully. Thou shalt have egress and regress¹⁵³ — said I well? — and thy name shall be Broom. It is a merry knight.— To Shallow and Page Will you go, An-heires?¹⁵⁴

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     Have with you, mine host.

       

PAGE

PAGE     I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill in his rapier.

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     Tut, sir, I could have told you more. In these times you stand on distance:¹⁵⁷ your passes, stoccadoes,¹⁵⁸ and I know not what. ’Tis the heart, Master Page, ’tis here, ’tis here. I have seen the time, with my long sword,¹⁵⁹ I would have made you four tall¹⁶⁰ fellows skip like rats.

       

HOST

HOST     Here, boys, here, here! Shall we wag?¹⁶¹

       

PAGE

PAGE     Have with you. I had rather hear them scold¹⁶² than fight.

       [Exeunt Host, Shallow and Page]

       

FORD

FORD     Though Page be a secure¹⁶³ fool, and stands so firmly on his wife’s frailty, yet I cannot put off my opinion so easily. She was in his¹⁶⁴ company at Page’s house, and what they made¹⁶⁵ there I know not. Well, I will look further into’t, and I have a disguise to sound¹⁶⁶ Falstaff. If I find her honest, I lose not my labour: if she be otherwise, ’tis labour well bestowed.

       Exit

Act 2 Scene 2

running scene 6

---

       Enter Falstaff [and] Pistol

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     I will not lend thee a penny.

       

PISTOL

PISTOL     Why, then the world’s mine oyster, which I with sword will open.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you should lay my countenance to pawn.³ I have grated upon⁴ my good friends for three reprieves for you and your coach-fellow⁵ Nim, or else you had looked through the grate, like a gemini of baboons. I am damned in hell for swearing to gentlemen my friends you were good soldiers and tall fellows. And when Mistress Bridget lost the handle⁷ of her fan, I took’t upon⁸ mine honour thou hadst it not.

       

PISTOL

PISTOL     Didst not thou share?⁹ Hadst thou not fifteen pence?

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Reason,¹⁰ you rogue, reason. Think’st thou I’ll endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang¹¹ no more about me, I am no gibbet for you. Go — a short knife and a throng — to your manor of Picked-hatch,¹² go! You’ll not bear a letter for me, you rogue. You stand upon your honour. Why, thou unconfinable¹³ baseness, it is as much as I can do to keep the terms of my honour precise.¹⁴ Ay, ay, I myself sometimes, leaving the fear of heaven on¹⁵ the left hand, and hiding mine honour in my necessity, am fain¹⁶ to shuffle, to hedge and to lurch: and yet, you rogue, will ensconce¹⁷ your rags, your cat-a-mountain looks, your red-lattice phrases, and your bold-beating¹⁸ oaths, under the shelter of your honour? You will not do it? You?

       

PISTOL

PISTOL     I do relent.²⁰ What would thou more of man?

       [Enter Robin]

       

ROBIN

ROBIN     Sir, here’s a woman would speak with you.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Let her approach.

       [Enter Mistress Quickly]

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Give²³ your worship good morrow.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Good morrow, good wife.

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Not so,²⁵ an’t please your worship.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Good maid, then.

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY That I am, I’ll be sworn,

               As my mother was the first hour I was born.²⁸

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     I do believe the swearer. What with me?

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two?

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Two thousand, fair woman, and I’ll vouchsafe³¹ thee the hearing.

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY There is one Mistress Ford, sir — I pray come a little nearer this ways³³ — I myself dwell with master Doctor Caius—

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Well, on.³⁴ Mistress Ford, you say—

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Your worship says very true. I pray your worship come a little nearer this ways.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     I warrant thee nobody hears. Gestures toward Pistol and Robin Mine own people, mine own people.

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Are they so? Heaven bless them, and make them his servants.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Well, Mistress Ford: what of her?

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Why, sir, she’s a good creature. Lord, lord, your worship’s a wanton!⁴¹ Well, heaven forgive you, and all of us, I pray—

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Mistress Ford, come, Mistress Ford.

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Marry, this is the short and the long of it: you have brought her into such a canaries⁴⁴ as ’tis wonderful. The best courtier of them all — when the court lay at Windsor — could never have brought her to such a canary. Yet there has been knights, and lords, and gentlemen, with their coaches, I warrant you — coach after coach, letter after letter, gift after gift, smelling so sweetly, all musk, and so rushling,⁴⁸ I warrant you, in silk and gold, and in such alligant terms, and in such wine and sugar of the best and the fairest that would have won any woman’s heart: and, I warrant you, they could never get an eye-wink of⁵⁰ her. I had myself twenty angels⁵¹ given me this morning, but I defy all angels — in any such sort,⁵² as they say — but in the way of honesty: and, I warrant you, they could never get her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of them all. And yet there has been earls, nay, which is more, pensioners,⁵⁴ but, I warrant you, all is one with her.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     But what says she to me? Be brief, my good she-Mercury.⁵⁶

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Marry, she hath received your letter, for the which she thanks you a thousand times; and she gives you to notify⁵⁸ that her husband will be absence from his house between ten and eleven.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Ten and eleven.

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Ay, forsooth, and then you may come and see the picture, she says, that you wot⁶² of. Master Ford, her husband, will be from home. Alas, the sweet woman leads an ill life with him: he’s a very jealousy man. She leads a very frampold⁶⁴ life with him, good heart.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to her. I will not fail her.

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Why, you say well. But I have another messenger⁶⁶ to your worship. Mistress Page hath her hearty commendations to you too: and let me tell you in your ear, she’s as fartuous⁶⁸ a civil modest wife, and one, I tell you, that will not miss you⁶⁹ morning nor evening prayer, as any is in Windsor, whoe’er be the other: and she bade me tell your worship that her husband is seldom from home, but she hopes there will come a time. I never knew a woman so dote upon a man. Surely I think you have charms,⁷² la. Yes, in truth.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Not I, I assure thee. Setting the attraction of my good parts⁷³ aside, I have no other charms.

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Blessing on your heart for’t!

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     But I pray thee tell me this: has Ford’s wife and Page’s wife acquainted each other how they love me?

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY That were a jest indeed! They have not so little grace,⁷⁸ I hope — that were a trick indeed! But Mistress Page would desire you to send her your little page, of all loves.⁸⁰ Her husband has a marvellous infection to the little page, and truly Master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in Windsor leads a better life than she does: do what she will, say what she will, take all, pay all, go to bed when she list,⁸³ rise when she list, all is as she will, and truly she deserves it, for if there be a kind⁸⁴ woman in Windsor, she is one. You must send her your page, no remedy.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Why, I will.

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Nay, but do so, then, and, look you, he may come and go between you both: and in any case have a nay-word,⁸⁸ that you may know one another’s mind, and the boy never need to understand anything, for ’tis not good that children should know any wickedness. Old folks, you know, have discretion, as they say, and know the world.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Fare thee well, commend me to them both. There’s my purse: I am yet thy debtor.— Boy, go along with this woman. [Exeunt Mistress Quickly and Robin] This news distracts⁹⁴ me.

95

95   

PISTOL

PISTOL           This punk⁹⁵ is one of Cupid’s carriers.

               Clap⁹⁶ on more sails, pursue, up with your fights,

               Give fire. She is my prize,⁹⁷ or ocean whelm them all!

       [Exit]

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Say’st⁹⁸ thou so, old Jack? Go thy ways: I’ll make more of thy old body than I have done. Will they yet look after⁹⁹ thee? Wilt thou, after the expense of so much money, be now a gainer? Good body, I thank thee. Let them say ’tis grossly¹⁰⁰ done, so¹⁰¹ it be fairly done, no matter.

       [Enter Bardolph, with a goblet]

       

BARDOLPH

BARDOLPH     Sir John, there’s one Master Broom below would fain¹⁰² speak with you and be acquainted with you, and hath sent your worship a morning’s draught of sack.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Broom is his name?

       

BARDOLPH

BARDOLPH     Ay, sir.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Call him in.

       [Exit Bardolph]

                  Such Brooms are welcome to me, that o’erflows such liquor. Aha, Mistress Ford and Mistress Page, have I encompassed¹⁰⁸ you? Go to, via!

       [Enter Bardolph, with Ford disguised, carrying a bag of money]

       

FORD

FORD     Bless you, sir.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     And you, sir. Would you speak with me?

       

FORD

FORD     I make bold¹¹¹ to press with so little preparation upon you.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     You’re welcome. What’s your will? Give us leave,¹¹² drawer.

       [Exit Bardolph]

       

FORD

FORD     Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much: my name is Broom.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Good Master Broom, I desire more acquaintance of you.

       

FORD

FORD     Good Sir John, I sue¹¹⁵ for yours: not to charge you, for I must let you understand I think myself in better plight¹¹⁶ for a lender than you are, the which hath something emboldened me to this unseasoned¹¹⁷ intrusion. For they say, if money go before, all ways do lie open.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on.¹¹⁹

       

FORD

FORD     Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me. Sets it down If you will help to bear it, Sir John, take all, or half, for easing me of the carriage.¹²¹

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter.

       

FORD

FORD     I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Speak, good Master Broom: I shall be glad to be your servant.

       

FORD

FORD     Sir, I hear you are a scholar — I will be brief with you — and you have been a man long known to me, though I had never so good means as desire to make myself acquainted with you. I shall discover¹²⁷ a thing to you, wherein I must very much lay open mine own imperfection. But, good Sir John, as you have one eye upon my follies, as you hear them unfolded, turn another into the register¹²⁹ of your own, that I may pass with a reproof the easier, sith¹³⁰ you yourself know how easy it is to be such an offender.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Very well, sir, proceed.

       

FORD

FORD     There is a gentlewoman in this town, her husband’s name is Ford.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Well, sir.

       

FORD

FORD     I have long loved her, and, I protest to you, bestowed much on her: followed her with a doting observance,¹³⁶ engrossed opportunities to meet her, fee’d every slight occasion that could but niggardly give me sight of her: not only bought many presents to give her, but have given largely¹³⁸ to many to know what she would have given.¹³⁹ Briefly, I have pursued her as love hath pursued me, which hath been on the wing of all occasions. But whatsoever I have merited, either in my mind or in my means,¹⁴¹ meed I am sure I have received none, unless experience be a jewel that I have purchased at an infinite rate, and that hath taught me to say this:

               ‘Love like a shadow flies¹⁴⁴ when substance love pursues,

145

145         Pursuing that that flies,¹⁴⁵ and flying what pursues.’

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Have you received no promise of satisfaction¹⁴⁶ at her hands?

       

FORD

FORD     Never.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Have you importuned¹⁴⁸ her to such a purpose?

       

FORD

FORD     Never.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Of what quality was your love, then?

       

FORD

FORD     Like a fair house built on another man’s ground, so that I have lost my edifice by mistaking the place where I erected¹⁵² it.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     To what purpose have you unfolded this to me?

       

FORD

FORD     When I have told you that, I have told you all. Some say that though she appear honest¹⁵⁵ to me, yet in other places she enlargeth her mirth so far that there is shrewd construction¹⁵⁶ made of her. Now, Sir John, here is the heart of my purpose: you are a gentleman of excellent breeding, admirable discourse, of great admittance,¹⁵⁷ authentic¹⁵⁸ in your place and person, generally allowed for your many war-like, court-like and learned preparations.¹⁵⁹

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     O, sir!

       

FORD

FORD     Believe it, for you know it. Points to the bag There is money: spend it, spend it, spend more, spend all I have, only give me so much of your time in exchange of it, as to lay an amiable¹⁶³ siege to the honesty of this Ford’s wife. Use your art of wooing, win her to consent to you. If any man may, you may as soon as any.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Would it apply well to¹⁶⁵ the vehemency of your affection that I should win what you would enjoy? Methinks you prescribe to yourself very preposterously.¹⁶⁶

       

FORD

FORD     O, understand my drift:¹⁶⁷ she dwells so securely on the excellency of her honour that the folly¹⁶⁸ of my soul dares not present itself. She is too bright to be looked against.¹⁶⁹ Now, could I come to her with any detection in my hand, my desires had instance¹⁷⁰ and argument to commend themselves: I could drive her then from the ward¹⁷¹ of her purity, her reputation, her marriage-vow, and a thousand other¹⁷² her defences, which now are too too strongly embattled against me. What say you to’t, Sir John?

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Master Broom, I will first make bold with your money. Takes the bag Next, give me your hand. And last, as I am a gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford’s wife.

       

FORD

FORD     O, good sir!

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     I say you shall.

       

FORD

FORD     Want¹⁷⁸ no money, Sir John: you shall want none.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Want no Mistress Ford, Master Broom, you shall want none. I shall be with her, I may tell you, by her own appointment. Even as you came in to me, her assistant or go-between parted from me. I say I shall be with her between ten and eleven, for at that time the jealous rascally knave her husband will be forth.¹⁸² Come you to me at night: you shall know how I speed.¹⁸³

       

FORD

FORD     I am blest in your acquaintance. Do you know Ford, sir?

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave, I know him not. Yet I wrong him to call him poor: they say the jealous wittolly¹⁸⁶ knave hath masses of money, for the which his wife seems to me well-favoured.¹⁸⁷ I will use her as the key of the cuckoldly rogue’s coffer, and there’s my harvest-home.¹⁸⁸

       

FORD

FORD     I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might avoid him if you saw him.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Hang him, mechanical¹⁹⁰ salt-butter rogue! I will stare him out of his wits, I will awe him with my cudgel. It shall hang like a meteor¹⁹¹ o’er the cuckold’s horns. Master Broom, thou shalt know I will predominate¹⁹² over the peasant, and thou shalt lie with his wife. Come to me soon at night. Ford’s a knave, and I will aggravate his style.¹⁹⁴ Thou, Master Broom, shalt know him for knave and cuckold. Come to me soon at night.

       [Exit]

       

FORD

FORD     What a damned Epicurean¹⁹⁶ rascal is this? My heart is ready to crack with impatience. Who says this is improvident¹⁹⁷ jealousy? My wife hath sent to him, the hour is fixed, the match is made. Would any man have thought this? See the hell of having a false¹⁹⁹ woman: my bed shall be abused, my coffers ransacked, my reputation gnawn at, and I shall not only receive this villainous wrong, but stand²⁰⁰ under the adoption of abominable terms, and by him that does me this wrong. Terms, names! Amaimon²⁰² sounds well: Lucifer, well: Barbason, well: yet they are devils’ additions,²⁰³ the names of fiends. But Cuckold? Wittol? Cuckold? The devil himself hath not such a name. Page is an ass, a secure²⁰⁴ ass. He will trust his wife, he will not be jealous. I will rather trust a Fleming²⁰⁵ with my butter, Parson Hugh the Welshman with my cheese, an Irishman with my aqua-vitae²⁰⁶ bottle, or a thief to walk²⁰⁷ my ambling gelding, than my wife with herself. Then she plots, then she ruminates, then she devises: and what they think in their hearts they may effect — they will break their hearts but they will effect. Heaven be praised for my jealousy! Eleven o’clock the hour. I will prevent this, detect my wife, be revenged on Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I will about it. Better three hours too soon than a minute too late. Fie, fie, fie! Cuckold, cuckold, cuckold!

       Exit

Act 2 Scene 3

running scene 7

---

       Enter Caius and Rugby

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     Jack Rugby!

       

RUGBY

RUGBY     Sir?

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     Vat is the clock, Jack?

       

RUGBY

RUGBY     ’Tis past the hour, sir, that Sir Hugh promised to meet.

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     By gar, he has save his soul, dat he is no come. He has pray his Pible well, dat he is no come. By gar, Jack Rugby, he is dead already, if he be come.

       

RUGBY

RUGBY     He is wise, sir. He knew your worship would kill him, if he came.

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     By gar, de herring is no⁸ dead, so as I vill kill him. Draws Take your rapier, Jack. I vill tell you how I vill kill him.

       

RUGBY

RUGBY     Alas, sir, I cannot fence.

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     Villainy,¹¹ take your rapier.

       

RUGBY

RUGBY     Forbear. Here’s company. Caius sheathes his sword

       [Enter Host, Shallow, Slender and Page]

       

HOST

HOST     Bless thee, bully doctor.

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     ’Save¹⁴ you, Master Doctor Caius.

       

PAGE

PAGE     Now, good master doctor.

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     Give you good morrow, sir.

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     Vat be all you, one, two, tree, four, come for?

       

HOST

HOST     To see thee fight, to see thee foin,¹⁸ to see thee traverse, to see thee here, to see thee there, to see thee pass thy punto, thy stock,¹⁹ thy reverse, thy distance, thy montant.²⁰ Is he dead, my Ethiopian? Is he dead, my Francisco? Ha, bully! What says my Aesculapius,²¹ my Galen, my heart of elder? Ha? Is he dead, bully stale? Is he dead?

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     By gar, he is de coward Jack-priest of de vorld. He is not show his face.

       

HOST

HOST     Thou art a Castalion²⁴ king-urinal. Hector of Greece, my boy!

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     I pray you bear witness that me have stay, six or seven, two, tree hours for him, and he is no come.

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     He is the wiser man, Master Doctor: he is a curer of souls, and you a curer of bodies. If you should fight, you go against the hair²⁸ of your professions. Is it not true, Master Page?

       

PAGE

PAGE     Master Shallow, you have yourself been a great fighter, though now a man of peace.

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     Bodykins,³² Master Page, though I now be old and of the peace, if I see a sword out, my finger itches to make one.³³ Though we are justices and doctors and churchmen, Master Page, we have some salt³⁴ of our youth in us. We are the sons of women, Master Page.

       

PAGE

PAGE     ’Tis true, Master Shallow.

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     It will be found so, Master Page.— Master Doctor Caius, I am come to fetch you home. I am sworn of the peace. You have showed yourself a wise physician, and Sir Hugh hath shown himself a wise and patient churchman. You must go with me, Master Doctor.

       

HOST

HOST     Pardon, guest-justice.⁴¹ A word, Monsieur Mockwater.

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     Mock-vater? Vat is dat?

       

HOST

HOST     Mockwater, in our English tongue, is valour, bully.

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     By gar, then I have as much mock-vater as de Englishman. Scurvy Jack-dog⁴⁴ priest! By gar, me vill cut his ears.

       

HOST

HOST     He will clapper-claw⁴⁶ thee tightly, bully.

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     Clapper-de-claw? Vat is dat?

       

HOST

HOST     That is, he will make thee amends.

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     By gar, me do look he shall clapper-de-claw me, for, by gar, me vill have it.

       

HOST

HOST     And I will provoke him to’t, or let him wag.

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     Me tank you for dat.

       

HOST

HOST     And, moreover, bully— Speaks aside with Shallow, Page and Slender but first, Master guest, and Master Page, and eke Cavaliero Slender, go you through the town to Frogmore.⁵⁴

       

PAGE

PAGE     Sir Hugh is there, is he?

       

HOST

HOST     He is there. See what humour he is in. And I will bring the doctor about by the fields. Will it do well?

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     We will do it.

       

PAGE, SHALLOW and SLENDER

PAGE, SHALLOW and SLENDER  Adieu, Good Master Doctor.

       [Exeunt Page, Shallow and Slender]

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     By gar, me vill kill de priest, for he speak for a jack-an-ape⁶⁰ to Anne Page.

       

HOST

HOST     Let him die. Sheathe thy impatience, throw cold water on thy choler. Go about the fields with me through Frogmore. I will bring thee where Mistress Anne Page is, at a farmhouse a-feasting, and thou shalt woo her. Cried game,⁶³ said I well?

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     By gar, me dank you vor dat. By gar, I love you, and I shall procure-a you de good guest: de earl, de knight, de lords, de gentlemen, my patients.

       

HOST

HOST     For the which I will be thy adversary⁶⁷ toward Anne Page. Said I well?

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     By gar, ’tis good, vell said.

       

HOST

HOST     Let us wag, then.

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     Come at my heels, Jack Rugby.

       Exeunt

Act 3 Scene 1

running scene 8

---

       Enter Evans and Simple Evans with a sword in one hand and a book in the other

       Simple carrying Evans’ gown

       

EVANS

EVANS     I pray you now, good master Slender’s serving-man, and friend Simple by your name, which way have you looked for Master Caius, that calls himself doctor of physic?³

       

SIMPLE

SIMPLE     Marry, sir, the Petty-ward,⁴ the Park-ward, every way: Old Windsor way, and every way but the town way.

       

EVANS

EVANS     I most fehemently desire you, you will also look that way.

       

SIMPLE

SIMPLE     I will, sir. Steps aside and keeps watch

       

EVANS

EVANS     Pless my soul, how full of chollors⁸ I am, and trempling of mind! I shall be glad if he have deceived me. How melancholies I am! I will knog⁹ his urinals about his knave’s costard¹⁰ when I have good opportunities for the ’ork. Pless my soul!

                                    To shallow rivers,¹² to whose falls Sings

                                    Melodious birds sings madrigals.¹³

                                    There will we make our peds of roses,

15

15                                And a thousand fragrant posies.

                                    To shallow—

                  Mercy on me! I have a great dispositions to cry.

                                    Melodious birds sing madrigals. Sings

                                    When¹⁹ as I sat in Pabylon

20

20                                — And a thousand vagram²⁰ posies.

                                    To shallow, etc.

       

SIMPLE

SIMPLE     Yonder he²² is coming, this way, Sir Hugh.

       

EVANS

EVANS     He’s welcome.

                                    To shallow rivers, to whose falls— Sings

                  Heaven prosper the right! What weapons is he?

       

SIMPLE

SIMPLE     No weapons,²⁶ sir. There comes my master, Master Shallow, and another gentleman, from Frogmore, over the stile, this way.

       Enter Page, Shallow and Slender

       

EVANS

EVANS     Pray you give me my gown, or else keep it in your arms. Reads his Bible

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     How now, Master Parson? Good morrow, good Sir Hugh. Keep a gamester from the dice, and a good student from his book, and it is wonderful.

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     Ah, sweet Anne Page! Aside?

       

PAGE

PAGE     ’Save you, good Sir Hugh!

       

EVANS

EVANS     ’Pless you from³³ his mercy sake, all of you!

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     What, the sword³⁴ and the word? Do you study them both, Master Parson?

       

PAGE

PAGE     And youthful still: in your doublet and hose,³⁵ this raw rheumatic day?

       

EVANS

EVANS     There is reasons and causes for it.

       

PAGE

PAGE     We are come to you to do a good office, Master Parson.

       

EVANS

EVANS     Fery well: what is it?

       

PAGE

PAGE     Yonder is a most reverend gentleman, who, belike,³⁹ having received wrong by some person, is at most odds⁴⁰ with his own gravity and patience that ever you saw.

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     I have lived fourscore⁴² years and upward: I never heard a man of his place, gravity and learning so wide⁴³ of his own respect.

       

EVANS

EVANS     What is he?

       

PAGE

PAGE     I think you know him: Master Doctor Caius, the renowned French physician.

       

EVANS

EVANS     Got’s will, and his passion of my heart, I had as lief⁴⁷ you would tell me of a mess of porridge.⁴⁸

       

PAGE

PAGE     Why?

       

EVANS

EVANS     He has no more knowledge in Hibocrates⁵⁰ and Galen, and he is a knave besides — a cowardly⁵¹ knave as you would desires to be acquainted withal.

       

PAGE

PAGE     I warrant you, he’s⁵² the man should fight with him. To Shallow

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     O sweet Anne Page! Aside?

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     It appears so by his weapons. Keep them asunder: here comes Doctor Caius.

       [Enter Host, Caius and Rugby] Evans and Caius prepare to fight

       

PAGE

PAGE     Nay, good Master Parson, keep in your weapon.

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     So do you, good Master Doctor.

       

HOST

HOST     Disarm them, and let them question.⁵⁸ Shallow and Page take their swords Let them keep their limbs whole and hack our English.⁵⁹

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     I pray you, let-a me speak a word with your ear. Vherefore vill you not meet-a me?

       

EVANS

EVANS     Pray you, use your patience.— Aside to Caius/Aloud In good time.

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog, John ape.

       

EVANS

EVANS     Pray you, let us not be laughing-stocks to other men’s humours. Aside to Caius I desire you in friendship, and I will one way or other make you amends.— I will knog your urinal about your knave’s coxcomb.⁶⁶ Aloud

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     Diable! Jack Rugby, mine host de Jarteer, have I not stay⁶⁷ for him to kill him? Have I not, at de place I did appoint?

       

EVANS

EVANS     As I am a Christians soul, now look you, this is the place appointed, I’ll be judgement by⁷⁰ mine host of the Garter.

       

HOST

HOST     Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaul,⁷¹ French and Welsh, soul-curer and body-curer!

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     Ay, dat is very good, excellent.

       

HOST

HOST     Peace, I say. Hear mine host of the Garter. Am I politic?⁷⁴ Am I subtle? Am I a Machiavel?⁷⁵ Shall I lose my doctor? No, he gives me the potions and the motions.⁷⁶ Shall I lose my parson? My priest? My Sir Hugh? No, he gives me the proverbs and the no-verbs.⁷⁷ To Caius/To Evans Give me thy hand, terrestrial, so. Give me thy hand, celestial,⁷⁸ so. Boys of art, I have deceived you both: I have directed you to wrong places. Your hearts are mighty, your skins are whole, and let burned sack be the issue.⁸⁰— To Page and Shallow Come, lay their swords to pawn.— Follow me, lads of peace, follow, follow, follow.

       [Exit] To Caius and Evans

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     Trust me, a mad host. Follow, gentlemen, follow.

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     O sweet Anne Page! Aside?

       [Exeunt Shallow, Slender and Page]

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     Ha, do I perceive dat? Have you make-a de sot⁸⁴ of us, ha, ha?

       

EVANS

EVANS     This is well, he has made us his vlouting-stog.⁸⁵ I desire you that we may be friends, and let us knog our prains together to be revenge on this same scall,⁸⁶ scurvy cogging companion,⁸⁷ the host of the Garter.

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     By gar, with all my heart. He promise to bring me where is Anne Page: by gar, he deceive me too.

       

EVANS

EVANS     Well, I will smite his noddles.⁹⁰ Pray you, follow.

       [Exeunt]

Act 3 Scene 2

running scene 9

---

       Enter Robin [followed by] Mistress Page

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Nay, keep your way,¹ little gallant. You were wont to be a follower, but now you are a leader. Whether² had you rather lead mine eyes, or eye your master’s heels?

       

ROBIN

ROBIN     I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a man than follow him like a dwarf.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE O, you are a flattering boy. Now I see you’ll be a courtier.

       [Enter Ford]

       

FORD

FORD     Well met, Mistress Page. Whither go you?

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Truly, sir, to see your wife. Is she at home?

       

FORD

FORD     Ay, and as⁹ idle as she may hang together, for want of company. I think, if your husbands were dead, you two would marry.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Be sure of that — two other husbands.

       

FORD

FORD     Where had you this pretty weather-cock?

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE I cannot tell what the dickens his¹³ name is my husband had him of. What do you call your knight’s name, sirrah?

       

ROBIN

ROBIN     Sir John Falstaff.

       

FORD

FORD     Sir John Falstaff?

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE He, he. I can never hit on’s name. There is such a league¹⁷ between my good man and he. Is your wife at home indeed?

       

FORD

FORD     Indeed she is.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE By your leave, sir, I am sick till I see her.

       [Exeunt Mistress Page and Robin]

       

FORD

FORD     Has Page any brains? Hath he any eyes? Hath he any thinking? Sure they sleep, he hath no use of them. Why, this boy will carry a letter twenty mile as easy as a cannon will shoot point-blank twelvescore.²³ He pieces out his wife’s inclination, he gives her folly²⁴ motion and advantage. And now she’s going to my wife, and Falstaff’s boy with her. A man may hear²⁵ this shower sing in the wind. And Falstaff’s boy with her. Good plots, they are laid, and our revolted²⁶ wives share damnation together. Well, I will take him,²⁷ then torture my wife, pluck the borrowed veil of modesty from the so-seeming Mistress Page, divulge²⁸ Page himself for a secure and wilful²⁹ Actaeon, and to these violent proceedings all my neighbours shall cry aim.³⁰ A clock strikes The clock gives me my cue, and my assurance bids me search: there I shall find Falstaff. I shall be rather praised for this than mocked, for it is as positive as the earth is firm that Falstaff is there. I will go.

       [Enter Page, Shallow, Slender, Host, Evans, Caius and Rugby]

       

SHALLOW, PAGE and OTHERS

SHALLOW, PAGE and OTHERS Well met, Master Ford.

       

FORD

FORD     Trust me, a good knot.³⁴ I have good cheer at home, and I pray you all go with me.

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     I must excuse myself, Master Ford.

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     And so must I, sir. We have appointed to dine with Mistress Anne, and I would not break with³⁸ her for more money than I’ll speak of.

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     We have lingered about a match between Anne Page and my cousin Slender, and this day we shall have our answer.

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     I hope I have your good will, father Page.

       

PAGE

PAGE     You have, Master Slender, I stand wholly for you. But my wife, Master Doctor, is for you altogether.

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     Ay, be-gar, and de maid is love-a me. My nursh-a Quickly tell me so mush.

       

HOST

HOST     What say you to young Master Fenton? To Page He capers,⁴⁶ he dances, he has eyes of youth, he writes verses, he speaks holiday,⁴⁷ he smells April and May. He will carry’t,⁴⁸ he will carry’t, ’tis in his buttons, he will carry’t.

       

PAGE

PAGE     Not by my consent, I promise you. The gentleman is of no having:⁴⁹ he kept company with the wild⁵⁰ prince and Poins. He is of too high a region, he knows too much. No, he shall not knit a knot⁵¹ in his fortunes with the finger of my substance. If he take her, let him take her simply:⁵² the wealth I have waits on my consent, and my consent goes not that way.

       

FORD

FORD     I beseech you heartily, some of you go home with me to dinner. Besides your cheer, you shall have sport: I will show you a monster.⁵⁵ Master Doctor, you shall go, so shall you, Master Page, and you, Sir Hugh.

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     Well, fare you well.— Aside to Slender We shall have the freer wooing at Master Page’s. [Exeunt Shallow and Slender]

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     Go home, John Rugby, I come anon.⁵⁹ [Exit Rugby]

       

HOST

HOST     Farewell, my hearts.⁶⁰ I will to my honest knight Falstaff, and drink canary with him. [Exit]

       

FORD

FORD     I think I shall drink in pipe wine⁶² first with him. Aside I’ll make him dance.— Will you go, gentles?⁶³ Aloud

       

ALL

ALL     Have with⁶⁴ you to see this monster.

       Exeunt

Act 3 Scene 3

running scene 10

---

       Enter Mistress Ford and Mistress Page

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD What, John? What, Robert?

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Quickly, quickly! Is the buck-basket²—

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD I warrant. What, Robin, I say!

       [Enter John and Robert with a laundry basket]

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Come, come, come.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD Here, set it down.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Give your men the charge,⁶ we must be brief.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD Marry, as I told you before, John and Robert, be ready here hard⁷ by in the brew-house,⁸ and when I suddenly call you, come forth, and without any pause or staggering take this basket on your shoulders: that done, trudge with it in all haste, and carry it among the whitsters¹⁰ in Datchet Mead, and there empty it in the muddy ditch close by the Thames side.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE You will do it? To John and Robert

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD I ha’ told them over and over, they lack no direction. Be gone, and come when you are called.

       [Exeunt John and Robert]

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Here comes little Robin.

       [Enter Robin]

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD How now, my eyas-musket?¹⁶ What news with you?

       

ROBIN

ROBIN     My master, Sir John, is come in at your back-door, Mistress Ford, and requests your company.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE You little Jack-a-Lent,¹⁹ have you been true to us?

       

ROBIN

ROBIN     Ay, I’ll be sworn. My master knows not of your being here and hath threatened to put me into everlasting liberty²¹ if I tell you of it: for he swears he’ll turn me away.²²

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Thou’rt a good boy. This secrecy of thine shall be a tailor to thee, and shall make thee a new doublet and hose. I’ll go hide me.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD Do so.— To Robin Go tell thy master I am alone.

       [Exit Robin]

                  Mistress Page, remember you your cue.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE I warrant thee: if I do not act it, hiss me.

       [Exit]

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD Go to, then. We’ll use this unwholesome humidity,²⁸ this gross watery pumpion.²⁹ We’ll teach him to know turtles from jays.

       [Enter Falstaff]

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Have³⁰ I caught thee, my heavenly jewel? Why, now let me die, for I have lived long enough: this is the period³¹ of my ambition. O this blessèd hour!

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD O sweet Sir John!

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Mistress Ford, I cannot cog,³³ I cannot prate, Mistress Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish: I would thy husband were dead. I’ll speak it before the best lord. I would make thee my lady.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD I your lady, Sir John? Alas, I should be a pitiful lady!

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Let the court of France show me such another. I see how thine eye would emulate the diamond: thou hast the right arched beauty of the brow that becomes the ship-tire,³⁹ the tire-valiant, or any tire of Venetian admittance.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD A plain kerchief,⁴⁰ Sir John: my brows become nothing else, nor that well neither.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Thou art a tyrant to say so: thou wouldst make an absolute⁴² courtier, and the firm⁴³ fixture of thy foot would give an excellent motion to thy gait in a semi-circled farthingale. I see what thou wert if Fortune⁴⁴ thy foe were not, Nature thy friend. Come, thou canst not hide it.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD Believe me, there’s no such thing in me.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     What made me love thee? Let that persuade thee there’s something extraordinary in thee. Come, I cannot cog and say thou art this and that, like a many of these lisping hawthorn-buds⁴⁹ that come like women in men’s apparel and smell like Bucklersbury⁵⁰ in simple time. I cannot. But I love thee, none but thee — and thou deservest it.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD Do not betray me, sir. I fear you love Mistress Page.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Thou mightst as well say I love to walk by the Counter-gate,⁵³ which is as hateful to me as the reek⁵⁴ of a lime-kiln.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD Well, heaven knows how I love you, and you shall one day find it.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Keep in that mind, I’ll deserve it.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD Nay, I must tell you, so you do, or else I could not be in that mind.

       

ROBIN

ROBIN     Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford, Speaks within or enters here’s Mistress Page at the door, sweating and blowing⁵⁹ and looking wildly, and would needs speak with you presently.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     She shall not see me: Falstaff hides himself I will ensconce me⁶⁰ behind the arras.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD Pray you, do so: she’s a very tattling woman.

       [Enter Mistress Page] Robin may enter here

                  What’s the matter? How now?

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE O Mistress Ford, what have you done? You’re shamed, you’re overthrown, you’re undone⁶⁴ forever!

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD What’s the matter, good Mistress Page?

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE O, well-a-day,⁶⁶ Mistress Ford, having an honest man to your husband, to give him such cause of suspicion!

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD What cause of suspicion?

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE What cause of suspicion? Out upon you!⁶⁹ How am I mistook in you?

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD Why, alas, what’s the matter?

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Your husband’s coming hither, woman, with all the officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman that he says is here now in the house by your consent, to take an ill advantage of his absence. You are undone.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD ’Tis not so, I hope.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Pray heaven it be not so, that you have such a man here! But ’tis most certain your husband’s coming, with half Windsor at his heels, to search for such a one. I come before to tell you. If you know yourself clear,⁷⁷ why, I am glad of it: but if you have a friend⁷⁸ here, convey, convey him out. Be not amazed, call all your senses to you, defend your reputation, or bid farewell to your good life⁷⁹ forever.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD What shall I do? There is a gentleman my dear friend — and I fear not mine own shame so much as his peril. I had rather than a thousand pound he were out of the house.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE For shame, never stand⁸⁴ ‘you had rather’ and ‘you had rather’. Your husband’s here at hand! Bethink you of some conveyance⁸⁵ — in the house you cannot hide him. O, how have you deceived me? Look, here is a basket. If he be of any reasonable stature, he may creep in here, and throw foul linen upon him, as if it were going to bucking. Or — it is whiting-time⁸⁸ — send him by your two men to Datchet Mead.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD He’s too big to go in there. What shall I do?

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Let me see’t, let me see’t, O, let me see’t! I’ll in, I’ll in. Comes out of hiding Follow your friend’s counsel. I’ll in.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE What, Sir John Falstaff? Aside to Falstaff Are these your letters, knight?

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     I love thee. Help me away. Gets into the basket. They cover him with foul linen/To Robin Let me creep in here. I’ll never—

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Help to cover your master, boy.— Call your men, Mistress Ford.— To Falstaff You dissembling⁹⁶ knight!

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD What, John! Robert! John!

       [Exit Robin]

       [Enter John and Robert]

                  Go take up these clothes here quickly. They attempt to fit the cowl-staff⁹⁸ Where’s the cowl-staff? Look, how you drumble!⁹⁹ Carry them to the laundress in Datchet Mead. Quickly, come.

       [Enter Ford, Page, Caius and Evans]

       

FORD

FORD     Pray you, come near. To Page, Caius and Evans If I suspect without cause, why then make sport at me, then let me be your jest, I deserve it. How now? Whither bear you this?

       

JOHN

JOHN     To the laundress, forsooth.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD Why, what¹⁰³ have you to do whither they bear it? You were best meddle with buck-washing.

       

FORD

FORD     Buck?¹⁰⁵ I would I could wash myself of the buck! Buck, buck, buck! Ay, buck! I warrant you, buck — and of the season¹⁰⁶ too, it shall appear.

       [Exeunt John and Robert with the basket]

                  Gentlemen, I have dreamed tonight.¹⁰⁷ I’ll tell you my dream. Here, here, here be my keys: ascend my chambers,¹⁰⁸ search, seek, find out. I’ll warrant we’ll unkennel the fox. Locks the door Let me stop this way first. So, now uncape.¹⁰⁹

       

PAGE

PAGE     Good Master Ford, be contented.¹¹⁰ You wrong yourself too much.

       

FORD

FORD     True, Master Page. Up, gentlemen. You shall see sport anon. Follow me, gentlemen.

       [Exit]

       

EVANS

EVANS     This is fery fantastical humours and jealousies.

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     By gar, ’tis no the fashion of France: it is not jealous in France.

       

PAGE

PAGE     Nay, follow him, gentlemen. See the issue of his search.

       [Exeunt Page, Caius and Evans]

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Is there not a double excellency in this?

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD I know not which pleases me better, that my husband is deceived, or Sir John.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE What a taking¹¹⁹ was he in, when your husband asked who was in the basket!

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD I am half afraid he will have need of washing,¹²¹ so throwing him into the water will do him a benefit.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Hang him, dishonest rascal! I would all of the same strain¹²³ were in the same distress.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD I think my husband hath some special suspicion of Falstaff’s being here, for I never saw him so gross in his jealousy till now.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE I will lay a plot to try¹²⁷ that, and we will yet have more tricks with Falstaff: his dissolute disease will scarce obey this medicine.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD Shall we send that foolish carrion,¹²⁹ Mistress Quickly, to him, and excuse his throwing into the water, and give him another hope, to betray him to another punishment?

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE We will do it: let him be sent for tomorrow eight o’clock to have amends.

       [Enter Ford, Page, Caius and Evans]

       

FORD

FORD     I cannot find him. Maybe the knave bragged of that he could not compass.¹³⁵

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Heard you that? Aside to Mistress Ford

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD You use¹³⁷ me well, Master Ford, do you?

       

FORD

FORD     Ay, I do so.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD Heaven make you better than your thoughts!

       

FORD

FORD     Amen!

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE You do yourself mighty wrong, Master Ford.

       

FORD

FORD     Ay, ay, I must bear it.

       

EVANS

EVANS     If there be any pody in the house, and in the chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses,¹⁴⁴ heaven forgive my sins at the day of judgement.

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     By gar, nor I too. There is no bodies.

       

PAGE

PAGE     Fie, fie, Master Ford, are you not ashamed? What spirit, what devil suggests this imagination? I would not ha’ your distemper¹⁴⁷ in this kind for the wealth of Windsor Castle.

       

FORD

FORD     ’Tis my fault, Master Page. I suffer for it.

       

EVANS

EVANS     You suffer for a pad conscience: your wife is as¹⁵⁰ honest a ’omans as I will desires among five thousand, and five hundred too.

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     By gar, I see ’tis an honest woman.

       

FORD

FORD     Well, I promised you a dinner. Come, come, walk in the park, I pray you pardon me. I will hereafter make known to you why I have done this. Come, wife, come, Mistress Page. I pray you pardon me. Pray heartily pardon me.

       

PAGE

PAGE     Let’s go in, gentlemen, but trust me, we’ll mock him.— To Caius and Evans I do invite you tomorrow morning to my house to breakfast. To Ford, Caius and Evans After, we’ll a-birding¹⁵⁸ together, I have a fine hawk for the bush. Shall it be so?

       

FORD

FORD     Anything.

       

EVANS

EVANS     If there is one, I shall make two in the company.

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     If there be one or two, I shall make-a the turd.

       

FORD

FORD     Pray you, go, Master Page.

       [Exeunt all but Evans and Caius?]

       

EVANS

EVANS     I pray you now remembrance¹⁶³ tomorrow on the lousy knave, mine host.

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     Dat is good, by gar, with all my heart.

       

EVANS

EVANS     A lousy knave, to have his gibes and his mockeries.

       Exeunt

Act 3 Scene 4

running scene 11

---

       Enter Fenton [and] Anne

       

FENTON

FENTON     I see I cannot get thy father’s love,

               Therefore no more turn² me to him, sweet Nan.

       

ANNE

ANNE     Alas, how then?

       

FENTON

FENTON     Why, thou must be thyself.⁴

5

5             He doth object I am too great of birth,

               And that, my state⁶ being galled with my expense,

               I seek to heal it only by his wealth.

               Besides these, other bars⁸ he lays before me:

               My riots⁹ past, my wild societies,

10

10           And tells me ’tis a thing impossible

               I should love thee but as a property.

       

ANNE

ANNE     Maybe he tells you true.

       

FENTON

FENTON     No, heaven so speed¹³ me in my time to come!

               Albeit I will confess thy father’s wealth

15

15           Was the first motive that I wooed thee, Anne,

               Yet, wooing thee, I found thee of more value

               Than stamps¹⁷ in gold or sums in sealèd bags.

               And ’tis the very riches of thyself

               That now I aim at.

20

20   

ANNE

ANNE           Gentle Master Fenton,

               Yet seek my father’s love, still seek it, sir.

               If opportunity and humblest suit

               Cannot attain it, why, then — hark you hither! They speak apart

       [Enter Shallow, Slender and Mistress Quickly]

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     Break²⁴ their talk, Mistress Quickly. My kinsman shall speak for himself.

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     I’ll²⁵ make a shaft or a bolt on’t. ’Slid, ’tis but venturing.

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     Be not dismayed.²⁶

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     No, she shall not dismay me: I care not for that, but that I am afeard.

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Hark ye, Master Slender would speak a word with you.

       

ANNE

ANNE     I come to him.— This is my father’s choice. Aside to Fenton O, what a world of vile ill-favoured³⁰ faults Looks handsome in three hundred pounds a year!

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY And how does good Master Fenton? They speak apart Pray you, a word with you.

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     She’s coming. To her, coz. O boy, thou³³ hadst a father!

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     I had a father, Mistress Anne: my uncle can tell you good jests of him. Pray you, uncle, tell Mistress Anne the jest how my father stole two geese out of a pen, good uncle.

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     Mistress Anne, my cousin loves you.

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     Ay, that I do, as well as I love any woman in Gloucestershire.

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     He will maintain you like a gentlewoman.

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     Ay, that I will, come⁴⁰ cut and long-tail, under the degree of a squire.

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     He will make you a hundred and fifty pounds jointure.⁴¹

       

ANNE

ANNE     Good Master Shallow, let him woo for himself.

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     Marry, I thank you for it: I thank you for that good comfort. She calls you, coz. I’ll leave you. Stands aside

       

ANNE

ANNE     Now, Master Slender.

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     Now, good Mistress Anne.

       

ANNE

ANNE     What is your will?⁴⁷

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     My will? ’Od’s heartlings,⁴⁸ that’s a pretty jest indeed! I ne’er made my will yet, I thank heaven. I am not such a sickly creature, I give heaven praise.

       

ANNE

ANNE     I mean, Master Slender, what would you with me?

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     Truly, for mine own part, I would little or nothing with you. Your father and my uncle hath made motions.⁵² If it be my luck, so; if not, happy man be his dole. They can tell you how things go better than I can. You may ask your father, here he comes.

       [Enter Page and Mistress Page]

55

55   

PAGE

PAGE           Now, Master Slender — love him, daughter Anne.—

               Why, how now? What does Master Fenton here?

               You wrong me, sir, thus still to haunt⁵⁷ my house:

               I told you, sir, my daughter is disposed of.

       

FENTON

FENTON     Nay, Master Page, be not impatient.

60

60   

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Good Master Fenton, come not to my child.

       

PAGE

PAGE     She is no match for you.

       

FENTON

FENTON     Sir, will you hear me?

       

PAGE

PAGE     No, good Master Fenton.—

               Come, Master Shallow. Come, son Slender, in.—

65

65           Knowing my mind, you wrong me, Master Fenton.

       [Exeunt Page, Shallow and Slender]

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Speak to Mistress Page.

       

FENTON

FENTON     Good Mistress Page, for that⁶⁷ I love your daughter

               In such a righteous fashion as I do,

               Perforce,⁶⁹ against all checks, rebukes and manners,

70

70           I must advance the colours⁷⁰ of my love

               And not retire. Let me have your good will.

       

ANNE

ANNE     Good mother, do not marry me to yond⁷² fool.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE I mean it not, I seek you a better husband.

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY That’s my master, Master Doctor.

75

75   

ANNE

ANNE     Alas, I had rather be set quick⁷⁵ i’th’earth,

               And bowled to death with turnips!

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Come, trouble not yourself. Good Master Fenton,

               I will not be your friend nor enemy:

               My daughter will I question how she loves you,

80

80           And as I find her, so am I affected.⁸⁰

               Till then, farewell, sir. She must needs go in,

               Her father will be angry.

       

FENTON

FENTON     Farewell, gentle mistress.— Farewell, Nan.

       [Exeunt Mistress Page and Anne]

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY This is my doing, now. ‘Nay,’ said I, ‘will you cast away your child on a fool, and a physician? Look on Master Fenton.’ This is my doing.

       

FENTON

FENTON     I thank thee, and I pray thee once⁸⁶ tonight, Give my sweet Nan this ring. Gives her a ring and money There’s⁸⁷ for thy pains.

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Now heaven send thee good fortune.

       [Exit Fenton]

                  A kind heart he hath. A woman would run through fire and water for such a kind heart. But yet I would my master had Mistress Anne, or I would Master Slender had her: or, in sooth,⁹¹ I would Master Fenton had her. I will do what I can for them all three, for so I have promised, and I’ll be as good as my word — but speciously⁹³ for Master Fenton. Well, I must of another errand to Sir John Falstaff from my two mistresses. What a beast am I to slack it!

       Exit

Act 3 Scene 5

running scene 12

---

       Enter Falstaff

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Bardolph, I say!

       [Enter Bardolph]

       

BARDOLPH

BARDOLPH     Here, sir.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Go fetch me a quart³ of sack: put a toast in’t.

       [Exit Bardolph]

                  Have I lived to be carried in a basket like a barrow⁴ of butcher’s offal, and to be thrown in the Thames? Well, if I be served such another trick, I’ll have my brains ta’en out and buttered, and give them to a dog for a new-year’s gift. The rogues slighted me⁷ into the river with as little remorse as they would have drowned a blind bitch’s puppies,⁸ fifteen i’th’litter. And you may know by my size that I have a kind of alacrity in sinking: if the bottom were as deep as hell, I should down.⁹ I had been drowned, but that the shore was shelvy¹⁰ and shallow — a death that I abhor, for the water swells a man — and what a thing should I have been when I had been swelled? I should have been a mountain of mummy.¹²

       [Enter Bardolph with sack]

       

BARDOLPH

BARDOLPH     Here’s Mistress Quickly, sir, to speak with you.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Come. let me pour in some sack to the Thames water, for my belly’s as cold as if I had swallowed snowballs for pills to cool the reins.¹⁵ Call her in.

       

BARDOLPH

BARDOLPH     Come in, woman.

       [Enter Mistress Quickly]

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY By your leave, I cry you mercy!¹⁷ Give your worship good morrow.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Take away these chalices. To Bardolph Go, brew me a pottle¹⁸ of sack finely.

       

BARDOLPH

BARDOLPH     With eggs, sir?

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Simple²⁰ of itself. I’ll no pullet-sperm in my brewage.— How now?

       [Exit Bardolph]

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Marry, sir, I come to your worship from Mistress Ford.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Mistress Ford? I have had ford enough. I was thrown into the ford, I have my belly full of ford.²⁴

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Alas the day, good heart, that was not her fault. She does so take on with²⁵ her men: they mistook their erection.²⁶

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     So did I mine, to build upon a foolish woman’s promise.

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it would yearn²⁸ your heart to see it. Her husband goes this morning a-birding. She desires you once more to come to her between eight and nine. I must carry her word quickly. She’ll make you amends, I warrant you.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Well, I will visit her. Tell her so, and bid her think what a man is. Let her consider his frailty,³³ and then judge of my merit.

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY I will tell her.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Do so. Between nine and ten, say’st thou?

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Eight and nine, sir.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Well, be gone. I will not miss³⁷ her.

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Peace be with you, sir.

       [Exit]

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     I marvel I hear not of Master Broom. He sent me word to stay within. I like his money well. O, here he comes.

       [Enter Ford, disguised as Broom]

       

FORD

FORD     Bless you, sir!

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Now, Master Broom, you come to know what hath passed between me and Ford’s wife.

       

FORD

FORD     That indeed, Sir John, is my business.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Master Broom, I will not lie to you: I was at her house the hour she appointed me.

       

FORD

FORD     And sped you,⁴⁷ sir?

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Very ill-favouredly,⁴⁸ Master Broom.

       

FORD

FORD     How so, sir? Did she change her determination?⁴⁹

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     No, Master Broom, but the peaking cornuto⁵⁰ her husband, Master Broom, dwelling in a continual ’larum⁵¹ of jealousy, comes me in the instant of our encounter, after we had embraced, kissed, protested,⁵² and, as it were, spoke the prologue of our comedy: and at his heels a rabble of his companions, thither provoked and instigated by his distemper, and, forsooth, to search his house for his wife’s love.

       

FORD

FORD     What, while you were there?

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     While I was there.

       

FORD

FORD     And did he search for you, and could not find you?

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     You shall hear. As good luck would have it, comes in one Mistress Page, gives intelligence of Ford’s approach: and, in her invention and Ford’s wife’s distraction, they conveyed me into a buck-basket.

       

FORD

FORD     A buck-basket?

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Yes, a buck-basket! Rammed⁶² me in with foul shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings, greasy napkins, that,⁶³ Master Broom, there was the rankest compound of villainous smell that ever offended nostril.

       

FORD

FORD     And how long lay you there?

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Nay, you shall hear, Master Broom, what I have suffered to bring this woman to evil for your good. Being thus crammed in the basket, a couple of Ford’s knaves, his hinds,⁶⁸ were called forth by their mistress to carry me in the name of foul clothes to Datchet Lane: they took me on their shoulders, met the jealous knave their master in the door, who asked them once or twice what they had in their basket. I quaked for fear, lest the lunatic knave would have searched it, but fate, ordaining he should be a cuckold, held⁷² his hand. Well, on went he for a search, and away went I for foul clothes. But mark⁷³ the sequel, Master Broom. I suffered the pangs of three several⁷⁴ deaths: first, an intolerable fright, to be detected with⁷⁵ a jealous rotten bell-wether: next, to be compassed, like a good bilbo in the circumference of a peck,⁷⁶ hilt to point, heel to head, and then, to be stopped in like a strong distillation⁷⁷ with stinking clothes that fretted in their own grease. Think of that, a man of my kidney,⁷⁸ think of that — that am as subject to heat as butter — a man of continual dissolution⁷⁹ and thaw: it was a miracle to scape suffocation. And in the height of this bath, when I was more than half stewed in grease like a Dutch dish,⁸¹ to be thrown into the Thames, and cooled, glowing hot, in that surge, like a horse-shoe. Think of that — hissing hot — think of that, Master Broom.

       

FORD

FORD     In good sadness,⁸⁴ sir, I am sorry that for my sake you have suffered all this. My suit then is desperate. You’ll undertake her no more?

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Master Broom, I will be thrown into Etna,⁸⁶ as I have been into Thames, ere I will leave her thus. Her husband is this morning gone a-birding. I have received from her another embassy⁸⁸ of meeting: ’twixt eight and nine is the hour, Master Broom.

       

FORD

FORD     ’Tis past eight already, sir.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Is it? I will then address me to my appointment. Come to me at your convenient leisure, and you shall know how I speed. And the conclusion shall be crowned with your enjoying her. Adieu. You shall have her, Master Broom. Master Broom, you shall cuckold Ford.

       [Exit]

       

FORD

FORD     Hum! Ha! Is this a vision? Is this a dream? Do I sleep? Master Ford awake, awake, Master Ford! There’s a hole⁹⁶ made in your best coat, Master Ford. This ’tis to be married, this ’tis to have linen and buck-baskets. Well, I will proclaim myself what I am. I will now take the lecher. He is at my house. He cannot scape me, ’tis impossible he should. He cannot creep into a halfpenny purse,⁹⁹ nor into a pepper-box. But, lest the devil that guides him should aid him, I will search impossible places. Though what I am¹⁰¹ I cannot avoid, yet to be what I would not shall not make me tame. If I have horns to make one mad, let the proverb go with me: I’ll be horn-mad.¹⁰²

       Exit

Act 4 Scene 1

running scene 13

---

       Enter Mistress Page, Mistress Quickly [and] William

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Is he at Master Ford’s already, think’st thou?

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Sure he is by this,² or will be presently. But truly he is very courageous³ mad about his throwing into the water. Mistress Ford desires you to come suddenly.⁴

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE I’ll be with her by and by. I’ll but bring my young man here to school. Look where his master comes. ’Tis a playing-day,⁶ I see.

       [Enter Evans]

                  How now, Sir Hugh, no school today?

       

EVANS

EVANS     No, Master Slender is⁸ let the boys leave to play.

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Blessing of his heart!

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Sir Hugh, my husband says my son profits nothing in the world at his book. I pray you, ask him some questions in his accidence.¹¹

       

EVANS

EVANS     Come hither, William. Hold up your head. Come.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Come on, sirrah, hold up your head. Answer your master, be not afraid.

       

EVANS

EVANS     William, how many numbers is in nouns?

       

WILLIAM PAGE

WILLIAM PAGE Two.¹⁵

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Truly, I thought there had been one number more, because they say, ‘Od’s nouns’.¹⁷

       

EVANS

EVANS     Peace your tattlings!¹⁸ What is ‘fair’, William?

       

WILLIAM PAGE

WILLIAM PAGE Pulcher.

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Polecats?²⁰ There are fairer things than polecats, sure.

       

EVANS

EVANS     You are a very simplicity ’oman. I pray you peace. What is lapis, William?

       

WILLIAM PAGE

WILLIAM PAGE A stone.

       

EVANS

EVANS     And what is ‘a stone’, William?

       

WILLIAM PAGE

WILLIAM PAGE A pebble.

       

EVANS

EVANS     No, it is lapis. I pray you, remember in your prain.

       

WILLIAM PAGE

WILLIAM PAGE Lapis.

       

EVANS

EVANS     That is a good William. What is he, William, that does lend articles?²⁷

       

WILLIAM PAGE

WILLIAM PAGE Articles²⁸ are borrowed of the pronoun, and be thus declined: Singulariter²⁹, nominativo, hic, haec, hoc.

       

EVANS

EVANS     Nominativo, hig, hag, hog, pray you mark: genitivo³⁰, huius. Well, what is your accusative case?

       

WILLIAM PAGE

WILLIAM PAGE Accusativo, hinc³²— Faltering

       

EVANS

EVANS     I pray you, have your remembrance, child, accusativo, hing, hang, hog.³³

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY ‘Hang-hog’³⁴ is Latin for bacon, I warrant you.

       

EVANS

EVANS     Leave your prabbles,³⁵ ’oman. What is the focative case, William?

       

WILLIAM PAGE

WILLIAM PAGE O,³⁶ — vocativo, O.

       

EVANS

EVANS     Remember, William, focative is caret³⁷.

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY And that’s a good root.

       

EVANS

EVANS     ’Oman, forbear.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Peace!

       

EVANS

EVANS     What is your genitive case plural, William?

       

WILLIAM PAGE

WILLIAM PAGE Genitive case?

       

EVANS

EVANS     Ay.

       

WILLIAM PAGE

WILLIAM PAGE Genitive: horum⁴⁴, harum, horum.

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Vengeance of⁴⁵ Ginny’s case, fie on her! Never name her, child, if she be a whore.

       

EVANS

EVANS     For shame, ’oman.

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY You do ill to teach the child such words: he teaches him to hick⁴⁸ and to hack, which they’ll do fast enough of themselves, and to call ‘horum’ — fie upon you!

       

EVANS

EVANS     ’Oman, art thou lunatics? Hast thou no understandings for thy cases and the numbers of the genders? Thou art as foolish Christian creatures as I would desires.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Prithee, hold thy peace. To Mistress Quickly

       

EVANS

EVANS     Show me now, William, some declensions⁵⁴ of your pronouns.

       

WILLIAM PAGE

WILLIAM PAGE Forsooth, I have forgot.

       

EVANS

EVANS     It is qui, quae, quod. If you forget your quies, your quaes, and your quods, you must be preeches.⁵⁷ Go your ways, and play, go.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE He is a better scholar than I thought he was.

       

EVANS

EVANS     He is a good sprag⁵⁹ memory. Farewell, Mistress Page.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Adieu, good Sir Hugh.

       [Exit Evans]

                  Get you home, boy. Come, we stay too long.

       Exeunt

Act 4 Scene 2

running scene 14

---

       Enter Falstaff [and] Mistress Ford The basket is brought out

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up my sufferance.¹ I see you are obsequious² in your love, and I profess requital to a hair’s breadth, not only, Mistress Ford, in the simple office³ of love, but in all the accoutrement, complement⁴ and ceremony of it. But are you sure of your husband now?

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD He’s a-birding, sweet Sir John.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE What, ho, gossip⁶ Ford! What, ho! Within

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD Step into th’chamber, Sir John.

       [Exit Falstaff]

       [Enter Mistress Page]

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE How now, sweetheart, who’s at home besides yourself?

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD Why, none but mine own people.⁹

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Indeed?

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD No, certainly.— Speak louder. Whispers to her

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Truly, I am so glad you have nobody here.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD Why?

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Why, woman, your husband is in his old lines¹⁴ again: he so takes on yonder with my husband, so rails against all married mankind, so curses all Eve’s daughters of what complexion¹⁶ soever, and so buffets himself on the forehead, crying, ‘Peer out,¹⁷ peer out!’, that any madness I ever yet beheld seemed but tameness, civility and patience to¹⁸ this his distemper he is in now. I am glad the fat knight is not here.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD Why, does he talk of him?

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Of none but him, and swears he was carried out, the last time he searched for him, in a basket: protests to my husband he is now here, and hath drawn him and the rest of their company from their sport to make another experiment²⁴ of his suspicion. But I am glad the knight is not here: now he shall see his own foolery.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD How near is he, Mistress Page?

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Hard by, at street end. He will be here anon.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD I am undone. The knight is here.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Why then you are utterly shamed, and he’s but a dead man. What a woman are you? Away with him, away with him! Better shame than murder.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD Which way should he go? How should I bestow³¹ him? Shall I put him into the basket again?

       [Enter Falstaff]

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     No, I’ll come no more i’th’basket. May I not go out ere he come?

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Alas, three of Master Ford’s brothers watch the door with pistols, that none shall issue out: otherwise you might slip away ere he came. But what make you³⁵ here?

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     What shall I do? I’ll creep up into the chimney.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD There they always use³⁸ to discharge their birding-pieces. Creep into the kiln-hole.³⁹

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Where is it?

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD He will seek there, on my word. Neither press, coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he hath an abstract⁴² for the remembrance of such places, and goes to them by his note: there is no hiding you in the house.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     I’ll go out then.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE If you go out in your own semblance,⁴⁵ you die, Sir John — unless you go out disguised.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD How might we disguise him?

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Alas the day, I know not. There is no woman’s gown big enough for him: otherwise he might put on a hat, a muffler⁴⁹ and a kerchief, and so escape.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Good hearts, devise something: any extremity rather than a mischief.⁵⁰

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD My maid’s aunt, the fat woman of Brentford,⁵¹ has a gown above.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE On my word, it will serve him: she’s as big as he is — and there’s her thrummed⁵³ hat and her muffler too. Run up, Sir John.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD Go, go, sweet Sir John. Mistress Page and I will look⁵⁴ some linen for your head.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Quick, quick! We’ll come dress you straight:⁵⁶ put on the gown the while.

       [Exit Falstaff]

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD I would my husband would meet him in this shape.⁵⁸ He cannot abide the old woman of Brentford; he swears she’s a witch, forbade her my house and hath threatened to beat her.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Heaven guide him to thy husband’s cudgel, and the devil guide his cudgel afterwards!

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD But is my husband coming?

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Ay, in good sadness⁶⁴ is he, and talks of the basket too, howsoever he hath had intelligence.⁶⁵

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD We’ll try⁶⁶ that, for I’ll appoint my men to carry the basket again, to meet him at the door with it, as they did last time.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Nay, but he’ll be here presently. Let’s go dress him like the witch of Brentford.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD I’ll first direct my men what they shall do with the basket. Go up, I’ll bring linen for him straight.

       [Exit]

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Hang him, dishonest⁷² varlet! We cannot misuse him enough.

               We’ll leave a proof, by that which we will do,

               Wives may be merry, and yet honest⁷⁴ too.

75

75           We do not act⁷⁵ that often jest and laugh,

               ’Tis old but true: still⁷⁶ swine eat all the draff.

       [Exit]

       [Enter Mistress Ford with John and Robert]

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD Go, sirs, take the basket again on your shoulders. Your master is hard at⁷⁷ door. If he bid you set it down, obey him. Quickly, dispatch.⁷⁸

       [Exit]

       

JOHN

JOHN     Come, come, take it up.

       

ROBERT

ROBERT     Pray heaven it be not full of knight again.

       

JOHN

JOHN     I hope not, I had as lief⁸¹ bear so much lead. John and Robert lift the basket

       [Enter Ford, Page, Shallow, Caius and Evans]

       

FORD

FORD     Ay,⁸² but if it prove true, Master Page, have you any way then to unfool me again?— Set down the basket, villain. John and Robert set down the basket Somebody call my wife. Youth in a basket! O, you panderly⁸⁴ rascals, there’s a knot, a gin,⁸⁵ a pack, a conspiracy against me. Now shall the devil be shamed. What, wife, I say! Come, come forth. Behold what honest clothes you send forth to bleaching.

       

PAGE

PAGE     Why, this passes,⁸⁸ Master Ford. You are not to go loose any longer, you must be pinioned.⁸⁹

       

EVANS

EVANS     Why, this is lunatics, this is mad as a mad dog!

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     Indeed, Master Ford, this is not well indeed.

       

FORD

FORD     So say I too, sir.

       [Enter Mistress Ford]

                  Come hither, Mistress Ford — Mistress Ford the honest woman, the modest wife, the virtuous creature, that hath the jealous fool to her husband. I suspect without cause, mistress, do I?

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD Heaven be my witness you do, if you suspect me in any dishonesty.

       

FORD

FORD     Well said, brazen-face, hold it out!⁹⁷ Come forth, sirrah! Pulls clothes out of the basket

       

PAGE

PAGE     This passes.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD Are you not ashamed? Let the clothes alone.

       

FORD

FORD     I shall find you anon.

       

EVANS

EVANS     ’Tis unreasonable. Will you take up your wife’s clothes? Come away.

       

FORD

FORD     Empty the basket, I say! To John and Robert

       

PAGE

PAGE     Why, man, why?

       

FORD

FORD     Master Page, as I am a man, there was one conveyed out of my house yesterday in this basket. Why may not he be there again? In my house I am sure he is. To John and Robert My intelligence is true, my jealousy is reasonable. Pluck me out all the linen.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD If you find a man there, he shall die a flea’s death.¹⁰⁷ John and Robert empty the basket

       

PAGE

PAGE     Here’s no man.

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     By my fidelity,¹⁰⁹ this is not well, Master Ford. This wrongs you.

       

EVANS

EVANS     Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow the imaginations of your own heart. This is jealousies.

       

FORD

FORD     Well, he’s not here I seek for.

       

PAGE

PAGE     No, nor nowhere else but in your brain.

       

FORD

FORD     Help to search my house this one time. If I find not what I seek, show¹¹⁴ no colour for my extremity, let me forever be your table-sport.¹¹⁵ Let them say of me, ‘As jealous as Ford, that searched a hollow walnut for his wife’s leman.’¹¹⁶ Satisfy me once more, once more search with me. John and Robert refill the basket and exeunt with it

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD What, ho, Mistress Page, come you and the old woman down. My husband will come into the chamber.

       

FORD

FORD     Old woman? What old woman’s that?

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD Why, it is my maid’s aunt of Brentford.

       

FORD

FORD     A witch, a quean,¹²² an old cozening quean! Have I not forbid her my house? She comes of¹²³ errands, does she? We are simple men, we do not know what’s brought to pass under the profession¹²⁴ of fortune-telling. She works by charms, by spells, by th’figure,¹²⁵ and such daubery as this is, beyond our element. We know nothing. Come down, you witch, you hag, you! Come down, I say! Takes a cudgel

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD Nay, good sweet husband.— Good gentlemen, let him not strike the old woman.

       [Enter Mistress Page leading Falstaff in woman’s clothes]

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Come, Mother Prat,¹²⁹ come, give me your hand.

       

FORD

FORD     I’ll prat¹³⁰ her. Beats Falstaff Out of my door, you witch, you rag, you baggage, you polecat, you runnion!¹³¹ Out, out! I’ll conjure you, I’ll fortune-tell you.

       [Exit Falstaff]

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Are you not ashamed? I think you have killed the poor woman.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD Nay, he will do it. ’Tis¹³³ a goodly credit for you.

       

FORD

FORD     Hang her, witch!

       

EVANS

EVANS     By¹³⁵ yea and no, I think the ’oman is a witch indeed. I like not when a ’oman has a great peard. I spy a great peard under his muffler.

       

FORD

FORD     Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you, follow. See but the issue of my jealousy. If I cry¹³⁸ out thus upon no trail, never trust me when I open again.

       

PAGE

PAGE     Let’s obey his humour¹³⁹ a little further. Come, gentlemen.

       [Exeunt Ford, Page, Shallow, Caius and Evans]

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Trust me, he beat him most pitifully.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD Nay, by th’mass, that he did not: he beat him most unpitifully, methought.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE I’ll have the cudgel hallowed¹⁴³ and hung o’er the altar. It hath done meritorious¹⁴⁴ service.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD What think you? May we, with the warrant¹⁴⁵ of womanhood and the witness of a good conscience, pursue him with any further revenge?

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE The spirit of wantonness¹⁴⁷ is, sure, scared out of him. If the devil have him not in fee-simple,¹⁴⁸ with fine and recovery, he will never, I think, in the way of waste,¹⁴⁹ attempt us again.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD Shall we tell our husbands how we have served¹⁵⁰ him?

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Yes, by all means, if it be but to scrape the figures¹⁵¹ out of your husband’s brains. If they can find in their hearts the poor unvirtuous fat knight shall be any further afflicted, we two will still be the ministers.¹⁵³

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD I’ll warrant they’ll have him publicly shamed, and methinks there would be no period¹⁵⁵ to the jest, should he not be publicly shamed.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Come, to the forge with it, then shape it.¹⁵⁶ I would not have things cool.

       Exeunt

Act 4 Scene 3

running scene 15

---

       Enter Host and Bardolph

       

BARDOLPH

BARDOLPH     Sir, the German desires to have three of your horses. The duke himself will be tomorrow at court, and they are going to meet him.

       

HOST

HOST     What duke should that be comes so secretly? I hear not of him in the court. Let me speak with the gentlemen. They speak English?

       

BARDOLPH

BARDOLPH     Ay, sir. I’ll call them to you.

       

HOST

HOST     They shall have my horses, but I’ll make them pay, I’ll sauce them.⁶ They have had my house a week at command.⁷ I have turned away my other guests. They must come off,⁸ I’ll sauce them. Come.

       Exeunt

Act 4 Scene 4

running scene 16

---

       Enter Page, Ford, Mistress Page, Mistress Ford and Evans

       

EVANS

EVANS     ’Tis¹ one of the best discretions of a ’oman as ever I did look upon.

       

PAGE

PAGE     And did he send you both these letters at an instant?²

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Within a quarter of an hour.

       

FORD

FORD     Pardon me, wife. Henceforth do what thou wilt.

5

5             I rather will suspect the sun with cold

               Than thee with wantonness. Now doth thy honour stand,

               In him that was of late an heretic,⁷

               As firm as faith.

       

PAGE

PAGE     ’Tis well, ’tis well, no more.

10

10           Be not as extreme in submission as in offence.

               But let our plot go forward. Let our wives

               Yet once again, to make us public sport,

               Appoint a meeting with this old fat fellow,

               Where we may take him and disgrace him for it.

       

FORD

FORD     There is no better way than that they spoke of.

       

PAGE

PAGE     How? To send him word they’ll meet him in the park at midnight? Fie, fie, he’ll never come.

       

EVANS

EVANS     You say he has been thrown in the rivers and has been grievously peaten as an old ’oman. Methinks there should be terrors in him, that he should not come. Methinks his flesh is punished, he shall have no desires.

       

PAGE

PAGE     So think I too.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD Devise but how you’ll use²² him when he comes,

               And let us two devise to bring him thither.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE There is an old tale goes that Herne the hunter,²⁴

25

25           Sometime²⁵ a keeper here in Windsor Forest,

               Doth all the winter-time, at still midnight,

               Walk round about an oak, with great ragged²⁷ horns,

               And there he blasts²⁸ the tree, and takes the cattle,

               And makes milch-kine²⁹ yield blood, and shakes a chain

30

30           In a most hideous and dreadful manner.

               You have heard of such a spirit, and well you know

               The superstitious idle-headed eld³²

               Received and did deliver to our age

               This tale of Herne the hunter for a truth.

35

35   

PAGE

PAGE           Why, yet there want³⁵ not many that do fear

               In deep of night to walk by this Herne’s Oak.

               But what of this?

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD Marry, this is our device:

               That Falstaff at that oak shall meet with us.

40

40   

PAGE

PAGE           Well, let it not be doubted but he’ll come,

               And in this shape.⁴¹ When you have brought him thither,

               What shall be done with him? What is your plot?

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE That likewise have we thought upon, and thus:

               Nan Page my daughter, and my little son,

45

45           And three or four more of their growth,⁴⁵ we’ll dress

               Like urchins,⁴⁶ oafs and fairies, green and white,

               With rounds of waxen tapers⁴⁷ on their heads,

               And rattles in their hands. Upon a sudden,

               As Falstaff, she and I are newly met,

50

50           Let them from forth a sawpit⁵⁰ rush at once

               With some diffusèd⁵¹ song. Upon their sight,

               We two in great amazèdness will fly:

               Then let them all encircle him about,

               And fairy-like to pinch the unclean knight,

55

55           And ask him why, that hour of fairy revel,

               In their so sacred paths he dares to tread

               In shape profane.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD And till he tell the truth,

               Let the supposèd fairies pinch him sound,⁵⁹

60

60           And burn him with their tapers.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE The truth being known,

               We’ll all present ourselves, dis-horn the spirit,

               And mock him home to Windsor.

       

FORD

FORD     The children must

65

65           Be practised well to this, or they’ll ne’er do’t.

       

EVANS

EVANS     I will teach the children their behaviours, and I will be like a

               jack-an-apes also, to burn the knight with my taber.

       

FORD

FORD     That will be excellent. I’ll go buy them vizards.⁶⁸

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE My Nan shall be the queen of all the fairies,

70

70           Finely attirèd in a robe of white.

       

PAGE

PAGE     That silk will I go buy.— And in that time Aside

               Shall Master Slender steal my Nan away,

               And marry her at Eton.⁷³— Go, send to Falstaff straight. To Mrs. Page and Mrs. Ford

       

FORD

FORD     Nay, I’ll to him again in name of Broom:

75

75           He’ll tell me all his purpose. Sure, he’ll come.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Fear not you that.— Go get us properties⁷⁶ To Page, Ford, and Evans

               And tricking⁷⁷ for our fairies.

       

EVANS

EVANS     Let us about it. It is admirable pleasures and fery honest knaveries.

       [Exeunt Page, Ford and Evans]

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Go, Mistress Ford,

80

80           Send quickly to Sir John, to know his mind.

       [Exit Mistress Ford]

               I’ll to the Doctor. He hath my good will,

               And none but he, to marry with Nan Page.

               That Slender, though well landed,⁸³ is an idiot,

               And he⁸⁴ my husband best of all affects.

85

85           The Doctor is well moneyed, and his friends

               Potent at court. He, none but he, shall have her,

               Though twenty thousand worthier come to crave her.

       [Exit]

Act 4 Scene 5

running scene 17

---

       Enter Host [and] Simple

       

HOST

HOST     What wouldst thou have, boor?¹ What, thick-skin? Speak, breathe, discuss: brief, short, quick, snap.

       

SIMPLE

SIMPLE     Marry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstaff from Master Slender.

       

HOST

HOST     There’s his chamber, his house, his castle, his standing-bed and truckle-bed.⁴ ’Tis painted about with the story of the Prodigal,⁵ fresh and new. Go, knock and call. He’ll speak like an Anthropophaginian⁶ unto thee. Knock, I say.

       

SIMPLE

SIMPLE     There’s an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into his chamber. I’ll be so bold as stay, sir, till she come down. I come to speak with her indeed.

       

HOST

HOST     Ha? A fat woman? The knight may be robbed. I’ll call.— Bully knight, bully Sir John! Speak from thy lungs military.¹⁰ Art thou there? It is thine host, thine Ephesian,¹¹ calls.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     How now, mine host? Above or within

       

HOST

HOST     Here’s a Bohemian-Tartar¹³ tarries the coming down of thy fat woman. Let her descend, bully, let her descend. My chambers are honourable. Fie! Privacy?¹⁴ Fie!

       [Enter Falstaff]

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     There was, mine host, an old fat woman even now with me, but she’s gone.

       

SIMPLE

SIMPLE     Pray you, sir, was’t not the wise woman¹⁸ of Brentford?

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Ay, marry, was it, mussel-shell.¹⁹ What would you with her?

       

SIMPLE

SIMPLE     My master, sir, my Master Slender, sent to her, seeing her go through the streets, to know, sir, whether one Nim, sir, that beguiled²¹ him of a chain, had the chain or no.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     I spake with the old woman about it.

       

SIMPLE

SIMPLE     And what says she, I pray, sir?

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Marry, she says that the very same man that beguiled Master Slender of his chain, cozened him of it.

       

SIMPLE

SIMPLE     I would I could have spoken with the woman herself: I had other things to have spoken with her too, from him.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     What are they? Let us know.

       

HOST

HOST     Ay, come. Quick.

       

SIMPLE

SIMPLE     I may not conceal³¹ them, sir.

       

HOST

HOST     Conceal them, or thou diest.

       

SIMPLE

SIMPLE     Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress Anne Page, to know if it were my master’s fortune to have her or no.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     ’Tis, ’tis his fortune.

       

SIMPLE

SIMPLE     What, sir?

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     To have her or no. Go, say the woman told me so.

       

SIMPLE

SIMPLE     May I be bold to say so, sir?

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Ay, sir, like³⁹ who more bold.

       

SIMPLE

SIMPLE     I thank your worship. I shall make my master glad with these tidings. [Exit]

       

HOST

HOST     Thou art clerkly,⁴¹ thou art clerkly, Sir John. Was there a wise woman with thee?

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Ay, that there was, mine host, one that hath taught me more wit than ever I learned before in my life. And I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid for my learning.

       [Enter Bardolph]

       

BARDOLPH

BARDOLPH     Out, alas, sir. Cozenage, mere⁴⁶ cozenage!

       

HOST

HOST     Where be my horses? Speak well of them, varletto.⁴⁷

       

BARDOLPH

BARDOLPH     Run away with the cozeners, for so soon as I came beyond Eton, they threw me off from behind one of them, in a slough of mire,⁴⁹ and set spurs and away, like three German devils, three Doctor Faustuses.⁵⁰

       

HOST

HOST     They are gone but to meet the duke, villain. Do not say they be fled. Germans are honest men.

       [Enter Evans]

       

EVANS

EVANS     Where is mine host?

       

HOST

HOST     What is the matter, sir?

       

EVANS

EVANS     Have a care of your entertainments.⁵⁵ There is a friend of mine come to town tells me there is three cozen-germans⁵⁶ that has cozened all the hosts of Readings,⁵⁷ of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses and money. I tell you for good will, look you. You are wise and full of gibes and vlouting-stocks,⁵⁸ and ’tis not convenient⁵⁹ you should be cozened. Fare you well.

       [Exit]

       [Enter Caius]

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     Vere is mine host de Jarteer?

       

HOST

HOST     Here, Master Doctor, in perplexity and doubtful dilemma.

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     I cannot tell vat is dat.⁶² But it is tell-a me dat you make grand preparation for a duke de Jamany.⁶³ By my trot, dere is no duke that the court is know to come. I tell you for good will. Adieu.

       [Exit]

       

HOST

HOST     Hue⁶⁵ and cry, villain, go!— To Bardolph/To Falstaff Assist me, knight, I am undone!— Fly, run, hue and cry, villain! To Bardolph I am undone!

       [Exeunt Host and Bardolph]

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     I would all the world might be cozened, for I have been cozened and beaten too. If it should come to the ear of the court, how I have been transformed and how my transformation hath been washed and cudgelled, they would melt me out of my fat drop by drop, and liquor⁷⁰ fishermen’s boots with me. I warrant they would whip me with their fine wits till I were as crestfallen as a dried pear. I never prospered since I forswore⁷² myself at primero. Well, if my wind were but long enough, I would repent.

       [Enter Mistress Quickly] Now, whence come you?

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY From the two parties, forsooth.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     The devil take one party and his dam⁷⁶ the other, and so they shall be both bestowed.⁷⁷ I have suffered more for their sakes, more than the villainous inconstancy of man’s disposition is able to bear.

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY And have not they suffered? Yes, I warrant, speciously⁷⁹ one of them. Mistress Ford, good heart, is beaten black and blue, that you cannot see a white spot about her.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     What tell’st thou me of black and blue? I was beaten myself into all the colours of the rainbow, and I was like⁸³ to be apprehended for the witch of Brentford. But⁸⁴ that my admirable dexterity of wit, my counterfeiting the action of an old woman, delivered me, the knave constable had set me i’th’stocks, i’th’common stocks, for a witch.

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber. You shall hear how things go, and, I warrant, to your content. Here is a letter will say somewhat — good hearts, what ado here is to bring you together! Sure, one of you does not serve heaven well, that you are so crossed.⁹⁰

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Come up into my chamber.

       Exeunt

Act 4 Scene 6

running scene 17 continues

---

       Enter Fenton [and] Host

       

HOST

HOST     Master Fenton, talk not to me. My mind is heavy. I will give over¹ all.

       

FENTON

FENTON     Yet hear me speak. Assist me in my purpose, And, as I am a gentleman, I’ll give thee A hundred pound in gold more than your loss.

       

HOST

HOST     I will hear you, Master Fenton, and I will, at the least, keep your counsel.⁵

       

FENTON

FENTON     From time to time I have acquainted you

               With the dear love I bear to fair Anne Page,

               Who mutually hath answered my affection —

               So far forth⁹ as herself might be her chooser —

10

10           Even to¹⁰ my wish. I have a letter from her

               Of such contents as you will wonder at;

               The mirth¹² whereof so larded with my matter,

               That neither singly can be manifested

               Without the show of both. Fat Falstaff

15

15           Hath a great scene.¹⁵ The image of the jest

               I’ll show you here at large.¹⁶ Hark, good mine host:

               Tonight at Herne’s Oak, just ’twixt twelve and one,

               Must my sweet Nan present the Fairy Queen —

               The purpose why is here — in which disguise,

20

20           While other jests are something rank on foot,²⁰

               Her father hath commanded her to slip

               Away with Slender, and with him at Eton

               Immediately to marry. She hath consented. Now, sir,

               Her mother — ever strong against that match

25

25           And firm for Doctor Caius — hath appointed

               That he shall likewise shuffle²⁶ her away,

               While other sports are tasking of²⁷ their minds,

               And at the dean’ry,²⁸ where a priest attends,

               Straight marry her. To this her mother’s plot

30

30           She, seemingly obedient, likewise hath

               Made promise to the doctor. Now, thus it rests:³¹

               Her father means she shall be all in white,

               And in that habit,³³ when Slender sees his time

               To take her by the hand and bid her go,

35

35           She shall go with him. Her mother hath intended,

               The better to denote³⁶ her to the doctor —

               For they must all be masked and vizarded —

               That quaint³⁸ in green she shall be loose enrobed,

               With ribbons pendent³⁹ flaring ’bout her head;

40

40           And when the doctor spies his vantage⁴⁰ ripe,

               To pinch her by the hand, and on that token,⁴¹

               The maid hath given consent to go with him.

       

HOST

HOST     Which means she to deceive, father or mother?

       

FENTON

FENTON     Both, my good host, to go along with me.

45

45           And here it rests, that you’ll procure the vicar

               To stay⁴⁶ for me at church, ’twixt twelve and one,

               And, in the lawful name of marrying,

               To give our hearts united ceremony.

       

HOST

HOST     Well, husband⁴⁹ your device. I’ll to the vicar.

50

50           Bring you the maid, you shall not lack a priest.

       

FENTON

FENTON     So shall I evermore be bound to thee:

               Besides, I’ll make a present⁵² recompense.

       Exeunt

Act 5 Scene 1

running scene 17 continues

---

       Enter Falstaff [and] Mistress Quickly

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Prithee, no more prattling. Go, I’ll hold.¹ This is the third time. I hope good luck lies in odd numbers. Away, go. They say there is divinity² in odd numbers, either in nativity, chance, or death. Away.

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY I’ll provide you a chain, and I’ll do what I can to get you a pair of horns.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Away, I say. Time wears.⁶ Hold up your head, and mince.

       [Exit Mistress Quickly]

       [Enter Ford, disguised as Broom]

                  How now, Master Broom? Master Broom, the matter will be known tonight, or never. Be you in the park about midnight, at Herne’s Oak, and you shall see wonders.

       

FORD

FORD     Went you not to her yesterday, sir, as you told me you had appointed?

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     I went to her, Master Broom, as you see, like a poor old man, but I came from her, Master Broom, like a poor old woman. That same knave Ford, her husband, hath the finest mad devil of jealousy in him, Master Broom, that ever governed frenzy. I will tell you, he beat me grievously, in the shape of a woman, for in the shape of man, Master Broom, I fear not Goliath¹⁵ with a weaver’s beam, because I know also life is a shuttle.¹⁶ I am in haste. Go along with me, I’ll tell you all, Master Broom. Since I plucked geese, played truant and whipped top,¹⁷ I knew not what ’twas to be beaten till lately. Follow me, I’ll tell you strange things of this knave Ford, on whom tonight I will be revenged, and I will deliver his wife into your hand. Follow. Strange things in hand,²⁰ Master Broom. Follow.

       Exeunt

Act 5 Scene 2

running scene 18

---

       Enter Page, Shallow [and] Slender

       

PAGE

PAGE     Come, come. we’ll couch¹ i’th’castle-ditch till we see the light of our fairies. Remember, son Slender, my daughter—

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     Ay, forsooth, I have spoke with her and we have a nay-word³ how to know one another: I come to her in white, and cry ‘mum’,⁴ she cries ‘budget’, and by that we know one another.

       

SHALLOW

SHALLOW     That’s good too. But what needs either your ‘mum’ or her ‘budget’? The white will decipher⁷ her well enough. It hath struck ten o’clock.

       

PAGE

PAGE     The night is dark: light and spirits will become⁸ it well. Heaven prosper our sport! No man means evil but the devil, and we shall know him by his horns. Let’s away. Follow me.

       Exeunt

Act 5 Scene 3

running scene 18 continues

---

       Enter Mistress Page, Mistress Ford [and] Caius

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Master Doctor, my daughter is in green. When you see your time, take her by the hand, away with her to the deanery, and dispatch² it quickly. Go before into the park. We two must go together.

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     I know vat I have to do. Adieu.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Fare you well, sir.

       [Exit Caius]

                  My husband will not rejoice so much at the abuse of Falstaff as he will chafe⁶ at the Doctor’s marrying my daughter. But ’tis no matter. Better a little chiding than a great deal of heartbreak.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD Where is Nan now, and her troop of fairies? And the Welsh devil Hugh?

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE They are all couched in a pit hard by Herne’s Oak, with obscured¹¹ lights, which, at the very instant of Falstaff’s and our meeting, they will at once display to the night.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD That cannot choose but amaze¹⁴ him.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE If he be not amazed, he will be mocked. If he be amazed, he will every way be mocked.

       

MISTRESS FORD WE’LL

MISTRESS FORD WE’LL     betray him finely.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Against such lewdsters and their lechery. Those that betray them do no treachery.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD The hour draws on. To the Oak, to the Oak!

       Exeunt

Act 5 Scene 4

running scene 18 continues

---

       Enter Evans [disguised, with others as] Fairies

       

EVANS

EVANS     Trib,¹ trib, fairies. Come, and remember your parts. Be pold, I pray you. Follow me into the pit, and when I give the watch-’ords,² do as I pid you. Come, come, trib, trib.

       Exeunt

Act 5 Scene 5

running scene 18 continues

---

       Enter Falstaff [disguised as Herne]

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     The Windsor bell hath struck twelve, the minute draws on. Now, the hot-blooded gods assist me! Remember, Jove,² thou wast a bull for thy Europa. Love set on thy horns. O powerful Love, that in some respects makes a beast a man, in some other a man a beast. You were also, Jupiter, a swan for the love of Leda.⁴ O omnipotent Love, how near the god drew to the complexion of a goose. A fault done first in the form of a beast. O Jove, a beastly fault!⁶ And then another fault in the semblance of a fowl. Think on’t, Jove, a foul fault! When gods have hot backs,⁷ what shall poor men do? For me, I am here a Windsor stag, and the fattest, I think, i’th’forest. Send me a cool rut-time,⁹ Jove, or who can blame me to piss my tallow?¹⁰ Who comes here? My doe?

       [Enter Mistress Ford and Mistress Page]

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD Sir John? Art thou there, my deer?¹¹ My male deer?

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     My doe with the black scut!¹² Let the sky rain potatoes, let it thunder to the tune of Greensleeves, hail kissing-comfits¹³ and snow eryngoes. Let there come a tempest of provocation,¹⁴ I will shelter me here. Embraces her

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD Mistress Page is come with me, sweetheart.¹⁵

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Divide¹⁶ me like a bribed buck, each a haunch: I will keep my sides to myself, my shoulders for the fellow¹⁷ of this walk, and my horns I bequeath your husbands. Am I a woodman,¹⁸ ha? Speak I like Herne the hunter? Why, now is Cupid¹⁹ a child of conscience: he makes restitution. Horns within As I am a true spirit, welcome.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Alas, what noise?

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD Heaven forgive our sins.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     What should this be?

       

MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE Away, away! They run off

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     I think the devil will not have me damned, lest the oil²⁴ that’s in me should set hell on fire. He would never else cross²⁵ me thus.

       Enter [Evans, disguised as before; Pistol, as Hobgoblin; Mistress Quickly, Anne and others, as] Fairies [with tapers]

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Fairies black, grey, green and white,

               You moonshine revellers and shades²⁷ of night,

               You orphan²⁸ heirs of fixèd destiny,

               Attend²⁹ your office and your quality.

30

30           Crier³⁰ Hobgoblin, make the fairy oyez.

       

PISTOL

PISTOL     Elves, list³¹ your names. Silence, you airy toys.

               Cricket, to Windsor chimneys shalt thou leap.

               Where fires thou find’st unraked³³ and hearths unswept,

               There pinch the maids as blue as bilberry,³⁴

35

35           Our radiant queen hates sluts and sluttery.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     They are fairies, he that speaks to them shall die. Aside

               I’ll wink³⁷ and couch: no man their works must eye. Lies down upon his face

       

EVANS

EVANS     Where’s Bede? Go you, and where you find a maid

               That ere she sleep has thrice her prayers said,

40

40           Raise⁴⁰ up the organs of her fantasy:

               Sleep she⁴¹ as sound as careless infancy.

               But those as⁴² sleep and think not on their sins,

               Pinch them, arms, legs, backs, shoulders, sides and shins.

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY About,⁴⁴ about.

45

45           Search Windsor Castle, elves, within and out.

               Strew good luck, oafs,⁴⁶ on every sacred room,

               That it may stand till the perpetual doom,⁴⁷

               In state as⁴⁸ wholesome as in state ’tis fit,

               Worthy⁴⁹ the owner and the owner it.

50

50           The several⁵⁰ chairs of order look you scour

               With juice of balm⁵¹ and every precious flower.

               Each fair instalment,⁵² coat, and sev’ral crest,

               With loyal blazon⁵³ evermore be blest.

               And nightly meadow-fairies, look you sing,

55

55           Like to the Garter’s compass,⁵⁵ in a ring.

               Th’expressure⁵⁶ that it bears, green let it be,

               More fertile-fresh than all the field to see.

               And Honi⁵⁸ soit qui mal y pense write

               In em’rald tufts, flowers purple, blue and white,

60

60           Like sapphire, pearl and rich embroidery,

               Buckled⁶¹ below fair knighthood’s bending knee.

               Fairies use flowers for their charactery.⁶²

               Away, disperse. But till ’tis one o’clock,

               Our dance of custom⁶⁴ round about the oak

65

65           Of Herne the hunter, let us not forget.

       

EVANS

EVANS     Pray you, lock hand in hand, yourselves in order set.

               And twenty glow-worms shall our lanterns be,

               To guide our measure⁶⁸ round about the tree.

               But stay, I smell a man of middle-earth.⁶⁹

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Heavens defend me from that Welsh fairy, Aside lest he transform me to a piece of cheese!⁷¹

       

PISTOL

PISTOL     Vile worm, thou wast o’erlooked⁷² even in thy birth. To Falstaff

       

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY With trial-fire⁷³ touch me his finger-end.

               If he be chaste, the flame will back descend

75

75           And turn⁷⁵ him to no pain. But if he start,

               It is the flesh of a corrupted heart.

       

PISTOL

PISTOL     A trial, come.

       

EVANS

EVANS     Come, will this wood⁷⁸ take fire? They burn him with their tapers

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     O, O, O!

80

80   

MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY Corrupt, corrupt, and tainted in desire.

               About⁸¹ him, fairies, sing a scornful rhyme,

               And, as you trip,⁸² still pinch him to your time.

       

FAIRIES

FAIRIES     [sing] The Song

               Fie on sinful fantasy,⁸⁴ Fie on lust and luxury! During this song they pinch Falstaff.

85

85           Lust is but a bloody fire,⁸⁵ Caius comes one way and steals away

               Kindled with unchaste desire, a boy in green; Slender another way and

               Fed in heart, whose flames aspire, takes off a boy in white; and Fenton

               As thoughts do blow them, higher and higher. comes and steals away Anne.

               Pinch him, fairies, mutually,⁸⁹ A noise of hunting is heard within.

90

90           Pinch him for his villainy. All the Fairies run away.

               Pinch him and burn him and turn him about, Falstaff pulls off his buck’s

               Till candles and starlight and moonshine be out. head and rises

       [Enter Page, Ford, Mistress Page and Mistress Ford]

       

PAGE

PAGE     Nay, do not fly, I think we have watched⁹³ you now.

               Will none but Herne the hunter serve your turn?⁹⁴

95

95   

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE I pray you, come, hold⁹⁵ up the jest no higher.

               Now, good Sir John, how like you Windsor wives?

               See you these, husband? Do not these fair yokes⁹⁷ Points to horns

               Become the forest better than the town?

       

FORD

FORD     Now, sir, who’s a cuckold now? Master Broom, Falstaff’s a knave, a cuckoldly knave: here are his horns, Master Broom. And, Master Broom, he hath enjoyed nothing of Ford’s but his buck-basket, his cudgel, and twenty pounds of money, which must be paid to Master Broom. His horses are arrested¹⁰² for it, Master Broom.

       

MISTRESS FORD

MISTRESS FORD Sir John, we have had ill luck, we could never meet.¹⁰⁴ I will never take you for my love again, but I will always count you my deer.¹⁰⁵

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     I do begin to perceive that I am made an ass.

       

FORD

FORD     Ay, and an ox too. Both the proofs¹⁰⁷ are extant.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     And these are not fairies. I was three or four times in the thought they were not fairies, and yet the guiltiness of my mind, the sudden surprise¹⁰⁹ of my powers, drove the grossness of the foppery¹¹⁰ into a received belief, in despite of the teeth of all rhyme and reason, that they were fairies. See now how wit¹¹¹ may be made a Jack-a-Lent,¹¹² when ’tis upon ill employment!

       

EVANS

EVANS     Sir John Falstaff, Unmasks serve Got, and leave your desires, and fairies will not pinse you.

       

FORD

FORD     Well said, fairy Hugh.

       

EVANS

EVANS     And leave you your jealousies too, I pray you.

       

FORD

FORD     I will never mistrust my wife again till thou art able to woo her in good English.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Have I laid my brain in the sun and dried it, that it wants matter¹¹⁹ to prevent so gross o’erreaching¹²⁰ as this? Am I ridden with a Welsh goat too? Shall I have a coxcomb¹²¹ of frieze? ’Tis time I were choked with a piece of toasted cheese.

       

EVANS

EVANS     Seese is not good to give putter. Your belly is all putter.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     ‘Seese’ and ‘putter’? Have I lived to stand at the taunt of one that makes fritters¹²⁴ of English? This is enough to be the decay of lust and late-walking through the realm.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Why Sir John, do you think, though we would have thrust virtue out of our hearts by the head and shoulders, and have given ourselves without scruple to hell, that ever the devil could have made you our delight?

       

FORD

FORD     What, a hodge-pudding?¹²⁹ A bag of flax?

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE A puffed¹³⁰ man?

       

PAGE

PAGE     Old, cold, withered and of intolerable¹³¹ entrails?

       

FORD

FORD     And one that is as slanderous as Satan?

       

PAGE

PAGE     And as poor as Job?¹³³

       

FORD

FORD     And as wicked as his wife?

       

EVANS

EVANS     And given to fornications, and to taverns, and sack, and wine, and metheglins,¹³⁶ and to drinkings, and swearings, and starings, pribbles and prabbles?

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     Well, I am your theme.¹³⁸ You have the start of me. I am dejected. I am not able to answer the Welsh flannel.¹³⁹ Ignorance itself is a plummet o’er me. Use me as you will.

       

FORD

FORD     Marry, sir, we’ll bring you to Windsor, to one Master Broom, that you have cozened of money, to whom you should¹⁴² have been a pander. Over and above that you have suffered, I think to repay that money will be a biting affliction.

       

PAGE

PAGE     Yet be cheerful, knight. Thou shalt eat a posset¹⁴⁵ tonight at my house, where I will desire thee to laugh at my wife, that now laughs at thee. Tell her Master Slender hath married her daughter.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Doctors doubt that. Aside If Anne Page be my daughter, she is, by this,¹⁴⁸ Doctor Caius’ wife.

       [Enter Slender]

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     Whoa ho, ho, father Page!

       

PAGE

PAGE     Son, how now? How now, son, have you dispatched?¹⁵¹

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     Dispatched? I’ll make the best in Gloucestershire know on’t. Would I were hanged, la, else.

       

PAGE

PAGE     Of what,¹⁵⁴ son?

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     I came yonder at Eton to marry Mistress Anne Page, and she’s a great lubberly¹⁵⁶ boy. If it had not been i’th’church, I would have swinged him, or he should have swinged¹⁵⁷ me. If I did not think it had been Anne Page, would I might never stir — and ’tis a postmaster’s¹⁵⁸ boy.

       

PAGE

PAGE     Upon my life, then, you took the wrong.¹⁵⁹

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     What need you tell me that? I think so, when I took a boy for a girl. If I had been married to him, for all he was in woman’s apparel, I would not have had him.¹⁶²

       

PAGE

PAGE     Why, this is your own folly. Did not I tell you how you should know my daughter by her garments?

       

SLENDER

SLENDER     I went to her in green,¹⁶⁵ and cried ‘mum’, and she cried ‘budget’, as Anne and I had appointed, and yet it was not Anne, but a postmaster’s boy.

       [Exit]

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Good George, be not angry. I knew of your purpose, turned my daughter into white,¹⁶⁸ and indeed, she is now with the Doctor at the deanery, and there married.

       [Enter Caius]

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     Vere is Mistress Page? By gar, I am cozened. I ha’ married un garçon, a boy, un paysan¹⁷¹, by gar, a boy. It is not Anne Page. By gar, I am cozened.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Why, did you take her in white?¹⁷²

       

CAIUS

CAIUS     Ay, by gar, and ’tis a boy. By gar, I’ll raise¹⁷³ all Windsor.

       [Exit]

       

FORD

FORD     This is strange. Who hath got the right Anne?

       

PAGE

PAGE     My heart misgives me. Here comes Master Fenton.

       [Enter Fenton and Anne]

                  How now, Master Fenton?

       

ANNE

ANNE     Pardon, good father. Good my mother, pardon.

       

PAGE

PAGE     Now, mistress, how chance you went not with Master Slender?

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Why went you not with Master Doctor, maid?

180

180 

FENTON

FENTON             You do amaze¹⁸⁰ her. Hear the truth of it:

               You would have married her most shamefully,

               Where there was no proportion¹⁸² held in love.

               The truth is, she and I, long since contracted,¹⁸³

               Are now so sure¹⁸⁴ that nothing can dissolve us.

185

185         Th’offence is holy that she hath committed,

               And this deceit loses the name of craft,

               Of disobedience, or unduteous title,¹⁸⁷

               Since therein she doth evitate¹⁸⁸ and shun

               A thousand irreligious cursèd hours

190

190         Which forcèd marriage would have brought upon her.

       

FORD

FORD     Stand not amazed, here is no remedy. To Page and Mistress Page

               In love the heavens themselves do guide the state.¹⁹²

               Money buys lands, and wives are sold by fate.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     I am glad, though you have ta’en a special stand¹⁹⁴ to To Page and Mistress Page

195

195         strike at me, that your arrow hath glanced.¹⁹⁵

       

PAGE

PAGE     Well, what remedy? Fenton, heaven give thee joy!

               What cannot be eschewed must be embraced.

       

FALSTAFF

FALSTAFF     When night-dogs run, all sorts of deer are chased.

       

MISTRESS PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE Well, I will muse¹⁹⁹ no further. Master Fenton,

200

200         Heaven give you many, many merry days.

               Good husband, let us every one go home,

               And laugh this sport o’er by a country fire,

               Sir John and all.

       

FORD

FORD     Let it be so. Sir John,

205

205         To Master Broom you yet shall hold your word,

               For he tonight shall lie with Mistress Ford.

       Exeunt

Textual Notes

Q = First Quarto text of 1602

F = First Folio text of 1623

Q3 = a correction introduced in the Third Quarto text of 1630

F2 = a correction introduced in the Second Folio text of 1632

Ed = a correction introduced by a later editor

SD = stage direction

SH = speech heading (i.e., speaker’s name)

List of parts = Ed

All entrances midscene = Ed. F groups names of all characters in each scene at beginning of scene

1.1.19 py’r lady spelled per-lady in F 113–16 set as verse = Q. F = set as prose 114 latten = Q (spelled laten). F = Latine 127 careers spelled Car-eires in F 175 contempt = Ed. F = content

1.3.0 SD and Robin = Ed. F = Page (pageboy) 9 lime = Q. F = liue 37 legion = Ed. Q = legions. F = legend 42 oeillades spelled illiads in F 60 o’th’hoof = F2. F = ith’hoofe 61 humour = Q. F = honor

1.4.33 une boîtie en vert = Ed. F = vnboyteene verd 37–8 chaud. Je m’en vais voir à le Court la grande affaire; Ed. F = chando, le man voi a le Court la grand affaires 65 baillez = Ed. F = ballow 87 good-year = Ed. F = good-ier

2.1.1 I = Q3. Not in F 40 praised = Ed. F = praise 150 cavalier spelled Caualeire in F 151 SH FORD = Q. F = Shal 152 Broom = F (spelled Broome). Ford’s disguised name is Brooke throughout Q

2.2.27 That I am = Q. Omitted in F 162 exchange = Q3. F = enchange

2.3.41 A word = Q. F = a

3.1.4 Petty = Ed. F = pittie 77 Give…terrestrial, so = Q. Not in F 81 lads = Q. F = Lad

3.3.26 cue spelled Qu in F 44–5 Fortune thy foe were not, Nature thy friend = F2 punctuation. Comma after foe in F 54 kiln = Ed. F = kill 102 SH JOHN = Ed. F = Ser 129 foolish = F2. F = foolishion

3.4.13 SH FENTON = Q3. Not in F 56 Fenton = Ed. F = Fenter

3.5.20 sperm spelled Spersme in F

4.1.51 lunatics = Ed. F= Lunaties

4.2.39 kiln = Ed. F = Kill 70 direct = Q3. F = direct direct 72 misuse him = F2. F = misuse 79, 81 SH JOHN = Ed. F = 1. Ser 80 SH ROBERT = Ed. F = 2. Ser 81 as lief = F2. F = liefe as 103 SH PAGE = Ed. F = M. Ford. 127 not strike = Q3. F = strike

4.3.7 house = Q. F = houses

4.4.5 cold = Ed. F = gold 29 makes = F2. F = make 58 SH MISTRESS FORD = Ed. F = Ford

4.5.31 SH SIMPLE = Ed. F = Fal. 41 art = Q. F = are

4.6.36 denote = Ed. F = deuote

5.2.2 daughter = F2. Omitted in F

5.3.10 Hugh = Ed. F = Herne

5.5.46 oafs spelled Ouphes in F 57 More = F2. F = Mote 82 SH FAIRIES = Ed. Not in F 84–92 Stage direction based on Q, but with colours of costumes altered to conform to F – see ‘Text’ in Key Facts 173 un paysan = Ed. F = oon pesant

Title page of the Quarto version of the play, with Falstaff credited above the Merry Wives.