Yes, He Does
“He’s cute,” Belinda said, taking a seat on the sofa. “How come you didn’t tell me about him?”
“How come you didn’t tell me about Collin?” Todd snapped.
He still smarted over their breakfast meeting. He’d felt ambushed by his mom and her boyfriend. In a way, it’s the reason he’d abruptly blurted out that Tucker was his boyfriend. The look on Tuck’s face when he’d said it, made Todd feel guilty. He’d been using the words as a sword against his mother, but they’d made Tuck happy.
Todd waved his hand. “It doesn’t matter.” But it did. This guy Collin was probably using her. Why else would a guy who owned his own business want to be with an ex-felon and recovering junkie?
Belinda took his hand. Her eyes softened around the edges, the way he remembered from when he was young. Even when she was high, she had a way of making him feel important. “I’m not trying to complicate your life, son. I promise you.” She pulled his hand to her lips and kissed his palm. “These past weeks have been amazing, getting to know you again. And I want you to get to know me. The real me. I’ve really been working hard to put my life together. Collin is a part of my new life.”
Todd snorted. “Yeah, I bet.”
Belinda didn’t take the bait. “Tell me about this boy, Tucker. Where did you meet?”
“In foster care,” he said without trying to hide the accusation in his tone.
Belinda winced. “I can’t give those years back. I won’t even try to pretend I was a good mom. I know I wasn’t.”
The guilt from his childhood reared up. “You tried, Mom. You did your best. I should have been better.”
“Please don’t say that. If I’ve learned anything at all, it’s that I’m responsible for my actions. I made those choices.” She took Todd’s hands again. “I was young and stupid. I loved you the only way I knew how then, and I can’t do anything about it now, but it wasn’t good enough. Not nearly so. You deserved more from me.”
“I know you loved me.”
“Oh, Todd.” She smiled, her mouth quirking up in the corners. “You don’t have to keep trying to make me feel good or let me off the hook. I was just a little older than you when I messed up so bad they took you away from me. That’s on me. My bad choices. I wish I had loved you better. I wish I had loved you as well as you loved me. Even as a small child, you took better care of me than I ever took of you.”
“I don’t understand what you want from me.” His voice cracked with emotion. He didn’t know which was worse, having her need him or not need him.
“Don’t you see, baby? I don’t want anything from you other than a connection. A relationship. However you’ll have me. That’s what this has been about. I wanted you to see that I was okay. You always blamed yourself for my troubles, but they were never your fault. My counselor made me realize how my emotional immaturity, her words not mine, may have affected you. Might still be affecting you.”
She looked toward the Todd’s bedroom, where Tuck had gone. “I’m glad to see you have someone in your life. I worried you’d be alone.”
He knew his mom had been in counseling. She told him the first day he’d met her for lunch. But he’d found it hard to reconcile her words with her actions of the past. Could she really have it together this time? Had she managed to finally take responsibility for her life without any help from Todd?
And why hadn’t he told her about Tucker? At the heart of the matter, he knew why. He’d worried that if he told her that he loved some else, she’d crumble. If he told her she was no longer the most important person in his life, she’d relapse and it would be his fault. The old ugly fears of his past reared their monstrous heads. He wanted to believe Belinda capable of standing on her own two feet. Could this time really be different? He began to methodically pick tiny pieces of lint from the back of the sofa.
Belinda put her hand over his. “Todd?”
His OCD had gotten so much worse as it always did with extra stress. How did Tucker put up with him? Todd didn’t know why his boyfriend stuck around, but he was glad he did.
His hands shook as he twined his fingers with Belinda’s. “I love him, Mom.”
Her eyes brimmed with tears as she smiled. “I’m so glad.” She leaned forward and slid her arms around Todd’s waist, hugging her to him. “Does he love you?”
Todd thought about all the years he and Tuck had only each other. They’d been everything to one another. Even through all this mess with his mother, Tuck hadn’t pressured him. In that moment, Todd determined he would make a change, seek the help Tucker had wanted him to get, and he’d never shut Tuck out again. He would do what it took to gain Tuck’s forgiveness.
He squeezed his mother, inhaling the vanilla scent of her hair. His mother had asked, “Does he love you?” And Todd knew the answer without a doubt.