“The Bible Student’s Exam”

I think I must be on to something regarding students of the Bible. They seem to be just as crafty as any other kind of student when it comes to passing their examinations. You might say they know every trick in the good book. Naturally, I have a story in mind to illustrate this—in fact, I have several variations on a theme.

The first example came from Von del Chamberlain in my home base, Salt Lake City. It’s about an incident that was supposed to have happened in a history-of-religion class at the University of Utah about 1956, when Chamberlain was a student there. The class became very popular, partly because the final examination question was always the same: “Discuss the journeys of St. Paul.” Always, that is, until the year the professor gave a new exam question: “Discuss the Sermon on the Mount.” The entire class sat there in dismay, except for one student who began to write vigorously. The others handed in their blank exam books and left the room, then waited outside until the one student came out.

“How could you possibly answer that question?” they asked.

“I couldn’t,” the student replied. “So I began by writing, ‘Who am I to criticize the Master? I would rather discuss the journeys of St. Paul.’ After that it was easy!”

Would you believe that in the same bundle of mail virtually the same story arrived from a different reader? In this version, sent by Natalie E. Hampton of Raleigh, North Carolina, the setting is a seminary, the expected question is “Describe the life of the Apostle Paul,” and the clever student’s exam answer when the topic is switched begins, “Who am I to critique the Sermon on the Mount? I’d rather talk about the Apostle Paul.”

Those stories rang a bell for the Reverend Dr. Jeremy H. Knowles, who reads my column in Foster’s Daily Democrat of Dover, New Hampshire. He wrote: “I heard a similar story while in seminary in Cambridge, Mass., in the 1950’s. A certain Old Testament professor always included on his final exam the question ‘List the kings of Israel and Judah in parallel columns.’ One year, however, he substituted the question ‘List the names of the major and minor prophets in parallel columns.’ One student alone passed the course when he began his answer by writing, ‘Far be it for me to discriminate among such worthy men, but the kings of Israel and Judah in parallel columns are …’”

I like the way this version turns to the Old Testament for its plot, and then alters “Who am I?” in the student’s answer to “Far be it for me.” That seems like folkloristic variation if I ever saw it.

Next I heard from Tom Gentry of Kenosha, Wisconsin, who supplied an earlier published version of the story. He remembered that Bennett Cerf had included it in his humor classic Try and Stop Me (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1945). Here, it was more dignified in its language, but easily recognizable. Cerf, citing no source, attributed the incident to “The learned but unworldly head of the department devoted to the study of comparative religions at Harvard.” The expected exam question is “Who, in chronological order, were the Kings of Israel?” but the new question is “Who were the major prophets and who were the minor prophets?” The student’s tricky response begins, “Far be it from me to distinguish between these revered gentlemen …”

Probably Bennett Cerf rewrote an anecdote he had heard told about Harvard. Later tellings of the story—possibly influenced by Cerf’s printed version—continued the process of variation.

I have received one more letter, so far, on the subject that shows a shift away from the topic of religion classes. This came from Timothy Hunt, executive director of the Festival at Sandpoint (Idaho) and a former college professor. His version concerns a biology professor who always gives his final examination on the earthworm, until the year when he changes it to “Discuss the elephant.” The clever student writes, “The elephant is the largest of all land mammals and is possessed of several distinctive features among which are large floppy ears, enormous paws that are sometimes used as umbrella stands, and a giant worm-like trunk. The earthworm is …” The rest of the student’s essay, of course, is about the earthworm.

Maybe this is the original elephant joke, but I strongly suspect that it is not the last time I will hear of the students’ tricky examination answer.