Linette’s breath stuck halfway up her throat.
He’d offered marriage. Exactly what she wanted. But he’d offered more than she bargained for. His heart.
She couldn’t decide what to think except it frightened her. She hadn’t expected love. Didn’t know if she was prepared for it. Love meant so much more than a marriage of convenience. It meant relinquishing her dreams in deference to his plans.
But in return, she’d get his devotion. The thought reached into her heart and squeezed it, flooding her veins with a combination of anticipation and caution.
“What about Margaret?”
“Let’s sit.”
They sat on the crest of the hill as the light faded from the sky.
“I wrote Margaret and my father, informing them of my choice.” Eddie’s laugh carried a note of regret and he took her hand between his. “Father suggested you might not be suitable to become a Gardiner.”
“I guessed as much.”
“Sorry. Remember my father isn’t sure I am suitable to be a Gardiner.”
Her defense on her own behalf died. “I can’t imagine always feeling the need to prove yourself. Besides, he is so wrong. He needs to visit and see for himself how well you’ve done.”
“He’d only see what he wanted to see.” His expression brightened. “But I came to a conclusion this afternoon. I know who I am. God made me and He’s in charge.”
“Amen. He holds you in His hand and directs your steps.”
“Like a good shepherd.”
She laughed. How often had they discussed the Twenty-third Psalm over the winter months, considering the differences between raising sheep and cattle?
But what would Eddie do if his father forbade their marriage?
“How soon can we be married?” he asked.
She hesitated but a second. “As soon as possible, I suppose.”
They talked about how their marriage would change things.
“What about Grady?”
“He’ll live with us in the big house.”
His ready answer gave her the strength to dismiss her fears.
They didn’t return to the house until late. At the door, she stopped. Did they kiss again? What were his expectations?
As if he’d read her mind, he gently turned her into his arms, allowing mere inches to separate them. “I’m willing to do things your way. Whatever you’re comfortable with is fine with me. I pray at some time you’ll grow to love me, but if you don’t, we can still have a great marriage. I promise.”
She sighed her relief and rested her head against his shoulder. He wanted her to say she loved him but she could not squeeze the words from her fearful heart.
“I’m sorry.” Love frightened her, but how could she explain it to him when she didn’t understand it herself?
“I’m not complaining.” He cupped his hand to the back of her head and held her gently. He pressed his cheek to her hair and she was almost certain he kissed the top of her head.
“I will be a good wife,” she murmured against his jacket front, breathing in his warm scent. “I’ll work hard.”
“Linette, you don’t need to prove anything to me. I love you just the way you are.”
He held her a moment longer then led her down the hill and shooed her away to bed.
In the dark, she whispered to Cassie, “He said he’ll marry me.”
Cassie bolted upright, making Grady murmur a complaint. She settled back down. “I don’t believe it.”
“It’s true.”
“Will we all get to stay, then?”
She found Cassie’s hand on top of the covers and squeezed it. “What would I do without you and Grady? Of course you get to stay.”
“I’m happy for you. It’s what you wanted.”
“Thank you.” She shifted to her side and stared into the darkness. It was why she’d come West—to marry a man who would allow her to escape her father’s plans. She hadn’t counted on him falling in love with her.
You don’t need to prove anything to me. I love you just the way you are.
Love? What was that? Didn’t it turn her into a pawn, the way she’d been as her father’s daughter?
Eddie was not like her father.
But she couldn’t push away the fear of giving herself wholly and completely to another. Unless she retained control of her heart, she feared she would lose who she was to him.
The next morning, she accompanied Eddie to the cookhouse where he called for attention. “Linette has agreed to become my wife.”
Nice of him to put it that way when they all knew she’d come with the specific intention of marrying him. But it pleased her that he made it sound as if it had been his idea.
“Didn’t I tell you so?” Cookie exclaimed as she engulfed Linette in one of her massive hugs.
Eddie managed to keep his arm about her shoulders and protect her from some of Cookie’s enthusiasm, then she turned to pat Eddie’s back in congratulations.
Linette felt the thuds clear to her fingertips and feared Eddie would suffer internal injuries.
One by one the cowhands who were present filed by shaking Eddie’s hand and taking hers in a polite gesture. All of them said they were glad she was going to stay and help Eddie run the ranch. Even Ward offered his congratulations.
“Guessed you weren’t interested in my little ranch.”
At first she giggled at their comments then she began to squirm. “Eddie has done quite well without my help so far. I expect he could continue to manage without me.”
Eddie squeezed her to his side. “They know a woman’s touch makes all the difference. Especially a woman as wise and generous as you.”
She waited until they were alone to question him. “What did you mean about me being wise and generous?”
He laughed hard. When he noticed she didn’t join in his merriment, he sobered. “You really don’t know?”
She shook her head, not caring her fears and uncertainties likely showed in her face.
He took her hands and pulled her close. She tipped her head to search his eyes as he spoke.
“Linette, you show kindness to all, you try to help people no matter what their race or color or social standing. You speak your mind but in a way that causes people to respect you. You stopped my men from hanging an Indian who didn’t deserve such a fate. And brave? I never expected to see a woman stand up to the wolves the way you did.” He pressed a kiss to her nose. “I understand you think you have to prove you are something more than a beautiful woman who can be used as part of a business deal.” His voice deepened as if the words pained him and her heart did a slow tilt toward him.
“But my dear sweet Linette. You don’t need to prove anything to anyone. You are beautiful.” He kissed her on each cheek. “But you are so much more. And I cherish each and every bit of you—your personality, your faith and your...” He paused, eased back a few inches and touched her chest over her heart. “Who you are inside.”
She swallowed hard several times, struggled with a sense of breathlessness as his words washed over her, cleansing away self-doubt and fear, leaving her whole.
She loved this man for the gift he’d given her.
But when she tried to say the words, they stuck in her throat.
If he noticed her struggle he didn’t say anything, just pulled her close again and held her gently. “I need to go.” He caught her chin with his fingertip and lifted her face to kiss her sweetly and quickly. “I’ll be back later and we can talk more.”
But it was easy in the following days to talk about other things. She sensed his patient waiting but the knot in her throat would not let go. In fact, it seemed to extend to her heart and bind her feelings behind prison bars.
One day she glanced up to see a line of Indians riding by and realized winter had begun to relinquish its hold on the land.
Eddie came from the pens and stood at her side.
“They’re moving out to hunt for food. Unfortunately there is little left for them. Buffalo hunters have killed most of the huge herds. And now the people are confined to specific areas. It’s a tough life.”
“I hope they’ll be safe. I wonder how Bright Moon, Red Fox and their boys are.”
They watched the long line snake by. A man turned aside and headed down the hill toward them, a woman at his side. “It’s them,” Linette squealed, running to meet the family.
Bright Moon showed them the baby, wearing the sweater Linette had given him.
“His name Little Shirt.” A chuckle accompanied Red Fox’s announcement. “White woman give little shirt.”
Linette grinned, happy at their choice of name. The baby had put on weight. In fact, they all looked considerably better than last time she’d seen them.
“Mother has gift,” Little Bear said.
Bright Moon handed her a pair of baby moccasins, ornately decorated with beads.
Linette choked up. “Thank you,” she managed to say past the tears clogging her throat.
“You are great white woman,” Red Fox said, holding his hand out as if in benediction.
From the hill came a cheer. The whole tribe faced them.
Linette waved then thanked Red Fox and hugged Bright Moon and the boys. The family returned to the others and the Indians continued their journey. Linette watched until they were out of sight.
“The great white woman. I like that.” Eddie had his arm about her shoulders and pulled her close to rest his forehead against hers. “You are appreciated by men of both races. How does it feel?”
She considered his question. “It feels fine.”
He gave her a little shake. “And yet you still doubt. Linette, my love. When will you believe you are accepted and more...honored and loved?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know.”
He kissed her forehead. “I pray for the day but until then know this, I love you just as you are.”
“Sounds like a wedding vow.”
“It is. I am yours for as long as I live. You have my heart, my love, my everything.”
“Eddie...” Her voice broke. “I don’t deserve so much.”
He gave her another little shake. “But you do.”
She nodded as tears gathered in the back of her throat.
How she wanted to believe him. Say to him the words he wanted to hear. Was it stubborn pride that prevented it?
Lord, help me. I came for a marriage of convenience. That’s all I wanted. Now it seems I must choose if I want more. But something in my heart is stuck. Broken, even. Show me how to fix it. Please.
She was tired of the constant warfare between what she wanted to give Eddie and what she wanted to keep for herself.
Her heart.
Later that day Eddie went to Linette. “Let’s inspect the house.” He wanted her to see it as hers. He wanted to feel her joy in making plans. “It’s yours now. You can choose how to use the rooms, how to decorate them.”
They climbed the hill to the house and she went immediately to the window overlooking the ranch as he knew she would. “I want this to be our main room so we can enjoy this view every day.”
He chuckled. “Why doesn’t that surprise me?”
She would have stayed there, content to ignore the rest of the house, but he took her hand and drew her away. She inspected the kitchen as if seeing it for the first time. “I can see myself working here.”
“I expect it will be a pleasant change after the cramped quarters of the cabin and the tiny stove, which you’ve managed to cook very nice meals on.”
“I enjoyed it.” She faced him. “Are you sure about this?”
He looked at the wooden worktable. “Is something wrong with it?”
“What if I never say the words you want?”
She’d read his longing so clearly. He ached for her to say she loved him. Wondered what held her back. Not that he had any reason for complaint. She was gentle, loving and kind to him. Just as she was to everyone.
He pulled her to his chest, pressed her head to the hollow of his shoulder where he’d discovered it fit very nicely. He rested his cheek against her hair. “Linette, I love you enough for the both of us. Yes, I pray you will someday learn to love me, but so long as you can accept my love I’m okay with this arrangement.”
She wrapped her arms about his waist and held him tight. “You are a good man.”
It had to be enough for now. But someday, God willing, there would be more.
A few days later, Linette turned as Eddie strode into the cabin. Her lungs tightened with—
She couldn’t say what. Or perhaps she didn’t want to admit it.
“I’m going to help the men move the herd up to new pasture.” Eddie pulled Linette into his arms and searched her face with hope. But she couldn’t give him the words he wanted. Yes, he’d said he would wait. No demands. Yet she felt his longing as clearly as she felt the air fill her lungs. “Take good care,” she said, and boldly lifted her face and kissed him.
He hugged her tight then hurried away.
She watched him go then climbed the hill to the house.
The house was almost finished, but Eddie said he would complete the work before they were married. They hadn’t yet set a date. She knew he wanted to hear back from Margaret, officially freeing him from his offer. But she wondered if he also waited for a reply from his father. What if his father forbade the marriage? He would never choose her over his father’s approval.
She went immediately to the row of rooms upstairs. They were in a separate wing from the family rooms. Meant for the Gardiner family. But she saw them as suitable for an entirely different purpose. A place of healing and rest for the hurting and weary. She had already moved cots into two of the rooms and now she mentally furnished them and imagined them occupied.
Racing horses’ hooves caught her attention. She hurried to a window in time to see Slim race to the barn and throw himself from the saddle even before the horse stopped. The horse was lathered in a way Eddie would frown on. Slim raced to the barn and pushed the big doors open.
Something was wrong.
She dashed from the house and jogged down the hill in time to see Slim rattle from the barn in the wagon.
“Wait,” she called.
He saw her and shouted, “...hurt.” But he didn’t slow down.
Had he said Eddie was hurt? She was certain he had and she sank to her knees to watch the wagon bounce along the trail. She didn’t move until it disappeared from sight.
And then she returned to the big house to the windows that allowed her a view of the ranch. From where she stood, she could see the wagon before it reached the barn. Before it could be seen from the cabin or any of the buildings below her.
Lord, keep him safe.
Her knees failed and she sank to the chair, never taking her eyes from the window.
How badly was he injured? Her heart beat double time.
What if he was worse than injured? The blood congealed in her veins.
She couldn’t imagine life without him. She’d give up every dream, every desire, if it meant she could share the rest of her life with him.
The truth hit her with such force she groaned.
She loved him. But she’d never told him.
Why had she waited so long? Perhaps she would never get the chance now.
She’d held back her words because of her father. Fearing Eddie would somehow turn into a man like him. See her as currency to be used in a business deal. But Eddie was not her father. Never would be. Eddie loved her. And she knew her heart was safe in his care.
Oh, why had she been so stubborn? So prideful?
Why had she feared so much to love a man? A verse her nurse had taught her came to mind. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear...he that feareth is not made perfect in love.
God’s love was perfect and complete. It enabled her to love a man, to say the words to him.
Tears washed her soul.
She’d wasted so much time. Maybe lost her chance.
Lord, forgive me. Please give me a chance to tell him how much I love him.
She remained at the window until she saw a twist of dust far to the north then dashed from the house and down the hill to await the wagon.
She prayed it wasn’t Eddie, but if it wasn’t him it would be one of the other men or some unfortunate stranger. She couldn’t guess how badly the poor injured party was, only that the injury was severe enough to send a man back for the wagon.
The wagon drew closer, surrounded by a guard of men. It took her only one quick glance to see Eddie wasn’t among those on horseback and with a cry straight from her fractured heart, she raced forward.
Ward dropped from his horse and caught her in his arms. “He looks worse than he is.”
“Let me go.” She struggled in his arms, straining toward the wagon.
“Best let us clean him up first.”
“I must see him.” She broke from his grasp and made it to the back of the wagon before anyone could stop her.
“Eddie.” His name wailed past her teeth.
He lay motionless on the wooden wagon bed. Blood covered his face. She scrambled up beside him, kneeling at his head but not touching him. Afraid to, lest she hurt him further. “What happened?”
“His horse stumbled in a hole and threw him into a rock. Knocked him out cold.”
Ward touched her back. “We need to get him inside.”
She thought of the bedroll where he always slept and quickly made a decision. “Take him to the big house. He’ll be more comfortable there.” The bed she’d pictured as respite for a wounded stranger was about to hold the one she loved.
The wagon jerked forward and Linette pressed her palms to the floor to keep her balance. “Eddie, wake up,” she whispered.
But he showed no response.
Blood wept from his hairline and she lifted her fingers but drew back without touching his skin. Would she make things worse? She didn’t know and wished she’d defied her father and entered a hospital to train as a nurse.
“Let us carry him in.”
She hadn’t noticed they’d pulled up to the house and she shifted aside so four men could tenderly lift Eddie from the wagon and carry him up the stairs. She rushed ahead, grabbed a handful of blankets from one of the storage crates and tossed them to the bed.
Through it all Eddie made not one sound. Didn’t even flinch.
Linette pressed her lips together to keep from crying out. She sucked in air and pushed resolve into her trembling body. “I need water. A basin. Towels.”
Someone put a chair next to the bed and she sank into it, never taking her attention from Eddie’s face. Please, Lord, let him open his eyes.
Ward set a small table beside her, along with a basin of water. Eddie still did not stir.
She wet a cloth and tenderly, gingerly, patted at the blood. “I can’t tell where it’s coming from.” Her voice shook like a wind-battered leaf. She rinsed the rag out and finished cleaning his face. He was so pale. So still. Only the rise and fall of his chest assured her he was alive.
Fresh blood flowed down his cheek and pooled in his ear. She sponged it off and pushed his matted hair aside to search for the wound. It gaped a few inches above his ear, blood flowing steadily. She tried to push the edges together but there was too much swelling. She rinsed the cloth again then pressed it to the wound. The blood flow stopped.
She ran her gaze over the rest of his body. “Is anything broken?”
“Don’t seem to be,” one of the men replied.
“He’s been out a long time,” Ward said, his voice tight with worry.
Worry Linette shared. Eddie was too quiet. Deathly still. “I don’t know what we can do but wait. I’ll watch him until he wakens.”
Roper stepped back. “Come on, boys. The boss will expect the work done when he wakes up.”
One by one they slipped away until only Ward remained. “You’ll be okay on your own?”
She nodded. “I’ll give a holler if I need anything.”
He nodded. “We’ll check on you in a bit.”
Then she was alone with Eddie and she let the tears flow unchecked. “Don’t you die on me, Eddie Gardiner. I never got a chance to tell you I love you.”
She checked the wound. It still oozed and she applied pressure again. Please, God. Please, God. She couldn’t form any more of a prayer but knew God heard the cry of her heart.
Cassie stepped into the room, a covered plate in her hands. “Any change?”
“He hasn’t moved. Not once.”
“You need to eat.” She handed Linette the plate.
Linette stared at it. “What’s this?”
“Supper.”
“It can’t be.” She glanced toward the window. The sun almost touched the mountaintops. “How long have I been here?” She’d been vaguely aware of one or another of the cowboys slipping in and leaving again. Cookie had come once, tsked and left again.
“At least six hours.”
She turned toward Cassie. “Six hours and he’s still unconscious.” Her voice caught. “That’s not a good sign.”
Cassie shook her head. “Everyone is praying.”
Linette nodded, but strength seeped from her body. She set the plate on the table lest she drop it.
“I’ll be back after Grady is asleep.” Her friend patted Linette’s shoulder then slipped away.
Linette fell on her knees at the side of the bed, clutching Eddie’s limp hand in hers, willing him to waken. “Eddie, I love you. Don’t leave me. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. Don’t leave me. Please, God, don’t take him from me.”
She wasn’t aware darkness had fallen until Ward entered and set a lamp on the table. She didn’t recall returning to the chair, but she sat close to the bed still holding his hand.
“I’ll sit with him while you rest,” Ward offered. “Cassie made up the bed across the hall.”
“I can’t leave.”
“You’ll be close. I’ll call if anything changes.”
Still, she didn’t move.
“You need to keep up your strength.”
A cry filled her mouth and she clamped her fist to her lips to stop it from escaping. Did he mean Eddie could remain like this for a long time? Or did he mean Linette might be faced with a funeral and the sorrow accompanying it?
She bolted from the room, threw herself on the bed and sobbed into the pillow.
She must have dozed off, because she was startled by a sound from the other room and dashed across the hall. “Eddie?”
It was Slim. “Sorry, Linette, there’s been no change.”
“I’ll be back in a moment to sit with him.” She did a quick toilet and rushed back to the house. Dawn spread fingers of pink across the sky as she threw back the door.
Upstairs, the men had gathered.
“He’s not going to die.” She stared hard at each in turn, not shifting until each had lowered his eyes. “Is there a doctor in the area?”
Slim shook his head. “Don’t know. Never heard of one. Closest is Fort Benton.”
She turned to Ward. Eddie had often said he was the best rider. “Ward, ride to town and ask around. I don’t care how far you have to go. Bring back a doctor if there’s one anywhere at all.”
“It’s several days to Fort Benton. Do you want me to go that far?”
“Go a reasonable distance. But hurry.”
He was already out of the room.
She turned back to the others. “Now, go about your business and stop hanging around as if it’s a death watch. I’ll stay with him.”
They hesitated until she shooed them away.
Finally, alone again, she sat at Eddie’s side. Someone had brought fresh water and she gently washed his face and hands, as much to have something to do as anything. As she worked, she talked softly. “Eddie, I know God’s in control, but it’s hard to trust Him when you’re lying here so still. Please wake up. I know you can’t hear me, but I will say it anyway. I love you. Wake up and hear me. I love you.”
The men came, one by one, and left again. She knew they were concerned about their boss.
Cassie brought tea and toast. Cookie lumbered up the stairs and wheezed a few minutes before she sighed sadly and left again.
Linette wanted to order all of them to stop acting as if Eddie was dying. He couldn’t die. Please, God.
From outside she heard a horse gallop into the yard. She sprang to the window. Ward had returned, but he was alone. She searched the back trail for a slower horse, a buggy or wagon, but saw nothing. She turned as Ward clattered into the room.
“Ain’t no doctor within a hundred miles.”
She sucked in dry air that made her cough. “Then we’ll wait and pray.”
“Brought the mail.” He set a bundle of letters on the table.
She glanced at them. Saw the return addresses. Randolph Gardiner in bold letters. Eddie’s father had written. Would he threaten dire consequences to Eddie if he proceeded with his plan to marry Linette?
She recognized the handwriting on another letter as Margaret’s.
She jerked away. Nothing mattered but seeing Eddie wake.
The day slipped away without him moving. Again, Slim insisted she lie down in the other room. And again, she fell asleep crying and praying.
She bolted awake. The room was dark. Silent. Her heart raced. Eddie had called. She’d heard his voice as if he stood at her bedside. She raced across the hall to Eddie’s room where a lamp on the table gave the place a golden glow. Roper sat on a chair at the bedside. She dropped to the floor at Eddie’s side. “Eddie?” But he didn’t move. Didn’t show any sign of response.
Her heart still beat a hard tattoo against her ribs. What had wakened her? “Eddie.” She spoke his name louder. “Eddie, wake up.”
Nothing. She sank back on her heels. No sign of a response.
Roper guided her to the chair. “It will soon be morning.”
She shook her head. “It’s dark as coal out there.”
“It’s always darkest before dawn.”
His words slid through her like life-giving rain to a drought-stricken desert. He hadn’t likely meant them as anything more than an observation, but they gave her hope. She would not give up even though there’d been no change.
Vaguely she realized the light in the room increased, that Roper turned the lamp off and slipped away.
But her every breath, every thought, every energy focused on Eddie, willing him to live. Over and over, she murmured his name. Sometimes gently, other times demanding as if she could order him to wake up.
“Eddie, I love you.” She would say the words again and again in the hope he would waken and hear them.
Her head fell forward. She jerked upright. She must stay awake. If he only regained consciousness for a second, she would not miss it. She would not miss her chance to tell him she loved him.