She was raised in a less-than-perfect home. Her father, a frustrated writer, was an alcoholic and abused her mom, her older sister and her. What left the deepest scars were his words: “You’re just trash, and you’ll always be trash.”
So when Mary Jane Watson—aspiring actress and the girlfriend of the city’s greatest hero, Spider-Man—appears as the lead in a Broadway production, she feels that she has finally overcome her past and has reached her dreams.
Then she reads the comments of a critic who gave her performance a negative review.
“It’s just … I look at these words, and it’s like my father wrote them.”
Mary Jane is torn apart by what others think, speak and write about her. But isn’t that to be expected? Who wouldn’t be hurt by negative words? Or is there more to her reaction than simply the cutting words of a critic?
Mary Jane appears to have what counselors call “approval addiction,” a condition similar to codependency. The symptoms of approval addiction include:
• Perfectionism, or working extra hard to make everything just right.
• Conflict avoidance—giving in to others rather than standing for what you believe to be right.
• Poor decision-making skills. Thus, those with approval addiction spend much of their time thinking rather than doing—you don’t want to do it wrong, so you don’t do anything at all.
• Trouble expressing emotions, especially anger.
• Lack of self-confidence; constantly needing others to say, “You are doing a good job.”
• Trouble telling the truth—will often tell lies for convenience rather than speak the truth that might cause a conflict.
• Fearful of rejection more than anything else.
Do you see Mary Jane in any of the above? How about yourself? Could it be that you, like Mary Jane Watson, have an unhealthy need for approval from others? Some doctors feel that codependency, or approval addiction, is an epidemic in our culture today. How does one become codependent?
Studies show that approval addiction is often handed down from generation to generation within families. For instance, if your grandmother was codependent, chances are good that your mom or dad picked up some of those characteristics and are now passing them on to you. If you have felt a rejection within your family for how you act or what you believe, you could be a candidate for codependency. And if you feel that you must follow a list of “dos” and “don’ts” in order to please your parents—or God—then you are already showing signs of codependency. Those who come from families where one or both parents struggle with alcohol or drug abuse are prime candidates for approval addiction.
Just like Mary Jane Watson. Her father never became a big-time author. He finds himself stuck in a low-paying, dead-end teaching job, and to blur his misery he reaches for a bottle most every night. Instead of taking responsibility for his life and those in his care, he lashes out at his daughter, calling her horrible names. Sticks and stones may break our bones, but names reach to our very souls, scarring us for life.
Mary Jane carries on the cycle, living her life trying to win approval from others. And when she doesn’t, she falls further into despair. To escape the state of despair, she works harder to gain approval. And so on. Many of us may be able to ignore the cutting comments of a critic, but not someone with approval addiction. Not Mary Jane Watson.
But there is hope. Let’s go back to the beginning, where we see Mary Jane devastated by what she reads in the paper. She says to Peter, “It’s just … I look at these words, and it’s like my father wrote them.”
The words her father spoke to her, words that made Mary Jane feel worthless, are still shaping her life. They have carved a deep ditch that she cannot get out of on her own. This is how damaging harsh words spoken by those we love and trust can be.
But there is Someone whose words can overcome the damage done in our lives. His words both to us and about us can lift us out of our ditch and put us on firm, unshakable ground.
His words are found in the Bible.
Our heavenly Father has spoken about us and to us through the Bible. These are words of life, not of despair and destruction. Read the following words and, where possible, put your own name into the verse to personalize the message.
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11, NKJV).
For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord (Ro-mans 8:38-39, NKJV).
Now thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumph in Christ (2 Corinthians 2:14, NKJV).
But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), and raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus (Ephesians 2:4-6, NKJV).
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13, NKJV).
And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:19, NKJV).
Behold what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God! (1 John 3:1, NKJV).
These are the words our Father has written to you, about you.
Toss away the negative reviews written by the world, by your enemy the devil, and focus on these words. The words of life.
The words of your Father.