Forgiveness. Such an easy thing to say; such a difficult thing to offer. It’s difficult to offer forgiveness to others when they’ve wronged us; it’s often even more difficult to offer it to ourselves.
In Spider-Man 3, we see the effects on Peter Parker/Spider-Man of withholding forgiveness, when he seeks revenge on Flint Marko/Sandman and when he humiliates Eddie Brock in the newspaper offices. But Peter cannot forgive others until he forgives himself.
Mary Jane has just dumped him. Then he finds out that Harry is the “other man.” We see Peter in the shower, and we can imagine that he is trying to wash away all of his hurts. Then he is slumped against the wall of his apartment. When there is a knock on the door, he can hardly pull himself up to answer.
Have you ever felt like you just can’t go any farther? Do you sometimes feel as if you were trying to push a boulder uphill? (Read up on the myth of Sisyphus and see if you don’t relate.) Then you know how Peter feels at this time in his life.
Depression is just one sign that someone is holding a grudge against himself. Other indicators include frequent outbursts of anger and rage (or outburst’s cousin, a lack of any emotion), making insulting comments about himself, and self-abusive behaviors. When you are angry with someone else, you might treat her with disrespect. The same thing occurs when you are mad at yourself.
The solution is fairly simple, but hard to actually do.
Peter gets up and answers the door. After a battle with the perpetually broken doorknob, Peter sees that his visitor is Aunt May. Just as her grace and beauty are in contrast with the drabness of Peter’s cluttered apartment, her kindness in word and action clashes with Peter’s self-demeaning words and attitude.
“I never heard from you,” says Aunt May. “Did you ever propose?”
Peter shakes his head. “You said, a husband has to put his wife ahead of himself,” he says. “I’m not ready for that.” He hands Aunt May the ring—her very own wedding ring that she’d given to him in the beginning of the film.
“But what happened?” asks Aunt May. “You seemed so sure.”
“I, uh …” Peter hesitates and moves away. “I hurt her, Aunt May. I don’t know what to do.”
The wise, kind and gracious May shares with Peter a word we all need to hear when we are experiencing self-anger: “You start by doing the hardest thing: You forgive yourself.”
Peter doesn’t feel as though he deserves forgiveness from anyone, not even himself. But if he does not come to grips with his need for forgiveness, he will not be able to do what is needed next: rescuing Mary Jane from Venom.
Forgiving yourself is necessary, even essential, to living an emotionally healthy life. Maybe you are readily able to forgive others when they wrong you, but you can’t—or won’t—forgive yourself when you do wrong. Perhaps you think that what you have done is so bad and the price that needs to be paid so high that there is no way to earn forgiveness for yourself.
What does God have to say about our sins and what we should do about them? We read in Psalm 103:
God is sheer in mercy and grace; not easily angered, he’s rich in love. He doesn’t endlessly nag and scold, nor hold grudges forever. He doesn’t treat us as our sins deserve, nor pay us back in full for our wrongs. As high as the heaven is over the earth, so strong is his love to those who fear him. And as far as the sunrise is from the sunset, he has separated us from our sins (Psalm 103:8-12, THE MESSAGE).
Just how far is the sunrise from the sunset? Well, the sun rises in the east and sets in the west. So we might as well ask, how far is the east from the west? How far do you have to go east before you are now going west? The answer, of course, is infinity. You could travel east indefinitely and never be going in the opposite direction. What the writer of this psalm is saying is this: When we are forgiven by God, our sins are really gone. Not just moved to the side to be brought up again at a later date. Gone forever.
Let’s look at what God says about our sins through the prophet Jeremiah: “I’ll wipe the slate clean for each of them. I’ll forget they ever sinned!” (31:34, THE MESSAGE). If God is never going to remember our sins again, why do we insist on carrying them around in our heads, in our souls?
Forgiving yourself is not a Vulcan mind-meld trick, a way to block out negative thoughts. It is a recognition that God forgives sins, including yours. Self-forgiveness begins with coming before God, just as we are, to seek His forgiveness. The apostle John wrote:
If we claim that we are free from sin, we’re only fooling ourselves. A claim like that is errant nonsense. On the other hand, if we admit our sins—make a clean break of them—he won’t let us down: he’ll be true to himself. He’ll forgive our sins and purge us of all wrongdoing (1 John 1:8, THE MESSAGE).
Self-forgiveness is a two-step process: (1) confess our sins to God and receive His forgiveness; and (2) let go of our guilt inside ourselves. Most of us find the first part easier—much easier—than the second.
In order to let go of your grip on your failures, it may help to talk with someone else. If you don’t have an Aunt May in your life, your pastor or youth leader is a good place to start. Then you must trust that God is true to His word: He really will forgive your sins, wipe the slate clean, move them as far as sunrise is to sunset.
Aunt May is right when she tells Peter that forgiving one’s self is a hard thing to do. Most of us are harder on ourselves than we are on others. But if we do not take this step, we will not be in a position to rescue others when they call for help. And who knows when Venom may strike next in your life?
Be ready. Forgive yourself.