I wished Nelly was with me as I got ready to go to the hospital the next day. I wished it so hard it almost hurt. I thought about the times we’d got ready for dances together, Nelly choosing her lipstick according to which would stay strong with all the drinks she intended to sip, and men she intended to kiss. Not worrying about getting home before the sirens went off. Billy coming to meet us from the hall, teasing us about which fellas we’d been dancing with, and walking us home safely afterwards.
For the thousandth time I marvelled at how quickly and how totally life could change. Now I was down to my last tiny sliver of lipstick, and Nelly had no use for the cherry red Yardley I’d bought her for Christmas. I had no one to see me home because Billy was gone, and I was getting ready alone because Nelly was so ill.
And, I wasn’t going dancing, of course. I was going to work. Sort of.
A little shiver of excitement ran through me as I brushed my hair to make it shine. I was going to see Harry. Just him and me. And even if this romance – was it even a romance? – came to nothing, then at least we’d given it a go. Taken a chance. The war had taught me many things, but living each day as if it were my last was possibly the most important lesson of all.
Even though we were meeting in a dusty old room in the basement, I didn’t want to meet Harry in my uniform with my face bare and my hair pulled back. So I packed a bag neatly with my clothes for later, and a cloth so I could wash my face before I started my shift. Matron did not look kindly on nurses who wore makeup on to the ward.
Then I put on my best dress. I’d had it since before the war, and it had a pretty flowered pattern. I liked how it swished around my knees.
But when I checked my reflection I thought I looked fine for a dance or a party, but not for walking through the streets of South London in the middle of the afternoon.
So I pulled it off again and put on skirt and a sweater because though I wanted to look nice, I didn’t want to look like I’d tried too hard. Goodness this was difficult.
‘Oh Nelly,’ I said aloud, looking at my reflection as I rubbed the end of my kohl pencil along my eyelid. ‘It’s so typical of you to desert me in my hour of need.’
Makeup done, I gave myself a last look in the mirror, put on my coat and hat, picked up my bag and headed out of the door.
I was nervous about how I was going to make it to the basement without being spotted. I thought if anyone saw me, I’d say I was taking a message to theatre. And me not being in uniform wouldn’t matter because I could just tell everyone I was visiting Nelly. But I still felt worried. I wasn’t even sure Harry would be there. I’d look a right lemon if he didn’t show up, I thought, as I walked towards the station. I didn’t know if he would want to come. Or if Jackson would have delivered the book as I’d asked.
I stopped walking suddenly. What if Jackson showed up and Harry didn’t? What if he’d intercepted my message and would be waiting for me instead?
My breathing quickened, making little puffs of cloudy air in front of me. Surely that was impossible? He had no way of knowing I’d written that note, nor that the note was even there. Despite the uncomfortable way he made me feel, I didn’t think he was a bad man. Not really. Not deep down. Did I?
‘It’s fine,’ I muttered to myself firmly. ‘It’s fine.’ I would check the boiler room first, before I went inside, I thought. There was a little window on the door to let in light. I’d peek through there and make sure Harry was inside before I went in.
Feeling more certain, I climbed the stairs to the station platform.
*
I got through the hospital corridors without seeing anyone I knew – everyone was so busy all the time that they were dashing around all over the place and no one noticed me heading downstairs.
I walked along the hall to the boiler room feeling half excited, half scared. I stopped for a second to gather myself, and then peeked through the little window.
To my utter relief and delight, I saw that Harry was there. He was wearing his uniform trousers and a loose white vest and he looked just as nervous as I felt.
I took a deep breath and opened the door, feeling every one of my nerves vanish as soon as he turned and smiled at me.
‘Elsie,’ he said. ‘You came.’
‘I was worried you’d not be here,’ I told him, fighting the urge to run to him and throw myself into his arms because this was really the first time we’d met properly. ‘But here you are.’
‘Here I am.’
We both stood a little way apart from each other. I felt a bit awkward suddenly, not sure what to do or say.
‘Should we …’ I began, just as Harry said: ‘I’ve got an idea.’
I laughed. ‘This is a little odd, isn’t it?’
Harry’s shoulders relaxed. ‘So odd. I feel like I’ve known you all my life and also that we’ve never met.’ He grinned at me and again I felt a pull towards him, wanting to feel his arms around me. ‘What were you going to say?’
‘Just that we could lock the door,’ I said, feeling my cheeks burning. ‘I don’t mean … well, you know? I just thought we don’t want anyone finding us in here.’
‘Good idea.’
I turned the key in the lock and feeling more comfortable turned back to Harry. ‘What were you saying?’
He looked at his feet. ‘I had an idea, but you might think it’s silly.’
‘What’s the idea?’ I liked the way he spoke, his northern accent making the words sound warm and loving. Or perhaps that was just how I was hearing them.
‘I thought that as we can’t get to know each other the normal way, going out to the pictures or having a drink and that, we could do it all now. Here.’
‘In the boiler room?’
‘Told you it was silly.’
‘No, it’s interesting. What do you mean?’
He looked up at me and smiled again. ‘Don’t laugh, but I thought about what we’d do if it was a normal night out. So, first up, I’d pick you up from your house and take you for a drink.’
‘All right.’
Harry gave me his arm, and I looped my hand through it, and feeling faintly ridiculous I walked alongside him as he strolled round the boiler room. It was so small it only took three strides to get across the whole room, and we had to steer round a table that was in the corner, but we walked up and down a few times.
‘Lovely weather we’re having,’ he said, looking up at the ceiling. ‘Glorious sunshine.’
I giggled. ‘Very unusual for the time of year.’
‘Ah here we are,’ Harry said.
‘Where are we?’
‘We’re in the Three Crowns.’ He looked at me and I beamed up at him, enjoying myself now. ‘It’s my favourite pub in Lytham. Right on the seafront, it is. You can hear the seagulls calling, and if the tide’s in …’ He tilted his head. ‘Yes, you can hear the waves.’
‘Do you miss it?’ I asked. ‘The sea?’
‘I do. I like being near water.’
‘I’ve only ever been to Hastings,’ I said. ‘Oh, and I went to Pevensey once with my brother. He was sick because he ate too much ice cream and then went on the carousel.’
‘I’ll take you to Blackpool,’ Harry said. ‘It’s really something. You can have a ride on a donkey.’
‘Well we’re here now,’ I said, sweeping my arm around the boiler room. ‘In the Three Crowns.’
Harry looked aghast. ‘We are not in Blackpool,’ he said firmly. ‘We are in Lytham St Anne’s, thank you very much.’
‘Sorry,’ I said. ‘Lytham.’
‘Have a seat.’
Harry showed me to the corner of the room where he’d arranged some tatty blankets into a neat pile for me to sit on.
Obediently, I plonked myself down and arranged my skirt around my legs.
‘What would you like to drink?’
‘Gin and orange,’ I said.
‘Coming up.’
Harry went over to where he’d left a bag – I’d not noticed it when I first came in – and pulled out two glasses. They were the glasses patients had next to their beds. Then he also produced a glass bottle half-filled with water.
‘Where on earth did you get that?’
‘Pilfered it off the nurse’s desk in my ward,’ he said with a wink. ‘Gin and orange, was it? I’ll have a pint.’
He poured some water into our glasses, handed me one, then sat down next to me.
‘Cheers,’ he said. We clinked our glasses together. I was having more fun than I’d had for ages. I felt a sudden wave of guilt for being happy when poor Nelly was suffering upstairs but I pushed it aside. Nelly was the biggest lover of fun I’d ever met. She’d adore all this.
‘I’m having a very nice time,’ I said.
Harry was sitting close to me and I could feel the warmth of his body through my jumper. ‘I’m glad. I wanted it to be special, in case …’
‘I know,’ I said. Surprising myself I took his hand in mine. His fingers were soft and curled round mine like they were meant to fit together. ‘What are we doing next?’
‘I thought we’d go to the pictures.’
‘How …’
‘What was the last film you saw?’
I thought about it. ‘Nelly and I went to see some terrifying thing in the summer. Now what was it called? Gaslight, that was it. It gave us the proper shivers.’
Harry arranged himself more comfortably on the pile of blankets and put his arm round my shoulder. ‘Tell me about it,’ he said.
‘I remember it started with a robbery,’ I began.
‘No, wait,’ Harry said. ‘Newsreel first.’ Adopting the clipped tones of a Pathé presenter, he said: ‘A wounded airman from Biggin Hill is returning to base after being cared for at the South London District Hospital. He says his injuries were worth it because he met a beautiful nurse.’
‘Oh, stop it,’ I said, giggling.
‘Time for the film, then. Tell me the story.’
A lot had happened since Nelly and I were last at the pictures, but I found that sitting there in the snug boiler room, Harry’s arm around me, I could remember all the details of the thrilling film we’d watched.
Harry listened carefully, asking clever questions, and pointing out things I’d not thought of. By the time I’d finished I really felt like I’d seen it again.
‘Did I explain it well enough?’ I asked. ‘I’m afraid I’ve spoiled it for you now.’
Harry grinned. ‘I’d seen it anyway.’
I gave him a good-natured shove. ‘And you asked all those questions?’
‘I liked hearing you talk.’
‘What’s next?’ I said.
‘Now we go dancing.’ He stood up and pulled me to my feet. ‘Come on.’
‘There’s no music.’
Harry cleared his throat. ‘You are my sunshine,’ he began to sing. He took me in his arms and we swayed together, our bodies pressing into one another as he hummed in my ear.
I gazed at him and he kissed me. All my senses sprang into life like a jack-in-the-box bursting open. It felt as though all my nerve endings were tingling and my hair was standing on end. I could smell the hospital soap on Harry’s skin, and feel the heat of his breath on my face. I’d kissed boys – men – before of course, but never like this. My head was spinning and I thought Harry felt the same way because when we broke apart he looked quite dazed.
‘Blimey, Elsie,’ he said. ‘Blimey.’
He kissed me again, for a long time. At some point – I wasn’t sure when – we sat down again and we kissed until we were both lying down on the pile of soft blankets, Harry’s weight on top of me. Until he suddenly sat up. ‘We should, erm, stop,’ he muttered, adjusting his top self-consciously. ‘Sorry. I didn’t mean to. You know.’
I chuckled at him being so flustered. ‘It’s fine,’ I said. ‘Honestly.’ I sat up too and ran my fingers through his tousled hair. ‘You’re going away again tomorrow, and that means we might never get the chance to be together again.’
Harry touched his nose to mine. ‘Not if I have anything to do with it.’
‘But, Harry, you might not have anything to do with it. That’s the awful, horrible thing.’
‘I know.’ He rested his forehead on mine and we gazed at one another. I thought I could stay there, looking into his eyes, forever. I took a breath.
‘Let’s not stop,’ I said, almost unable to believe what I was saying. ‘Let’s not.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘If you are?’
‘I’ve never been more sure of anything in my whole life.’
*
Much later, I realised someone might be missing Harry.
‘The Red Cross nurses think you’ve gone for a walk and you’ve been ages,’ I said. ‘You really should go.’
‘I suppose you’re right.’ Harry sounded reluctant. He sat up and pulled on his shirt. ‘You will write to me, won’t you?’
‘Of course I will. It’s really the only way I know how to communicate with you.’
Harry chuckled and I was pleased. I liked making him laugh.
‘What time are you leaving tomorrow?’
He shrugged. ‘They’ll just come and get me when they’re ready.’
I felt a hard knot of despair settle in my gut. ‘I’ll miss you.’
Harry leaned over and kissed me again. ‘I’ll miss you too, Sunshine.’
A sudden noise from the door made us spring apart. ‘What was that?’ I said. I looked over and thought I saw a face at the little window. ‘Was someone there?’
Harry held his finger up, telling me to be quiet and we both stayed silent, listening. Eventually he shook his head. ‘Must have just been someone walking past,’ he said. ‘Nothing to worry about.’
‘You go first and I’ll follow,’ I said. ‘We can’t leave together.’
We kissed again and Harry went towards the door, pausing with his fingers on the handle, looking away from me. ‘I’m not going to turn round because if I see your face now, I might never go,’ he said. ‘And then there would be a whole court martial thing, and I’d probably get shot, and it would be a big old mess.’
I laughed. ‘Please don’t do that then.’
‘I just want you to know that today has been the best day of my whole life, no question. And I’m going to see you again, Elsie. I promise. You’re my sunshine.’
He opened the door and he was gone, just like that.
I sat there for a while, wondering if I’d dreamt that perfect afternoon. Then I gathered all my things – my bag and coat – and let myself out of the boiler room. I had to get changed into my uniform, I thought, and visit Nelly and obviously I had to go and start my shift, and then … ‘Oh,’ I said as I walked round the corner and came face to face with Jackson. ‘Lord you made me jump.’
He gave me a strange sort of wolfish smile. ‘What are you doing down here?’ he asked. ‘Down here in the basement?’
‘Theatre,’ I blurted. ‘Taking a message to theatre.’
He looked me up and down. ‘You’re not in uniform.’
‘No,’ I said. ‘Neither are you.’
He wasn’t wearing his porter’s coat and he didn’t have his trolley or a wheelchair or a patient.
Jackson straightened up to his full height and with a slight desperation I found myself trying to work out if I could duck past him and carry on down the corridor. But he was quite a large man, and I didn’t want to squeeze alongside him. There was a brief pause and then slowly, he stepped aside.
‘Have a good shift,’ he said. ‘Don’t work too hard.’
I hurried past him then stopped as he added: ‘You must be exhausted. All these extra hours you’re putting in.’
What did he mean by that? Extra hours? Did he know I’d been at the hospital all afternoon?
I didn’t want to ask so instead I just walked away, feeling his eyes on me the whole time.