Mrs Gold arranged everything. As I was packing a bag, with a few possessions, she arrived home. I heard her coming upstairs and opened the front door to let her in.
‘You look better,’ she said as she followed me back into my bedroom. ‘Are you doing all right?’
‘I feel really calm.’ I shook my head. ‘I don’t know why.’
She leaned against the doorframe and studied me. ‘Sometimes, when the worst things you can imagine have happened, you stop being frightened.’
‘I’ve got nothing left to lose.’ I felt a shiver of self-pity and Mrs Gold straightened up and came over to where my suitcase lay on the bed and began looking through what I’d packed. ‘Now, that’s not true, is it?’
I smiled. ‘I suppose not.’ I let my hand drift down to my abdomen. ‘And I have Harry.’
‘You don’t need three sweaters, Elsie. It’s April, for heaven’s sake.’
‘I feel the cold. And Ireland’s chilly – Nelly always said so.’
‘It’s rainy. You’d be better with a mackintosh.’
‘I have one. It’s hanging up behind the door.’
Mrs Gold went to get it and began folding it up. ‘There’s a boat leaving from Liverpool on Thursday, sailing to Dublin,’ she said.
‘So soon?’ Today was Monday.
‘I’d have preferred it to be sooner, but the only other ship is going from Fishguard and that’s not as straightforward to get to from London.’
She opened her handbag. ‘These are your train tickets. Albert and I will take you to the station and I’m going to travel with you.’
‘To Dublin?’
‘No, just to Liverpool, I’m afraid. But I’ll see you on to the ship.’
I threw my arms around her and hugged her and after a moment when I thought she might push me away, she hugged me back.
‘I owe you,’ I said.
‘You owe me nothing, darling. Now, what about shoes?’
*
It was a strange feeling, saying goodbye to the house I’d lived in since I was a child. I took a photograph of my parents, one of Billy in uniform, and another of Nelly and me when were student nurses, and slipped them into my bag. And then I stood for a moment in the lounge, looking round and wondering if I’d ever come back. I had no plans beyond finding Nelly’s family. I thought perhaps I could find a job at a hospital in Dublin for a while. Mrs Gold had said she would sort out tenants for my flat.
‘It’ll give you an income for when the baby’s born,’ she’d said. ‘I’m sure someone from work would move in.’
I was staggered by how kind she was being. And more than a little overwhelmed at how she was making things happen. But she was staying infuriatingly tight-lipped about how she had so much authority.
‘Are you ready?’ she called. ‘Albert has just pulled up in the car and the train leaves at four.’
I looked round the lounge again, thinking of happier times with my parents and with Billy. ‘Coming,’ I said.
Mr Gold was hurrying up the path, looking a little flustered as Mrs Gold and I went to meet him. He came into the hall and looked up at us where we stood on the stairs. ‘It’s all arranged,’ he said a little breathlessly. ‘It’s all done.’
‘Really?’ Mrs Gold clapped her hands. ‘You saw him?’
‘I did.’ He reached into his inside pocket and pulled out a letter. ‘This is for you,’ he said holding it out.
I went down the last few stairs and put my suitcase on the floor so I could open it. My heart was fluttering because I recognised the writing on the front of the envelope. It was from Harry.
“My darling Elsie,” he’d written. “Well, isn’t this a turn-up for the books? Just this morning I received your letter telling me you are expecting. I’m so pleased, Elsie.”
My breath caught in my throat as I read the words. I’d been worried he’d be cross or – even worse – indifferent. But of course he was pleased. He was a lovely man, wasn’t he?
“And then, as I was thinking about how I would ask you to marry me first chance I got, I was called into the flight sergeant’s office and given emergency leave to go to Liverpool.”
‘What’s this?’ I said looking up at Mr Gold. ‘What does this mean?’
He grinned at me. ‘Harry’s got twenty-four hours. That’s all I could arrange, I’m afraid. But it’s enough to get him to Liverpool and back.’
I looked at Mrs Gold, where she stood on the stairs looking thrilled to bits, and then at Mr Gold, and then back at the letter.
“Will you marry me?” Harry had written.
‘We’re getting married?’ I said in wonder. ‘Are we?’
‘If you want,’ Mr Gold said. ‘It’s not strictly legal, but we’ll sort out the paperwork when you’re safely in Ireland. But only if you want to.’
‘No pressure,’ Mrs Gold added. ‘Do you?’
I could hardly believe how I’d gone from wretched despair to absolute happiness in just a few hours. ‘I do,’ I said.
*
And after that it was like a whirlwind. Mrs Gold and I got on the train at Euston and we were soon speeding our way up north. I’d left London before, of course. I’d been to Pevensey and Hastings, and I remembered going to visit a great-aunt who lived near Hever Castle, but I’d never been to the north of England before. It was hard to tell where we were because the station names had all been removed, and it was often slow going as we stopped to allow a goods train to go ahead of us. But we eventually reached Liverpool, dusty and dirty. Mrs Gold had the address of some rooms where we were to stay and to my relief – because I was tired and starting to feel more than a little queasy – they weren’t far from the station.
The landlady let us in. She was wearing a dressing gown and had her hair in a scarf. She obviously knew Mrs Gold because they kissed hello and she didn’t ask any questions about who we were or why we were there. Instead, she showed us to a basic room with two hard single beds, and said: ‘Lav’s down the hall. No baths. No smoking in the bedrooms.’ She looked at us both with a steely glint in her eye. ‘No men.’ Her accent was strong and I had to concentrate on what she was saying, though I got the impression she was doing the same when I spoke.
She turned to go and then winked at Mrs Gold, pointing in her direction. ‘And you,’ she said. ‘Behave.’
‘Never,’ Mrs Gold said, flopping on to one of the beds.
The landlady went off down the hall and I watched her go, peeling off her housecoat to reveal a smart skirt and jacket underneath. A few minutes later we heard the front door slam and I looked out the window to see her leaving, bag tucked under her arm and her hair in victory rolls. I turned to look at Mrs Gold with a quizzical look but she just shrugged. ‘No questions, darling.’
*
I was to meet Harry off the train at lunchtime the following day and I found I was sick with nerves. Mrs Gold said she had something to attend to, so I went by myself. I had to sit down on a bench because my legs were shaking so much and the smoke and heat in the station made me light-headed. Harry’s train was due just after twelve but it was gone one o’clock and I was beginning to worry he wasn’t coming. Maybe he’d changed his mind, I thought. Maybe this was all a huge mistake. We barely knew each other. I let out a small sob. I was pregnant and alone. What was I thinking?
Or maybe something had happened? I thought, my mind flitting from one awful scenario to another. Had he been flying last night? Was he hurt? Was he dead? Feeling my palms beginning to sweat, I tried not to panic. I gulped some deep breaths, working out a plan. I didn’t know where Mrs Gold had gone but I knew where the church was, where we were supposed to be getting married later. I checked the large clock. In just a couple of hours from now. What if we missed our slot? I took another deep breath and shut my eyes for a second, steadying myself.
And when I opened them again, there he was. Standing right in front of me, in his blue uniform, his cap under his arm. My Harry.
He opened his arms wide and I stood up and fell into his embrace, all of my worries and fears vanishing as we laughed and kissed and spoke over each other.
‘You look so pale. Are you eating enough? You have to eat for two now,’ he told me, stroking my hair and looking at me.
‘I thought something had happened. I was so worried. Are you all right?’ I babbled at the same time.
Eventually we stopped jabbering nonsense and simply gazed into each other’s eyes.
‘Is this madness?’ I said.
‘Complete madness,’ Harry agreed. ‘But strangely it makes total sense.’
‘You’re absolutely sure you want to get married?’
‘Absolutely sure.’
‘Because there’s something I need to tell you and I’m worried you might change your mind.’
Harry frowned. ‘Will I need a drink?’
‘Possibly.’ But then I shook my head. ‘But let me tell you first. I’ve been stewing over it for ages and I want to get it over with.’
For the first time, Harry’s smile faltered. We sat down on the bench where I’d been waiting for him and I tried to think of the right words to say.
‘Nelly died,’ I said.
‘I’m so sorry about that. She was a lovely woman. I know that’s why you’re going to Ireland.’
I shook my head. ‘You don’t know all of it.’
‘Tell me.’
I looked into his sweet face and then down at my knees, and I spoke in a rush. ‘Nelly was dying and she was in so much pain. So much, Harry. It was awful. It was going to be long and agonising.’ I took a shuddering breath. ‘She asked me to help her, to help her go quicker. And I did. I gave her morphine so she’d just fall asleep and not wake up.’
Harry was quiet. I braced myself, but he didn’t speak for ages. I shot him a glance but he was looking up to the ceiling where pigeons darted in and out of the smoke.
‘Do you want to find the police station?’ I said eventually in a small, scared voice.
Harry looked at me, finally. ‘What for?’
‘To tell them what I did.’
He looked at me with his brows furrowed. ‘What you did, Elsie, was really brave.’
‘It was illegal.’
He shrugged. ‘Maybe. But it wasn’t wrong.’ He reached out and stroked my cheek with his thumb. ‘She was suffering and you stopped it.’
‘I can’t ever tell anyone what I did.’
‘No,’ he agreed. ‘We’ll keep that to ourselves.’
‘I thought you wouldn’t understand, because of the seagull.’
He grinned at me. ‘I think I do understand because of the seagull.’
Weak with relief I leaned against him, and he kissed my temple.
‘Right then,’ he said, checking his watch. ‘I’ve got four hours until I need to be back on the train so I thought maybe we could go and find a pub, and then this afternoon if you’re not busy, we could go and get married. What do you reckon?’
I laughed. ‘I reckon that sounds like a plan.’