I’m no fundamentalist aesthete

There’s saints and there is animals, they’ve taken what they could,

And it’s written in the pages: Do just like they should,

They stood the test and burned the rest and tore them limb from limb,

And it’s marked upon their faces, it’s written on their skin.

—Beck Hansen, “Feel the Strain of Sorrow Never Ceasing”

Dr. Yice

My goodness, Tanis! Your hair is so short! And you’ve been working out a bit, I see. You’ve changed a great deal.

John Tanis

Well, you can’t be a pot-smoking, pot-bellied, C-student forever.

Dr. Yice

Oh, you always carried the weight very well. Now—

John Tanis

Now about that story?

Dr. Yice

(laughs) Right.

John Tanis

Well, here’s someone who’s anxious to get right down to it. A little anxious to get to it, are you?

Dr. Yice

Not anxious no, but that’s why we’re here. I must state, first off, that it is a highly unconventional story.

John Tanis

You got that right. It was just incredible, non?

Dr. Yice

Pretty incredible, yes.

John Tanis

You don’t sound too enthusiastic.

Dr. Yice

To be honest, Tanis, to be honest right from the beginning, this story is not good.

John Tanis

What, are you fucking kidding me?

Dr. Yice

No, now please, calm down, and don’t take this personally.

John Tanis

Oh, I’m calm. That’s just the way I am. You know that.

Dr. Yice

(laugh) Yes, yes, I apologize.

John Tanis

Tell me now, what’s your problem with Penis Forte?

Dr. Yice

I don’t have a problem with the story, per se. I just don’t see any merit in it. I found it confusing, random, aimless…more than a few of the longer sections seem to bear no relation to the rest of the story.

John Tanis

Well, I have to give you that. And I can’t pretend to know what the hell it means, but I thought it was beautiful.

Dr. Yice

Tanis, I’m no fundamentalist aesthete. You know that. But I do believe that when one deliberately flouts convention, it should be with some purpose in mind. I mean, the gratuitous use of irrelevant puns, the unnecessary literary and pop culture references, the lack of paragraphs or structure, the lack of concrete description. I have to be able to put my feet down somewhere, Tanis.

John Tanis

No, no, come on. There’s no reason to treat convention as the default. I mean, when it was conventional for every scholarly work to be written in Latin, so that nobody could read the damn thing, don’t you think that was a little ridiculous?

Dr. Yice

Not at all. Latin was an international language that allowed scholarly communication between disparate lands.

John Tanis

Oh, fuck me. Alright, nevertheless, conventions don’t always make sense. First of all, take first-person narration. I mean, half the time narrators are just spilling their guts to an invisible audience for no reason. What are we are hearing? Why the hell is the narrator writing the story?

Dr. Yice

Well, there are many interesting cases in which the author explains exactly why he is telling the story. He or she.

John Tanis

Look, it doesn’t matter, because I’m not talking about the exceptions. The Catcher in the Rye: Why is Holden telling his story? Who the hell is he telling it to? And A Clockwork Orange: What’s Alex doing recounting his whole damn life? And Lolita. And As I Lay Dying and...and just about every short story by Edgar Allan Poe. And just, just, ninety percent of everything you read. I’m saying that shit doesn’t make any sense. I’m not saying those are bad books or anything. They just follow a convention for no good reason.

Dr. Yice

Your point is taken, although you may want to re-examine some of those works you mentioned. But for the sake of argument: How else would you have them tell the story? How would you rewrite A Clockwork Orange from outside Alex’s head?

John Tanis

I don’t know. I mean, obviously, you couldn’t. It wouldn’t be the same book. But that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t have been a good book. And he could have just thought up some excuse for Alex to tell his story.

Dr. Yice

Well, then, don’t you see, that would be your suggested convention, more cumbersome and unwelcome than the current ones: Every author would have to insert some excuse for the telling of the tale. Writers tired of that one long before you or I was born. In fact, the current works you mention, which do not give any reason for their telling, are unconventional from an historical perspective.

John Tanis

Look, whatever. That doesn’t really concern me, because I’m not saying every story needs an excuse. I’m not saying every story needs anything. I’m saying that when every story does contain something, and there’s no reason for it, it’s ok to cut it out. That’s what my sister did, alright? She wrote an honest story for once. None of this come gather round me people or call me Ishmael crap. It’s all a bunch of bullshit to say that this first person narration stuff makes sense. It doesn’t, and my sister deserves a fucking medal for getting around it.

Dr. Yice

I don’t see that she really gets around it. She just creates more confusion. If she wants to see a more impressive solution, your sister should try Ulysses.

John Tanis

Why is your answer to everything fucking Ulysses? That’s a whole fucking different ballpark. That’s a whole different thing. Sure, sure, Joyce was God, but I’m sick of hearing about him. My sister wasn’t writing goddamn Ulysses, for Christ’s sake.

Dr. Yice

(laughing) Yes, I wholeheartedly—

John Tanis

Wait. Why did you say your sister like that? What did you mean?

Dr. Yice

Look, I mean no offense. It just seems to me…I had you in at least one class every year of your college education. I’ve read dozens of your essays and short stories. I know your style better than anyone, perhaps better than you yourself. I understand that siblings may have similar influences, styles and vocabularies; but it remains obvious to me that you wrote that story. There’s even the matter of the nom de plume—

John Tanis

My sister wrote that story.

Dr. Yice

I’ve known you for many years, and I’ve never heard you mention a sister. We’ve talked about your parents, your teachers, your friends and dates and boyfriends—

John Tanis

Boyfriends? What the fuck is that, a joke?

Dr. Yice

No, it’s...listen. I’m sorry if I’ve offended you.

John Tanis

Fuck you anyway. Give me the goddamned story back.

Dr. Yice

Tanis, calm down. I’m not trying to offend you here. I have a feeling your sister has the same doubts about this story.

John Tanis

Strike nineteen, asshole. She’s dead.

Dr. Yice

Oh. Oh, my god. Are you completely serious?

John Tanis

Dead, doc.

Dr. Yice

What happened, Tanis?

John Tanis

I don’t know. Well, shot in the back of the head, that’s what the police told me, but I don’t know who did it, or why. Look, I don’t give a shit about her being dead and her story not being published, if that’s what you think. My sister being dead doesn’t have anything to do with this. I just think it’s a good story.

Dr. Yice

And I respectfully disagree. If you would still like me to show it to some friends of mine, I’d be delighted to do so, but you shouldn’t expect positive results. I’m very—

John Tanis

No, I told you to give the fucking thing back to me.

Dr. Yice

Ok, but I’ve already copied it, and it’s ready to send out. If you want me to—

John Tanis

I don’t give a shit, send it out, I got more important things to do than take shit from a fucking cunt like you. But give me the fucking copy I gave you. Jesus, I should have gone to a real fucking college, you fucking conceited prick.

 

(crumpling of paper, heavy footsteps, a sudden squeak)

John Tanis

Hey, do you know where Hitler’s cock is?