“How are you feeling today, love?” Lisa asked warily, looking from Zack to Tork and then back at Adam. “And please don’t say brilliant and perfect.” She narrowed her eyes at Adam, who raised an eyebrow.
Tork laughed into his hand.
“I don’t know,” Kaz said. He’d woken up with Zack. At first, they’d talked and kissed passionately, then he’d burst into tears. The feelings and memories went from low to high and crazy and back again. In five minutes, he would think of Zack, the ocean, the run, his family—it went round and round in his head, but nothing made sense. He could cry and he could just as easily laugh. “I don’t know.”
“That’s the first honest statement you’ve ever made in this room.” Lisa shook her head. “You know, he was a challenge at first.” She pointed at Tork. “Slinking in and out, never saying a word… Then I noticed this cat hanging around, and that was how I made a breakthrough—cat food and a cat bed. And I suppose Adam helped.”
“Seems ages ago,” Adam said. “Now he’s almost normal.”
“Why, thank you.” Tork giggled. “You are too kind.”
“OK, so here’s the deal.” Lisa took her glasses off and peered forward. “First off, I’m sorry, Kaz. I didn’t give you enough time, enough thought. Of course you’re going to be dealing with more shit than most people see in a lifetime!” She smacked her head. “What was I thinking?” She nodded at Adam, who nodded back approvingly.
Tork smiled at Kaz knowingly.
“People can only talk when they’re ready, I should’ve known that. Sorry, love. We haven’t given you the right support. What you need is time and space. And a specialist counsellor.”
Kaz shook his head. “I can’t talk,” he said. “When they ask questions, I don’t even follow the words.” He couldn’t explain how his mind went blank and he struggled to breathe. Words were a noose that took away his family, and Coach. Words had never helped.
“I know,” she said. “Adam gave me a good telling off about PTSD and client-focused whatnot. All I’m going to do is what you tell me. But…” She glanced at Adam.
“But all that stuff in your room has to be moved somewhere else. Eventually. Not thrown away—moved to some place it’s allowed,” Adam finished. “There’s an old storage room Lisa says you can use. But only when you’re ready.”
“How does that sound?” Lisa put her glasses back on. “I can get management to agree to that. I can say it’s a work in progress.” She took them off again. “Rather than a dangerous fire hazard.”
“How about one thing at a time?” Zack murmured. “Like we did with the necklace?”
“In your own time,” Adam said. “It might take years, but that’s totally OK.”
Lisa shuddered. “I hope not. That room stinks.” Adam glared, and she began twirling her glasses round and round until they clattered across the desk.
Kaz thought of his sister playing in the yard as she dressed her dolls with beads. “Yes. Maybe,” he said. “If you’ll help me?”
“Of course we will. We’re your team, remember?” Adam grinned. “Which reminds me—we qualified.”
“We got in?” Tork grabbed at Adam excitedly. “Why didn’t you tell us?”
Zack gasped. “Oh my god. You mean I have to do it all again? I’m gonna need lots more training.” He squeezed, and then Kaz realised they were holding hands. He squeezed back.
“Training!” Adam snorted. “You mean making out behind that tree and flirting, half-naked.”
“Oh, yes. Both were vital to the team effort,” Kaz said seriously.
***
He began to eat again. At first a few bites, then more and more, and after a week, he was starving the whole time. He’d lived here almost a year and never dared to go near the food hall, but now, the cook at Citywise began making him extra snacks, which he devoured, and by dinner time, he was ready for more.
Tork stared as Kaz finished his third plateful of breakfast. “Wow. Where do you put it all?” They met at the dining room twice a day now, unless Tork was out with Adam, and then one of the others would turn up to make sure Kaz didn’t skip a meal. He was starting to suspect they had a timetable to watch over him. He didn’t know when it happened, but now, he couldn’t stop chatting. All day long he wanted to share and find out and be around other people. He’d found out all about Jo’s family, Adam’s background and Tork’s philosophy on life. He even knew about Lisa once going to prison.
“I’ve got long legs.”
“Which is why you need all those piles of trousers and odd shoes.”
“Yes! I am like a caterpillar.”
The laughing was new. The last few days, Kaz was still up and down, but every so often, it burst free and he was glad to be alive.
“Come on, then, if you’re ready. We’re going somewhere special today.” Tork led them out towards reception. Kaz knew there’d probably be nothing waiting for him there today, but still, the fluttering in his stomach started. Each morning, since the run, Zack had left a cake at reception on his way to work, and a little note. The staff would place them on Kaz’s shelf, and as he left Citywise, it made him feel like a superstar. Later on, they thought of names for the cakes. But realistically, Zack couldn’t do it forever—he had work and things to do. Kaz prepared himself for the disappointment.
“You don’t have college, Tork?”
“Not until later.”
The man on reception, Jim, smiled as they signed out. “Have a good day, lads. Present for you, Kaz.”
And there it was: a white envelope and square box. It was all he could do to not jump up and down with glee. “Thank you,” he told Jim. It was a small orange box with a bow. “It’s for me,” he told Tork. “From Zack—for me!”
“Of course it is. That’s so thoughtful of him. What is it today? Zack has it baaaad.” Tork grinned. “Adam says he’s feeding you love potions.”
“I’ve got it bad, too.” They peered into the box. “He’s melting me with care.”
“Looks like a Bakewell tart. Bring it with you to eat with a cup of tea at the shelter.”
Kaz put the box carefully in his bag, stroking it with one finger. “We’re going to the shelter?”
“Yep. I thought you might like to visit and meet the guy who’s in charge. Don’t worry, it’s quiet there in the mornings, and not far.”
They set off, with Tork telling him about the shelter and the events that led up to him meeting Adam.
“It was his kindness that got you off the streets?”
Tork laughed. “Adam was such a bossy idiot back then, but he looked at me like boys do when they think you’re hot. You know what I mean?”
Kaz thought of Zack’s coy glances and sizzling smile. “Yes.”
“When I was homeless, people only looked at me with pity or disgust, but suddenly, there was this arrogant rich boy checking me out. Of course, he hated it, at first.”
“But you charmed him with your origami?”
“And my knowledge of Dickens.” Tork laughed. “Just your typical homeless shelter love story.”
“Then what happened?”
“He discovered humanity, and humanity decided he was worth saving.”
“Yes but when did it happen?” Kaz nodded meaningfully, more desperate than ever to hear about relationships and physical intimacy. “Get to it.”
“You mean sex? Well, it took a while. I was as feral as Dickens when I first took him in. Living on the streets affects a person in all kinds of ways.” Tork grimaced then briefly squeezed Kaz’s arm. “It’ll happen with you and Zack whenever it’s meant to.”
“I can’t imagine you homeless. You seem so together.”
“Oh, I was in a state. I spent all day and night in my own head, making myself sick.” He shuddered as they arrived at a shabby looking building. “Here we are, and there’s your lovely man.”
He was in the kitchen talking, wearing white cooking clothes. He was smiling, his hands white from flour. Tingles went through Kaz as he stared, unable to look away from the man who’d helped recover all the parts of himself lost on the journey from home.
This last week, Zack had showered him with texts and calls, making sure he was OK. Zack always remembered. When his phone pinged, Kaz got warm hands and became a little dizzy. Zack understood about the piles, the rooftops and even the way Kaz felt like he was outside his own body. He knew—because he was for Kaz, and Kaz was for him.
“That’s Mike. He’s in charge here. Hey, guys.” Tork waved. “I’ve brought Kaz to say hello.”
“Hello, son, nice to meet you. So it’s you we have to thank for the run money?”
“Oh, no. I didn’t do much.” Kaz beamed, feeling his face colour up as Zack noticed him.
“That’s not what I hear. Give me five minutes, and I’ll show you round. Show him the kitchen, Zack.”
“Hey, you.” Zack pulled him into the kitchen. His apron was pulled tight across the stomach, revealing his curves. Blue eyes crinkled at the edges. “I was telling Mike about the training.” He was warm and solid, and present—on the phone, leaving gifts or sitting on the edge of the bed, but always in Kaz’s heart. “He swears he can tell I’ve lost weight even after that curry we had last night.”
Zack was there when he had a nightmare, sending him silly jokes and pictures of kittens. “Oh, and the popcorn.” He’d rush over when Kaz cried so hard his throat hurt, and even when he couldn’t be around, he left flowers outside Kaz’s door. He listened, and when he touched Kaz’s hand, all the hairs on his neck stood up and sang.
“What?” Zack asked. “You’re scrutinising me.”
“You have flour on your face.” Kaz reached up and brushed it away. “And in your hair.” The dark hair was soft as he touched it lightly. “And even on your nose.” Something bubbled up.
“I do not!”
Kaz kissed him and then he kept on kissing, and soon, his hands were wound around Zack’s neck, so close their skin was moulded together, the white mingling with the brown like sun on the desert at the end of day. All the nerves in his body shimmered like the wind on sand. He pushed against Zack’s trousers and felt him pushing back.
Zack held him back just as tightly, big hands encircling his waist like he was precious and necessary. “Oh, babe,” he whispered. “I can’t stop thinking about you.”
“Me, either.” It was true. At some point, perhaps when they were running round the park, Zack had crept inside Kaz and switched on a light in his darkest hidden corners. Light could not unmake the past, but Kaz gladly uncurled towards it and away from the ache and horror. He brushed his nose against Zack’s and thought of all the things they would do together.
Boyfriends.
“Morning, gentlemen. Is that a baton I see in your pockets?” Adam and Tork were standing in the doorway. “I’m not sure that’s gonna be good for the lamb stew!”
“Of course it is,” Tork said. “Cooking is all about love.”
“Right then, lads, let’s start with the tour. Then we’ll all have a cup of tea and you can meet some of our clients.” Mike winked at Kaz.
He smiled uncertainly and didn’t know what to do with his hands. “Fantastic!” he said.
* * * * *