CHAPTER 93

Greg Giraldo types a letter,

My dearest Manny,

I don’t quite know where to begin. You should know that as I write this I am sick to my stomach with shame.

Before I even begin to address the situation as Colin described it to me, I want to say some things that may be easier to express in writing and that hopefully will make clear that there was nothing underlying my moronic antics other than blind drunkenness.

First of all, Manny, you should know how incredibly highly I think of you. Our relationship has become, quite honestly, one of the most important in my life. You are one of the most interesting, intelligent and funny guys I’ve ever known. The friendship, support, inspiration and generosity you’ve shown me has affected me more deeply than you might even imagine.

Obviously, you know how much I like, admire and respect you. But perhaps you don’t know how deeply my feelings run. Hearing that I may have done or said anything that caused you any serious displeasure or that made you question my feelings toward you in any way has quite literally made me sick. I know we’ll be talking about this in person and I hope to be able to set things as straight as possible then, but I do want to talk about the general situation a little. Knowing you, I assume that you lend little credence to the notion that a drunk fool could spew completely meaningless bullshit. Colin and I discussed the fact that you are likely to think that what I said and did must have come from some real place, that I must have feelings beneath the surface that came to light in my drunkenness. Again, after talking to Colin, I only vaguely remember the specific things I said. But I hope you’ll believe me when I say from the bottom of my heart that I have absolutely no unresolved issues with you. I have nothing but positive and warm feelings for you. I love the discussions that we have. I was so happy with this whole book thing that I was going to suggest we all make it a habit to read the same things at the same time, etc. I think you’re always willing to listen to all perspectives and in fact are only too often frustrated that no one is able to provide a sufficiently challenging argument for you. Colin told me that the word ‘Nazi’ came up. The fucking stupidity of that is so obvious that I almost can’t think of what to say about it.

Colin also said that you felt betrayed, that there was something in my tone and demeanor which implied that I had anger toward you for some reason, or that I was trying to embarrass you, etc. He mentioned that I was essentially accusing you of racism. After the conversations we’d had about your feelings with regard to giving out the book, etc, I can only imagine how fucking hurtful and infuriating this must have been.

Manny, I can’t even begin to apologize. I don’t know where any of this came from. With Colin’s help, I pieced together some of it and all I can say is that I can’t explain it, I really truly and honestly can’t. Before Colin pulled me aside to talk tonight, I had no idea that I had been such an asshole, I sensed something very strange in the air, but I didn’t realize the extent of it. There is something about being incredibly drunk on tequila which in more recent times has made me behave in increasingly erratic and unexplainable ways. (What to do about that is, of course, a separate issue entirely.) I guess that there’s no way to prove that there is absolutely nothing deep in my subconscious that would explain this ridiculous behavior. I can only imagine that in my drunken haze, I thought I was being funny, I don’t know.

This is not a case of my simply being embarrassed, as was the case with the Estee baseball thing (Jesus, it’s been a good week for me). I am much more obsessed with the fact that I caused you some pain and embarrassment and that I have somehow damaged our relationship. As you said, we’ll get past this. I can only hope to earn again the trust that I was proud you had in me. I suck and I’m deeply sorry.

Greg