CHAPTER 18

Charles Zucker: I was just playing the piano. It was a baby grand and the piano had a … I don’t know if Bill told you this. It had a Plexiglass cover on it and Bill would as a joke sometimes pick it up and use it as a shield. He’d say, ‘Oh, I need a shield’ when the audience was being hostile or mean to him or something. So one night there was a couple who wouldn’t shut up. They were just nasty, they wouldn’t shut up and Bill was really patient, trying to get them to quiet down, and it’s not my proudest moment but I had the microphone at the piano and in sort of a low but loud voice I said, ‘Can somebody please put a dick in her mouth?’

Author: Bill’s told me the story but it’d be great for the book to hear it from you.

Charles: So they went nuts. Bill puts up the audience shield as a joke and the next thing you know, silverware and ashtrays and dishes are flying at the stage and it looked like mayhem. And Bill was very gracious, and the woman and the guy were like, asked to leave, and she starts screeching something like, ‘I’ve never been treated this badly in my whole life’, and Bill says, ‘When you behave with some civility you’ll be treated in kind.’ And the audience applauds and they leave and they go out in the hall. And I’m sure Bill told you, the next thing I know, it was a little hazy, but out of the corner of my eye I see that Bill’s feet are no longer touching the ground because this guy has his hands around his neck and he’s choking him.