* OOPS.

* LET’S JUST SAY EDITORS AREN’T THE GENTLE BOOKISH CREATURES PEOPLE THINK THEY ARE, AND LEAVE IT AT THAT.

* Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A DENTIST WHO HANDS OUT LOLLIPOPS?

A: A VERY SHREWD BUSINESSMAN.

** WHY DO WE USE RANDOM TYPOGRAPHICAL SYMBOLS TO REPRESENT EXPLETIVES? HOW THE *&%*^#$ SHOULD I KNOW? I DO KNOW, HOWEVER, THAT THESE SYMBOLS ARE CALLED GRAWLIXES. (FOR MORE ON GRAWLIXES, SEE THE APPENDIX AT THE BACK OF THIS BOOK.)

* AS FOR A BOOK BEING WRITTEN ABOUT YOU, THAT ONLY HAPPENS IF YOU’RE UNLUCKY ENOUGH TO MEET SOMEONE LIKE ME. BEWARE.

* HEY, DON’T LOOK AT ME.… SHAKESPEARE SAID IT FIRST!

* AND NOT THAT IT WOULDN’T BE A FINE THING IF HE DID!

** CALIBAN CURSES CONSTANTLY IN THE TEMPEST. AT ONE POINT, THE MONSTER, WHO WAS TAUGHT TO SPEAK BY PROSPERO, TURNS TO HIS MASTER AND SAYS, YOU TAUGHT ME LANGUAGE, AND MY PROFIT ON IT IS, I KNOW HOW TO CURSE. THE RED PLAGUE RID YOU FOR LEARNING ME YOUR LANGUAGE! BASICALLY CURSING HIS LANGUAGE ARTS TEACHER FOR BEING HIS LANGUAGE ARTS TEACHER. WHICH WAS QUITE AMUSING FOR THE AUDIENCE AT CLAY’S SCHOOL, CONSIDERING MR. BAILEY, A REAL-LIFE LANGUAGE ARTS TEACHER, WAS PLAYING PROSPERO.

* THROUGHOUT THE TEMPEST, PROSPERO TOYS WITH THE PEOPLE AROUND HIM. HE MAKES THEM FALL IN LOVE, FIGHT WITH EACH OTHER, AND BELIEVE EACH OTHER DEAD, VERY MUCH AS IF HE’S THE WRITER OF THE PLAY. FOR THAT REASON, MANY BELIEVE PROSPERO’S GIVING UP MAGIC WAS SHAKESPEARE’S WAY OF SAYING I QUIT! INDEED, THE TEMPEST WAS THE LAST PLAY SHAKESPEARE EVER WROTE—AT LEAST, THE LAST ONE HE WROTE BY HIMSELF. I GUESS AFTER SHAKESPEARE GAVE UP MAGIC, HE STARTED NEEDING HELP WITH HIS HOMEWORK, JUST LIKE THE REST OF US.

* IF YOU KNOW THE NAME MAX-ERNEST, YOU KNOW TO KEEP QUIET ABOUT IT. IF THE NAME IS NEW TO YOU, YOU SHOULD KEEP QUIET ABOUT IT ANYWAY. I’M SORRY I CAN’T TELL YOU WHY. JUST TRUST ME ON THIS.

* HE NEVER TALKED ABOUT IT, BUT I’M GUESSING THE DOUBLE NAME REMINDED HIM TOO MUCH OF MAX-ERNEST’S. INCIDENTALLY, THEIR DOUBLE NAMES CAME FROM THEIR PARENTS’ INABILITY TO AGREE ON ANYTHING, A STORY I TELL IN A SERIES OF BOOKS I CAN’T TELL YOU ABOUT.

* IN MOST CASES, YOU WILL BE RELIEVED TO HEAR, ANIMAL HUSBANDRY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HUSBANDS OR WIVES OR ANY KIND OF MARRIAGE AT ALL. RATHER, IT IS THE BRANCH OF AGRICULTURE THAT DEALS WITH LIVESTOCK, SPECIFICALLY THE CARE AND BREEDING OF ANIMALS SUCH AS CATTLE, HOGS, SHEEP, AND HORSES.

* AUTHOR’S NOTE: DOGS

AS YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED, AUTHORS AND FILMMAKERS TEND TO CREATE HEROES WHO LOVE ANIMALS—IN PARTICULAR, DOGS. THE COMMON PERCEPTION IS THAT A CANINE COMPANION MAKES YOUR CHARACTER MORE SYMPATHETIC. FOR THIS REASON, I WAS RELUCTANT TO SHARE SOME OF THE ABOVE LINES OF DIALOGUE WITH YOU. THE TRUTH IS THAT CLAY HADN’T HAD MUCH EXPERIENCE WITH DOGS. ONCE, SHORTLY AFTER HIS BROTHER LEFT HOME, CLAY ASKED FOR A DOG. BUT HIS PARENTS GOT INTO SUCH A BIG FIGHT ABOUT WHAT KIND OF DOG TO GET, WHO WOULD GET IT, AND WHO WOULD CARE FOR IT THAT HE NEVER ASKED FOR A DOG—OR FOR ANYTHING ELSE—EVER AGAIN.

AS FOR ME, I HAVE A CAT.

* FANTASY ISLAND AND GILLIGAN’S ISLAND WERE BOTH POPULAR TELEVISION SERIES IN THE 1970S. ON GILLIGAN’S ISLAND THERE WERE SEVEN CASTAWAYS ON A DESERTED ISLAND. MIRACULOUSLY, THEY WERE ALWAYS CLEAN-SHAVEN AND PERFECTLY COIFFED. NONETHELESS, THEY WANTED NOTHING MORE THAN TO GET OFF THE ISLAND AND WERE ALWAYS HOPING FOR RESCUE. ON FANTASY ISLAND THE SITUATION WAS THE OPPOSITE. GUESTS VISITED FANTASY ISLAND FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD, PAYING ASTRONOMICAL FEES TO HAVE THEIR GREATEST WISHES COME TRUE.

* VOG IS A PORTMANTEAU (PRONOUNCED LIKE PORT MAN TOE): A WORD THAT IS MADE BY SQUEEZING TWO WORDS TOGETHER. IN THIS CASE VOLCANIC AND SMOG. FUNNILY ENOUGH, THE WORD SMOG IS ALSO A PORTMANTEAU. IT COMBINES THE WORDS SMOKE AND FOG. WHICH MAKES VOG A DOUBLE PORTMANTEAU. A PORTMANTEAU-TEAU, PERHAPS. VOG, BY THE WAY, IS A REAL WORD; I DIDN’T MAKE IT UP. IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME, ASK SOMEBODY WHO LIVES ON THE BIG ISLAND OF HAWAII. I PROMISE, THIS PERSON WILL HAVE A LOT TO SAY ABOUT VOG.

* MORDOR, OF COURSE, IS THE HOME OF THE DARK LORD SAURON IN J. R. R. TOLKIEN’S LORD OF THE RINGS. CLAY MAY NOT HAVE BEEN FAMILIAR WITH FANTASY ISLAND, BUT HE HAD READ HIS FAIR SHARE OF FANTASY LITERATURE—BEFORE DECRYING ALL THINGS MAGICAL.

* THE LOVE BOAT, AS YOU PROBABLY GUESSED, IS ANOTHER TELEVISION SERIES FROM THE 1970S. IT CHRONICLES THE ADVENTURES OF A CRUISE SHIP CREW, AND AN EVER-CHANGING CAST OF PASSENGERS SEARCHING FOR LOVE.

* PERHAPS THE MOST FAMOUS LITERARY CASTAWAY IS ROBINSON CRUSOE, WHO LANDS ON THE ISLAND OF DESPAIR WITH ONLY A FEW ANIMALS FOR COMPANY. HE GOES ON TO BUILD A HOME, FIGHT CANNIBALS, AND INSPIRE COUNTLESS NOVELS AND MOVIES AND REALITY TELEVISION SHOWS. THINK OF WHAT A BRIGHT FUTURE LIES IN FRONT OF CLAY!

* MORAL OF THE STORY: NEVER RIDE A LLAMA. THEY’RE PACK ANIMALS, NOT HORSES. OTHER MORAL OF THE STORY: LLAMAS SPIT. IT’S NOT JUST A MYTH.

* CLAY NEEDN’T HAVE WORRIED; LLAMAS HAVE NO FRONT TEETH.

* ACTUALLY, THESE WERE NOT PEOPLE BUT LAVA TREES—TREES THAT HAD BEEN COVERED IN LAVA AND INCINERATED BY THE HEAT, LEAVING A HOLLOW LAVA MOLD IN THE SHAPE OF A TREE. A PHENOMENON REMARKABLY SIMILAR TO THE WAY MOLDS FOR BRONZE STATUES ARE TRADITIONALLY MADE, THE SO-CALLED LOST-WAX METHOD.

* AS CLAY WOULD LATER LEARN, THIS ROOTS-Y TYPE OF TREE IS KNOWN AS A BANYAN TREE. A BANYAN IS A FIG TREE THAT GROWS ON TOP OF ANOTHER TREE, ITS SEEDS GERMINATING IN THE CRACKS OF ITS HOST. THIS MAKES IT AN EPIPHYTE—A PLANT-ON-PLANT PARASITE. A MONSTER TREE, BASICALLY.

* ACTUALLY, HIS FEARS WERE MORE GENERAL; I WAS FICTIONALIZING FOR EFFECT.

* I AM TAKING A BIT OF EDITORIAL LICENSE HERE. WHILE CLAY DID IN FACT SEE THE NEWSBOY CAP AND DUNGAREES, HE WOULD HAVE CALLED THEM BY THEIR MORE FAMILIAR, CONTEMPORARY NAMES: I.E., HAT AND JEANS. I USED THE MORE OLD-FASHIONED WORDS TO GIVE YOU A SENSE OF THE OLD-FASHIONED EFFECT OF THE OUTFIT. ORIGINALLY, INSTEAD OF SUSPENDERS, I HAD USED THE RATHER ANTIQUATED TERM BRACES, BUT I DECIDED THAT THAT WAS GOING A STEP TOO FAR. YOU MIGHT HAVE GOTTEN CONFUSED AND THOUGHT I MEANT THE KIND OF BRACES YOU WEAR ON YOUR TEETH.

* LEIRA HAPPENS TO BE THE NAME OF A GODDESS IN THAT OLD, FAMOUSLY NERDY ROLE-PLAYING GAME DUNGEONS & DRAGONS. I ASSUME THIS IS WHAT SHE WAS REFERRING TO WHEN SHE SAID HER PARENTS WERE NERDS, BUT I MAY BE WRONG.

* APIAN, AS YOU MAY HAVE GATHERED FROM CONTEXT CLUES, DOES NOT MEAN APE-LIKE BUT BEE-LIKE. PERSONALLY, I HAD NO CONTEXT CLUES TO HELP ME WHEN I WAS RACKING MY BRAIN FOR THE WORD. IT TOOK ME THREE CHOCOLATE-DIPPED HONEYCOMB BARS, TWO HOURS OF CHASING BEES, AND ONE LONG NAP BEFORE IT CAME TO ME IN A FLASH. STILL, A MUCH BETTER OUTCOME THAN WHEN I TRIED TO REMEMBER THE WORD AVIAN…

* I’M NOT SURE CLAY UNDERSTOOD AT THE TIME, BUT I BELIEVE BUZZ WAS THINKING HERE NOT OF DRONE HELICOPTERS BUT RATHER OF THE ORIGINAL DRONES: THAT IS, MALE BEES.

* I USE THE WORD LICORICE LOOSELY, OF COURSE. IN REALITY, THERE IS NO LICORICE IN RED LICORICE, JUST HIGH-FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP HARDENED TO A WAXY TEXTURE AND COLORED WITH TOXIC DYES. IN MY NOT-SO-HUMBLE OPINION, RED LICORICE IS THE ONLY THING WORSE THAN WHITE CHOCOLATE. REPEAT AFTER ME: CHOCOLATE, BROWN. LICORICE, BLACK. ANYTHING ELSE I’M TAKING BACK!

* WHEN I WAS YOUNG, I THOUGHT A BOOKIE WAS SOMEBODY WHO READ A LOT OF BOOKS—A BOOKWORM—WHICH IS WHAT I WAS. MY SECOND GUESS WAS THAT A BOOKIE WAS AN AFFECTIONATE TERM FOR A FAVORITE BOOK—LIKE A BLANKIE—AS IN, THAT BOY PSEUDONYMOUS, HE NEVER LETS HIS LITTLE BOOKIE OUT OF HIS HAND. I NEVER GUESSED THAT A BOOKIE WAS SOMEBODY THROUGH WHOM PEOPLE MAKE BETS ON HORSE RACES AND BALL GAMES.

* ANARCHISM IS A POLITICAL PHILOSOPHY THAT ADVOCATES “ANTI-AUTHORITARIAN STATELESS SYSTEMS”—SORT OF LIKE CLASSROOMS WITHOUT TEACHERS OR RULES. IT IS THE PREFERRED SCHOOL OF THOUGHT FOR REBELLIOUS TEENAGERS EVERYWHERE.

* AS IT HAPPENS, THERE ARE MANY PEOPLE WHO CHOOSE TO EAT ONLY RAW FOOD, EVEN WHEN COOKED FOOD IS AVAILABLE. THE PRACTICE IS KNOWN AS RAW FOODISM, OR SIMPLY RAWISM.

* I WOULD EXPLAIN HOW TO START A FIRE USING THE DRILL METHOD, BUT I’M AFRAID NO GOOD WOULD COME OF IT: EITHER YOU WOULD FAIL TO START A FIRE OR, WORSE, YOU WOULD SUCCEED IN STARTING A FIRE.

* THIS RECIPE, OF COURSE, WAS FOR THE FABLED PHILOSOPHER’S STONE, A SUBSTANCE BELIEVED NOT ONLY TO TURN LEAD INTO GOLD BUT TO MAKE PEOPLE IMMORTAL.

* IF, LIKE CLAY, YOU HAVE NEVER MADE A POTATO BATTERY, YOU WILL FIND INSTRUCTIONS IN THE APPENDIX.

* NOW HERE’S SOME INFORMATION THAT IS SURE TO COME IN HANDY: A BUNCH OF BANANAS IS CALLED A “HAND,” THE WORD BANANA ITSELF COMING FROM AN ARAB WORD FOR FINGER, BANAN. WHILE WE’RE TALKING BANANOLOGY (WHAT, THAT’S NOT A WORD?), I SHOULD NOTE THAT THE CORRECT TERM FOR A BUNCH OF BANANA TREES IS NOT BANANA GROVE BUT BANANA PLANTATION. STILL, GROVE IS THE WORD THAT CLAY AND OTHERS AT EARTH RANCH USED, AND IT’S THE WORD I’M GOING TO USE IN THIS BOOK.

* WORD GAMES? I KNOW CLAY’S BROTHER AS WELL AS I KNOW MYSELF, AND HIS SPECIALTY IS NOT WORD GAMES; IT’S BIRD NAMES.

* JUST TO BE CLEAR, I AM EXPRESSING CLAY’S OPINION HERE, NOT MY OWN.

* THE DEWEY DECIMAL IS THE WORLD’S MOST WIDELY USED LIBRARY CLASSIFICATION SYSTEM. (TRY TO NAME ANOTHER ONE—I DARE YOU.) FIRST PUBLISHED IN 1876, IT WAS DEVELOPED BY LIBRARIAN MELVIL DEWEY. (NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH JOHN DEWEY, THE PROGRESSIVE EDUCATOR, OR EVEN DEWEY OF THE TV SHOW MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE. AND DEFINITELY NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE ANIMATED DUCK OF THE TRIO HUEY, DEWEY, AND LOUIE.) THE DEWEY DECIMAL SYSTEM USES THREE-DIGIT NUMERALS TO REPRESENT TEN MAIN CLASSES OF SUBJECTS, WITH DECIMALS EXPANDING TO REPRESENT MORE DETAIL. WHILE THE SYSTEM CONTINUALLY EVOLVES, SOME SPOTS REMAIN UNASSIGNED. OR SO THEY SAY. WE CAN ONLY IMAGINE WHAT TERRIBLE SECRETS ARE PLACED IN THOSE UNASSIGNED SPOTS. MY FAVORITE DECIMAL: 000—IT STANDS FOR “GENERALITIES.” SECOND-FAVORITE: 135—“DREAMS AND MYSTERIES.”

* COINCIDENTALLY OR NOT, CITIZEN KANE, THE FILM CLASSIC BY ORSON WELLES, IS ABOUT A WEALTHY MAN, NOT UNLIKE RANDOLPH PRICE, WHO COLLECTS TREASURES FROM AROUND THE WORLD, ONLY TO DRIVE HIMSELF TO DESPAIR WHILE BUILDING A PALACE TO HOUSE THEM.

* IN THE PAST, CLAY HAD BEEN AN AVID READER, ESPECIALLY OF FANTASY BOOKS. BUT AT A CERTAIN POINT HE DECIDED FANTASY BOOKS WERE SILLY AND FAKE—YES, THIS WAS AT THE SAME TIME HE DECIDED MAGIC WAS SILLY AND FAKE—AND HE HAD READ FAR FEWER BOOKS SINCE. MAYBE I SHOULDN’T SPEAK FOR HIM, BUT I THINK HE MISSED READING MORE THAN HE REALIZED.

* A GRIMOIRE IS A MAGICAL TEXTBOOK. USUALLY MANUALS ON HOW TO CREATE MAGICAL OBJECTS AND PERFORM SPELLS, THEY ARE ALSO SAID TO BE IMBUED WITH MAGIC THEMSELVES. CURIOUSLY, THE WORD GRIMOIRE IS ETYMOLOGICALLY RELATED TO THE WORD GRAMMAR. SO THE NEXT TIME YOUR LANGUAGE ARTS TEACHER OFFERS TO GIVE YOU A GRAMMAR LESSON, DON’T BE SO QUICK TO SAY NO; A COVERT MAGIC LESSON MAY FOLLOW.

* ACTUALLY, IT’S THE IMPROBABLE THAT MUST BE TRUE, NOT THE IMPOSSIBLE. IN THE SIGN OF FOUR, SHERLOCK HOLMES QUOTES HIMSELF FOR WATSON’S EDIFICATION: “HOW OFTEN HAVE I SAID TO YOU THAT WHEN YOU HAVE ELIMINATED THE IMPOSSIBLE, WHATEVER REMAINS, HOWEVER IMPROBABLE, MUST BE THE TRUTH?”

* IF YOU CARE TO TRY THIS TRICK YOURSELF, THERE ARE INSTRUCTIONS IN THE APPENDIX. DON’T TELL ANYONE, BUT IT’S NOT TERRIBLY DIFFICULT.

* THESE BABY BLOCKS ARE MORE COMMONLY KNOWN AS MOVABLE TYPE, WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE: A SYSTEM OF MOVABLE (AND LUCKILY REMOVABLE—HELPS TO KEEP THINGS SECRET) PIECES THAT ARE USED IN PRINTING. THE INVENTION OF MOVABLE TYPE MADE PRODUCING PREVIOUSLY WRITTEN BOOKS INFINITELY EASIER. ALAS, THERE IS MORE TO WRITING A BOOK THAN MOVING LETTERS AROUND. ONE ALSO HAS TO CHOOSE THE WORDS THAT THE LETTERS CREATE; THAT’S THE PART THAT ALWAYS STUMPS ME.

* THE AREA WAS CALLED PLUME CANYON, YOU WILL OBSERVE, NOT BECAUSE IT WAS FULL OF BIRD FEATHERS BUT BECAUSE OF THE MANY PLUMES OF SMOKE.

** KWAN IS CORRECT. ESCAPED PIGS, WHETHER RAISED FOR FOOD OR AS “PETS,” WILL REVERT TO A WILD STATE IN A MATTER OF MONTHS. THAT DOESN’T MEAN THAT ONLY THEIR DESCENDANTS GROW UP WILD; THE ESCAPEE ITSELF BEGINS TO GROW HAIR AND TUSKS. AND WATCH OUT, BECAUSE FERAL PIGS NOT ONLY HAVE RAZOR-SHARP TUSKS BUT ALSO RUN FAST (THIRTY MILES PER HOUR!), SWIM WELL, HAVE KEEN HEARING AND SENSE OF SMELL—AND THEY’LL EAT ALMOST ANYTHING.

* INSPIRED BY ANTONIO, SEBASTIAN PLOTS TO KILL HIS OLDER BROTHER, ALONSO, THE KING OF NAPLES, JUST AS ANTONIO HAS PLOTTED AGAINST HIS OLDER BROTHER, PROSPERO, THE DUKE OF MILAN. IN THE END, OF COURSE, THEIR PLOTS FAIL. I MUST ADMIT, YOUNGER BROTHERS DO NOT COME OFF VERY WELL IN THE TEMPEST.

* MOOD RINGS WERE A BIG FAD IN THE 1970S, AN ERA WHEN A PERSON’S FEELINGS WERE CONSIDERED OF PARAMOUNT IMPORTANCE. SUPPOSEDLY, THE RINGS CHANGED COLOR ACCORDING TO THE EMOTIONS OF THE WEARER. IN REALITY, OF COURSE, THEY MOSTLY MEASURED HOW SWEATY YOUR FINGER WAS.

* I’M SORRY I CAN’T TELL YOU THE WORD CLAY USED, OR EVEN WHAT LANGUAGE IT WAS. (HINT: IT’S NOT A LANGUAGE CURRENTLY SPOKEN ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD.) THIS IS PARTLY BECAUSE I DON’T WANT YOU TO TRY WALKING ON LAVA. IF THE SPELL DIDN’T WORK, YOU WOULD BE BURNED AND I WOULD FEEL BAD. WORSE, IF THE SPELL WORKED, AS IT VERY WELL MIGHT—WELL, I CAN’T IMAGINE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN THEN.

* DR. DOLITTLE IS THE TITLE CHARACTER IN A CHILDREN’S BOOK SERIES NOW ALMOST ONE HUNDRED YEARS OLD. (AND HERE I THOUGHT I INVENTED THE IDEA!) IN LIEU OF HUMAN PATIENTS, HE TREATS ANIMALS, TO WHICH HE SPEAKS IN ODD ANIMAL LANGUAGES. OTHER CHARACTERS INCLUDE THE PUSHMI-PULLYU, A TWO-HEADED GAZELLE-UNICORN, AND GUB-GUB, A PIG WHO IS THE PURPORTED AUTHOR OF MY FAVORITE BOOK IN THE DOLITTLE SERIES, GUB-GUB’S BOOK, AN ENCYCLOPAEDIA OF FOOD.

* NEWSPAPERS ARE PRINTED PUBLICATIONS (USUALLY ISSUED DAILY OR WEEKLY) CONSISTING OF FOLDED UNSTAPLED PAPER SHEETS AND CONTAINING NEWS, FEATURE ARTICLES, ADVERTISEMENTS, AND SO ON. THEY WERE ONCE VERY COMMON.

* FOR THE SAKE OF APPEARANCES, IT’S BEST TO HAVE AN ADULT “SUPERVISOR” AROUND WHILE PERFORMING THIS EXPERIMENT (ALSO WHILE PERFORMING THE ROPE TRICK BELOW). NATURALLY, I AM NOT SUGGESTING THAT THE ADULT WILL DO ANY REAL SUPERVISING, ONLY THAT SHE OR HE WILL PROVIDE COVER FOR YOU. WITH AN ADULT AROUND, PEOPLE ARE MORE LIKELY TO ASSUME YOUR INTENTIONS ARE INNOCENT. SILLY THEM.