Chapter 11: Crow, the Total Noob
On each of the four sides of the Spirit Wall of Berlin that surrounded the imperial capital was one of the Four Cardinal Cities: the Eastern City of Yato-ura; the Western City of Sandia; the Southern City of Averoigne; and the Northern City of Salem.
Each city acted as a checkpoint, and travelers were required to pay an enormous sum to proceed to the capital. Simply paying, however, wouldn’t guarantee passage. Those hoping to be allowed through had to wait in the city for several weeks while background and character checks were conducted. If the travelers didn’t pass these, they were expelled.
This system kept ill-intentioned people out of the capital. (Iris looked so cute as she proudly told me all about this!) Since these were very important cities, each of them had its own branch of the Imperial Order of Magus Knights.
After Vita’s attack, Iris had taken me to the branch of magus knights in Salem.
“Welcome to the Salem branch, Crow. As my apprentice, you need to meet the local commander,” she’d said.
So here I was in the reception parlor, sitting on a fluffy couch and sipping the drink Iris had made up for me. Delicious!
“H-How’s the tea, Crow? I brewed it with care! Is it...tasty?” Iris asked nervously.
“Quite! I could drink it every day,” I replied.
Iris seemed surprised. She looked adorable with her bright red cheeks! The compliment must’ve made her really happy.
“E-E-E-Every day?! Oh, you, you, you...!” Iris stuttered, jabbing me firmly in the shoulder. (Ow.)
I chuckled, greatly enjoying the moment of calm. Lazing around doing nothing truly was the dream! I was a pacifist, you know. So sick of combat.
Given the chance, I’d like to stop pretending to be a “condemner” and just take it easy with Iris, living once more as the real Crow—the gloomy, shy boy who hated the spotlight and was tired of one-liners and stoic faces.
“Looks like the commander is running late. You know, Iris, I’ve been hoping to deepen my relationship with you, so this could be a good opportunity.” I said, eager to be a better apprentice to my mentor.
“Deepen our relationship?!” she exclaimed.
Iris and I had been waiting (and waiting, and waiting), but at that moment the door to the reception room burst open.
“H-H-H-Hey, you!” someone sputtered angrily in a husky voice as they barged in wearing a white robe.
I was shocked by their face: skin pale as a corpse, and deep, dark circles under their eyes. Was this the captain? No way, right?
A magus knight commander must be a really powerful warrior. Whoever this is looks puny.
No military uniform, sickly as all hell, spindly and short. Maybe this wasn’t a knight at all, let alone the commander. A low-ranking scientist, perhaps?
Their shaggy hair was brown, mixed with some gray, and they hadn’t even bothered to comb it. What the hell?
Late teens, maybe? I doubt this is anyone important. Also, what gender is this person, anyway?
“Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-You’re Crow, right?! You bastard! How dare you sit there without a care in the world?!” they shouted abruptly.
Seriously, what?
I involuntarily tilted my head, which apparently only served to make the robe-wearing stranger even angrier. He (was it a “he”?) leaned over the desk, his(?) face within inches of mine.
“You! Drop the assault charges against Lady Vita immediately! Right now!” he yelled.
“What?” Iris and I exclaimed in unison.
What had this person just said? Drop the charges against that girl, Vita? The one who had randomly tried to kill me? He wanted me to declare her innocent?
It was so outrageous even Iris stood, enraged at his words.
“Hey, Hypno!” she said. “What’s the meaning of this?! She nearly murdered Crow!”
“I-I mean, he’s alive, isn’t he? So it doesn’t matter what she did, does it?” the guy replied. “And Iris, you do realize she’s the daughter of Marquis Kaambl?! Not only does his family produce countless outstanding knights, they also provide ample funding for aethereal arms research! If they find out one of their own is considered a criminal in this city, why, that’ll be the end of our budget!”
“So you want us to pretend that nothing happened?! Don’t be absurd!”
Iris was fuming. She punched the desk, and it shattered. Scary.
Oh, so this little researcher’s name is Hypno. What kind of sordid reasoning is that, anyway? I reflected pensively, calmer now that Iris had gotten angry in my stead.
So, Vita was the daughter of his sponsor, and he wanted her pardoned. Understandable, really, but also really selfish, no?
“Ugh!” Hypno groaned. “Of course she’ll be reprimanded! I’ll even make a backroom deal with the Kaambl family to get reparations! So, Crow or whoever, let’s just call all of that a big misunderstanding! You want the money, right?! Yeah?!” he insisted, his eyes bloodshot.
Really? This guy could just suggest a backroom deal like that?
Hmm, I considered silently. I don’t know about this. Magus knights have been fighting aetherborn for, like, ever at this point. You could call them protectors of justice. It’s hard to imagine them being so plainly corrupt. Also, if this Vita girl is the daughter of a nobleman, why the hell would she try to kill me? Something’s not adding up.
She was a noble’s child, meaning her family’s name and honor rode on her actions, right? Would someone like that really commit a crime, just like that? I certainly didn’t recall doing anything that would cause her to resent me.
Lastly, where is this commander? Do they make it a habit of not showing up to— Wait a minute.
It was then that I—the (world’s only) possessor of a Grade A Room Reader certificate (self-awarded), earned via my extensive(ly subjective) experience analyzing the atmosphere and facial expressions of those I’d encountered in my (depressing) life—understood everything.
I definitely had things figured out now!
The commander must be testing me! I realized.
Yes! It was clearly all staged!
First, Vita attacked me, testing my reflexes and ability to think on my feet!
Dark magi and aetherborn were cunning creatures, after all. Surely being attacked without warning was a daily occurrence for the knights! That was why Vita had come after me. Surely she’d have stopped in the nick of time, had I not been able to react!
Iris didn’t seem aware of this, and her reactions had seemed perfectly genuine. She likely hadn’t been told about the test so that it would look as authentic as possible!
So Hypno’s just yelling to test my sense of justice! He wants to see how I’ll respond!
Which meant I couldn’t give in to greed and just pardon Vita—why, that would be a spectacular failure on my part!
What’s the answer, then? I pondered. Should I say something like “In your dreams, you rotten bastard!” and kick his ass? Hmm. That’d be pretty macho of me, but I’m sure there are other options.
I was incredibly calm at that moment. I had no idea what the Kaambl family was really like, but this test sure made them out to be the scum of the earth. Because, I mean, if they were upstanding people and Vita went around causing problems, Hypno wouldn’t need to worry about his research funding or whatever. There was no way they’d be that spiteful.
“So, Crow?!” Hypno exclaimed. “Money’s great, right?! I’ll do what I can to get you enough to live off of for a year! So let’s pretend that never happened, okay?! You pardon Lady Vita, I’m happy, you’re happy! Let go of your grudges! Think of the future! Hatred won’t do anything good, don’t you agree?!”
I see! This is a trap! Hypno comes in, conspicuously acting like worthless trash, but he’s not evil, oh no! He’s been corrupted by evil! Meaning he, too, is a victim and needs saving!
“Hey!” he said. “Are you listening to me?!”
The truth was within my grasp. See, magus knights had permission to use powerful aethereal arms. Therefore, they needed to be extra careful when passing judgment. Hypno, playing the role of total scum, was trying to tell me the meaning of true evil!
I’ve got this, commander! The answer’s simple!
“Listen to me, damn it! Stop ignoring me!” Hypno demanded, grabbing me by the collar. His eyes were filled with tears at not being taken seriously. What an amazing actor!
There was only one proper response to that. All right, my turn! Check out my specialty—the Condemner act!
Consciously relaxing at the right moment in order to make a loud noise (but not hurt him too much), I swung my hand, and—smack!—I slapped him on the cheek, as hard as I could!
“Wha— Huh?! What?!” Hypno exclaimed in shock.
“Calm down, Hypno! Remember what justice is!” I said, pulling the confused Hypno’s skinny frame into a bear hug!
“What the hell?!” he shrieked, losing any semblance of composure.
“Crow, what are you doing?!” Iris yelled behind me, her voice cracking.
Ignoring her for the time being, I addressed Hypno. “I’m not angry at you, Hypno. I know this must’ve been difficult for you.”
“Huh?!” he uttered, his delicate shoulders shuddering.
I continued speaking, deliberately sounding as sweet and gentle as I could to comfort his wounded heart. “I can tell from your words and actions that you’ve been desperately trying to avoid stepping on the nobility’s toes. Surely you’ve had to give in to humiliating demands. They kept you reliant on them, making it impossible for you to disobey. Isn’t that right?”
“I— That’s—” he mumbled.
He didn’t deny it. I knew it! That was the premise of this role-play!
If he’s affiliated with the good and just knights, there’s no way he was corrupt from the start. I’m sure the idea here is that his time with them gradually tainted his morals.
That must’ve been how he ended up such a twisted character! Just a few words wouldn’t have been enough to reform him, though.
If I were to wager a guess, he’s going to turn red with anger and—
“Don’t talk as if you knew anything about me!” he said.
See? Angry! I knew it.
And, predictably, he pushed me away, breaking the hug. Perfect timing, since I’d just loosened my grip on him.
Go ahead, Hypno! Say your piece!
“How dare you act like you know me,” he began. “Yeah, that’s right! I’m just the nobility’s lapdog! Twenty years after first covering up the crimes of some noble’s kid, I’m the farthest thing from a paragon of justice! I know that, all right?!”
Wait, twenty years?! Hypno’s been working for twenty years?!
No way. He looked like he was in his (or maybe her—the jury was still out) late teens at most! Who in their right mind would cast him in that role?
Well, maybe he messed up his line. Might’ve meant two years, not twenty. Yeah, I’ll let it slide.
“But, you know, being corrupt comes with a whole heap of benefits!” Hypno said. “So drop the righteous prick attitude and be smart about this, Crow! Say you’ll drop the charges against Lady Vita and you’ll get your—”
“Very well,” I interjected.
“—money... Wait, what?!” Hypno looked incredulous that I’d agreed, even though he was the one who’d suggested it in the first place.
Iris, too, demanded, “Why?!” Her features were twisted with astonished disgust.
Hey now, don’t get me wrong, you guys.
“Young Vita has my forgiveness. Arrange for her to be released promptly,” I stated.
Hypno burst into laughter. “That’s what I’m talking about, Crow! It’s settled, then! Now, as for the money—”
“It won’t be necessary.”
“It...won’t?” Hypno echoed, puzzled.
I continued, “It’s not out of greed that I forgive her. Hypno, House Kaambl is rather corrupt, is it not? Do you truly believe that such a family could provide a child with an upstanding education?”
“Uh, I... No, I guess not,” he replied. “In fact, I’ve heard that Vita has had quite the twisted upbringing...”
“I figured as much,” I said. “In which case, I forgive her wholeheartedly. A girl like her is a national treasure to be protected.”
Hypno staggered, his eyes narrowing as though he were looking at something dazzlingly bright. I figured he had no more reason to lash out at me, now that the plot point of his funding being cut if Vita was accused of a crime had been resolved. He no longer needed to spout nonsense to secure his future, so surely we could have a proper, open conversation now.
“Doing that for someone who tried to kill you, only because she’s a child, is just...” He tried again. “Protecting her like that simply makes—”
“No sense?” I interrupted.
“No sense,” Hypno agreed. “I was being irrational, yet you didn’t raise your voice, and you understood my situation. You’re a weird one. Weirdly nice,” he said in a husky voice, tinged with melancholy.
I felt a profound sense of self-loathing reflected in his eyes.
“What a kind soul you are, Crow,” Hypno said. “You’re like a knight straight out of a fairy tale. No wonder you’re the secret apprentice to Iris, who’s so obsessed with knights she completely missed her chance to get married.”
“Who’s obsessed with what now?!” Iris protested at the sudden insult.
Hypno, however, paid her no mind. He was looking straight at me, the dark circles under his eyes becoming damp.
“Ugh, damn it!” he cried out in frustration. “Unlike you, I left the straight and narrow! All I’ll ever be is a lapdog for House Kaambl!”
“I see,” I said.
“I can’t do anything about it! I have to mind my position! And unlike Vita, who’s still young, I’ve dirtied my hands far too much!”
“I see,” I repeated.
“Yeah, that’s right!” he exclaimed shakily. “So it doesn’t matter what you say now! I have no choice but to carry on as their lapdog! I’m already far too rotten to—”
“That’s not true!” I declared flatly.
Lifting his chin with my fingers, I brought our faces closer together, eliciting a high-pitched squeak from Hypno (and from Iris, for some reason).
Hah! Bet he was petrified to see my sour face up close. Good, that meant he’d listen closely to my every word.
“Lapdog or not, you must not resign to being corrupt,” I told him. “Don’t forget the righteousness in your heart. Sharpen your fangs in secret.”
“M-My fangs?”
“Exactly. Use the money the Kaambls send you to polish your skills. Strengthen your influence. Make powerful connections and, someday, rise to the top. Become not the dog that grovels at their feet, but the wolf that can devour them whole!”
“That’s not so simple—”
“You have the means to turn the tables,” I explained. “It’s Vita. Do everything in your power to steer her toward a righteous path, Hypno. Devote your life to making her a virtuous knight. Make amends for all your wrongdoing.” What would happen if he did that? Glad you asked. It’s simple, really. “Once she has awakened to justice, no doubt she will denounce her family’s misdeeds. It will lead to an internal struggle, invariably weakening House Kaambl’s position.”
“So you’re saying I can strengthen my position and weaken theirs?!”
“That’s right. Now go, and use your newly empowered voice to assist Vita! Bring that great evil to justice!”
Hypno trembled, his lips contorting. After a brief pause, he burst into laughter, clutching his stomach.
“Pfft, ha ha ha ha! What is it with you?! Here I am, thinking you’re a great guy, and next thing I know you’re telling me how to destroy that family! Wouldn’t I just go down with their ship, anyway?!”
“Perhaps. But assisting in the accusations against them would surely get you a reduced sentence. Besides, you’re a researcher, no? With your skills, you can start anew.”
“Of course, of course!” he said, still laughing, his white coat fluttering like a dress skirt.
The corruption lifted from his features, and a faint light returned to his dulled eyes.
Wow, what an incredible performance. Well, I’m sure at this point I’ve passed the test, right? You can relax and give me the thumbs-up now, right, commander? Where are you watching from, anyway?
I directed my thoughts at the as-of-yet unseen man(?). Surely he(?) had put me through this surprise test because I was Iris’s apprentice.
The world’s full of strange aethereal arms. Maybe he has something similar to those things people used a thousand years ago—wiretaps, was it? Yeah, those. Could be that he used one to keep tabs on us. Maybe it was installed in the wagon, I mused. Who knows, he may even have caught on that we’re not actually mentor and disciple.
Despite this, the mysterious commander, rather than judging me for the unauthorized use of an aethereal arm, had chosen to test me instead. He’d wanted to see if I was qualified to be the disciple of an angel like Iris.
Thank you, commander!
With gratitude in my heart, I decided it was time to end the skit. Perhaps I’d say I knew it’d all been a test, impressing him with my deductive abilities.
“Now then, Hypno. Please send Vita my thanks for her part in the fake attack. It was good practice,” I requested.
“Pfft, fake? Oh, I see! You’re going to claim she’s innocent because it was all a training exercise!”
Oh, he’s still acting? Aw, come on, enough’s enough already. Let’s all drop the act and be friends, eh? And you can come out too, Mr. Commander!
Iris turned to me, a proud look on her face, and announced, “Heh! That’s my Crow! You even brought the light back to rotten ol’ Commander Hypno’s eyes!”
Ah, of course, rotten ol’ Commander Hypno. Wait, Commander Hypno?!
I was absolutely floored.
Hypno smiled at me, a blush on his cheeks, and said, “I thought I was destined to a life of sin, but you’ve given me the most pleasant of dreams! I like you, Crow. As commander of the Salem branch, I’ll put in a stellar recommendation for you to join the knights.”
Whaaaaaaat?! This guy was the commander all along?! Wait, this wasn’t a test? This was for real?
No way. That had to be a prank, right?
Right?
“Breaking news! We regret to inform you that Crow, a total noob, slapped the commander within two minutes of them meeting, then proposed the downfall of a noble family and went on to become a legend!”