“Greetings, chosen one. I have been expecting you.”
“Yeah, yeah. Let’s just get this over with.”
“Pass me the chips, will ya?” Oz asked.
Bryan shook his head. “Not your waiter, man. Or your mom.”
“I had hoped you would join me, but now I see that your heart is impure. I have no choice but to—”
“Destroy me, yes. Got it.”
Oz stuffed his face. “His voice sounds like that guy from the movie previews. Movie preview guy. I have no choice but to destroy you! Bwa-ha-ha!”
“You sound nothing like that guy.”
“You sound nothing like that guy. Bwa-ha-ha!” Oz repeated, trying to sound even more like that guy and failing.
“Just keep eating and be quiet. Here comes the big speech, all about how I journeyed through the twelve gates and drank the dragon’s blood, on and on and on.” Bryan started clicking. “ ‘Do you choose to confront the Demon King?’ Oh, heck yeah.” Bryan clicked yes.
“Then let us begin, warrior, so I can wallow in a bath of your cruor.”
“What’s cruor?” Oz wanted to know.
“I think it means guts and stuff.”
“This is so awesome.”
“I know, right?”
On the screen the Demon King raised his bloody ax and started attacking. Bryan clicked much more frantically.
“You should have totally used your Potion of Alacrity,” Oz chided.
“Nah. I’ve already got Lord Romlor’s Blessing of Infinite Graces cast on me; it wouldn’t do any good.”
“Dude, he’s summoning zombies.”
“Got it, thanks.”
“Oh man, Lightning Fists. See how they glow like that? Quadruple damage.”
“I am looking at the same screen you are, Oz.”
“Whatever. Watch out for that pit. And those spiky boulder things. Really, you equipped your Mace of Flaming Vengeance over the Vorpal Blade of Bloodletting?”
“The Sovereign of Darkness has a weakness to fire.”
“I did not know that.” Oz was impressed. It didn’t take much.
“That’s ’cause you’ve never gotten this far. And try to chew with your mouth closed. You’re dribbling.”
Oz brushed the crumbs from his shirt onto the carpet.
“Now we just switch to the Rod of Annihilation to bring down his force field like so. . . . Then hit him with a level-fifty death incantation wrapped in a big burrito of spiritual wrath. . . . Stab him through the heart for good measure and . . . voilà. The Demon King is toast.”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”
“Dude. You disintegrated him.”
“I know.”
“[Cough, cough, cough] . . . You have acted bravely, hero. Your quest is complete.”
“That’s it?”
“That’s it.”
“What a loser.”
“Total lamoid. Okay. Here’s the part I keep telling you about. See just back there, right behind the credits. Right . . . there. Do you see it?” Bryan paused the screen and pointed.
“No.”
“You don’t see it?”
“What am I looking at?”
“That tiny little flashing spot there in the corner that looks sort of like a key?”
“That chunk of the burning dark lord you just exploded?”
“No, that one. Right . . . there.”
Bryan Biggins moved his cursor to the speck in question, then spun around in his chair and looked at his best friend. “I think that’s it. That’s the thing that unlocks the secret bonus level. But I don’t know how to get it. I’ve tried everything. Checked all the guides. Read all the posts. Nobody’s found a way.”
“You mean the secret bonus level that doesn’t exist,” Oz said.
“Say what you will. I know it’s there. These guys put one at the end of all their games.”
Oswaldo Guzman licked his fingers, then wiped them on Bryan’s bedspread. “I don’t know, dude. Maybe that little flashy speck is just something they put there to tease pathetic dweebs like us that have nothing better to do on a Saturday night than sit around a computer and play the same game all the way through for—what does this make for you—the eighth time?”
“Ninth.”
“Right. See? That’s what I’m talking about.” Oz fell back on Bryan’s bed and stared up at his ceiling. “So dweeby.”
“I’m telling you it exists. I’m going to find it. I’m going to unlock it. And I’m going to beat it.”
Oz looked in the bag of barbecue chips to confirm it was empty, then let it fall to the floor. “And even if you do, then what?”
Bryan picked up the empty bag, crumpled it, and tossed it on the overflowing metal trash bin under his desk. He didn’t know “then what.” He hadn’t really thought about “then what.” The point was beating the game. Completing the quest. Figuring out the secret. There really was no other reward. Was there?
“I don’t know,” Bryan said. “I’ll just . . . win, you know? Winning? Perhaps you’ve heard of it.”
Oz shook his head. “I’ve heard of it. Listen, do you think maybe we could take a break from video games and watch a movie or something? I’m starting to go cross-eyed.” Oz rolled off the bed and onto the floor, landing with a grunt. Bryan stared at the computer, where Sovereign of Darkness finished its theme music, zooming in on the remains of its title villain, now just a pixilated puddle on the screen.
The Demon King’s reign of madness had ended. The credits rolled. For the ninth time.
But Bryan didn’t think it was over. He didn’t want it to be over. He still felt like he was missing something. He stared at the mysterious little flash in the background for a second more and then shut down the computer.
He couldn’t begin to guess what came next.