During my transformation, many old acquaintances were being left behind as new ones took their place. But one night, what was old became new again in the form of Usher Raymond.
In November 2004, I was dining with an acquaintance at the Los Angeles W Hotel restaurant and lounge, and I decided to leave at around one in the morning. As I walked down the front steps and toward the valet, I stopped and looked up to see if my guest was behind me. He stood at the top of the stairs talking, and just then, someone came out of the W and motioned for me to walk toward him. As I approached this stranger, he introduced himself to me.
“Hi, my name is Keith and I work for Usher. Usher’s in the building right now and would like to speak to you for a moment, if you would follow me.”
Usher and I spoke for just a couple of minutes that night as we stood in the middle of the heavily guarded VIP section of the W’s bar and restaurant. I noticed that we were being watched, so I gave Usher my number and told him to call me the next night—which he did.
Usher and I had first met back in 2000 on the steps of that very same hotel. I was leaving after having had dinner and he was just checking in.
“Where are you going?” he asked softly as we crossed paths.
I replied, “With you,” and made an immediate U-turn.
Usher and I spent the next several months together whenever he was in Los Angeles. What I remember most about our time together is taking breaks for long talks and bouts of laughter, eating Subway sandwiches in bed and ordering late-night room service, logging in long nights at the studio, watching him belt out singles for his then upcoming album 8701, making love every chance we could get. He was twenty years old then, and I was twenty-one. Usher was quiet and very attentive, always asking if I was all right or if I needed anything. He was a simple man, without the constant security and Maybach Mercedes-Benz he travels with now. When he wasn’t in Los Angeles, we frequently kept in contact via telephone and two-way pager. He became a part of my life, and my feelings for him continued to grow until he fell in love with Chilli, one third of the group TLC. Over the next two years, as he and his relationship with Chilli matured, Usher and I lost touch.
After reuniting in late 2004, Usher and I began to see each other once again. I instantly saw a change in him and in the dynamics of our relationship. The soft and tender person I had known before was still there, but was often superseded by his more aloof side. I would be drawn in by his tender words and touch, only to be pushed away in a moment of cold reaction. On one particular night, I spent an hour or two in the lobby of his hotel having drinks with his manager, personal assistant, and younger brother, James. Usher joined us, and after a while he and I ventured upstairs to his suite. Turned on by his presence, I ripped off his clothes, dropped to my knees, and ravished him. Usher seemed to be turned on by commanding me to do things sexually in a tone I found condescending and disrespectful.
He stopped me from pleasuring him and began to question why I was there. He seemed under the impression that I hadn’t found love, that I was lost and confused in life. But he was wrong. The old Karrine might have been looking for love, for salvation, but the new Karrine saw the search for what it was. I wasn’t here because I was lonely or looking for my next high—emotional or otherwise; I was here because, given our past history and the friendship I believed we shared, I felt free to be adventurous with him.
I wanted him to be the same man I had known five years earlier, but was surprised to find him much cockier and more withdrawn. He and I often battled for control of the situation. Many times we would have loud, uproarious fights. I remember the time his twenty-year-old brother, James, and I had been playfully flirting all night as a sort of running joke. From what I could tell, Usher took that as a sign that I wanted James and, spitefully, offered me to his brother.
“I saw you guys flirting, so why don’t you just give him what you were going to give me.”
I shouted, “If I wanted to fuck your brother, he’d be fucked. I don’t need your permission!”
As he was screaming “Bitch, get the fuck out!” I was already out of the door and down the hall. As the elevator doors opened, I took my first step into it, only to be dragged back by Usher. I felt he was playing a mental tug-of-war with me, and it seemed to be turning him on. It wasn’t the sex he wanted me for, it was the emotional manipulation. As usual, the night ended with apologies as we lay together on the couch, my head on his chest. For the time being, my tender friend was back.
That type of disrespectful behavior would continue, and every time I saw him would be worse than the last. We fought and made up over and over again. As a result, my relationship with Usher became more stressful. Being with him had initially been comfortable and familiar. I genuinely liked him and felt he was a beautiful man, inside and out, despite the changes that had come with his success.
On December 23, 2004, I received a call from Usher’s personal assistant and manager telling me they were planning a surprise for him, and I was eager to participate. The three of us piled into a black BMW 760 V12, and I disrobed in the backseat and adorned myself with a hotel robe. We drove to the set of Dying for Dolly, the movie Usher was in the middle of filming. I waited in the backseat as the guys went to fetch Usher from his trailer. As Usher piled into the backseat, he smiled as his eyes became focused on my naked body. Yet he didn’t seem very surprised. Per my request, Usher’s song “Lovers and Friends” played over and over as we pulled off and headed to the Century City Plaza Park Hyatt.
I instantly took all of him into my mouth. He was immediately aroused and lay back in ecstasy while touching my most intimate parts. I’d had more than my share of martinis at the bar before arriving on the set, and it seemed as if I reached my sexual peak all at once, in the backseat with him. With every touch, I shivered. With every lick, he squirmed. I was ready, and so was he, and before we knew it, we had arrived at the hotel.
The driveway of the hotel was full of college students from Michigan State, who were in town for the Rose Bowl, not to mention hotel staff, guests, and visitors. Still, there was no hesitation as Usher and I walked into the hotel side by side. He held his head high as I walked beside him, holding the bathrobe together with just one hand, and my hair a mess. We were being obvious and Usher loved it.
In the hotel room, everything was just as usual. We enjoyed each other’s company at first, and then came another one of his talks. He was working so hard to build me up then belittle me, when all I wanted to do was share some time with my lover and friend. Then, to add insult to injury, after our simultaneous orgasms, Usher walked out of the suite, without saying a word to me. I found out he was with another woman in the suite next door. I had had enough. He was no longer the man I had known five years before, and I was worth more than he would ever be willing to give. I gathered my things and went home.