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This is why I should have let my heart protect itself.
~ Rachel
Rain fell while they slept. A steady patter of drops, not a downpour, and by dawn’s first light, the drizzle had ceased. Rachel couldn’t help a sigh of relief as she worked through her morning tasks. Thank you, Lord.
The muddy ground made it hard to restart the fire, but they had to finish preparing the deer before starting on the trail. At last Samuel nurtured a healthy blaze, and Rachel settled in to roast venison while the men worked on the hide.
Andy’s chatter with the two brothers was humorous at times, while they shared stories of hunting or tanning other furs. From their questions and impressed tones, it was easy to tell Andy’s experience surprised them. Did they think her neglectful for allowing her son to perform such duties at his young age?
She’d tried to handle the hunting herself, she’d really tried. Yet every time a rifle shot resounded, the acrid burn of powder filling the air, she couldn’t seem to still the memories. And images didn’t just come immediately after the gunfire. For nights after, they haunted her dreams. Mother’s face after she pulled the trigger. Blood spraying in all directions, soiling the crimson of her dress. Her face losing all color. The desperation in her eyes.
No child should see those images. And Rachel would give anything if she’d never seen them herself, even though she'd saved her mother’s life.
So Andy had taken over hunting this past year. And each time he left to seek game, guilt pricked her conscience and pressed fear into her chest until he returned. Safely, so far.
“Rachel?”
She jerked at the voice above her, and only the fact that it was Seth’s gentle cadence kept her from ducking away. “Yes?”
He crouched beside her. “Smells good over here.”
“I’m about half done. How’s the hide coming?” She glanced sideways at him as she turned a chunk of meat in the pan.
“Good. They’re almost done cleaning, then they’ll salt and pack it.” His rugged appeal seemed twice as strong this morning, with his short hair accenting the strong lines of his face, and his jaw shadowed by a couple days' growth. No matter how many times she told herself not to fall for this man, she could only pray her heart wasn’t too far gone.
She refocused on the venison as she turned another piece. Seth reached for a log from the small stack remaining, then added it to the fire, positioning the wood so the heat would stay about the same under her pan.
“There’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you, Rachel. Two things actually.”
Her shoulders tensed. Not that his words should concern, but something in his tone warned her. “Yes?” She kept her focus on the meat, shifting it within the pan.
“When you told me your story the other night, I realized I haven’t told you mine. About California.”
That wasn’t what she’d expected. She raised her gaze to his, searching for a sign of what had put that concern in his voice. Nothing obvious, but the strain around his eyes matched the shadow of tension in his tone.
“Samuel and I first went west back in ’60. I was bored in our little hometown of Yorkville and desperate to get away from the farm. When my brother agreed to go with me, there was nothing left to hold me there. I think he went hoping he could keep me out of trouble, but not even he was able to do that.” His voice drifted away at the end, and silence settled over them.
As his words reverberated inside her, what had started as unease tightened into something stronger. How bad was the thing he needed to tell her?
“We started out mining, but most of the gold had already been uncovered. It’d been over a decade since the first discovery. We realized the real money would be made off the miners themselves. I met a man who was scoping locations for a tavern, and we struck a deal. Samuel and I would run the place and Hanks would front the money needed to get things started.”
Her stomach churned as realization settled through her. This was worse than bad. Yet it seemed as though he spoke of another man. She couldn’t imagine Seth being part of such a venture. Nor Samuel.
“The place did better than any of us dreamed. There were so many people coming to make their fortunes, only to discover the fortunes were already spent. They came to our saloon to drown their sorrows or try to increase their meager findings through games.
“Samuel didn’t like it from the get-to. Said we were as bad as thieves and murderers, but all I could see were the profits filling our coffers.” His voice grew muffled as his head ducked between his hands. His outline that of despair. Yet she couldn’t summon much pity. How many families had he ruined the way hers had been torn apart?
“Samuel left the business, but I couldn’t tear myself away. Deep down, I knew he was right. I hated watching men gamble away the money they were supposed to be sending their families. I hated watching lives lost when whiskey ran too freely. It wasn’t a good place. And I did more than contribute. I fed the beast that tortured those men.
“It wasn’t until I finally came to terms with the damage I was doing and tried to get out that I realized I was as tied to the vices as those men I pitied. The first day away from the saloon, I found myself right back there, receiving cards dealt by another man. This time, I had no control over whether he cheated, and I found myself on the raw end of the game more times than not. I was desperate to recover my losses. Desperate to prove I wasn’t a phony, even if only to myself.
“I was mired so deep, I lost everything I could get my hands on. Nearly lost my life more than once. Samuel tried to stop me over and over. Tried to get me hired at the ranch where he’d been working. They all knew who I was. Knew what I’d done. Probably could see my addiction just by looking at me. I wasn’t in good shape.” His voice cracked on that.
“I thought about ending it all. Knew I had failed in my great adventure away from home. Most of all, I hated the way I still craved the taste of a good hard whiskey, the thrill of the win. Even the feel of the cards in my hands, the clink of the chips, the murky haze of smoke filtering through the room. I never liked the taste or smell of tobacco—at least that’s one vice I never took up.
“One afternoon I was near my lowest. I sat in the room I shared with four other men. A room Samuel paid for because I had nothing left. I was there alone and had locked the door to keep myself from going to the saloon.”
He gave a hard chuckle. “Locked myself in and slipped the key under the door so I couldn’t reach it. I begged for God to intervene. The addiction had become the biggest—the only—thing in my life. I knew I needed someone even more powerful to stop the control I’d given those needs.”
He sat for a moment, his hands pressed together as if in prayer. “God took away the power those things had over me. He took away every urge. Every desperate need. Wiped them away. From that moment on, I’ve never had even a tiny craving for the drink or the gambling.”
He raised his head to look her way. She couldn’t bring herself to meet his gaze. Couldn’t seem to stop the shaking in her hands.
“I knew God gave me a chance to start over. A chance for a new life. Samuel and I left town the very next morning.”
“How long ago was that?” The quivering in her voice wouldn’t still. As if she had no control over herself. As if the numbness taking over her chest was spreading further. If only it would take her completely. Pull her away from this impossible nightmare.
“About six months. We took the long route northward.”
He was quiet, and she couldn’t have spoken again if she had to. The only thing she seemed capable of was flipping the meat in the pan. First one way, then the other.
How was it possible Seth had done those things? Not this man she’d come to know and love. For she did love him. She knew that now.
Or at least she had. She wouldn’t love another man who was addicted to drink and gambling. She would not. What was wrong with her that she was drawn to men like this? Or was it truly all men who suffered from such weakness?
“Rachel, I’ve never had another urge to enter a saloon, or even take a drink, since that day. God healed me. Completely.” His voice held pleading. Quiet desperation. Yet resolve, too.
The combination was almost her undoing. A gut-deep cry sprang up inside her, an urge to escape. To leave this place—this man.
She surged to her feet, her breath coming in short gasps as she spun to get her bearings.
“Ma?”
Andy. She couldn’t leave him. Not with these men who were just as untrustworthy as her dead husband. “Come with me, Andy.”
“But, Ma—”
“Now. Come now.” She bit hard on the steel in her tone as she marched toward the thickest part of the woods around them.
His hurried step sounded just behind her. “Yes, ma’am.”
At least she could still count on her son to be what she needed. Now it was time to regain control. Put together a plan for how they would travel the rest of the way to find Henry. Alone.
And she would find a way to put Seth Grant behind her.
~ ~ ~
“I RUINED IT. EVERYTHING. I shouldn’t have told her like that.” Seth couldn’t stop himself from pacing the length of their campsite.
“How would you have told her that would have made the story any different?” Samuel still worked at the deer hide, his efforts marking his words as he scraped the last bits of flesh from the thick leather.
He scrubbed a hand through his hair. “I don’t know. Slower. I wouldn’t have just spilled it out like that. I should have tried to prepare her.”
“What do you think she’ll do now?” Samuel’s voice was way too calm and steady for the situation.
Seth clamped his fingers on the ends of his hair and pulled. Anything to keep himself from expressing his frustration the way he really wanted to. “I hope she’ll think about it a while, then come back and tell me she sees how much I’ve changed. I hope she'll agree with me that the past is behind us.”
“You think that’s what she’ll do?” Again with the emotionless tone, although maybe this one held a bit of prodding.
He heaved out a frustrated grunt. “Not likely.” The knot in his belly hardened. Would she turn her back on him? Why in the rocky hills had he told her? Because you had to be honest, numbskull.
But what if he lost her completely? Oh, God. Let her see reason. Bring her back so I can make this right.
Samuel shifted from scraping the hide to applying salt. “So, what are you gonna do?”
Should he go after her? Chasing her down might just prove he was still the impetuous man who craved the thrill of winning. She’d left their horses and supplies here, so she’d have to come back. He could wait for her. When she returned, he would prove he was trustworthy. Dependable.
Somehow, he’d prove it.
“I’ll wait for her.” He spun to face the fire and the pan that now emanated the scent of charred meat. Maybe he could have the remaining venison roasted by the time she came back.
~ ~ ~
RACHEL DID HER BEST to ignore the glare Andy sent her way as she dropped to her knees beside the tiny creek and splashed water on her face. He didn’t understand why they needed to leave Seth and Samuel, and she wouldn’t degrade his father or these men by explaining the details to him. She’d always tried to keep him as unaware as she could about his father’s sins, although it had been impossible for him not to realize things weren’t right.
Now, she couldn’t bring herself to tell him the things Seth had done. Couldn’t shame the man in her son’s eyes. But they had to leave, no matter how much Andy wanted to stay.
She inhaled a sharp breath as the icy water seeped into the pores on her face and dripped down her neck. They’d have to go back and get their things. Maybe she should do it alone.
But Andy would want to say good-bye to these men who had helped him over the past weeks. Even though Seth and Samuel wouldn’t want them to leave, she was pretty sure they would be decent about the farewell, for Andy’s sake.
She’d have to chance it. Trust them one last time.
Then she would never let another man this close again. No one except Henry. She hadn’t seen her brother since she first married Richard, but surely he hadn’t changed from the earnest lad she remembered. He had probably been about Andy’s age when Mama took him to live with their new stepfather. Henry had been quiet like Andy, sober.
She couldn’t wait to reunite.
After wiping her face with her sleeve, she turned to her son, working as much cheer into her face as she could muster. “Soon we’ll—”
She broke off when she saw the empty rock where Andy had sat. “Where are you, son?” Spinning, she scanned the woods around her. This area was more verdant than others they’d traveled through, with leaves bushing the trees and shrubs and grass poking up in a few sunny patches. Yet none of the shadows revealed her son.
Her heart surged as she struggled to her feet. “Andy?” Her voice rang high, and her breath came short. She struggled to gather a full inhale to call louder. “Andy!”
She stilled, straining for any sound of his response. Nothing except the pounding of her pulse in her ears.
Had he gone back to the men? He must've.
Raising her skirts, she raced back the way they’d come. She’d only gone a handful of strides before a hand slipped out from behind a tree, clapping tight around her upper arm.
Another hand slammed over her mouth, stilling the scream before it had chance to escape.
