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This purging...who would have thought that I’d be stronger for it?
~ Rachel
It was hard to believe Rachel had lain in this exact spot, staring up at these same stars, just days before. And once again, she couldn’t sleep for the day’s events whirling through her mind.
Seth had taken the first watch tonight, with Samuel planning to spell him partway through. She’d not even volunteered to take a shift. Her nerves were still so raw from almost losing her son. But lying beside him now, listening to the steady in and out of his breathing, was slowly calming her spirit.
Thank you for protecting him, Lord. For protecting us both. And thank you for Seth. Samuel, too, of course. But Seth had been her rock through the entire ordeal. From the moment he crashed through the door to take control of Hackney to the one where he’d jumped in front of her and Andy to protect them as his brother stepped from behind a tree. She’d never thought she could trust a man again, especially not someone as impetuous and emotional as Seth, but her heart wanted so badly to believe in him.
Could she? Even if he had left his vices behind, only a short time had passed. Not even he could say for sure that he’d never succumb to temptation again. One time so easily slid into two, and the fangs of addiction took control again.
Still, her arms longed for his touch, her spirit his nearness, if only just for tonight. Creeping from the makeshift bedroll they’d created from the scant supplies Seth and Samuel had brought, she crawled toward where Seth sat.
He extended a hand to her, as she somehow knew he would, and she settled against his arm, allowing him to pull her against his side. The awful events of the day had wiped away her ire, and now she owed him an apology.
Before she could work up the words, his husky vibrato warmed the air between them. “Can’t sleep?”
“I can’t seem to stop listening for Andy’s breathing.”
Seth eased out a breath. “I know what you mean. I’ve never been so scared in my life. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for letting you stay out in the woods so long. Or for approaching that cabin in the first place.”
There was the perfect lead-in. She should take it before she lost her nerve. “I’m sorry about leaving camp like that. For getting so angry and stalking out. I should have had more control.”
He didn’t answer right away, and the warmth of his breath heated her cheek as he looked at her. “I thought it might be more than anger that made you leave like that. Maybe a little fear.”
How was he able to look into her like that? This man knew her better than any other person. Maybe even better than she knew herself. She would have never expected that to be a comfortable feeling—being so vulnerable before him—but he didn’t abuse his knowledge. And it made her want to be honest with him. To open up a little more.
“You’re right. I was afraid.” She inhaled a steadying breath. “Richard stopped gambling and drinking once. It lasted three months. He started helping in the fields again, and even tried to get to know his son better. I thought maybe that awful mess was behind us.
“Then one day he disappeared again. He didn’t come home for two days, and when he did, he had a black eye and sutures closing a cut across the back of his hand. He was drunk and angry. I’d never seen him that furious. I made the foolish mistake of confronting him.” The memories flooded back in a wave, catching her almost before she had a chance to shore herself up against them. A sob slipped through, as she thought of the little bundle she never had the chance to hold. Even now, her hands ached from the loss. Her heart squeezing so much she could barely draw breath.
Seth pulled her closer, and another sob pushed out. The tears burning her eyes threatened to break through. She couldn’t let them. Not now of all times.
But for once, they wouldn’t be stopped.
A hot drop plunged down her cheek, opening the trail for another. More tears slid down her other cheek. The sobs wouldn’t be held back now.
Seth had both hands around her, one stroking her arm, the other brushing the hair from her face. “Cry, honey. It’s good to cry.”
His words made no sense, but her body seemed to believe him, for she couldn’t make herself stop. She did her best to keep the sobs quiet. The last thing she wanted was to wake Andy so he could witness her emotional collapse.
As her body purged itself, her mind replayed the awful day she’d lost the baby. She’d not even let herself cry then, even when her heart was being wrenched in two, the separation of the child that should have been hers to love.
By the time the tears waned, Seth’s sleeve was a soggy mess where she leaned against him. Her own cuffs weren’t much better from wiping away her blubber. A final sob slipped through as she lifted from his shoulder. “I’m sorry.” Her whisper came out hoarse, still choked with emotion. “I don’t usually let myself cry.”
He reached up to finger a strand of her hair. “My mama always said tears were healing for a woman. She was a strong lady, but when she needed to cry, she did. I hated to see her red nose and puffy eyes when I was little, but by the time I was about Andy’s age, I realized she was always better for it afterward.”
An image of him as a twelve-year-old boy skittered through her mind, tugging a smile even though her face felt tight from emotion. She wiped the rest of the moisture from under her eyes, then eased out a long breath. With the spent air, she let go of the tensions from the day. And maybe some of the tensions from past years. Her shoulders sagged from the loss, as if she’d been using the strain to prop herself up.
She finally worked up the nerve to look at Seth, and the sweet expression shimmering in his eyes made her want to crawl into his embrace again.
“Feel any better?” One corner of his mouth tugged upward.
“I do actually. Your mama must be a smart woman.” And strong, too. Stronger than her own mother.
He nodded, his gaze wandering off into the distance. “I’m not sure any of us appreciated her enough until we moved away. At least, that’s the way it was for me.”
Then he turned his focus back to her, all trace of sweet reminiscence slipping from his expression. “Rachel, I don’t think I can ever quite put into words how sorry I am for how hard things were for you. And Andy. I need you to know something, though.”
His gaze was more earnest than she’d ever seen it. “I’m not the same man your husband was. We’ve made some of the same mistakes, but there’s one very big difference with me.” When he paused, she drew only a tiny breath so she wouldn't miss his next words.
“God healed me. He took away the addiction—the cravings for drink and the urge to win. He wiped it all away. I can’t even stomach the thought of those things now.”
He took her hand with his free one, and determination marked the change in his tone. “I understand you’re not sure if you can trust me. You’ve been hurt, maybe even worse than I know. You should be careful before trusting another man with your heart. With your and Andy’s safety.
“But, Rachel, with God’s help, I will prove trustworthy. I will grow into the man you need. I may not always get things right, but you can have faith that I’ll be striving to do what’s best for you and Andy. You have my word.”
Tears sprang to her eyes again, and she sniffed them back. Yet her defenses were so weak now. “Seth...” What could she even say to him? He was right that she couldn’t trust again, even though she wanted to believe him more than she wanted her next breath.
He released her hand and moved his fingers up to cradle her cheek. “It’s all right, Rachel. Take as much time as you need. Just know that when we reach Canada and find your brother, I’ll not be walking away from you. I’ll be there every time you need me. Whenever you’re ready, all you have to do is look up, and you’ll see me waiting.” As his mouth tugged into a grin, his teeth glimmered in the moonlight.
He wore that rogue’s smile, the one that made her heart flutter. She laid her hand over his on her cheek, then turned her face to plant a kiss on his palm. “Thank you.”
And she meant the words from the bottom of her heart. The future looked hazy just now, but having Seth to lean on—even if just for tonight—was a gift from God.
Thank you, Lord.
~ ~ ~
“WHAT SHOULD WE DO WITH Hackney?” Seth finally spoke the question he knew his brother had been brooding over as much as he had.
They were nearing the cabin. Again. The feeling of returning to this place of dread had been hovering over him for the last hour or so. Probably, they all felt the same way.
“I don’t think the kidnapping was his idea.” Rachel’s soft voice drifted over his shoulder from where she was tucked behind him.
Could she possibly harbor anything but hatred for the man? He’d held her at gunpoint while her son was taken away. The abduction may not have been Hackney’s idea, but he’d sure gone along with the plan.
“He’s injured.” Samuel’s voice held its usual low tenor, but a bit of regret laced the words. Pulling a trigger aimed at flesh and blood had to have been hard. Yet without that injury, there may have been a lot more bloodshed before they could get Rachel away.
“He wasn’t as rough with me as the big man was.” Andy spoke up from behind Samuel’s saddle.
Seth forced himself not to show his body’s response to the words. Even the boy was going to champion this despoiler? “So you think we should find him a doctor and turn him loose?” There may have been too much anger in his tone, but had they all forgotten what the man had done?
“That’s not what I said.” Samuel’s tone held a warning. “He might need a doctor. And then I guess we should see if there’s any law in this area.”
Seth sighed. He didn’t want to be vengeful, but the man had taken part in kidnapping Rachel and Andy, then planned to assault Rachel in the worst way. There was no chance Seth would let him walk away with no recourse. “How far away do you think we are from Simeon’s place? Have we crossed into Canada yet?”
“Based on the map Elias drew, I think we will soon. Maybe another week to Simeon’s, possibly less, depending on the terrain.”
“Good.” It would be a relief to be among friends again. Not only for the reunion with their brother and sister, but also to have Rachel and Andy in safety and among people who would help nurture and care for them. Maybe Rachel would get a chance to see how a loving family could interact. Because he was pretty sure from their letters that both Simeon and Noelle had healthy, loving families there in the Canadian mountains.
Light through the trees ahead showed the clearing approaching quickly. Seth reined in his horse. “Think we should check things out before we ride in there? We tied him pretty well, but anything could happen.”
“I’ll take a look through the back like I did before.” Samuel stopped beside them and tapped Andy’s leg. “Can you hold this gelding for me?”
“Yes, sir.” Andy slid down and took the reins while Samuel dismounted.
As his brother crept around to the rear of the cabin to peek through the cracks between logs, Seth helped Rachel dismount, then climbed down and positioned himself where he’d have a clear shot should the need arise.
Samuel appeared from the trees behind the building, leaning low as he darted forward, rifle braced in both hands. He disappeared in the shadows behind the structure,
Seth barely breathed as he held his body rigid, gun poised, finger hovering over the trigger.
Then Samuel appeared around the side of the wagon, walking upright and looking their way with a grim expression. “Seth, come take a look.”
The knot in his belly jerked tight as foreboding slid over him. Had the man gotten himself loose? How could that be possible?
