Rose found them a motel near Winslow that night, cheap and cheerful, not that West gave a shit. He just wanted a bed – hell, even a couch would have done – where he could strip her bare and lay her out, take his time exploring her luscious body, all the ways he could make her scream.
All the ways he could show her what a bad bet he was, too.
He’d hoped that interlude in the car on the side of the road would have given her pause, especially after he’d pulled her hair and pushed her mouth down on him. Except she hadn’t seemed to mind that, not one fucking bit. Which was a worry. And he’d gone gentle on her after that, as well, which was also a worry.
At least, it would have worried him if he’d paused to think about it. But he didn’t want to think about it and so he didn’t.
Another couple of days, that’s what he’d promised her, so there was no point regretting what had already happened. No point in overthinking it, either.
She’d find out who he really was soon enough and then it would be all over. Plenty of time for recriminations then. But not now.
Now, she still looked at him like a hero and he was asshole enough to want her to keep looking at him like that for a while longer.
After they’d checked into the motel and he’d made them both come a couple of times more, he’d gotten pizza delivered to their room, putting the box on the unsteady dining table in the corner by the TV. Then he made Rose get out of bed and eat sitting at the table like a civilized person.
“Why can’t we eat it in bed?” she grumbled, pulling on his T-shirt and shaking out her golden curls before coming over to the table and sitting down. “That way I don’t have to get up.”
“Because I don’t want pizza sauce in the sheets.” He put a piece of pizza on a paper napkin and handed it to her. “Some of us don’t like smelling of tomato.”
She took it from him and bit into it with small white teeth, then gave a happy sigh and leaned back in the chair. “Whoa, this is great. Is pizza always this delicious after sex or is it just a particularly delicious pizza?”
He grinned, liking how she was sitting there, all sex-rumpled and gorgeous, wearing nothing but his T-shirt.
Don’t get used to it.
Ignoring the thought, he grabbed his own piece. “Have you thought it might be the particularly delicious sex?”
She blushed, which made her even more gorgeous. “It could be that, it’s true.” Leaning forward, she picked up one of the beers that he’d gotten before they’d stopped at the motel for the night, and popped the tab. “Beer, pizza and sex. I’m a fan.” She paused and took a long sip. “Hmmm. I think I just turned into a guy.”
He laughed. “Better not. No judgment, but I’m strictly into chicks.”
“Wait.” Rose held up a hand then quickly glanced down the neckline of the T-shirt. “No, it’s okay. You can relax. They’re still there.”
West sat back in his chair and gave her a pointed look. “Are you sure? Maybe I should check.”
Her blush deepened and he found it adorable that though she could plainly dish out innuendo, she couldn’t take it.
“I’m sure,” she said, rather primly. “Besides, I’m going to need sustenance before we do anything else.” Finishing up her slice of pizza, she reached for another, leaning her elbows on the table. “So, what’s the plan for when we get to Vegas?”
A small jolt went through him at the mention of the reason they were even in this crappy motel in the first place. Vegas. Fucking Ian Jenkins, the skip they were supposed to be tracking down and dragging back to Texas.
Christ, he’d barely thought of the guy this entire trip. And that was weird, because he’d been waiting for the chance to take that prick down for years. An unsettled feeling twisted in West’s gut. He didn’t usually get derailed when he was on a mission, especially not one this important.
Relax. You’re not derailed, you’re simply not thinking about it.
True. Then again, he should be thinking about it. Because he didn’t have a plan, for Christ’s sake. And that could turn out to be potentially dangerous, especially considering he was dragging a newbie agent along with him.
“Still sorting it out in my head,” he said, not wanting Rose to know he actually didn’t have one, especially when he was supposed to be showing her the ropes. And it wasn’t a lie, not technically. He was sorting it out in his head. Right now. “But don’t worry. When I’ve firmed up the details I’ll tell you what we’re going to do.”
“Can I help? Working out how to approach someone is probably something I could use some tips on.”
“Not yet.”
“Oh, but I could—”
“No, Rose.”
She scowled. Then put her pizza down and stared at him. “This is supposed to be a learning experience for me, West. So there better not be some protective bullshit going on. I’m going to be an agent whether you and Lily want me to or not, so the quicker I start picking up the basics, the safer I’m going to be.”
Fuck. She wasn’t wrong and he was being a territorial dick.
“There’s no protective bullshit,” he said. “I just prefer going over the strategy myself. You’ll help with the takedown, I promise.”
Rose balled up her napkin then chucked it onto the table, shifting around in her seat the way she always did. “This job is really important to me. I need to do it right. For Lily.”
There was something painfully honest in her expression, something vulnerable that made his chest tighten though he wasn’t sure why. Because he knew how Rose looked up to her sister, how she wanted to do Duchess proud. It wasn’t something she let anyone often see, but it was there all the same.
“And you will do it right.” He gave her a steady look back, wanting to acknowledge it. “You’ll do her proud, darlin’, make no mistake.”
She looked down at the table again and there was a long pause. “Sometimes, I wonder.” Her finger began to trace little circles on the tabletop. “Sometimes, I wonder if I really do.”
West frowned, the uncertain note in her voice sliding under his skin and catching painfully. He put his beer down and sat forward, studying her face. “What do you mean?”
Rose let out a breath, her attention on the circles she was drawing. “She gave up a lot for me. Lily did, I mean. When Dad went to prison, she was kind of lumped with me. I know she had all these plans for college, stuff like that and then…” Her finger made another circle. “Then she couldn’t do any of it because she had to look after me.”
He wasn’t sure where she was going with this and he didn’t like the doubt threading through the words, not one bit. “Well, of course, she couldn’t. But she wouldn’t ever have regretted it, darlin’. You know that. You’re important to her.”
Rose was, after all, why West had been hired by Duchess in the first place. Because Duchess had been afraid for Rose as well as for herself.
Rose didn’t say anything, her finger moving around and around. “I do know that. Sometimes, I just…” She stopped all of a sudden, her finger stilling.
West found he was sitting almost motionless, his attention focused on her, the tightness in his chest aching. He had no idea why she was telling him this, but he realized he wanted her to go on, to hear what it was that she just. Because he had a feeling that it was important, that she was revealing a hidden part of herself, a vulnerable part.
That he wasn’t worthy of such trust, he knew already. But if she wanted to tell him, then he wasn’t going to stop her. Who else did she have, after all? There were always going to be some things she couldn’t tell her sister.
He slid a hand out and let it cover hers, wrapping his fingers around it, holding its small shape in his. “You just what?” he prompted.
She looked up at him, her eyes widening, as if she hadn’t expected him to touch her like that. But she didn’t pull her hand from his and she didn’t look away. Instead, she lifted a shoulder. “You don’t want to hear it. I’m just being stupid. And pathetic.”
He firmed his grip, feeling the softness of her skin beneath his fingers. “Tell me anyway.”
Her gaze returned to the table and she stared at it for a long, silent minute. “I want to make it worth it,” she said suddenly, fiercely. “I want to make Lily having to give up her future to look after me worth it. I want to help her. I want to make it so she doesn’t have to worry so much, or work so hard.” She glanced at him again, a glow in her eyes. “Because if she’d been at college, if she’d been a lawyer like she’d wanted, she’d never have met Mason.”
Ah, so that’s what all this was about. That fuck.
Anger threaded through him, making him tighten his grip on her hand. “That asshole has got nothing to do with you, darlin’. You’re not to blame for what went down with him and neither is Duchess.”
“But if I hadn’t been so young, she wouldn’t—”
“But nothing.” He stared hard into those big, beautiful blue eyes. “The world is full of ‘what ifs’ and ‘should haves’, and you’ll drive yourself fucking crazy going over and over that shit. So, don’t do it. The past is set and you can’t do anything to change it.”
“I know, but I—”
“The only thing you can do is figure out how to deal with it. How you deal with it.” Gently, he turned her hand in his, rubbing his thumb over her palm. “And that’s not by trying to prove yourself to anyone.”
She blinked rapidly. “I wasn’t.” But her voice was husky and no doubt she could hear the lie as well as he did.
“Sure, you weren’t. Duchess looked after you because you were her sister. Because you were her family and she loved you, nothing more and nothing less.” And she’d looked after Rose a damn sight better than he had his own sister, that was for sure, though he wasn’t going to tell Rose that. “It wasn’t your fault your father was in prison, just like it wasn’t your fault that Mason was a fucking asshole who couldn’t control himself.” He studied her delicate face, trying to read her expression. “But you don’t believe that, do you?”
She lifted her shoulder, noncommittal, and he didn’t know why it was important to him that she tell him what all of this was about, but he wanted to understand all the same.
“What is it, Rosie girl?” he asked quietly. “What is it you’re trying to prove?”
West’s hand was very warm and Rose wanted to hold onto it like a kid with a comfort blanket. Which was ridiculous and a bit pathetic.
Then again, this whole conversation was pathetic and she couldn’t think why she’d started it in the first place. Especially when the last thing she wanted to do was unburden herself to West, reveal all the painful little insecurities she kept locked down inside her.
Too late, idiot.
She should never have said anything. Maybe it was the beer, or maybe the deliciousness of the pizza, or that she’d felt so relaxed after all the pleasure he’d given her. Whatever, she’d opened her mouth and all that shit about how much Lily had given up for her had come out. She’d only meant to tell West that this job was important to her and why, not to open up the entire contents of her soul.
And she really did not want to tell him where all the doubt stemmed from. At least where she was pretty sure it all stemmed from. Mason and how he’d manipulated her, how he’d hurt her. Making her feel powerless and weak.
“Rose,” West prompted softly, as if he’d read her mind. “Want to tell me what’s going on with you?”
“No,” she replied honestly. Because she didn’t.
“Why not?”
Because no one needed to hear about her own naivety. Her belief that she could protect her sister from the man hurting her all by herself. That she could save Lily and make everything better simply by telling Mason to fuck off.
No, no one needed to hear that stupidity. Certainly not the strong, hard man sitting opposite her. The man who was finally seeing her as a woman. She didn’t want to remind him just what a child she’d once been.
So, instead, she said, “Because I’ve finished my pizza and I’ve got some time to make up, if you know what I mean.” She followed it up with a suggestive eyebrow wiggle, but judging by the expression on his face he was not fooled by her bullshit. He only looked at her, his gaze steady, direct.
This was dumb. She’d wanted to know more about him, not end up talking about herself.
“Why should I tell you anything?” She dropped the flirtatiousness since he wasn’t looking like he wanted to be distracted. “You never tell me anything about you.”
His gaze didn’t flicker, his thumb stroking her palm in a way that was both soothing and distracting at the same time. “What do you want to know?”
The casualness of the response took her off guard. She was expecting him to protest or ignore her, since he’d never been exactly open about his life before. “What does that mean?” She gave him an uncertain look. “You want to talk about yourself or something?”
“Sure.” He lifted a shoulder like it wasn’t a big deal. “Why not?”
Rose narrowed her gaze. “So… I can ask you a question and you’ll answer it?”
Silver glinted in West’s eyes. “Yeah. I’m pretty sure that’s what I said.”
The obvious catch here was that if she asked him about himself, she was obviously going to have to reciprocate. Then again, maybe it would be worth it?
“Okay,” she said slowly, because she might as well. “Why do you think you’re not a good man?”
He let out a sharp breath and glanced away unexpectedly. “Fuck, you don’t start easy, do you?”
She could have left it, she supposed. Stuck to something innocuous. But she had the feeling this chance wouldn’t come again, so there was no way she was backing down. Instead, she used his own trick of silence, merely waiting.
His grip on her hand tightened and he glanced at her again. “I have a little sister, though she’s not so little anymore. Had it rough over the past decade. Got into meth pretty hardcore and been through a number of rehab programs. Nothing worked. She came to me a year or so ago, wanting money. I told her no, because I knew where she was going to spend it.” He let out a breath. “She was very angry. Told me her addiction was my fault.”
Rose frowned. “But how was it your fault?”
“I was…wild when I was a teenager. Drinking, stealing cars, getting into fights, the works. And then my dad took me in hand and told me if I wanted to be part of the family still, I needed to join the Marines. I never wanted a military career. Dad was a rigid old bastard who only got more so after Mom died and he never fucking shut up about how great it was to be a Marine. So, it was the last thing I wanted to do. But he told me I was getting out of hand, that I needed to set an example for Carly, and so I signed up.” West shook his head. “It was better than I expected, to be honest, but I fell in with the wrong crowd there as well. Became friends with someone who was interested in the same stuff I was, which was basically girls and booze, and who I thought was a good guy. So, I brought him home for the weekend.” West paused, a hard light in his eyes. “Carly liked him and he took a shine to her. Asked her out to a bar. She was under age but she wanted to go, and I told her she wasn’t allowed. She argued with me and I was kind of drunk and lost my temper with her. Told her to go, see if I cared if she got picked up by the cops.”
Rose found she was sitting very still, a cold feeling inside her.
“So, Carly went. And she wasn’t picked up by the cops.” West’s expression was like stone. “She was raped by my so-called buddy.
Rose’s gut lurched. “Oh no, West.”
He looked away. “Carly didn’t tell me for a couple of weeks and by then my buddy was long gone and she was a mess. She went downhill pretty quickly after that. Dad blamed me. He said that the Marines would have straightened me out, but apparently I hadn’t learned anything. He thought I should have known my friend was an asshole and that I should have done more to protect her.” West’s expression twisted. “He wasn’t wrong. I should have. She blamed me, too, for bringing Ian home. For not telling her what kind of guy he was. For all kinds of things.”
Rose’s throat tightened. She’d had no idea about any of this. No idea he’d even had a sister, let alone the rest of it. That poor girl. And she could certainly imagine what kind of impact that had had on him. He was such a protective man and for this to have happened, to have had the blame laid at his feet like that… Of course, he would have picked it up and shouldered it.
No wonder he’d ended up in first the protection industry and then in fugitive recovery.
“That’s awful.” She shifted her fingers so this time it was her hand around his. “I’m so sorry that happened to you.”
For a second, he just looked at her and she couldn’t interpret the expression on his face. Then he said, “Why are you sorry? It didn’t happen to me. It happened to my sister. Because both she and Dad were right. It was my fault.”
“But how? How were you to know your friend would do something like that?”
“Because he was a fucking asshole. And I knew it.” That edge glittered in his eyes, the sharp edge of a knife. “Deep down I did. But I was angry at Dad for shaming me into the military. For making me join up when I didn’t want to. And I was determined that the Marines wouldn’t change me, so I was trying to make a point.” His voice became cold. “And I did. And Carly ended up getting hurt because of me.”
Her chest felt tight; beneath that hard, glittering edge in his eyes, she could feel his anguish and it hurt her, too. She wanted to make it better for him somehow, but she didn’t know what to say.
“You can’t blame yourself—” she began.
“But I do,” he cut her off, before she could finish. “Now it’s your turn.”
Rose opened her mouth, then closed it, the change of subject so abrupt it took her a second to register. “I didn’t really want to turn this into a tit for tat.”
“Yeah, well, you wanted to know something about me, so I told you.” West’s gaze was unrelenting. “And now turnabout is fair play.”
She swallowed and looked down at the table top, conscious that she was still holding his hand and that he hadn’t pulled away. It felt wrong to change the subject after what he’d told her, to talk about her own stuff, but what else could she do? “So, what do you want to know?”
“I want to know what you’re trying to prove. And why?”
Telling him about Mason – telling anyone about Mason – was always going to be tough, because of what it revealed about her. And given what had happened to his sister, it was only going to be even more difficult, because he would not be happy about it. Not one bit.
It would be good to tell someone, though, wouldn’t it?
A part of her agreed. Yet another part of her didn’t want anyone to know, not about how weak and vulnerable she truly was deep down inside. Especially not West. But he wouldn’t let her get away with not saying something.
“You can’t tell Lily.” She looked at him, feeling suddenly fierce, because the last thing in the world she wanted was for her sister to find out. It would gut Lily and she knew it. “Promise me, West. You’ll never tell her. It would hurt her really badly and I couldn’t stand that.”
He studied her a long second then nodded. “Okay. I promise I won’t.”
Rose took a little breath, something tight relaxing inside her, while at the same time something else coiled even tighter. “It’s about Mason. He was trying to get Lily to move in with him – this was before she hired you – and he kept hassling her about it. She refused but he wouldn’t leave her alone.” Her heart was beating faster no matter how hard she tried to slow it down, remembering. “So, I decided that he needed to stop. I went around to his place and I told him that if he kept hassling Lily, I’d call the police.” She concentrated on West’s warm hand around hers, the strength in his fingers. “He laughed then invited me inside to ‘have a chat’.”
“Rose,” West growled warningly.
She ignored him, forcing the rest of it out. “I went inside and he pushed me up against the wall. Put his hand between my legs. Said that if I wanted him to leave Lily alone, he needed some incentive.” The hand around hers was tight now, holding onto her. She stared at the table top, at the grain of the wood. There was a dent in it near where she was sitting. “At that point, someone came to the door and he went to open it, and I escaped out the back. He didn’t do anything else to me.” She met West’s furious gaze, because it was furious. Incandescent even. “But that wasn’t the worst part.”
“Groping an under-age girl wasn’t the worst part?” West’s voice had gone very deep and very rough. “Rose—”
“No,” she interrupted flatly. “It wasn’t. I could have handled that if I hadn’t stood there like a fucking idiot. If I hadn’t frozen. If I hadn’t said I’d give him whatever he wanted in order to leave Lily alone.” The remembered shame and fear came pouring back, at herself and how she’d let him manipulate her. “I was so scared. If he wanted to screw me right there and then, I would have let him. I would have let him do whatever he wanted.”
West was staring at her very intently and he was sitting very still. And she could feel the fury coming off him in waves, rising like heat from a desert road.
“Mason’s dead,” she went on, hating the vulnerable feeling that had opened up inside her again. “So, don’t make it into a thing, okay?”
“Was he cremated?” West sounded more animal than man. “Because if not, I might dig up that fucker’s corpse and kill it again.”
“Leave it, okay? I was young. I was sixteen and I shouldn’t have gone to see him. But I wanted him to leave her alone.”
West’s gaze burned like quicksilver. “How long after that did Duchess come to hire me?”
She sighed. Of course, he’d ask this question. “I don’t know how she found out, but she knew I’d gone to see him. And she was pissed with me. And she wanted to hire some protection to make sure I was safe – or at least that’s what she told me. She found you a couple of days later.”
“I see.” He was silent a moment. “So, this is all about proving you can look after yourself, right?”
The vulnerable feeling deepened and she hated that he could read her so easily. But he wasn’t wrong. “I don’t want Lily to worry about me. She’s got so much on her plate, and I—”
“You froze.” West’s voice cut through hers like a knife through silk. “And you were afraid. He made you feel weak and powerless.”
Her jaw hardened, the words like stones hitting her, each one jagged and painful. “I—”
“You’re angry at her, “West went on, staring right at her. “You’re angry at Duchess for not protecting you. For getting with a guy who hurt her and who hurt you.”
Rose stared at him, shocked and unable to think of a word to say.
He’s right. You are angry with her. You’re angry about a whole lot of things.
“No,” she said thickly. “I don’t think that’s true.”
“Yeah, it is.” His hand around hers tightened. “Don’t think I didn’t notice the angry teenager I was hired to protect. Who didn’t want me around, who didn’t want anyone around. Who was pissed at all the world and who made sure I fucking knew about it.”
Embarrassment heated her cheeks. “I wasn’t like that.”
“Of course, you were, darlin’.” His thumb rubbed suddenly along her skin, leaving a trail of sparks. “And I didn’t blame you. In fact, now I think about, it was kind of familiar. Since I was like that as a teenager, too.”
She blinked. “You were?”
He shifted in his seat, relaxing, the anger bleeding out of him. “I tried to be a good kid after Mom died. She was a free spirit, a bit wild, and I think Dad loved that about her. But after she was gone, he kind of shut himself away. He told me I had to be a good boy for him now Mom wasn’t around to look after us. And I tried. But he got more and more rigid as time went on. Less and less tolerant. By the time I was fifteen or so, I was over it. I rebelled big time.” He shook his head. “So yeah, I recognize an angry teenager when I see one.” There was a pause. “And I recognize a girl angry that no one protected her, too.”
Rose’s throat felt tight and oddly sore, denial sitting inside her. Because it was wrong to feel angry at Lily. Who’d done the best she could with what she had. Who’d given up so much to look after her.
“You don’t have to prove you’re strong, Rose,” West went on, lifting the thought from her head in the way he so often seemed to do. “You were never a burden to her.”
Her eyes filled with sudden tears. Did she think that? That she was a burden to her sister?
Of course, you did. You wanted to make sure she didn’t have to give up anything else for you.
She looked away from him, blinking hard, a raw, tender thing in her chest where her heart should be. Not wanting him to see how exposed she felt in that moment. Not wanting him to see how right he was. Because she couldn’t deny it. And he would see through it instantly anyway.
Another long silence fell, taut and aching.
Then she heard the sound of a chair being scraped back and when she looked up, found West had gotten up and was coming around the table to where she sat. He didn’t say anything, reaching for her and pulling her up out of her seat, his arms sliding around her, urging her in close.
Her instinct was to pull away, to protect herself, to hide, but the heat of his body was seeping through the cotton of her T-shirt and into her, warming her, thawing a part of her she hadn’t realized was frozen. It was stupid to pull away now anyway, especially since she’d given him pretty much everything.
“She loves you, Rosie girl,” he said softly. “And sure, she gave up a lot of things to look after you. But you don’t need to prove that you’re worthy of them. Any more than she needs to prove she’s worthy of you. You both would do anything for the people you love and that’s enough.”
She put her hands on his chest, staring at the fabric of his T-shirt, unable to look him in the eyes, even now. “Lily had no choice, though. She never got a say in whether she wanted to look after me or not, she just had to do it.”
“Yeah, and she did.” One warm finger caught her beneath her chin, tipping her head back, forcing her to meet his intense gaze. “You were her family. She didn’t need a reason and even if she’d had a choice, she would have chosen you.”
“You don’t know that.”
West’s beautiful mouth lifted at one corner, his smile bittersweet. “Yeah, I do. I have a sister, too, remember?”
Yes, he did. The sister he’d failed to protect and who blamed him for that failure. And who he looked out for anyway.
“West,” she began.
But he shook his head, tightening one arm around her, holding her more firmly against him. “I don’t want to talk about that, darlin’. Not now.”
Rose wanted to push, but his arms around her felt good and she didn’t want him to let her go. Didn’t want to lose the warmth and understanding that was between them, so instead she said, “Okay. But I don’t want what I told you about Mason to change things between us.”
“Change what?”
“You know what I’m talking about.” Because he would. The similarities between what had happened to his sister and what had happened with Mason were too significant. “Mason didn’t do to me what your friend did to your sister, but I still don’t want you to see me any differently because of it.”
West didn’t say anything for a long moment, the uncompromising silver edge in his gaze glittering. But she didn’t look away, because she could be uncompromising too, and this was important.
“I’m not a different person,” she said. “I’m still the same as before. I’m not a goddamn victim.”
“I didn’t say you were.”
“No, but I know what’s going on in that handsome head of yours.” She pressed her hands to his hard chest. “You want to protect me and you want to protect me from yourself, right?”
A muscle flicked in his jaw, but he didn’t speak.
Rose glared at him. “Well, I don’t want you to protect me from you. You’re not Mason. You told me what you wanted and you asked me if I wanted it, too. You gave me so many warnings and lots of opportunity to stop what was going on.” She gave him a ferocious look. “I wanted you. I wanted you so much. And I liked it. I liked every bit of it. But the most important part of all?”
His expression didn’t relax, yet he remained where he was.
“You didn’t make me feel weak or vulnerable,” she went on, so he knew exactly where he stood and didn’t get into any stupid blaming bullshit. “What you did to me made me feel like I wasn’t a victim. That I was strong, okay?”
Something shifted in his eyes. “I hurt you.”
“And I wanted you to. And I loved every bit of it. And all I could think of was how different you were to Mason. How different the whole experience was. And I liked it, you know I did.”
“I don’t know how you stand it,” he said suddenly. “Knowing what he did to you and yet taking the same fucking shit from me.”
Rose shook her head. “Don’t be stupid. Didn’t you hear a word of what I said? It’s not the same. Mason didn’t ask. He just took. And he didn’t care about me. He didn’t give a shit. But you do, West. You care. Mason was an asshole, but you’re not and that makes all the difference.”
An expression she couldn’t read crossed his face. “Don’t go putting me on a pedestal, Rosie girl. Not when I don’t belong there.”
Rose lifted her hands and took his face between them, holding him firmly, because this was important. No, this was vital. “You might not think you belong there, West O’Connor. But you don’t get a say. It’s my pedestal and I’ll put you where I like.”
Again, he didn’t speak. He just looked at her for a long, intense moment. Then the sharp edge in his eyes turned into something else, becoming hot, burning her alive where she stood. His fist tightened in her hair.
And he covered her mouth with his.