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Shirlene
I feel neither sane nor safe anymore. I can’t possibly tell Cameron that Rain is talking to me in my head. If I have any more episodes with the former resident of my body, I’ll begin to believe Cam and Arlene would be better off without me.
To avoid any visits today, I fill every moment with activities. I take Arlene for a long walk in the stroller and speak to more people than I have since giving birth to her. Chatting with strangers, going food shopping with the baby, and sitting on a crowded beach seem to have worked. But now, the day is coming to an end, and Cam has ended up having to stay away another day for second interviews. I can’t very well camp out in a twenty-four-hour pharmacy all night.
After staring into the refrigerator filled with food, I end up with a bowl of cereal for dinner. What I want is a drink. The craving starts in my stomach, travels up my throat, and settles in my mouth. I need to taste liquor, and without Cam here to watch the baby, I haven’t been to a meeting. Although I could use the support, I’m not sure what AA folks would do with me if I told them I was hearing voices in my head.
The baby cries, and I dash upstairs. When I reach the nursery, the chill returns.
“No way!” I say to no one.
I stand with my back against the crib. I’m not sure if I can protect Arlene against her, but I’ll die trying.
Why are you frightened, Shirlene? I’m not going to hurt you or the baby.
“You want me dead.” She doesn’t reply. “That’s true isn’t it?”
Technically, yes.
“So if you want me dead, how aren’t you a threat?”
We can work this out.
“It was your body. Now it’s mine.”
Another technicality.
I stamp my foot. “There’s nothing technical about it. My body and my baby.” I pick up Arlene, who is now screaming.
How is she your baby? Rain asks.
“I gave birth to her. You abandoned her.” I gently rock my child. “You’re upsetting her. Go away!”
Chase and I conceived her.
“Oh, he’s a real prince. He came here and tried to rape me.”
I don’t believe you.
“Isn’t that typical.”
Well, I admit he can be an ass.
“There’s something we do agree on.”
She laughs. I like you, Shirlene. You’re savage.
I’m not sure what she means, but I scan the room for some sign of where she might be. “Can you do anything to show me where to look when addressing you? I’m tired of talking to the air.”
I can’t. I’m in your head.
Arlene finally settles, and I decide it might be to my advantage to understand Rain better. “Why would you waste your time on Chase?”
I didn’t think I deserved better. Now I know differently.
“He wants you back.”
He does? That’s sweet, but I’m not interested anymore.
“And I suppose Cam is of interest? Do you think you deserve him now?” I am surprisingly territorial.
Mike? She scoffs. Don’t get me wrong. He’s a nice guy, but he’s never been my type. Besides, I need to stand on my own two feet.
“How do you plan to do that? You don’t even have a high school diploma.”
Who told you that?
“Cam.”
Of course he’d say that. I finished high school, Shirlene. Barely, but I did.
“How can you support Arlene?”
One way or the other, I’ll figure this out. If you give me a chance.
“I need time to mull this over.”
Try to hurry.
“Hey! I’m not saying I’ll agree.”
It will be easier if you do.
The chill leaves. I’m not convinced Rain won’t or can’t hurt the baby, so I move Arlene’s crib into my bedroom. I don’t sleep, but it helps to have her close by.
In the morning, I hike into town with Arlene in her stroller. At the Lilypad Children’s Boutique, I purchase a baby wrap, which I immediately settle the baby into. It’s reassuring to have her against my chest as close as possible.
I come back by way of the boardwalk, and as I near the beach in front of Cam’s, I’m drawn to the labyrinth. Crowds of people are massed up a good distance away down by the water. A drop of sweat trickles down my face, and the roar of the pounding waves evolves into white noise. I select a small piece of driftwood from the sand and take several cleansing breaths. I enter the labyrinth. When I reach the center and place my gift down, a chill resumes in my spine.
Rain says, You’re afraid in the labyrinth.
I glance around to check if any beachgoers have wandered nearby and can hear me talking before I mutter, “I’m not afraid of you, Rain. There’s nothing you can do, so go away.”
She doesn’t answer. I hope she’s gone. Then I hear, I’ve been meaning to tell you Stan and Danny need you.
My head pounds. “What do you mean?”
Stan is desperate to talk to you.
“Why can’t he speak to me the same way you are?”
He’s in a different state. You must come to him.
“Die. I must die. That’s what you mean.”
She doesn’t answer.
I kiss the top of my baby’s head as she squirms against my chest. “I can’t leave her.”
And Mike. You’re in love with him.
“Leave him out of this.”
I wonder if she’s manipulating me or if Stan and Danny are really in trouble. I resent the ancient guilt tightening my throat. “No!” I continue mumbling. “I didn’t kill Danny. It was an accident. But you lied, Stan. You deceived me. How could you do that?”
I hope the labyrinth is where I can contact my husband to finish the conversation we were having before he died. “Figure out a way for me to talk to Stan, and I’ll consider your request.”
Rain has gone.