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Shirlene
Hattie is out with Arlene this morning, so I snatch up Aimee’s journal and start down the stairs, where I meet Cam. We both stop and stare. I wonder if he’s remembering the time we first made love. How it began here on these stairs.
“We need to talk,” Cam says.
“I know.” My grip tightens around Aimee’s journal.
Cam goes down to the living room and sits by the fireplace. I remember how his brother collapsed on the raised hearth after attacking me. I shut the memory away. I need to stay positive. I sit across from him on the couch.
“What do you have there?” Cam asks.
“Hattie and I found a journal Aimee kept on tour this summer. I hope you don’t mind, but I read it. I needed to try to understand her.”
“I get that.”
“There are things I feel Aimee would want you to know, especially about Tristen.”
“I hate that guy’s name. It sounds like the name of a cracker.”
“I think it may be more than his name.”
Cam smirks. “You’re right.”
“You’re welcome to read the entire journal. It’s not mine. As I said, Aimee would want you to understand what she was going through.”
Cam leans forward in his chair. “Go ahead and read it to me.”
I open to the page I flagged and read aloud. “I can’t stop thinking about Cam, and how wonderful he was to me compared to Tristen. If I hadn’t had Cam love me, I’d probably accept Tristen and all the awful things he does. I wouldn’t know any differently. Cam was always kind and respectful. He saw and accepted me for who I was. Tristen is constantly trying to make me over. He thinks he can ‘fix’ my depression, or I can, if I do what he says. Tristen lies without knowing he’s making things up. He believes what he says, and I begin to believe I’m crazy if I don’t go along with him. The falsehood becomes fact. Tristen is delusional. He’s made up that we’re engaged. I haven’t accepted his proposal. I’m not wearing a ring. He just announced to the company that we’re getting married. I need to get away from him before he consumes me. I texted Cam I’m coming home. I’m quitting the tour. There doesn’t seem to be any other option. I can’t wait to see Cam.”
I stop reading and check in with Cam. “She might not have been able to give you everything you dreamed of with her, but she regretted breaking off your engagement.”
Cam makes fists. “I wish I could have protected Aimee from this Tristen guy.”
“She didn’t agree to marry him. She didn’t even want a relationship with him. Having you in her life helped her to escape.”
“I didn’t act like it before, but now I’m grateful you were able to go back and talk with Stan. I wish I could see Aimee one more time. It would help to say goodbye.”
I lean over and reach for Cam’s hand. He lets me take it. “I’m very sorry for your loss.”
He runs his free hand over his clean-shaven face. “Thank you. I’m sorry I didn’t fully understand what you were going through when Stan died. I can understand now how you became vulnerable to Rain’s manipulations.”
“And Stan revealing his vasectomy caused it to be more difficult. But, Cam, when you and I made love here, I longed to be with you. I wanted to move forward. It wasn’t about dulling the pain.”
“Thank you for saying that.”
“And then Chase assaulted me, and I lost the foothold I was beginning to get. That’s when Rain started to communicate. I began to believe I was losing my mind.”
Cam’s dark eyelashes are wet. He releases my hand and wipes his eyes. “I wish you’d told me.”
“I wish I had too. I’m sorry. I hope you can forgive me.”
“I do, but you don’t have to protect me.”
“Okay,” I say.
“I may have gone off the deep end when you told me Aimee was dead, but I’m capable of handling the truth.”
“It was too much after everything else.”
“It was too much after losing you, Shirlene. When Rain told me that you were gone, the world stopped. For the first time in my life, I thought I could hit a woman. I was that furious with Rain. She killed you, as far as I was concerned, but she looked like you. I’d be hitting you. I wouldn’t do it one way or the other, but I wanted to. Then, before I could begin to deal with your death and Rain being back, I got the call that Aimee had had a stroke.”
“You dropped everything to take care of her—me.”
“I did.” He sighs.
“What is it?”
“I remember you telling me that Rain said something to you when she first gave up her body to you.”
“She said, ‘Take care of her.’” I realize what he’s hoping. “I’m sorry, Cam. Aimee didn’t speak to me.” His shoulders slump. “Her body was in total chaos during the stroke. But I can say she was relieved to go. She wanted no part of what was happening to her body. I sensed she was escaping.”
“So she wanted to die.” He leans over and holds his head in his hands.
“She was at peace. Cam, at my last appointment with Aimee’s doctor, he asked me if I was having suicidal thoughts.” I hesitate to ask, but I need to know. “Had Aimee ever been suicidal before?”
Cam sits up. Again, tears well up in his eyes. “Twice since I’ve known her.”
“I can’t imagine how difficult that must have been.”
“That was her main reason for not having children. Aimee was afraid she’d ruin their lives.”
I take the chance. I make room for him on the couch and open my arms. He comes and sits next to me. Then he leans in for me to hold him while he cries. I rub his back, wondering if there was any possibility Aimee suspected she was pregnant. If she was certain she would ruin her child’s life, that’s another reason why she peacefully let go.
Cam straightens up. “How did Aimee allow herself to get involved with Tristen in the first place?”
“He’s the type of narcissistic person who preys on empathetic people. He probably selected her, and she was into it before she realized. She couldn’t find a way out except to come back home.”
I notice Cam flexing his fists again. I wouldn’t blame him for aiming to pound Tristen into the ground.
“What happened when you met with him?” Cam asks. “Do we have to be concerned about him?”
“No. I made him think it was his idea to end the engagement. Let him off the hook because his career needed to come first. I said I wouldn’t let him quit to take care of me should I have another stroke.”
Cam smirks. “You are one smart woman.”
“Well, that was Hattie’s idea, and it worked. He wanted no part in caregiving.”
“That’s a relief.”
I prepare myself for the worst. “But there may be another issue about Tristen we have to deal with.”
Cam raises his eyebrows.
“I haven’t had a period.”
Cam catapults upward and moves away. Although I knew this could be his reaction, my heart sinks, and my palms become clammy. The muscles under the back of his T-shirt tighten. I can’t speak. Cam takes a deep breath and turns to me. I expect his eyes to be wild, but they are filled with compassion.
“If you’re carrying Tristen’s child, we’ll deal with it together.”
Now, I start to cry. He sits next to me and enfolds me in his arms.
“If Aimee came home from tour pregnant with anyone’s child, but she was afraid of him and didn’t want to marry him, I’d support her. I’ll do the same for you, Shirlene.”
I press myself closer. “Oh, Cam.”
“It’s okay. We’ll get through this. Have you taken a pregnancy test?”
“No. This may sound stupid, but I’m too scared to get the answer.” I wipe my eyes.
“Was Aimee sleeping with him?”
“From what I read in Aimee’s journal, I don’t think she had a physical relationship with Tristen, but even if she did, is there any chance her periods would have been irregular?”
“I hate to give you false hope, but yes, Aimee was irregular.”
I slump back. “I pray that’s what’s going on.” I wipe away the remaining tears and laugh.
“What’s funny?”
“Not a damn thing, but I’m sick of crying. Stan often said, ‘Laughter is the best medicine.’”
Cam gets up and stretches. I sense he needs some space from me. “I have a confession,” he says. “I read a few of the letters you and Stan wrote to one another during the war.”
“Hattie told me you saved them for Arlene, but she didn’t know if you read them.”
“I did go through a few of them. I thought you were dead.”
“Why did you need to read them?” I shift around on the sofa, hoping he has a good explanation for invading my and Stan’s privacy.
“I...” He stops.
“Go ahead. It’s okay. Whatever you’re going to say, we’ll deal with it.”
He lets out a sigh. “I needed to understand why you loved Stan so much you could leave me and Arlene. I thought I might find the answer in your wartime letters.”
So that’s why he’s pacing like an anxious animal. I thought the biggest hurdle would be the idea of having Tristen’s child inside me, but it’s still Stan.
“I didn’t go back on purpose, Cam. The lifeguards were gone because no one was on the beach in that miserable rain. But the water felt wonderful. I dove under the waves and swam out past the breakers. Then I hit a riptide. I suddenly felt powerless against it. That’s when Rain saw her advantage and came into my head. I couldn’t swim and deal with her stories about how much Stan and Danny needed me. She was fighting to get her body back. At first, I was thrashing around in the water, but suddenly, I became very still. I sensed I was about to drown. I couldn’t allow Arlene to become motherless, so I let Rain take over.”
His eyes look sad but not angry. “But Arlene knew you were gone anyway.”
“I didn’t know that would happen. Rain had carried her for nine months. There had to be some connection between them. And it was clear that if I didn’t stop battling Rain, that body of ours was going to die in the ocean, and Arlene would have no mother.”
“What happened then?” He grabs hold of the back of the chair as if to steady himself.
“Stan and Danny were there in the light. I had no choice but to go to them.”
“Tell me what Stan had to say.” Cam sits next to me.
I smooth the thighs of my jeans with the palms of my hands. “He explained that he told me the truth about the vasectomy to give me permission to live and take this second chance at motherhood, since he took it away the first time. He wasn’t placing some burden on me. He was trying to free me. He also asked what I planned to do with my second chance at a musical career.”
“What did you tell him?”
“I’m going to be a conductor.”
“Congratulations, Shirlene. We’ll work that out. Classes. A degree. Whatever it takes.”
“Then he sent me back to you with his blessing. It was painful to leave Danny again, but Stan was with him. That helped me to let go.”
“He really told you to come back to me?”
“Yes.” I nod.
“I always liked Stan.”
“And he liked you.”
Cam takes my hand. “You took a big risk trying to return.”
“Time isn’t the same out there. I had no idea if I’d be drowning in Rain’s body or if I’d have to fight her or if I’d end up as an elderly Chinese man halfway around the world. But I was coming back to you.”
“I’d love you no matter who you were, but I have to admit I’m relieved you’re not a man.”
“Cam, I brought back more from Aimee’s apartment besides her journal.” I pull the engagement ring from my pocket.
Cam’s eyes twinkle. “Are you going to propose?”
“Aimee kept your ring.”
Cam takes it into his large fingers. “Yes. This style didn’t appeal to me, but I knew it was what she preferred.”
“Do you still love her?”
Cam sets the ring down. “Yes. You still love Stan, right? And Danny?”
“Of course.”
“But it doesn’t stop you from loving Arlene.”
“I love both Danny and Arlene.”
“Exactly. We never get over losing the ones we love, but we can move forward. Shirlene, I want to move forward with you.” Cam holds me close. He kisses my eyes, my nose, and my mouth.
I grab hold of his wavy hair and sink into the kiss. Like a switch has been flipped, I feel dampness between my legs. Chills run up and down my spine. I let out a soft moan. “God, you turn me on.”
He shifts back and smiles in a wicked way. “You are something, Shirlene.”
I’m relieved to hear my name and not Aimee’s.
Hattie comes in through the screened porch door with Arlene in her arms. “I left the baby carriage out front. Your daughter needs to be changed, fed, and napped.”
I can’t believe Hattie’s timing, but Cam hops up and takes the baby. “Did you have a nice time with Hattie? Woo, someone does need a changing.”
I have an incredible urge to pee. “I’m sorry. I’ll be out to help in a moment, but I have to use the bathroom.” I duck into the powder room under the stairs.
After closing the door, I hear Cam and Hattie whispering, then someone goes up the steps above me, and judging from the sound, it must be Cam taking Arlene to her room to change her.
I pull down my pants. “I’ve gotten my period!” I holler. I expect Hattie to respond, but there’s silence.
The relief of it nearly sends me through the ceiling. Quickly, the elation crashes around me as past experiences of immense sorrow over getting my period stab my heart. I’m overwhelmed with emotion.
“I’m not pregnant,” I whisper.
While I’m cleaning up, someone pounds down the steps in a run. “What’s going on?” I shout. Again, no answer.
I find the living room empty. “Hattie? Cam?”
“In here.” Hattie comes from the kitchen with Arlene and a bottle.
“I got my period.”
“Good.” Hattie frowns. “How do you feel?”
“Relieved I’m not carrying that sicko’s seed. Sad I’m not pregnant.”
“I understand, but you’re young. You can have another child.”
As if on cue, Arlene starts fussing in Hattie’s arms. “You need a break,” I say. “Why isn’t Arlene with Cam?”
“He’s busy.” She tests the bottle on her wrist. “Now, little missy, it’s time for you to be changed and have a nice drink upstairs.”
“I’ll take her. You’ve been dealing with her all morning.”
Hattie gets a sly expression. She knows something I don’t, and she’s enjoying it.
“What the heck, Hattie?”
“You need to go to the labyrinth while I continue to love up my goddaughter.” Hattie carries Arlene toward the stairs.
I dash after her. “Tell me what’s going on.”
Reminding me of the Cheshire cat, she says, “Go to the labyrinth, and you’ll find out.” She carries Arlene up to the nursery with no more explanation.
I stamp my foot. Then I laugh. That’s so me. I wonder if Aimee ever did that. I throw on a sweatshirt and go out through the screened porch. A lovely autumn breeze embraces me on the beach. The sun warms my face as I look down toward the labyrinth I built out of stones and pebbles last summer. I wasn’t interested in going into it again, but Cam stands in the center. It seems he’s waiting for me.
The sea is calm, and several people sit in beach chairs, wearing jeans and jackets. Others wander along searching for treasures tossed up by the tide. It takes a bit longer than I remember to reach the entrance to the labyrinth.
Cam smiles. He shares Hattie’s secret. What is going on?
“My last days in this labyrinth weren’t good, Cam.”
“It’s not the same labyrinth. The other one was washed away by a storm. I built this one for us.”
I look more carefully and notice this labyrinth is composed of shells and pieces of driftwood. Cam holds out his hand. I take the first few steps into the path.
“Forgiveness.” I move ahead, taking the curve of the outer circle, and begin the next section. I forgive Stan. I forgive Cam. I move closer to the center with each turn. I forgive Rain. There’s emotion lingering. I stare at my feet stepping along the way. I forgive myself.
When I reach Cam, he kneels, and my heart rate picks up. He reveals a ring box and opens it. Inside is a diamond in a beautiful antique setting. “Shirlene Foster, will you do me the honor of marrying me?”
My hands fly up to my face. Never in my life did I imagine I’d be proposed to again, nor did I think I wanted to be married a second time. Hattie waves to me from the second-floor deck. She blows me a kiss. I recall her saying that Cameron is a very different type of man.
“Shirlene. We’ll take it slowly. The engagement can last as long as you need.”
“Yes.”
Cam takes my shaking left hand and slips the ring on. He rises. His strong arms draw me into his chest. I wrap myself around him and feel the weight of the previous months lifting.
I look into his eyes. “I love you.”
“I love you, Shirlene.”
We kiss to the sounds of the sea and the call of the gulls.