| |
Late January
As far as Deja was concerned, there were only three weeks in the semester where she got to feel like a human being rather than a walking-talking calendar notification and library help desk; the first week of classes, Thanksgiving break/spring break, and finals week.
Now that winter break was over and it was time to start a new semester, she felt annoyingly optimistic. She hadn’t completed all the things she’d planned, but she’d submitted an article — and hadn’t been rejected yet — she’d made minor revisions on her book, and Alejandro had fucked her senseless all weekend in between completing their course syllabi and online course shells. If that weekend was anything to go by, Deja thought this might be the best semester of her entire career. She was in such a great mood that she wasn’t even complaining that the Faculty Senate had scheduled a meeting right at the beginning of the semester because of “urgent business.”
“Hi, please end my suffering,” Marie said, sidling up next to Deja.
They both took a second to find their name placards, and then Deja turned to Marie. “You look great. Classes just started. What’s up?”
“I just got invited to the on-campus interview for my job.”
“Oh my god,” Deja screamed. “That’s amazing.”
“Is it? I really don’t have time to write my job talk, and they’re going to observe one of my classes, which might suck because by then, my students might already hate me.”
“None of your students hate you,” Deja said. “I’ve literally overheard my students gushing about you and saying I suck in comparison. You’ll be fine.”
Marie rolled her eyes at Deja’s optimism and chewed her lip. “At least I don’t have to travel for it,” she said eventually.
“There you go, optimistic baby steps. I’m proud of you.”
Marie broke into a smile. “Shut up.”
“Hard agree,” Toni said, sidling up next to them. She plucked her placard from the table. “Why are we telling Deja to shut up?”
It was Deja’s turn to roll her eyes. “Marie got the on-campus interview,” she told Toni.
“Good. You deserve it. More than deserve it. And you’re great in the classroom,” she rolled her eyes. “My students won’t shut up about you. I think they’re giving me hints that they wish I was more like you. Sucks for them. Let’s grab our seats, ladies.”
She turned away, and Marie and Deja watched her back.
“No one gives compliments quite like her,” Marie said, a small blush on her cheeks.
“Thank god,” Deja muttered.
They scurried behind Toni into the auditorium. She stopped just in the entrance and looked around before jotting to the right. “Come on,” she called over her shoulder.
In the main auditorium, Deja’s eyes quickly scanned the room. She was looking for Alejandro, but she didn’t want to seem too obvious about it.
“He’s over there,” Marie said.
Deja’s face warmed, and she ducked her head.
“Yeah, you were super obvious.”
Deja turned to her right to see Alejandro standing behind his chair, chatting with Toni, while Mike joined in from his seat. Marie poked her in her side. “Ow. Seriously?”
“Yeah, girl. They can’t hold those seats forever.”
“Please. Toni will stare down anyone who tries to sit next to her.”
“Yeah, but Layla Morgan doesn’t feel fear.”
And just as Marie said her name, Deja saw Layla step into the auditorium behind them. Deja saw her eyes sweep around the room, a much more obvious version of Deja’s perusal. Excitement lit her face as she looked past Deja and Marie and spotted Alejandro.
Deja turned away quickly and headed toward their friends, but not fast enough. Layla brushed past them, making a beeline toward the empty chairs between Alejandro and Toni.
“Told you,” Marie muttered, pushing at Deja’s back even though they were all but running behind her.
“Is anyone sitting here?” Layla asked Alejandro just as Deja and Marie came to a stop behind her.
She interrupted Toni mid-word, and Alejandro turned toward her with bunched eyebrows. Deja couldn’t see Toni’s face, but she could just imagine the look her friend was giving Layla, and she shuddered on Layla’s behalf because the other woman didn’t see it or didn’t care, because Layla only had eyes for Alejandro. Deja frowned at the look on Layla’s face. She was looking at Alejandro as if they were the only two people in the room.
It wasn’t that Deja didn’t know that other women were attracted to him. Oh, she knew. She hadn’t been lying to him about that on their first date, but this was the first time that she’d ever seen anyone blatantly hit on him since they’d started dating, and she didn’t like that at all, but she had no idea what to do about that feeling and in such a public space. So, she watched, frozen, as Layla waited all too patiently for Alejandro’s answer.
But Alejandro’s eyes darted away from Layla’s face and landed on Deja. Once they locked eyes, Alejandro’s frown lifted into a smile, and his eyes squinted, soft wrinkles appearing at the corners. “Sorry, Layla, Deja and Marie are sitting here.”
Marie pressed at Deja’s back and pushed her forward. Layla turned toward her with bewilderment written on her face.
“Hey, Layla,” Deja said in a bright tone.
Alejandro stepped back to pull the chair next to him back from the table, which made Layla stumble back a few steps. It was the first time they’d seen each other today, and she watched as his already warm eyes heated. She licked her lips, her mouth suddenly dry, knowing what it meant for him to look at her like that; what he might have done to her if they were alone. But they weren’t.
“Let’s keep it PG, people,” Mike mumbled.
Deja dropped her bag onto the table and fell into her seat, the sound of Layla’s huffing breath and sharp heel clicks fading as she flounced away.
“Faculty gossip listserv gonna be popping today,” Mike said.
“Oh, definitely,” Marie added.
“No,” Deja said.
“Yes,” Toni corrected with a raised and skeptical eyebrow.
“It’s okay,” Alejandro said, his hand resting on the back of her chair and his thumb lightly massaging her back. “We’re not doing anything wrong.”
“You don’t get to be the judge of that, friend,” Mike said. “You registered this thing with HR?”
“N-no,” Deja muttered.
Alejandro flattened his hand fully against her back. “Don’t freak her out. We have to register a relationship of more than six months. We’re not there yet. Chill.”
“It’s easy to think that,” Mike said.
“That’s what the HR Guidelines say. I read them.”
“You did?” Deja gasped.
“Girl, you didn’t? Have I taught you nothing?” Toni added with a disappointed shake of her head.
“The point I’m making,” Mike interrupted, “is that there’s a bit of a loophole. HR recommends that you register any personal relationship over six months basically to absolve them of any culpability in harassment claims. But they suggest registering relationships sooner, just in case there are any reports of behavior that might violate the University’s ethics code.”
“That doesn’t apply,” Alejandro said. His voice was hard as steel, and it shut down the conversation. Mike raised his hands in surrender just as the Faculty Senate president banged on his gavel to start the meeting.
Alejandro turned to Deja with a smile. He squeezed her shoulder before turning in his seat and opening his laptop. Deja’s eyes darted around the room until she found Layla. She was sitting next to someone Deja almost recognized from the Business College, talking. The scene didn’t strike Deja as worrisome, but she was worried.
Her mind flashed back to her and Alejandro in her office, his hands shoved inside her panties and her tongue deep in his mouth.
And just like that, her new semester bubble burst.
***
They were filing out of the auditorium. This semester, it was Toni who had to rush off to teach. Mike jogged along with her so they could talk about one of their students who’d nearly failed all their classes last semester.
“So, what are you two getting up to now?” Marie asked, tapping at her cell phone.
Alejandro was walking next to Deja, one hand holding the strap of his bag from his shirt, the other hanging at his side, brushing into Deja’s every few steps. He wanted to grab her hand in his and hold it firmly, their palms touching, but they were still at work, and he knew she wouldn’t allow it. Even though he’d tried to reassure her, Alejandro knew that Deja was freaked out by that encounter with Layla and that made him want to hold her hand firmly even more, but he resisted.
“No plans, yet. Wanna go grab dinner?” Deja asked Marie.
Alejandro had to stop himself from letting his frustration show, because even though he liked Marie, he didn’t want to go to dinner with her. He wanted to be alone with Deja so they could talk. Well, he wanted to make out with her for a bit and then they’d talk, but they couldn’t do either of those things if Marie came with them.
Marie turned toward them. She was a few steps below them on the staircase, in the crush of faculty trying to get the hell out of the building just in case someone came up with new business they just had to cover before next month. It had never happened before, but the possibility of extending that long ass meeting was like an urban legend; everyone knew it was probably fake, but it sounded just real enough to terrify.
“Can’t. I need to start working on my job talk,” Marie said.
“Oh, yeah. Do you need help?”
“Job talk?” Alejandro asked.
“Marie’s interviewing for the tenure track position in Ethnic Studies,” Deja said.
Alejandro raised his eyebrows at Marie. “They’re making you interview for your own job.” It wasn’t a question. He knew it happened, and he knew better than most that the chances of her getting the position she’d been doing more than satisfactorily for years were much lower than they should have been. “I’m happy to help, too,” he offered, brushing the back of his hand firmly against Deja’s.
Marie smiled shyly at them. “I’ll remember that,” she said. “Maybe when I have a draft. I’ll be in touch.”
“Sounds good. Let us know how we can help,” Deja said.
“Yeah, anything you need from us, we’re there,” Alejandro said, because he meant it but also because he liked the way ‘us’ and ‘we’ sounded in Deja’s bright tone, and he wanted to taste the promise of it right along with her.
“Cool. I’ll email when I’m ready,” she called, sprinting through a break in the crowd and darting away.
Alejandro wasn’t sad to see her go, not in a mean way, at least.
“Well, bye to you, too,” Deja muttered at the top of Marie’s head as it bobbed away.
Outside, he and Deja turned toward each other, and she smiled before looking away. She was shy. It had been months since she’d been too nervous to meet his gaze. On the one hand, it was adorable, but on the other hand, he hated to think they could be so easily set back.
“Did you walk to campus today?” he asked.
She nodded.
“Want a ride home?”
She finally met his eyes. He watched as she licked her lips and then nodded again, but slowly this time. She sucked her bottom lip into her mouth and it riveted him like it always did. He wanted to do the same thing with her lip, to run his tongue along the soft flesh and taste her. And even though they were surrounded by a bunch of their colleagues and Mike’s warning was still ringing in his ears, he didn’t hide the depths of his desire for her in his eyes. He’d done it for long enough, as far as he was concerned.
“Alejandro,” she whispered to him. He heard the censure in her voice — he knew he shouldn’t be looking at her this way while they were on campus — but he also heard the desire between the syllables of his name.
And fuck if he didn’t love that.
“Come on,” he said, tilting his head vaguely toward the faculty parking lot.
She took a few steps, and as she passed him, he bent forward to whisper softly into her ear. “I promise not to touch you yet.”
She shivered on that last word.
So, did he.
***
It really didn’t take long to drive from campus to Deja’s apartment complex. On a bad day, like homecoming weekend or graduation, it was probably faster for her to walk than to drive, Alejandro figured as she directed him to her complex. Alejandro was only paying as much attention as it took to turn when and where she said, but the rest of his focus — most of his focus, honestly — was centered on his hand on her thigh.
It was possessive because now that he could finally touch her, he didn’t want to stop.
They’d gone over their schedules for the semester and realized that just like last semester they were going to struggle to see each other as much as they wanted. Deja had early intro classes, and Alejandro had late graduate classes. They had meetings on top of meetings, although there was a bright spot since they were co-chairing that outreach committee together, but he was still waiting on a few people to respond to the Doodle poll so those meetings weren’t on the books yet, and he was worried that by the time they finally set a meeting schedule, something else would have popped up in Deja’s schedule, and she’d have to pull out. He’d promised her that he would take on the burden of all the scheduling, so he hadn’t shared this fear. He didn’t want to her to feel pressured to stay on the committee if she really couldn't make it work and he really didn’t want to put one more stressor on her plate.
The reality was that Alejandro just wanted to take care of Deja as much as she’d let him. But he knew she wouldn’t just let him, so he squeezed her thigh with his right hand as he turned left into her apartment complex, reassuring her and himself that he was there. He pulled his car into a parking spot she indicated with one hand and reluctantly let go to shift his car into park and depress the button to turn it off, before grabbing her leg again and squeezing.
He turned to her and smiled. “So...”
A slow smile spread across her mouth in answer. “So,” she breathed. “You want to come inside?”
Alejandro had to take a deep breath to collect himself so he could respond appropriately. What he wanted to tell Deja was “Fuck yes, I want to come inside,” because he wanted to see her apartment, see how she lived, and maybe even, if he was lucky, crawl in between her sheets. He’d wanted that before they’d started dating, and it was only stronger now. He could feel the desire to be in every part of Deja’s life in his pores, but he didn’t want to freak her out. “Yeah, I’d love to,” he said with a calm he didn’t feel, but sounded reasonable to his own ears.
Alejandro grabbed Deja’s hand for the walk to her apartment. He gripped her waist as she fished her keys from her purse and pushed her door open. They slipped their shoes off at the door, and she locked all the locks behind them.
Her house smelled like apples and cinnamon, but the artificial versions of those scents, like a candle or something. It was warm and inviting, and those were exactly the words that he would have used to describe Deja’s tidy apartment.
“Do you want something to drink?” she asked in a shy voice.
Alejandro nodded. “Whatever you have. I’m not picky.”
“Okay,” she said, taking a couple of steps away before turning to him and gesturing toward her living room. “Make yourself at home.”
He had the restraint to wait until she was out of sight before turning into her long living room, bisected by a big burnt orange couch that looked like he would sink right into it when he sat down. On one half of the room, there was a cozy sitting area around a television, and on the other was a wide-open space, with bookshelves around the perimeter and a comfortable chair that matched her couch and a lamp in the corner. A part of Alejandro wanted to know what kind of books she read at home — as opposed to the books in her office — but he was really interested in all the pictures crowded on top of the shelves and hanging on the walls. Who was so important to Deja that she took the time to print out pictures in this day and age and frame them? The answer was clear at once.
“Is this your nephew?” Alejandro called to her.
“Yeah. His name’s Jamal. He’s the only grandkid, and he’s spoiled rotten.” Her voice got closer as she spoke, and he turned to see her with two glasses of water in her hands. “But he’s, like, the best kid, so it’s okay.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. I mean,” she said, her nose wrinkling in the adorable way he loved, “he’s got this weird obsession with zombies. We’re all hoping he grows out of it, but if he doesn’t, it’s not a bad hobby. We think. Do you have nieces or nephews? I can’t believe I’ve never asked that before.”
“It’s okay,” he said as she extended a glass of water to him. “I’ve got two nieces. One of my little brothers, Carlos. He and his wife met in, like, junior high and have been together for forever. Two kids, cute little house down the street from my parents,” he said and smiled, shaking his head. “It’s a real different kind of life.”
“Yeah,” Deja said. “That sounds like my sister. My brother-in-law was literally the boy next door. She works at the same company as my dad and lives close enough to walk to my parents’ house too. Sometimes, I think I should have followed in her footsteps.”
Alejandro nodded. “I think that sometimes, too. Every time I come home, I wonder what my life would be like if I had, but...”
“But?” Alejandro wondered if Deja could hear the desperation in her voice. He understood it, even if she didn’t, that need for someone who understood your life to tell you that you’d made the right decision and that you could succeed or to point you in a different direction if you couldn’t. He’d felt it, and he’d seen it in other people so many times, but it broke him to hear that tone in her voice and see the hunger for reassurance in her eyes. And even though he knew that Deja wouldn’t let him take care of her, he gave her the reassurance she was practically begging for.
“Carlos is a mechanic. He’s good at it. He’s fucking great at it, and he loves it. He was always a serious kid, and he wanted to be just like papi and have a life just like our parents’. This is what I’m good at. I’m where I’m supposed to be. So are you,” he couldn’t stop himself from adding.
Alejandro watched as Deja took in his words. He didn’t know if they sank in, but he could tell her again, happily, any time she wanted to hear them. He sipped his water, and she did the same. And then she chewed her bottom lip as she thought about what he’d said, and he watched her. They stood in silence for a while until she turned to him with a shaky smile.
“You want to order take out for dinner?” she asked nervously.
“Fuck, yes,” Alejandro breathed.
***
“This is so good,” Alejandro said, finishing the chicken wing in his hand and tossing it onto the plate between them.
They were sitting on her living room floor, eating wings and onion rings from the best dive bar in Centreville.
“The food in this town might be garbage, but they absolutely get burgers and wings right,” Deja said.
He smiled and nodded, dunking another wing in ranch dressing. She preferred blue cheese, but she decided not to hold his dipping sauce against him, he was so perfect in so many other ways. Actually, she thought to herself, Alejandro Mendoza was perfect in every other way so if he wanted to eat his wings with ranch, at least they’d never fight when they went out for wings.
“So, um...” she said, breaking an onion ring apart between her fingers. “About what Mike said earlier.”
He didn’t answer for a long stretch of seconds, and she chanced looking up at him. He pointed at his mouth to indicate that he was still chewing. She nodded and popped a piece of the onion ring in her hand into her mouth.
“What about it?” he finally responded.
“Do you...think we should disclose our relationship to HR sooner?” she asked. She was trying for casual, but she didn’t think she’d succeeded.
“We can,” Alejandro offered carefully. “If we do that, though, it’ll mean...you know, that this is real. For us, I mean,” he added hastily. “HR doesn’t actually give a shit about how serious we are, but I mean...if we disclose, whenever we disclose, I’d hope that meant this is going somewhere.”
Deja hadn’t thought of it that way, and now she had a new anxiety-inducing piece of information to deal with. Was this relationship with Alejandro going somewhere? She hoped so, but did he? Did he want something more than their casual dating? Or was this it? Was that why he wanted to wait on talking to HR? Did she want to know what he thought? Yes. But also no.
“We don’t have to make any decisions right now,” Alejandro said. “And I’m fine to leave it up to you.”
Deja shook her head.
“But if it helps...” he said, pulling a wing apart in his hands, “this is a real thing.” He said the words so firmly that Deja felt as if her body rocked with each one, as if the force of his certainty knocked into her.
She liked it. She licked her lips and then met his eyes. “You know, I don’t usually invite men to my house.”
“No?” he asked, smiling in relief. “So, you’re saying I’m special?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.
Deja rolled her eyes and popped the rest of her onion ring into her mouth. “You’re eating wings with ranch, let’s not get cocky, okay?”
“What’s wrong with ranch?” he asked with a laugh that Deja felt all over her skin.
She didn’t answer his question and he didn’t push. They ate in companionable silence for a second before he spoke again. “You don’t teach tomorrow, right?” he asked.
“Yeah.”
“Neither do I.”
She tried to bite back her smile. “Yeah. I know. What’s your point?”
He shrugged, tossing the chicken bone on the plate between them. “Nothing, just...you know...if you were interested in having a sleepover with the special dude you’re dating—”
Deja rolled her eyes and threw a packet of wet wipes at him. “Shut up.”
He caught the packet with a deep huff of laughter.
“You really want to spend the night?” she asked.
He looked at her, and it was his turn to roll his eyes. “Of course, I do, but I’m not gonna beg.”
“You sure about that?” she asked, her voice dipping with a seedling of arousal; a seed she knew he would water.
His hand froze over the basket of onion rings. She saw his Adam’s apple bob, and that made her smile. “Please,” he whispered.
She smirked triumphantly, “Thought so.”