I open my eyes to the sound of the alarm on my phone. I lift it, a feeling of confusion as to why I would have set my alarm on a Saturday. And then I remember. Bridal shoe shopping with Alice. Oh Christ, how the hell am I going to manage that today with the hangover from hell?
I switch it off and sit up, leaning on my elbow. My temples are thumping, but surprisingly I don’t feel sick. Yet.
I hear movement downstairs and a wave of instant self-loathing creeps over me. Why did I let him in last night after what he did to me in front of Neil and Karen? The evening is a bit of a blur, but I do remember the venom in his voice as I created merry hell in that restaurant.
I get up, ready to face my delightful partner. I pull my housecoat around me and slide my feet into my slippers and head downstairs. I can smell fresh toast and coffee and I feel my stomach rumble. Of course, it would having been emptied on several occasions the evening before.
As I walk into the kitchen, ready for a character thrashing from Lawrence, I am surprised and a little relieved to see Karen standing by the kettle.
‘Morning,’ she smiles at me.
‘Erm, hi,’ I say. ‘You stayed here last night?’ I remember her bringing me home, actually looking after me. Just like Lawrence should have.
‘I did. I didn’t feel comfortable leaving you on your own in case you were sick in your sleep.’ I cringe because I remember that’s something Lawrence has said to me before. ‘So I slept on your floor and got up not long before you did.’
I nod, taking in her words. It hits me how mortifying this whole situation is. I met this woman for the first time last night and she had to stay over to make sure I didn’t choke on my own vomit. I feel like a teenager who was caught drinking underage.
‘You gave up your evening to look after me,’ I say. ‘Karen, I’m so sorry you had to do that.’
‘It’s no problem, honestly. I’m just glad you’re okay,’ she says and then we are quiet for a moment and I don’t know where to look.
‘Thank you. I really appreciate you bringing me home, staying here. Thank you.’
‘Like I said, it’s not a problem.’
I wonder why Lawrence isn’t the one here, looking after me. ‘Karen, what happened last night?’
‘You had a bit much to drink, which isn’t a bad thing before you think I’m judging you. I wouldn’t do that.’
I bite my lip as I’m flooded with embarrassment. ‘Lawrence didn’t come back here?’
‘No, I suggested he and Neil stayed out and I would look after you.’
‘Thank you,’ I say again. ‘Did we talk?’
Karen nods. ‘We did. You told me about the girl in the shop, the girl in the restaurant, Lawrence’s behaviour.’ She says her words carefully, as though she is easing me back into the memory of what happened last night. It’s slowly coming back to me.
‘He ordered my food,’ I say. ‘He ordered the red wine too.’
‘Yes, he did. Neil didn’t notice… well, if he did, he certainly didn’t show it. I, on the other hand, noticed a lot of things.’
‘He does that a lot. But I’ve never noticed it before, not really. I always thought it was sweet. But now…’
Karen watches me as I speak and her expression is sympathetic, which makes me feel ridiculous that I haven’t recognised this before.
‘Do you remember what I told you last night just before you went to bed? About what I do for a living?’ she asks, blowing into her coffee mug and sending swirls of steam towards the ceiling.
‘No,’ I reply, because I genuinely can’t remember. I begin to massage my temples and close my eyes. ‘Something to do with running your own business?’
‘I am a counsellor and I volunteer at—’
‘A refuge for women and men in bad relationships,’ I finish for her. ‘I remember now. Kirsten gave me a card for that. Karen, I don’t think I am in need of a women’s refuge. He’s just a little controlling. All men are, aren’t they?’
Karen smiles, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. She is clearly allowing me to do what I always do and talk my way out of admitting that what Lawrence is doing is completely and utterly wrong on all levels.
‘You don’t have to defend him, you know. It’s okay to admit what he’s done to you. That the person you thought he was isn’t real,’ she says and I almost collapse because she’s right.
For the first time, I have allowed myself to believe that what he has done is wrong. Lawrence fooled me into believing that he was a good person. He’s not.
‘I put my number in your phone and, when you fell asleep, I took a note of your number. I mean it when I say that if you ever need anything, help or advice, whether it’s three o’clock in the afternoon or three o’clock in the morning,’ she keeps eye contact, ‘you phone or text me. I’ll be there.’
I want to cry, but I swallow back my anguish and breathe through it.
‘Thank you, Karen. I’ll be fine,’ I say. Something I have said to myself for quite possibly the millionth time.
‘I’ll let you get on with your day,’ she says.
‘Karen, I’m sorry about your dress,’ I offer, noting the red stains all down the front of the cream fabric.
‘No need, Beth. It happens to the best of us,’ she replies.
‘I’ll pay for it to be cleaned or replaced.’
‘Again, not necessary. I’m just glad you’re okay,’ she says it as if she’s testing me, to see if I will break down and tell her I’m not, even though I already feel like I have in some instances.
I hear the sound of a horn outside and Karen tells me it’ll be the taxi she ordered. She gathers up her things and heads for the front door to put on her shoes.
‘Have a good day, Beth.’
I wave Karen off and lock the door once she has gone.
I pour a coffee for myself and sigh when my phone starts to ring. It’s Lawrence. I don’t want to answer it, but if I don’t, he’ll only keep calling. Or worse, he’ll come here.
‘Hello,’ I attempt bright and chirpy, but it comes out anxious and hoarse.
‘How’re you doing?’
‘I’m a tad rough. But I’ll survive.’
He doesn’t say anything for a few seconds and I wonder if he has hung up.
‘Lawrence?’
‘Aren’t you going to apologise for your behaviour last night?’ he says, his tone remains calm. I almost choke on his words. ‘You embarrassed yourself, you embarrassed me. Everyone in the restaurant was staring at us; you broke two wine glasses, spilt red wine all over yourself and Karen. Bloody hell, Beth, I can’t take you anywhere.’ He laughs, but I know he doesn’t think it’s funny. This is the first time I’ve noticed the way he speaks to me. I’m hearing him the way others have heard him, like that woman in the shop on my birthday.
‘I’m sorry,’ I say before I can stop myself. I want to scream down the phone at him that it should be him apologising, that he was in the wrong.
‘I didn’t hear you.’ He’s mocking me, the way he always does.
‘You heard me. Anyway, I shouldn’t be apologising for what happened. You didn’t have to make me have wine. I could’ve ordered my own drink, my own food.’
He is silent again and I can hear my pulse banging in my ears. I’ve crossed the line, I know I have.
‘Isn’t today your shoe shopping day with Alice?’
I sigh in relief that he hasn’t reacted. ‘Yes. I’ve to be in town by twelve.’
‘Then I’ll let you go. Have a good day, Beth. Text me when you’re home, I’ll come over. Maybe we could get a takeaway?’
His sudden change in attitude throws me off and I find myself agreeing with him. But I also know that when he asks me to text him when I am home, he really means text to tell him when I am leaving town and when I expect to be home, before the eventual confirmation text of arriving at my front door.
‘One more thing just before I go,’ he says. ‘Just remember, I didn’t twist your arm. You didn’t have to drink that wine. You could have said no.’
My stomach flips. He says it with such conviction, yet with a hint of malice, that I realise that is exactly what I should have done. Just like I should have broken things off with him after I met Kirsten at the restaurant. Finding out what he had done to a complete stranger because he wanted to control me meant that he could do worse to me.
‘Bye, Beth. Have a good day.’
We hang up and I sit down at the kitchen table, my head in a rut. I have to sort myself out, brace myself for a day of bridal shoe shopping, when all I want to do is curl up in bed and think about how to break things off with Lawrence.