Sitting in the back of the pub is something I am becoming used to. I’ve chosen my watch spot carefully, a dead-end corner which they will have no reason to approach. The toilets are at the other side of the bar and the staff are serving from the centre, so I am safe in the knowledge that Beth wouldn’t notice me.
I watch them as they discuss things in depth. I can’t hear what they are saying, but I can tell by the expressions on their faces, by the way they are leaning towards each other and speaking in what looks like hushed tones that Beth has asked him. I smile at the thought of what Greg might be thinking. The tiny cogs in his mind finally starting to turn, realisation kicking in that perhaps I am here, I am here to help Vic get revenge for what he has done to her.
Only thing is, I hadn’t anticipated actually falling for Beth. I worked hard to make her fall for me and was surprised how quickly it had worked. It was only when I started falling for her that things changed. Vic wasn’t happy about it, I know that. The intimacy between Beth and I is something she expressed extreme discomfort towards. But I am sure that it can work to our advantage. My advantage. Of course, Vic doesn’t know the true extent of my feelings. I don’t think Beth does either, not really.
As much as Vic is the most important person in my life and I am here to help sort her life out (again), I am slowly beginning to realise that I have a life of my own. That I am important too.
I watch as Greg and Beth share a kiss across the table, before Greg leaves the pub, leaving Beth sitting at the table by herself, quite possibly trying to work out how we all fit together like one big puzzle. I want to go to her, to kiss her and suggest that we just run away together. But I have a connection with Vic that is so strong that I know I have to finish this. I have to uphold my promise, otherwise neither Vic nor I would be able to live our lives in peace. We wouldn’t be able to move on if I don’t fulfil my promise.
As much as I love Beth, I am willing to sacrifice my happiness. Willing to sacrifice her.
‘He knows?’ Vic asks. ‘He knows that you’re here?’
‘I’m not sure, but one thing I do know is that Beth has an idea that I’m linked to you. She must,’ I reply.
‘I should just come clean, tell him that I know about his affair and end things. It’s all gone too far, it’s a mess, Lydia,’ Vic says, pacing the floor.
‘No, we finish this. You have to put this to bed once and for all. This will help you move on from what happened to Gill too. And the baby.’
Vic stops in front of me and shoots me an icy look. ‘Don’t you dare talk about my daughter! You don’t get to say anything. You don’t know anything about it.’
I remain calm as she screams at me. I understand the pain must still be raw. It was only a short time ago in the grander scheme of things. ‘I didn’t mean to offend, Vic. What I am saying is you don’t want to have this affair hanging over you along with the death of your sister too. History is repeating itself and you’re allowing it to happen.’
‘No!’ She points her finger in my face. ‘You are using this situation to your advantage, Lydia. You are getting your kicks by having sex with the woman who is having an affair with my husband. You use this weird loyalty you say you have for me only to lead to your own desires.’
I feel a burning sensation at the back of my throat, like she has hit something deep in me, and it rises, making me want to spit my words of defence at her. How can she think that’s what I’m doing?
‘Lydia, our relationship is toxic, always has been. I can’t seem to cope with the shit that life has thrown at me and…’ Vic stops and I interject.
‘I always seem to be there to pick up the pieces? Vic, have you ever stopped to think that maybe you look for the shit that life brings so that you can call upon me to come and fix it all for you? I mean, take Matt for instance?’
She stares at me, dead in the eye and I know I’ve hit a nerve. I want to smile at that, but I decide not to. What happened wasn’t planned, neither of us have discussed it since. And we’ve agreed never to discuss it again. Yet here I am, pushing her buttons, edging her closer to destruction. I know what it could do to her if I say it out loud. I know what it might inevitably do to me. That is my problem, I don’t have the willpower to stop even though I know I should.
‘We agreed never to mention it,’ Vic replies cautiously.
‘We did, but that was then.’
‘Lydia, what has happened to you? You used to be on my side.’ Her eyes are sad, her expression falls as the words trail off her lips.
‘Yeah, well… things change,’ I say. I’m in shock myself, as much as Vic seems to be. I used to be all about her, all about supporting her and helping her. But now I think it’s time to start looking after myself. ‘I’ve changed. So have you.’
‘How so? We’re still the same people we were back then, when we first met.’ She takes a step closer to me, but I back away.
‘No, we’re not. You were weak, your soul destroyed by what happened with Gill, with Matt. With…’ I let the words hang in the air.
‘My daughter has nothing to do with this, Lydia.’
‘Of course she does. All those situations have led us to this. Why else would I be here?’ I say, trying desperately to make her see that without me, she’d be dead. It seems she’s forgotten.
‘If Matt hadn’t had an affair, Gill would still be alive and I would still have my daughter.’
‘But he did, and she isn’t, and you don’t. And if it wasn’t for me coming along when I did, you’d be dead too. Just like the rest of them,’ I say it with more malice than intended.
‘I can’t believe you just said that,’ Vic replies, her tone so soft I barely hear her.
‘Well, it’s true, isn’t it? Gill is dead because of you. Matt is dead because of us.’
‘And my daughter?’ Vic almost collapses. ‘Whose fault is it that she…?’ She fails to finish the sentence.
I decide not to answer that one. Instead, I bypass it completely and continue. ‘All I’m saying is, I’ve lived some of what should have been my best years in your shadow, fixing your messes and picking you up after the storms have passed. I saw the world as you did.’
Vic is crying now and normally I would stop, take her in my arms and tell her that it’s all okay. But I don’t stop, I can’t stop. If I do, I’ll only fall back into Vic’s shadow and I will not let that happen again.
‘I have to start living my life for me now. I killed someone for you, Vic. I can’t let that be the only thing I’ve done in my life. I just can’t.’
‘Are you telling me that you’re going to carry on your sordid little affair with Beth? It’s the definition of sick, Lydia.’
‘No, Victoria,’ I say and she looks at me through shocked eyes because I never call her Victoria. ‘You’re the definition of sick. We both are.’