WEDDINGS AND FUNERALS

Every culture has similar, yet different, ceremonies and services for weddings and funerals. Religion plays an important role in these differences for the latter, the main difference being the time and place where people get together. Unlike funerals, weddings (especially big urban weddings) have started to look alike worldwide.

There are different occasions around the world where people get together for different purposes and “coincidentally” discuss business. Golf is an important occasion for this, but as it is in its early stages in Turkey, it cannot compete with weddings or funerals. These are the two major events where people discuss two major issues: business in Istanbul and politics in Ankara.

Funerals are generally held at noon in Turkey in order to ensure that friends, colleagues and relatives can attend. There are certain mosques popular for funerals of important businesspeople and politicians. The attendees gather for half an hour to an hour before the service starts to see the family members and convey their condolences. Then everyone waits in the courtyard of the mosque for the imam (priest) to start the service. Once the service is over, the deceased is taken to the cemetery. The burial requires more privacy and usually only close friends and family members attend.

The first service at a funeral plays an important role for business and politics as it provides a spontaneous meeting opportunity (despite the fact that you can more or less predict who will be there) and you have time to talk before the praying starts. Faced with the ultimate end, people are more understanding, patient, and willing to talk with each other. It is very quiet and voices are always low. If you want to set an appointment, the answer you get is usually yes. Funerals, like religious holidays, are considered great platforms for individuals to get together and resolve conflicts. For an emotional and relationship-oriented culture like Turkey, these are precious moments. On the other hand, as these are moments of respect, attending funerals for someone with whom you have no connection or over-exploiting such “spontaneous” moments can create severe irritation. You may find yourself alone in the courtyard.

We once had a problem with one of the organizations we worked with. They refused to take a product despite our agreement, and they ignored the calls of my subordinates for quite some time. It was a big problem, and I was trying to reach the president of the company without any success. While coming back from New York, I read an obituary: sadly, a friend’s father had passed away. The next day I went to the mosque to be with my friend and pay my respects. The president of the other company was also there. When I got the chance, I told him that if we talked we could sort out the issue. We agreed to meet at his office following the funeral service. An hour later, everything was back on track.

Weddings, on the other hand, can be more difficult. The rituals at wedding receptions include getting together for cocktails an hour before the ceremony and then being seated for dinner. However, as weddings are usually held in the evening and are not regulated by prayer times, guests arrive towards the end of the cocktail party. Arriving late for such events is even considered a bit prestigious. Weddings are more crowded and noisier. You speak loudly. People limit their business talk during such events. Therefore, cocktail parties are used for short messages. As the seating is planned by the couple getting married (or to be precise, by their mothers!), you might end up being seated with people you don’t know. It is a like a caste system, determined by numbers and closeness to the stage. Important friends of the parents are assigned to the first row. Less important friends take the second. Due to respect for age and hospitality, young friends of the couple and relatives are seated at the last tables. You can figure out your “face value” to the family based on your seating position. Once you are seated, it is like the lottery. The chance of meeting new friends or spending the whole evening talking to your wife or partner is 50/50.

I was managing a company of 400 people when I got married in Istanbul. For the wedding reception, I had to limit the invitation to 15 people who directly reported to me. Three days before the wedding, an uninvited colleague came to my office, saying he was having a hard time understanding why he was not invited. I was shocked. I said it was a private event and that it was nothing personal.

While doing business or managing in Turkey, don’t underestimate how diffuse/integrated your business relationships can be. Your role is and should always be more than a business partner or a manager. You should be a good friend and a father/mother role model from time to time. In order to be successful, people should have an emotional attachment to you. And this is only possible by being there with them and sharing their sadness or joy.