YOUR NEW RELATIONSHIP: INTRODUCTION
If you find yourself single at the time of your Menopause, you are in the perfect position to reassess not only the life you would like to lead, but who you would like to share it with. You are effectively creating two new beginnings at the same time – one you have not been in control of and one where you are. It is a fantastic opportunity to recognize the you that is emerging and to value the woman you are becoming.
I found my husband in my very late 30s. One of my bosses had said, “Who would want you?” when everyone was discussing their partners and families. It surfaced that I was single and had been for a very long time. Everyone laughed nervously, while I wept somewhere deep inside. The problem was, I was actually starting to believe that my undesirability in all its dimensions was true.
I attracted a wide range of idiots, users and bad boys. Amid the losers, I did love once, but it wasn’t to be. While I mourned its failure, my apparent options and choices descended at high speed to the bottom of the pool, where I bumped blindly along. This would likely have stayed the same until I made some profound decisions. Once I did, I changed and, as if by magic, so did my options.
When looking to start again, it is imperative that you recognize who you are today and who you might be tomorrow. You need to remove any ingrained self-imposed stereotypes that you have harboured, as well as any damaging judgments from yourself or others about who you are becoming. You literally start again.
In this chapter, we are considering new relationships during Menopause. We will look at societal stereotypes and gender-based prejudice and how they impact us as we seek to find a new partner during this phase of our lives. We consider how dating has changed over the last two decades with the advent of online resources, and we evaluate the importance of attraction via your mind before your body.
As this is about you finding a partner that fulfils you, we start with you. That is, how you view yourself and the impact this has on both you and your ability to attract someone who will inspire you. We discuss the importance of values and how they play a pivotal role in trust and connection.
Next, we investigate your hidden superpower, your brain, and how it continuously seeks to find what you want. By giving it enough detailed instructions, it will seek to fulfil your requirements.
We wave the red flag at some of the unwanted types of partners we might come across, how to identify them and what to do when you do: walk away, quickly.
We look at intimacy, because it’s important both for you and your prospective partner. By recognizing that desire is complex and is reliant on more than your hormones, you can take control and implement change or seek support as necessary.
Unlike the other sections of this book, for new relationships there is likely to be a time when you don’t want to have the ‘M’ conversation, whether that be because of the negative societal preconceptions and stereotypes previously discussed or simply because it feels too personal. Gauging when that changes can be important for the success of your fledgling connection. But at some point you will need to raise it and, just as in earlier sections we look at the preparation, the conversation itself, maintaining the relationship and the conversation, and what to do if things deteriorate.
There is some overlap in this section with the last because, after all, we are discussing intimate relationships, but this is kept to a minimum as the conditions are not only different but newly formed and require gentle consideration.
New relationships after Menopause is over are a different challenge entirely, but one that having honed your resources in this transitory phase, you will be more than able to meet.
CONTEXT: SOCIETY
Being single through divorce or separation during Menopause is a relatively modern experience. This means you are in the position where you need to create your own positive narrative. There is little to build on. Historically, our societal expectations were that we would remain married until our husbands sadly passed and then remain single unless we had the good fortune to meet someone, usually depicted as kindly and without expectations, to look after us. Of course, many women were widowed by WWI and WWII, yet widows – then and more recently – fared only marginally better in social depiction or expectation as far as behaviours were concerned.
For those women who had children, being single and without a partner to work and provide for them was extremely hard, no matter how they came to be single. Women’s work was considered menial and, therefore, poorly paid. Childcare outside of family structures did not exist.
For those of us who had mothers who were single, there was general social condemnation. You were likely to be excluded from social gatherings, as wives or existing partners were nervous that their husbands or partners would be lured away by promises of free and easy sex. Of course, this is the ultimate irony from the generation that brought us swinging, key parties51 and the joy of sex.52
Being gay, while not historically illegal for women, was still viewed negatively in the wider social context. The 1960s saw the development of political lesbianism and feminism, which promoted lesbianism positively. Considerable advancement in the awareness and acceptance of lesbianism was achieved. Yet, for many women not from liberal or educated backgrounds, the opportunity to openly express their sexuality was still extremely limited and fraught with prejudice and disadvantage.
Our collective drive to independence, via education and successful careers, has meant our economic influence on society and its limiting prejudices and stereotypes has been eroded more due to commerciality than acceptance. How, where and when we choose to spend our money has attracted attention and big corporations are watching closely. They now know that they must appear inclusive with positive female imaging … in the majority.
If we choose to be single, it is just that – a choice. We can pay our own rent or mortgage, we can feed and clothe ourselves and our children if we have them. We no longer need to be beholden to a partner who doesn’t fulfil us or make our heart skip a beat. Equally, we don’t need to settle for someone who is less than we would hope for.
STEREOTYPES
For centuries, Menopausal and post-Menopausal women have been seen in a negative light. Past our prime. Our dewy youthfulness gone, our ripeness for reproduction over.
Society often viewed women over the age of 45 who were dating as desperate. Charity cases who should be pitied. We were ‘left on the shelf’, ‘spinsters’ or, worst of all, ‘old maids’. We were also seen as frenzied individuals who teetered on the verge of being ‘bunny boilers’.53 We were isolated, separate, different, possibly even dangerous as in Greek mythology’s Sirens, luring innocent and potentially not so innocent individuals to our lair.
Not anymore.
The highest rate for heterosexual divorce54 among women is in the 40–44 age group and 45–49 age group for men. Same-sex marriage is too new of a legal institution to predict. You are, therefore, in good company. Admittedly the pool of suitable men or women is considerably smaller than it was when you were a teenager, but that is not necessarily a bad thing. It concentrates the mind on what you want rather than what passed you by. This is not the conveyor belt on The Generation Game.55 “Didn’t she do well?”
INEQUALITY TO EQUALITY
While women are often viewed negatively as they get older, the view of men has been the opposite. Men have been seen as mature, distinguished and accomplished. In dating terms, this means that men see the entire scope of womanhood as potential partners and are positively applauded should they choose a ‘younger model’. This is insulting.
This is a view that is created by men to support men’s poor behaviour. The reality is, you are unlikely to have a successful relationship with a man who is needing to affirm with himself that he is still able to attract a much-younger woman. That is, unless you yourself like older men. You are not a nanny looking after a little boy. You are an adult, seeking another adult to spend significant time with.
You are at a point where you can define what you like and what you want. To be open to new experiences whatever they may be. In today’s gender-fluid world, you may choose to love either a woman or a man. You set the rules. Not society.
CHAPTER 36
CONTEXT: DATING
When you were young, you met potential dates at college, in the local bar, nightclub or round at your mates’ house party. It was generally fine if you didn’t meet someone one week or month because you might very well the next.
If you were single in your 20s or 30s, you generally met dates at work or while socializing with colleagues in a city bar, or if you went to the gym or at the club you were a member of.
Of course, there were the personal ads at the back of newspapers and costly dating agencies at the back of women’s magazines.
I tried the latter at my mother’s insistence. It was an unmitigated disaster. I sat with my heart in my heels as I looked at the person who was meant to be my date. Surely, I thought, I could do better than this. It seemed not. Every other prospective date cancelled with minutes to spare or was over 30 years my senior and thinking about their pension. Profile and reality were poles apart. My expectations and reality were a similar distance.
The last 15 to 20 years has seen the explosion of internet dating and internet ‘hook-up’ applications – shagging to you and me.
ONLINE
Online dating has many advantages. There are quite literally tens of thousands of potential dates available. Chance is close to eliminated. We know something about them before we engage (whether it’s true or not is another matter). There is also a site for every type of sexual preference or niche conceivable.
You can apply to the exclusive sites that require you to earn a certain amount, be a certain grade of executive, or have a certain level of education or intellect.
As with everything, it’s not all good. You must be prepared for the bad side, too. It is important to remember that this level of choice works both ways; you are also one of tens of thousands of women seeking a relationship. It’s why people spend so much time on their profiles and their pictures. Sadly, it’s why so many lie. If they seem too good to be true, they invariably are. This means the ones who are good tend not to be believed.
Just as with all social media, people behave badly. There is little you can do about it and the lack of proximity means that people feel no discomfort when being unnecessarily harsh to another person. It is fairly cut-throat in that people don’t respond or literally cut you off if they don’t want to speak to you, decide they are not interested in you or receive a better offer. At least on screen. Having said this, don’t let it put you off. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try; many people extol its virtues. Just don’t assume it’s a panacea.
CHANCE ENCOUNTERS
These still happen, honest.
I think the main thing to realize is that you shouldn’t rely on it. Expecting a thunderbolt or Cupid’s arrow is a unicorn moment.
I remember sitting in a café one morning and seeing a man in his late 50s stop in his tracks as he turned and saw a woman of similar age, who was sat laughing with a friend. She saw him and smiled. He tripped over a chair on his way out and stood outside trying to gather himself, not knowing what to do.
The problem with relying on chance encounters is they are akin to fairy tales. These tales are based on historical social constructs to limit women’s expectations and remove their belief that they are the ones who define their future. You are a grown woman; you have made your own way in the world. To believe that your hero is about to arrive on their trusty steed is naïve. It is also damaging because, in effect, you are saying that someone has control over you and your future life. The only person who has control is you. Don’t give it away, even in a fantasy.
MIND, THEN BODY, THEN SOUL
There is an order of play.
Whether you meet someone by swiping right or by serendipity, it is important that you connect mentally before it becomes physical. You are an intelligent, capable woman. Honour this part of yourself first. Your mind and your mental abilities have worked incredibly hard on your behalf up until this point. They underpin your lifestyle, your job and your aspirations. To put them to the back of the queue is disrespectful to you. You wouldn’t sell yourself short at work, so don’t do it here.
Physical attraction is incredibly important, but your body is changing, and you may find that you feel different about being intimate with someone. We will cover this in greater detail a little later. Needless to say, there are things you can do.
Finding that deeper connection to someone is incredibly important and rare. It takes time. Only you will know if you have it. Be aware of self-deception, though. If all the soul and chemistry is coming from you, this is not, and never will be, a successful relationship. Contrary to popular depiction, you cannot love someone enough for both of you – no matter how much you want this to be true.
When you have all three in harmony, you will have found something truly amazing.
CHAPTER 37
YOU
Before you turn on your technology or dig out your favourite outfit, it’s important to start with you. In You Now and Future You, you identified where you are now and where you want to be in the future. We have dealt in detail with your relationship with yourself, those you work with and your children, if you have them. It is also important to be clear about your health, fitness and finances, because they underpin who you are and the lifestyle you either lead or aspire to. All of this is critical when seeking a partner. What do you think about yourself when you look in the mirror? Do you like the version of you that stands before you or do you not? If you think positively about yourself then, unsurprisingly, so will others and vice versa.
If you are rooted in who you are and what you are about, you will find that connection easier to seek and identify when it occurs.
In Future You, when you dreamed big, were you happy everywhere with your lot except in love and intimacy, or were there areas that you wanted it to be different no matter how small? In your five- and ten-year plan, you were asked, “If everything were to be just as you liked it, it would be like what?” Go back and look at your answer. What was your vision of yourself and for yourself – were you active, sporty, bookish, super-sociable? Were you focusing on your career, in whichever direction that was? All these answers feed into the type of person you are becoming and the type of person you need to meet you in the middle, to share both good times and bad.
It seems obvious, but recognizing your needs comes first. If you have a specific pastime that you love, your prospective partner will either need to support you as you pursue it, or they will already love it or grow to appreciate it. Whether you have a passion for running marathons or doing macramé, recognize the acceptance you need from a prospective partner.
Below is a table for you to complete. It will help you to clarify your favourite pastimes and your most fulfilling social activities.
Now you have a clearer picture of what is important. It will also help you identify the best dating sites to register with should you wish to go down this route.
VALUES
Values are often hidden from view, yet they underpin the way we behave and interact with others. They are present in society and the community we live in, the family we grew up in, the companies we work for and, unsurprisingly, ourselves. We may develop opposing values to our family or community, or we may perpetuate them. They govern what we will and won’t do.
Values are so important that companies spend considerable sums of money identifying them and effectively (or usually ineffectively) communicating them to their staff and customers. Whole books have been written about them, and many dating sites now ask you to stipulate your values.
They are an industry of their own.
Values are so important because we identify with them at a deeper, more subconscious level. When others’ values match our own, we trust people and feel connected to them. For corporates, that trust means that we spend our precious time and/or money with them and, very importantly, we continue to do so. Politicians seek to convey their values so that we believe them and vote for them.
The potential list of values is vast. These tend to be words based on actions and interactions. For example: kindness, winning, tenacity, openness, tolerance, sincerity, honesty and compassion. Most of us, given the opportunity, would say that many are important; however, there will be some that resonate more deeply with you than others.
There is a difference between a value – something you hold absolute – and something you value. You may value punctuality, but it is not a value. Values will change with you over time and are subject to the phase of your life, your situation or the wider environment. Some may stay the same, but others change as we do.
For some, the concept of personal values is a new one. The following table56 has a list of some of the more common values to assist you in your thinking.
Remember, when thinking about your values, they are not the things you would like to demonstrate to the world. They are knitted into your very being and are at the core of your behaviours, they drive how you are in the world. Like it or not, they are demonstrated in everything you do.
Values are at their most powerful when we live them. Our behaviour matches what we believe in and hold to be important. If we claim to value honesty and yet are happy to tell the odd white lie, we probably don’t value honesty quite as much as we say we do. Can you say what your values are now? Try to list five. You will find that one or two of these particularly resonate with you. They create a set of conditions that a prospective partner will need to honour.
Think about how you then live those values, and how they are reflected in your behaviours. Give some examples.
Why is all this important? If your values are not met by another or worse, are trampled on by them, we can feel enraged, ostracized, separate or disconnected. If someone we love does this, it can make the relationship difficult or even impossible to be in. This is one of the reasons why honesty is so important for many couples, especially when they have experienced dishonesty or deception previously.
You will know if someone doesn’t share your values. It will feel scratchy, uncomfortable, like someone has been eating toast in bed. Alternatively, you might simply dislike or mistrust them.
YOUR JUDGMENT
Throughout this book we have covered the changes that Menopause brings in your behaviour in detail and, in particular, your ability to judge situations in the manner you once did. When seeking a new relationship during your Menopause, your symptoms will affect the manner in which you assess and respond to situations. This is heightened by the added uncertainty that a potential new relationship brings.
If at this stage your confidence is low, you will likely snatch at decisions that you once may have been more careful with. If others let you down or do not appear as you had initially seen them, you may react in ways that ensure the situation cannot be rescued.
Therefore, it is hugely important to assess your Menopausal symptoms against the changing situations which you may find yourself in.
FROM THE OUTSIDE IN
I asked at the beginning of this section, “When you look in the mirror, do you like what you see?”
I am always saddened when women tell me that they have stopped looking in the mirror. Please note this is not the same as looking to check your teeth or your hair. This is proper, full on, looking in the mirror, one that is bigger than 30cm by 30cm, preferably full length. A stylist I know confers that there are more women than you think who leave the house without checking their appearance, from hair to soles. This is not vanity; this is positive self-appreciation.
Are you suddenly realizing that you are one of those people who doesn’t have a full-length mirror at home or, if you do, it’s on the inside of your wardrobe door that is conveniently always draped in clothes or scarves? When you use public toilets, do you choose the ones that have small mirrors or do you become scientifically interested in the process of hand washing and drying to avoid looking into the inconveniently placed wall-sized mirrors?
Self-loathing is incredibly damaging to you as an individual. What one thing do you like about yourself, perhaps throughout everything you ensured that you preserved it? Is it your hair, teeth, legs, bum or perhaps something a little more ethereal like your laugh, your smile, your wiggle? We all have something. The trick is to start with that and work your way out. While this could be an exercise in attraction, it is more for your own benefit. If you can anchor yourself in one thing that you feel is good about your physicality, it will enable you to build your own self-esteem outward from that point.
Our body language and speech patterns tell the world how we feel about ourselves. We tell people that we feel like crap or are disappointed in ourselves. The words have a way of slipping out, yet we don’t even hear them. In addition to this, we slump, shy or turn away. We even spend much of our lives looking down, inspecting municipal paving. Our physiology tells people even – before we say a word – how we feel or what we think about ourselves. Therefore, starting with something that we feel great about enables us to speak positively or to physically redirect our eyes to something about us that lets us metaphorically stand tall and look up to meet our own gaze.
AGEING
There are few things in life that draw your advancing years into clearer view than your Menopause – varifocals notwithstanding. That is unless you have had a medical Menopause or POI. The loss of elasticity and plumpness, delivered by declining levels of oestrogen and collagen, means your body is showing the first early signs of sagging and loss of suppleness.
Your muscles are naturally lessening and, all in all, it can feel thoroughly disheartening. How the hell are we to compete with the 20-30-year olds now?
The truth is going to hurt. You can’t, so don’t try. Instead of swimming against the tide, which is pointless, knackering and even more disheartening, stop.
I love an anti-wrinkle cream, and I am a sucker for an anti-cellulite cream – none of them work, but I remain ever hopeful. I am also having to face the fact that I can’t wear miniskirts without opaque tights to hide my increasingly unattractive knees. The list is long, and I am not especially enamoured with it.
It’s time to ‘circle the wagons’ or ‘make a square’ – whichever film-based metaphor works best for you – and realize the following.
Obvious statement No. 1: Attractiveness is about you being you and loving it – whatever it happens to be.
Obvious statement No. 2: We are all ageing.
Obvious statement No. 3: If we are lucky enough to live that long, we will all be old one day.
Time is finite, so don’t waste it on worrying about things you can’t control. Instead, recognize who you are and would like to be, who you would like to meet, and focus on meeting them. Loving the life you have will enable you to take a more positive view of the issues surrounding the ageing process.
In the section above, you thought about what you like about your body. The table below is for the things you appreciate about your mind and your soul as well – that deep inner part of you that yearns to sing with another. This is a simple exercise, yet one that can be difficult, especially if you have been through emotional turmoil to get to this point and are managing a complex array of symptoms.
Commending ourselves is not a skill often taught in many cultures and especially to women. Now is the time to begin. You really do have superpowers. It’s time to dust them off and give them some recognition.
WEIGHING IN ... ON MENOPAUSE
Weight gain is a symptom of Menopause. We can’t pretend it’s not.
Many women find the sudden and seemingly inexplicable weight gain devastating to their confidence. It is all the more impactful for those women looking to find a new partner. All too often, women say that they don’t feel sexy anymore, or that they feel so unhappy with their changing body that they would rather postpone dating until they manage to lose the pounds. Sadly, this often means women needlessly become lonely. Action is required, and only you can choose to take it.
I know that this next section will be contentious, but I am compelled to say it because so many women gain weight during their Menopause. They naturally get distressed about it. If you are happy with your body, by all means skip this part. If you are not, whether it’s for health or self-esteem reasons, read on.
As oestrogen production in your ovaries declines, your body seeks to produce it elsewhere. Fat produces oestrogen, and belly fat is particularly good at producing oestrogen. Your body will endeavour to add fat all over your body and especially around your middle, in order to fulfil its needs. Combined with a natural fall in your metabolism, this means that you will need to take greater action to lose weight than you have done before. Just saying ‘no’ to the mid-morning biscuit fest or afternoon doughnut-a-rama, while positive, will not be enough. There are plenty of options out there, and you need to choose whichever suits you best.
I confess, I was one of those women. In my first 12 months as a post-Menopausal woman, I piled on 10kg. This was on top of the 3-4kg I had gained over the previous four years that I was kidding myself I could lose (tomorrow, naturally). To give you some context, I had always been tall, relatively slim and curvy. I had taken part in competitive sport since an early age and never stopped. I had sweated off my considerable baby weight after both of my daughters were born and always felt in control.
As I stood on the scales dreading the number I would be faced with, I watched them increase as though they were on fruit-machine reels. I tried all my usual tactics, but nothing helped. I had two questions: when would this end? And how could I stop it?
The turning point occurred when I met a woman for a business lunch. I had spent the preceding hours trying on all my business clothes to find that I could no longer get into any of them. That is not strictly true; I could get into them, I just couldn’t do them up. I stared at my bulging figure, horrified and somewhat desperate. I simply didn’t know what to do. I settled on a pair of black trousers that I had bought after my first daughter was born. I would have to discreetly undo them when I sat down and hope that my burgeoning backside would be contained by the forgiving wool crepe. I chose a ridiculously patterned bright shirt, simply because it contained elastane, which meant I could do it up. I hoped that the pattern would hide my rolls of back- and everything-else fat.
On my way to the meeting, I went to a department store to buy an outfit for a forthcoming event. I stared at myself in numerous sequined outfits, wondering if they sold smocks in my size. Sparkly earrings were not going to be enough to distract people’s attention or my own self-loathing. I needed a miracle. The lady I met for lunch was it. Nearly a year later, I am 12kg lighter. If you are reading this, thank you. You have been – and remain – an inspiration.
There are countless methods to lose weight, and you need to choose one that’s right for you. As stated, losing weight at this age requires focus, conviction and, above all, obsessive commitment. Breaking the rules ‘just this once’ leads to ‘a little bit of what you like does no harm’ and before you know it, you are back where you started.
There will be low times, when all you want to eat is chips, pizza or chocolate or perhaps all three. You will need to be resolutely committed to your path to remain on it. To help you through this, be ruthlessly honest with yourself. To prompt you, answer the following questions. Write the answers down and keep them; it will help to keep you honest with yourself.
Why are you doing this?
What are your motivations – has there been a tipping point?
How will you know you are making progress? Lots of small targets make the big success easy.
For it to be like that, you will be like what?
This is not about being ‘model’ thin; it’s about feeling great about your body and equally about feeling in control. This process will give you a sense of power. Stepping out with this sense rather than a negative self-image will be like a magnet to those you wish to attract. Feeling good about yourself inside and out is a superpower. It is waiting to be claimed. So, claim it.
CHAPTER 38
BRAIN GAMES
Your brain is an amazing thing for lots of reasons, not least because it is continuously working on your behalf. Your brain never stops looking to fulfil the instructions you give it. Whatever you tell your brain, it will look to find it for you. Yes, it really is true. Your brain is a superpower.
All too often, we amble blindly into the dating world, hoping that what we think we might want or like will be delivered to our door. Unfortunately, thought-reading delivery systems are housed next to the sparkly unicorns, and they generally choose not to bother leaving the stables.
Momentary thoughts or hopes are not enough to instruct our brains to seek or find. This leaves us scrabbling to choose between the flotsam and jetsam that flows past. This is not choice; it is false hope desperation.
True choice requires you to know what it is that you want, ranging from absolute must-haves to the jam and cream should it be offered.
This section gets your brain working for you. It truly is astounding once you point it in the right direction.
FILTRATION SYSTEMS
The level of information our brains receive in a single moment is immense. It has information from all our senses in fabulous technicolour with full surround sound, more smells than the Selfridges’ perfume department, tastes from delicious to disgusting, and touch and all its fabulous delights. Realistically, all this is far too much for us to deal with in its minutiae. There are 100 million bits of information coming in every second through your visual (eye) system, another 10 million bits coming through your auditory (hearing) system and another one million bits coming through your tactile (touch) system.57
As humans, the way we have evolved to cope with this is that we have created customized filters that effectively park huge sections of information, only allowing key pieces through. We refine our filters over time to section off the things we have told ourselves are not essential. We don’t even think about it. It just happens subconsciously. The signals are filtered from the noise. There are a lot less signals than noise. What we pay attention to gets laid down as stronger, more accessible neural pathways – meaning we then travel those pathways more often, making them stronger still.
Therein lies the issue. It is up to us to modify our filters as we change. If you have not recently reviewed who or what it is that you like and desire, then your filters are likely to be seeking what you thought was attractive the last time you were dating. Even if that was a fairly recent event, it’s likely it won’t be up to date. Given this, your brain could be overlooking potential opportunities.
For example, have you ever chosen something because you thought it was rare or unique, only to find that it sprung up everywhere? That is your brain seeking and finding what you have focused on. You changed your filters, and your brain did the rest.
Now is the time to make sure you know what you want. Once you have defined it, your brain will busy itself in the background, like your very own personalized matchmaker.
RALEIGH CHOPPER OR A CRISP COLD CAVA
You are not the same as you were when you were 11, 21 or even 31. Your tastes have probably changed. I am sure most of us didn’t even know what a cappuccino was until 20 years ago, let alone any of the other coffee variations we take for granted today. I can’t remember seeing an avocado or a mango during my early adulthood, either. I remember quizzing a waiter in Paris over the flavour of a blueberry. How the world has changed.
My point here, other than the fact that my eating habits have changed, is that as we grow up, our perceptions change as we experience things. We become more complex as our understanding of life – both good and bad – affects us.
When you were 11, you might have thought that a Raleigh Chopper bicycle was the height of finesse, while in your 20s it might have been shoulder pads. Your 30s might have kicked off with Pinot Grigio after work in a wine bar, while your 40s saw you familiarize yourself with champagne or cava when you didn’t feel quite so flush. Likewise, hanging around outside the local chippy probably doesn’t have the same allure as it used to. Go back to the table you filled in called Your view of yourself and look at that in conjunction with your five- and ten-year plan to see what kind of partner you are looking for.
SUCCESS IS IN THE DETAIL
Your brain needs detail to ensure it does seek out what you really want. Your filters need to be specific.
When I ask them what they want, many women declare that they wish to be happy. I haven’t yet heard anyone say that they wanted to be unhappy. Yet happiness is unique to each of us. What makes me happy is not the same as what makes you happy.
Happy is also too oblique a word for your brain; it isn’t quite sure what you mean. Happy is extremely contextual. If I am thirsty, cold sparkling mineral water makes me extremely happy. The happiness derived from the water is obviously different to the happiness inside a loving and supportive relationship. Being specific and contextual is critical.
By giving your brain this level of detail, you are giving it a description it can work to. You are priming yourself to first experience it and second, know when you do.
The other important information is about the person you would like to meet. Be specific about their attributes, characteristics and values, how they make you feel when you are with them, what you might do together – including sex, but not just sex. What pastimes will you have together and separately? This is a great opportunity; don’t waste it by skipping this step. If you don’t use your considerable ability to recognize that your needs are important, to the degree that they need to be validated, you are exposing yourself to wasters and users. I’ve not only been there, done that and got the T-shirt, I had a wardrobe full.
The cold hard truth of the matter is that if you don’t value you, nobody else will.
FOCUS ON YOUR POSITIVE REALITY
Without getting too woo-woo, you create your own reality. Whatever you focus on is your reality. Therefore, if you walk round permanently mulling over the vitriol that defined the end of your last relationship, things are not going to go well.
By this stage in life, we all have a history. Most of us have experienced heartache, bitterness, regret and disappointment. It comes with the territory. But carrying it around with you like Jacob Marley from Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol is exhausting, and it doesn’t support you in having a great relationship in the future. You are required to make a conscious decision to move on and relinquish or make peace with your past hurts.
The caveat here is if you are a widow. The agony of loss is incredibly deep and final. There is no animosity or vitriol replacing a once-cherished love. Those emotions are likely levelled at others or something higher than yourself. Moving on is not about relinquishing them but finding a place where they can sit beside you, knowing that they would not want you to be lonely or to live a life of solitude.
Creating a positive image in your mind of successfully dating a great person who is interesting, fun to be with, sexy and – above all – treats you with respect, will enable your brain to find them and prime you to achieve it.
With this in mind, the table below has some questions to help you. You know the process because you answered them before in Future You.
CHAPTER 39
RED FLAGS
While it is important to focus on your desired outcomes, you still need to recognize that there are those you would rather not date. Unpleasant or untrustworthy individuals do not disappear when they get to their 40s. Some work it out of their system, some acquire it over time or through experience. If anything, suddenly returning to the dating market after an acrimonious split can cause people to behave more poorly than they would have previously. This is often driven by a need to make up for lost time or to transfer some of the dislike they feel for their previous partner onto others.
I get a fairly polarized response when I speak about this. Women either fall into the camp of those who have been burned by these individuals or those who find it unbelievable to think that a woman of this age could be so naïve.
If you are in the first camp, the trick is to ensure you are not a repeat booker. While unlikely, for the second camp the mission is never be tempted to visit.
INTERNET BOTTOM-FEEDERS
The internet, while creating opportunity, also brings out the very worst behaviour.
The advent of internet dating means that many women overly rely on the initial interactions to decide if they will move forward with a relationship. Deception is easy at the end of a WiFi connection.
We tell our children not to trust people over social media; we tell them not to reveal personal details and to keep all online interactions in proportion so that they don’t spend every waking hour getting likes or distressing themselves over the lack of them. If only we played by the same rules.
Online dating is a shield for some. If someone hasn’t got the depth of personality to dump you in person or by phone if you don’t live nearby, then forget them. ‘Ghosting’, as this practice is called, is harsh and spineless on their part. They are not who you thought they were. Move on.
If someone flirts and then disappears, then returns to flirt or possibly even meet for a noncommittal shag and disappears again, all the signs were out in neon, telling you to say no when you blindfolded yourself and said yes. They are simply manipulating you, giving you just enough to want more. Move on and don’t look back.
CHEATERS AND WASTERS
If someone cheats on you, wastes your time, says they’ll turn up and doesn’t, turns up late or drunk or displays any other ingenuine behaviours, take the scales from your eyes and see them for the utter waste of time that they are.
White lies are still lying, no matter how you dress them up. Stand tall, shoulders back, laugh in their face and walk away. Once out of view, run. Most importantly, learn.
PETER PANS
We all have a little bit of Peter Pan inside us. We all want to remain forever young, but that is not the reality. This stage in life is the point at which those people who always seemed to defy the gravitational pull of ageing, while you seemed to be succumbing, will start to lose the battle. You are not Wendy. You are not the adult in the room who will enable them to stay childlike and bypass responsibility.
Equally, they do not get the right to be critical of you and your sensibilities. These people are toxic. It is easy to be deceived by them. They are generally fun and charismatic, yet they don’t take accountability for the hurt they cause. You need someone who will treat you like the intelligent women you are. This means you need an adult, not a child masquerading in an adult’s body. Get your metaphorical Hazchem suit on and move on.
NOT PLAYERS BUT ‘REPLAYERS’
It’s unlikely you will even get a sniff of one of these sorts of people, because they are looking to replay their youth and have it validated by a much younger woman. They want to feel that freedom and energy once more. Consequence-free. While understandable in its purest evolutionary form, I have had to hold myself back from a withering and derisory onslaught.
They may seem energetic and alluring. During Menopause we can crave the life-sized human wheatgrass shot that these people represent. The temptation is high, but resist you must.
Do not bother chasing them; it really isn’t worth it. You will only demean yourself in the process. Step back, be yourself.
Allow room for a more deserving candidate. Energy doesn’t channel in this way – the distance between you will be more evident, and you’ll waste your energy trying to keep up. And all of this will simply be to flatter them.
Do not put your life on hold. You no longer have the luxury of waiting ten or 20 years for them to return to you as a more mature individual. I have known women who have done this only to find it never happens or one or another of them becomes ill or passes away. It is a waste of all that potential in their lives.
No woman deserves to be treated badly. Looking for a partner should be an exciting time, not purgatory. Look forward, think about who you are and what you want and get your superpower, your brain, on your side and working for you.
CHAPTER 40
INTIMACY
Whereas 30 years ago you may have thrown off your clothes without a care in the world – or in fact might have worked hard to keep them on, especially after a few pints of snakebite in the student union bar – you now feel guarded and more than a little worried simply at the thought of it.
We have already looked at why and how Menopause affects body shape and the resulting impact on your self-image.
Life, especially if you have had children or surgery, can negatively affect your body at a greater level than just vanity. Considerable changes in body shape and scarring may have occurred. If you have led a fairly sedentary life or one that overindulged, you may now look wistfully back at your willowy youthful self. Perhaps you are starting to notice the first calling cards of ageing which, as we have already discussed, is happening to us all.
Menopause can and does affect many women’s libido, which is underpinned by their sense of desire and desirability. It is a variable picture. Many report that their sex drive feels non-existent. This is opposite to the way it used to be, when you felt yourself to be a sexual being, driven by a deeper need. It is possible that if this is you, your complete loss of desire for your previous partner is what caused you to be single.
Others, however, report that their libido is unaffected. Some lucky few declare that theirs has increased.
Your sense of desire and desirability is complex and is not simply a case of ‘clothes off, let’s go!’ even if it used to be. How you feel about yourself and your body and the context in which you find yourself in is as influential as your hormones.
There are a vast array of influencers and disrupters at play here. Some you can take immediate control of; for others, it’s not so easy.
Unsurprisingly, your hormones hugely influence your sense of desire. There are three at play here. Oestrogen and progesterone, which we all know about, and testosterone, which we usually think of as a male hormone. Testosterone is present in women’s bodies, and its decline can seriously affect our sex drive. If a lack of it is the problem, you will need to see a Menopause specialist, as most GPs will not prescribe it.
Negative body image is something that many of us struggle with. This is an area of influence that you most definitely have control over. I have already covered weight gain in this chapter, but there is also the influence of overindulgence due to stress, unhappiness or loss. Whatever your drivers are, you can take control, and you can be healthier and fitter starting now. Action here helps your mind as well as your body. You will feel powerful and sexier because of it.
The type of partner you choose is extremely important. If you need someone to handle you gently, then choose someone like that. Recognize your own needs and decide accordingly.
DISRUPTERS
We covered the disrupters in the Personal section – vaginal dryness, thrush and bacterial vaginosis, leakage and incontinence, hot flushes and flooding. While each is problematic for an existing relationship, they can be far more serious for one just forming – for both symptoms and the subject of conversation. What may have been mere disrupters are now potential destroyers. It’s important you take proactive action for yourself.
V U L N E R A B I L I T Y
Exposing your body for the first time and possibly the second or third time to someone new is always awkward, but if you are physically different to the way you used to be, it can be extremely nerve-wracking.
Under any circumstances, this is not going to make you feel particularly sexy or turned on. It is a hurdle you will need to clear before you can proceed to the part where you are back in the groove.
Your new partner will not have been on the journey with you through ill health or childbearing. Unless it is something obvious, they will not be able to guess from looking at you in your best dress.
If you think you can wing it, and that they are adult enough to pay no attention to it, great. But if you are particularly concerned about something, it is probably a good idea to discuss it before you get to the naked stage. That way, you can reassure yourself and ensure that there is no awkwardness later.
B E I N G O N H E A T
We covered this in the section on personal relationships. This is your body trying to make every last egg count.
Remember, you are still fertile at this point, and you can still get pregnant. It only takes one egg, even if it’s your last. If the relationship is yet to be tested in any way, this may well be the very last thing you need to happen. For some women, however, this may be considered a miracle – they may have been thinking their time for children had passed.
CHAPTER 41
HOLDING OFF THE ‘M’ CONVERSATION
While timing is everything, I strongly suggest that a Menopause conversation is not for your first date, unless your symptoms are so extreme that you have to broach it. It could be the only way to preserve even a slim chance of a second date, as you need the opportunity to have the conversation on your terms and in an environment of your choosing.
As suggested, many partners may even by this age be unaware of much of what Menopause means or involves. Awareness does not guarantee comfort talking about it. And comfort talking about it does not guarantee acceptance or preparedness to understand that it’s a phase of your life that will pass and not something that defines you. That means a Menopause conversation has to pass at least three tests – awareness, comfort and understanding. These are nondependent. That puts quite a burden on you and requires your calmest and most controlled self to navigate. Of course, it shouldn’t be this way, and it shouldn’t be your responsibility. Yet it is.
Even so, keep it light. They really don’t need to know about the depths or the complexity of your Menopause at such an early stage.
If you are worried that you will get an intense hot flush, flooding or an attack of itching (formication), for example, run through how you might manage them.
For flushes and flooding, start with your clothes selection – see suggestions in the Work section. From there, pack a fan and/ or sanitary ware. The fan you might need to comment on, but they don’t need to know about the towels in your handbag. At least not yet, anyway.
For the itching, wherever possible try not to start scratching and distract yourself. Some women use cooling moisturizer or an oatmeal colloidal while out, but declining oestrogen is at fault here. Seek assistance from your GP if needed.
When the two of you have grown a little closer, or if your symptoms are negatively impacting your behaviour, then you are likely to be at the point when you will need to have the ‘M’ conversation. Really, it shouldn’t be such a big deal. You are both adults. Well, at least I hope your partner behaves like they are as you chose them because they were your equal.
A SUCCESSFUL ‘M’ CONVERSATION WITH YOUR NEW PARTNER
You will have to have the ‘M’ conversation. Hiding it is not an option.
This is not the most romantic conversation you are going to have, nor is it one that you thought you would have to have, but have it you must. Especially if your symptoms are causing your moods to oscillate from loving to hateful, or teary to tantrum. If you are experiencing any of the disrupter symptoms in the intimacy section, it is likely you will need to discuss your Menopause before you get to that stage.
Your new partner is likely to be confused about the changes in you or your reticence to take the relationship into the bedroom. They will not understand the complexity of symptoms you are experiencing and how this affects you on a day-to-day basis. They really don’t know the enormity of how you are feeling unless you tell them. They are not mind readers.
Choose a time when you know you won’t be interrupted, whether that be by work, children, friends or their favourite TV programme. Next, try to ensure that the environment is calm. Seclusion is not always possible at home, so a private nook in a café or a walk in the park might be better. It’s your call. Remember that you are about to be humble and vulnerable. You need to feel safe and wherever you choose needs to feel private.
Prepare what you are going to say. Use the work you did in Chapter 3 and Chapter 9, where you identified your symptoms and the interdependency work you did in You Now. Think in detail about what it is like for you, what happens and when. It is likely that you may need to reference the chronology of your core symptoms as well. This breadth of information will enable the other person to understand the complexity and depth of your experience.
We mentioned the three tests – awareness, comfort and understanding. Therefore, the first part of your conversation is awareness and education. You are supporting their learning so that they can help you through the ups and downs. Even if they have experienced a previous partner’s Menopause or even their own, while it might be similar, it won’t be the same.
GETTING OR ASKING FOR SUPPORT
Asking for support inside a new relationship is a much lighter touch than in an existing relationship. It is probable that you won’t be living together or that they won’t experience the worst of your symptoms.
Be reasonable and keep your gory details to a minimum. Always ask yourself if you would want to know the details. Conversely, asking for a bit of understanding when you are sweating it out is perfectly reasonable and to be encouraged.
When thinking about what you are going to say, remember to be clear about the symptoms you are experiencing and their impact. Be factual. This should be relatively straightforward, as you will have established this already in You Now.
It’s good to start by talking around what Menopause is in general, and then what it is for you specifically. If you are having extreme symptoms, it is likely that your new partner will be relieved that there is a normal explanation for the changes in you.
Next, be clear with yourself about what you want from this conversation and the help you want from your new partner. Make it easy. You are in a new relationship; don’t overdramatize things. If your list is long and complex, most prospective partners may exit quickly. You will be painting a picture of high maintenance and unpredictability. What you are intending to describe are your symptoms and your strategies for controlling them. In reality, you are offering a picture of a woman in control. Even if at times you’re not. Beyond that, you are asking for occasional assistance as and when appropriate, not an onsite nurse.
It is vital that you discuss Menopause as a phase. When a new relationship is forming, judgments are often made quickly and on limited evidence. That you are suffering hot flushes now does not mean that you are, for all time, sweaty. Therefore, a description of the symptoms over time can help, as this helps to portray the arrival and point to the eventual departure of Menopause. Think it through, be honourable and keep it simple.
Now that you have declared that you are Menopausal and explained the symptoms that you are suffering from, work together to create some strategies to manage them.
As the relationship is new, most of the strategies fall to you. There is an opportunity, however, to create a two-way dialogue that can be helpful. In many respects, you have a chance to offer character-defining routes to getting help. Identifying and calling out behaviour that appears bonkers. Exploring amusing ways to help with memory loss. Ensuring fans are distributed in all the places you frequent. The journey needn’t appear as a humourless path across eggshells.
Humility has a role to play, as does humour. The person you are being is not the person that you are, but much of the person you are can be exhibited when otherwise there may not have been an occasion. Show how amazing you are. If you apologize, do so lightly, because you can’t help what’s happening. See the ‘M’ conversation as an opportunity, not as a dark cloud about to unload.
My husband always joked that we were both suffering from Menopause, especially when he awoke in the night shivering with the quilt on the floor that I had cast off in despair. He claims to be an expert now. My youngest daughter would also state she was suffering from a hot flush when she was just hot. She always had a big smile on her face when she said it – she knew she was helping me through it. Support and help take many forms. Sometimes just a smile is enough.
It is important to keep talking to your new partner, as they are unlikely to be aware of the nuances of your Menopausal experiences. Conversations of this type are not one-hit wonders. You shouldn’t feel relief that it’s over and done with. You will need to keep returning to it, not least because the severity of your symptoms will fluctuate as you move through your Menopause in parallel with the development and growth of your relationship. It is possible that you will gain some symptoms while losing others. If there are no outward signs that this is the case, there is no way your partner will be able to guess this.
We suggested that the second test was comfort. In many respects, Menopause offers an opportunity to create a relationship comfortable with all forms of difficult conversation, not just this one. You are defining your relationship by openness and sensitivity. Relationships characterized by withholding information of situations or feelings will be so across the board. Use Menopause to your advantage. Define yourself as open, empathetic, reasonable and wise.
Be prepared in all of this for some home truths regarding how difficult you can be. If this is the case, face it. Denying it shows disregard for your partner and the bond between you. You are also deceiving yourself and withholding an opportunity for you to take control. This is not a case of ‘if I can’t see it, it doesn’t exist’. If you don’t like that part of you and would rather ignore it, good luck. They don’t go away so easily; in fact, they will continue to upset you both until you recognize them and take action. That moment of action passes the control from it to you.
New relationships are often full of excited plans for the future, travels, learning and a wide range of new experiences to bond the two of you together. Ensure that your five- and ten-year plans are honoured. Link them into your conversations and encourage your new partner to enter into your plans. Disregarding them at this early stage can be a point of contention later down the line. Your relationship will pass from ‘me’ to ‘we’.
WHAT TO DO IF IT DETERIORATES
The third test is understanding, an unconditional preparedness to accept the situation and contribute with empathy and support. Without this, the fledgling relationship will deteriorate quickly.
If your new relationship does not survive this phase of your life, it is unfortunate, sad and disappointing. It is better, however, to learn this now than later down the line.
You are entering the second phase of your adult life and, most probably, so are they. You both will need to face adversity and challenging times. If the early bond between you is not strong enough to manage your Menopausal symptoms, then it is unlikely to be strong enough later on, to face other challenges that emerge later in life. It may transpire to have been a test worth taking to have found out.
The last place you want to be with a new relationship is artificially clinging on. Unlike the relationships we have explored in this book, the vulnerability of new relationships usually means that deterioration signals the end. Allow yourself some time to feel the sadness of loss and then move on. It takes a little courage, and a commitment to yourself not to let it affect your confidence.
Be realistic as to why the relationship didn’t work. Evaluate in a clear, cold manner. If for any reason Menopause or its effects were the cause, you can be entirely assured that it wasn’t ever going to be the right one.
The silver lining in this situation is that you are progressing through your Menopause. You are continuing to reach the end of your transition and are coming ever closer to your post-Menopausal self. You are growing in awareness and becoming more focused on where you wish to be. Your post-Menopausal self is formidable and will be so when seeking a new relationship too.
Each element of learning will enable you to more clearly identify the person you wish to be with. Who knows, you might be lucky enough for a sparkly unicorn to come clip-clopping up your drive. I was, but that’s another story.
SUMMARY
W H A T W E L E A R N E D
We learned that our perception of ourselves as intelligent and capable women is incredibly influential on our ability to find a suitable partner who inspires and excites us. As is our view of our body image: if we don’t like what we see, how do we expect another to?
We learned the power of our own mind and how we can harness it to deliver to us the person we would like to be with.
We recognized that there are still users and wasters out there and that while disappointing, it is a necessary learning.
We discussed intimacy at this rapidly changing time and how our symptoms can cause complexity that we previously would not have had to manage.
This section would not have been complete without an ‘M’ conversation, yet with the subtleties needed for a new and developing relationship.
W H A T W E D I D
We identified what we liked about ourselves – our mind, body and soul. We specified in detail the attributes of the person we would like to meet so that our superpowered brains can seek them out.
We confirmed the type of unwanted partners out there and how easy it is to be drawn in. Forewarned is forearmed.
H O W T H I S H E L P S
Taking control of our perceptions and our physical selves gives us the control that we lacked previously and empowers us to positively seek a partner. This gives us the sense of control often missing on the dating scene.
Facing new complexities brought on by your symptoms as an able and capable adult, while something you had hoped not to face, enables you to seek solutions and not suffer in silence.
Opening the conversation about your Menopause, while requiring delicate handling, is well within your capabilities, as is continuing the conversation.
We considered how Menopause may present itself as an opportunity to establish a bond in a new relationship.
Lastly, if this relationship is not to be, there is always a silver lining in that you are nearer to the end of your transition and your post-Menopausal self – and then you will be empowered by your reinvigorated second phase superpowers.
