It Takes Two . . . and Often More
The Ethics of Love Magic
OUR LIBRARY SHELVES would be much emptier if writers didn’t have love triangles to drive their plots and provide drama. Many people fall in love with married or otherwise committed partners; many married or committed people fall in love with someone else. When children come into the picture, things can become even more complicated. Child advocates regularly complain of the dangers and pitfalls of “broken homes,” even though divorced parents are more the rule than the exception today. A simple emotional reaction can lead to enormous complications and desperate attempts to cut through those complications.
Many would condemn any spell intended to break apart a couple, particularly a spell whose intentions were “break up X’s marriage so she will be free to love me.” This isn’t just magic designed to control another’s will, it’s magic that will cause enormous pain and grief for several people. A married person who wanted to cast a love spell on someone else would likely be lectured about “responsibility” and “commitment.” Indeed, many people would say that any kind of love spell was at best an unethical attempt to gain control over another’s will, and at worst tantamount to psychic rape. While these points deserve consideration, they may not prove entirely satisfying to lovestruck, hurting people . . . and might rightfully be read as self-righteous moralizing.
Each of these situations deserves due consideration and actions based on facts rather than knee-jerk emotional reactions. There are no easy answers to the problems—but there are important questions that should be considered before we decide on any course of action.
If You Are the Jilted Partner
The Ten Commandments forbid us to “covet our neighbor’s wife” as they forbid us to “covet our neighbor’s goods.” In this world view, adultery is a form of theft. The adulterer sins not because he has dishonored the sacrament of marriage, but because he has “stolen” another man’s “property,” namely, his wife.
Needless to say, most of us today have a more enlightened attitude toward marriage and relationships. Women have far more status in our modern world, and we no longer see marriage and romantic partnerships in the same light as business proposals. And yet we still hold on to many of those outdated ideas. I frequently hear clients tell me, “Everything in my life was fine . . . and then she STOLE my man!” or “He TOOK my girlfriend from me.” This is the same language we might use to describe a burglary. The fact that the former partner chose to end this relationship is not taken into account. It is as if the person were an inanimate object, carried away like a stereo or a coin collection.
This is not to minimize the economic issues that can be involved in a breakup, particularly a nasty one. A departing spouse may not want to pay child support or may not want to help with enormous debts incurred on jointly held credit cards. In this situation, I would recommend Ezili Danto’s Child Care Agency Spell (chapter 13; see plate 1). The idea here would not be to get revenge on your ex, but to get the support that your children are owed or the money that is rightly yours. (This spell, of course, should be done in connection with all the appropriate mundane steps—consultation with a lawyer, child support collection agency, or other services.)
Vodou has many charms designed to break up couples and to win the love of married partners. I have seen many people ask for this kind of work, and I would be lying if I told you that no Houngan or Mambo would do it for a client or that it cannot work. If you believe your ex may have left you because he or she fell victim to magic, you can use Legba’s Closing the Gate Spell (chapter 7) or Papa Ogou’s Truth Be Told Spell (chapter 11). This will help to break the ties that are binding your former partner to the magician and ensure that he or she is able to freely decide on a partner.
Before doing these spells, be aware that this is NOT a guarantee that someone will return to you. I have seen people use magic to break up couples and to win the affections of people who would not have been interested otherwise. However, I have also found that many people see magical reasons where the mundane facts can explain the situation clearly enough. It could be that your ex-boyfriend is under a magical spell; it could be that he has problems with commitment and a short attention span. Your girlfriend may have dumped you because her new partner is a sorcerer; it could also be that your relationship wasn’t working for her and she needed a change. Breaking magical bonds will end one of the problems keeping you apart. Other underlying issues may still remain.
Whatever else you do, you also need to concentrate on healing for yourself. Breakups are very painful. Your self-esteem is at an all-time low; you’re riddled with guilt and self-doubt as you try to figure out “what did I do wrong?” (You may well have done nothing—but often blaming yourself is less painful, and less frightening, than the realization that the situation is and always was outside your control.) Before you start any kind of work, take a couple of days for yourself. Dedicate an afternoon or evening to expressing your pain. If you feel like crying your eyes out, or punching a pillow, or watching sad movies and eating ice cream, do it. Give yourself a set period of time to wallow in misery. Once you’ve purged some of those negative emotions, you’ll find yourself better prepared to think clearly about the past, present, and future. After this, prepare Damballah’s Healing Wounds Spell (chapter 8). Use this every night for a week before going to bed. This will help you to find some inner peace amidst your turmoil.
Once you have completed these steps, you can decide what you want to do for the future. Look back on your relationship’s good points and its bad points. Consider whether your partner was actually happy in the relationship. Remember that if you perform a coercive love spell and it works, you may well have done the equivalent of caging a wild bird. You will have the bird around your house, but you will have broken its spirit. Also remember that magic cannot change someone’s inner nature. The problems that led to your breakup will still be there. Be honest with yourself, even if it’s painful. If your partner was emotionally or physically abusive, that abuse is likely to continue when and if your partner returns. If your partner was chronically unfaithful, he or she is likely to be unfaithful again. You may find yourself playing this melodrama again; indeed, you may already have played it a couple of times before this. If you decide this relationship in its present form is beyond hope, you can do Ezili Danto’s Wash That $#!% Right out of My Hair Bath (chapter 13) or Damballah’s Transmutation of Love Spell (chapter 8) to help both of you move on to where you need to be.
If You or Your Target Is Already with Someone Else
Sometimes we get swept off our feet after years with someone else. Sometimes we fall for a person who is already committed to another partner. This is a potentially explosive situation for all concerned. Your friends and family may be telling you, “It’s just a phase. You’ll get over it. Don’t throw your life away on a fling.” Others may condemn you as a “homewrecker,” a “player,” or other nastier terms. You’re not likely to receive a lot of support and understanding, never mind encouragement.
Condemning someone who took up with a married person, or who left a marriage for someone else, may give us that warm glow of self-righteousness, but it doesn’t help the situation. Marriages break up every day, for any number of reasons. Once we expected marriage to be “till death do us part.” Today “for so long as the love shall last” is a more common view. Divorce no longer holds the stigma it once held, and lifelong romances are the exception rather than the rule. (Even those defending “the sanctity of marriage” seek to prevent gay and lesbian marriages, not preserve existing unions.) We have come to understand that people change, and that sometimes they change so much that they can no longer share their lives the way they once did. If marriages are not disposable, neither are they an unbreakable commitment.
With all this said, there are a few things to consider in this situation.
HOW HAPPY AND STABLE IS YOUR TARGET’S RELATIONSHIP?
HOW HAPPY IS YOURS?
A loveless or rocky marriage would be easier to break apart than a loving union. By loveless or rocky, I mean a really bad marriage, not just one where you think “he would be happier with me than he is now.” If your target is happy, or even content, with the partnership, it will be more difficult to break apart. When you are trying to decide this, be as objective as possible. It is easy to turn your competition into the dragon you must slay to win the handsome prince or the fair princess. Your target’s significant other may be a horrible person, but probably isn’t. Do your best to understand why these two love each other and what has kept them together this far.
HAS YOUR TARGET STAYED WITH AN UNRELIABLE, CONSTANTLY UNEMPLOYED PARTNER BECAUSE HE OR SHE LIKES THE FEELING OF POWER THAT COMES FROM ECONOMIC CONTROL?
Is your beloved fond of complaining about various relationship issues, but reluctant to do anything that might improve matters? If so, you will be dealing with these issues when or if you replace his or her current partner. Examine the way your target treats his or her partner. If your target seems cold and distant when they are together, he or she may be cold and distant with you once your honeymoon wears off. If you two are already having an affair, remember the old saying: “People who will cheat on their spouses are people who will cheat on their spouses.” Your target may not be any more faithful in your partnership than he or she was in the last one.
DO YOU THINK THE ISSUES THAT ARE MAKING YOU UNHAPPY IN YOUR PRESENT RELATIONSHIP ARE GOING TO BE RESOLVED WITH YOUR NEW TARGET?
What efforts have you put in to saving your current relationship? What role have your own actions played in your present unhappiness? Will breaking your partner’s relationship apart be in his or her best interests—or yours? (Even a relatively friendly breakup involves a whole lot of work, energy, and suffering for all concerned.) Are you certain that the happiness that you could provide would be greater than the misery that your actions would cause?
You and your new partner are likely to be in a very vulnerable emotional state after things come to a head. Do you have the energy to take care of his or her needs while recovering from an intensely painful experience? If you are already dealing with major issues of your own, you may not want to pursue this one right now; wait until you have the strength you will need to deal with an emotionally explosive situation.
ARE YOU TRULY SERIOUS ABOUT THIS PERSON?
Many times, “forbidden fruit” is the sweetest: we desire that which we cannot have. Will you find this person as fascinating when she is free to pursue a relationship with you? You might be surprised to find that the grass really isn’t greener on the other side . . . and that the mysterious married stranger turns out to be a rather boring lover after all. Is this true love or is this a “prebound”—a love affair that serves as the catalyst and excuse for a breakup that has been on the horizon for a while? If you are just seeking a reason to leave your partner, you should do that without involving another person’s emotions.
As a child of divorced parents myself, I’d say you should take children into account, but that should not be the ONLY factor. Growing up in a “broken home” may not be ideal, but neither is growing up with two unhappy parents who spend most of their time bickering at each other. If you succeed in gaining your target’s affections, you have a moral responsibility to treat his or her children with respect and love and to work for their happiness, even if they don’t like you very much at first . . . or even if they never like you.
Your partner’s former spouse is not going to fade quietly into the sunset. She is going to be involved with the children, and, by extension, with you. You are going to be dealing with “baby mama drama” or “baby daddy issues” for years. This could have an enormous impact on your new relationship, particularly if your partner isn’t supportive or if she is unable to stay on civil terms with her ex. Again, this may not be a reason in and of itself to avoid a relationship, but it’s definitely something you should keep in mind.
If you are splitting up with your husband or wife, you need to make sure your children understand that you are not walking out of their lives. You will have to see that their needs are taken care of and deal with their pain, confusion, and anger. They may not understand that your breakup is the best thing for all concerned and may take their hurting out on you and your new partner. If the problems persist, a few counseling sessions may be in order, along with some Damballah work for healing (see plate 2).
Lovers and Friends
Friends share many things between themselves: in-jokes, fond memories, interests, and dreams. They often run in the same circles and meet many of the same people. Frequently they share similar tastes in romantic partners. While this is generally a good thing, it can also be a recipe for disaster. Many friendships have blown apart when they evolved into love triangles; many romances have ended when partner A fell in love with partner B’s best friend.
What do you do when you love your best friend’s girlfriend? What if you discover your best friend loves your boyfriend—or that you love your boyfriend’s old Army buddy? No matter where you are on these love triangles, there are no easy answers. You cannot control the way you feel, nor can anyone else stuck in this situation. However, you can control the way you act on those feelings, and work to minimize the pain for all involved, yourself included.
If you and your friend are attracted to the same person, you will have to consider several factors. How important is this friendship to you? How important is this other person to you . . . and how important is he or she to your friend? Try to distinguish between a physical and an emotional attraction. If you are in love with your friend’s partner, that’s one thing; if you’re just madly in lust, you may do well to keep your desires in the realm of fantasy. Try also to distinguish between love and infatuation, even though this can be difficult at times. Using Papa Ogou’s Truth Be Told Spell may help you to sort things out—but if you do this one, it’s best to do it before you’ve begun a secret affair.
The Golden Rule may be a useful guideline here: if you were in your friend’s place, how would you want to be treated? Would you expect him to sacrifice his emotions for the sake of your friendship? Can you imagine a way that he could become involved with your partner while remaining friends with you? If so, what would he have to do to make amends for hurting you and to regain your trust? Try to answer these questions honestly, then keep them in mind when you’re deciding how to proceed. You can also burn a white candle to Damballah and ask him to bring healing and peace to everyone involved, and leave some change at a nearby crossroads for Legba so that the situation will be resolved with the best possible outcome.
If you find yourself attracted to your partner’s friend, ask yourself many of the same questions. Examine your present relationship’s strengths and weaknesses. Keep in mind that you may be depriving your partner of a love affair and a friendship in one fell swoop. If you’re thinking about breaking up anyway, perhaps you should do that first and then pursue things with your partner’s friend after a “cooling off ” period.
Whatever your role, the first and most important thing you should remember is this: be honest. Secret love triangles inevitably come to light, usually in a spectacularly messy fashion. The suffering you may cause by telling your friend “I’m in love with your partner” will be far less than the anguish that will ensue when he discovers the two of you have been lying and cheating for weeks or months. Of course, saying this may be far easier than actually doing it. Try Simbi Andezo’s Communication 101 Spell (chapter 12) and ask Simbi to help you explain things in the best way possible.
What If We Love More Than One Person?
So far we’ve treated all these situations like a “zero sum” game: one person’s gain is inevitably another person’s loss. Rich falls in love with Sally and leaves Thelma; Minnie is dumped by Norma, who took up with Octavia. What it if it didn’t have to be that way? Why couldn’t Rich and Sally stay together WHILE Rich is seeing Thelma—and Sally starts a relationship with Quentin? Why can’t Minnie see Octavia on those nights when Norma is busy working on her dissertation? You probably have more than one friend. Why can’t you have more than one lover?
You may think this line of reasoning is ridiculous, but an increasing number of people have been asking themselves these questions. Not only are they challenging the idea that every person has “one true soulmate,” they aren’t sure that a person needs to have only one “soulmate” at a time. Some people have chosen to open themselves to the joys and complications that come with multiple partners by exploring polyamory.
So what is polyamory, you may ask? According to the alt.polyamory FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions): “Polyamory means ‘loving more than one.’ This love may be sexual, emotional, spiritual, or any combination thereof, according to the desires and agreements of the individuals involved.”1
Your next question may well be, “And how is this different from cheating?” Well, for starters, polyamory doesn’t involve lying and deception. Everyone involved knows about everyone else. There are no phony “late nights at the office” and no empty promises that “you’re the only one for me, baby.” Instead, there is honest discussion about what all parties involved expect from the relationship.
After this, you may ask “How is this different from ‘swinging’ or ‘wife-swapping’?” The big difference is that most “swingers” engage in recreational sex as couples, but don’t become emotionally involved with their partners. Polyamorous folks, by contrast, have a higher degree of emotional involvement. They don’t just engage in sex with other partners; they have full-fledged emotional relationships, complete with all the commitments and responsibilities we usually expect from love affairs.
Some claim polyamorous people are “afraid of commitment.” In reality, polyamory involves commitments to several people. You must commit time and emotional energy to all your partners; you must commit to honest communication with each of them. Polyamory requires a great deal of trust, love, and openness. All parties involved must deal with their jealousy and insecurity up front; all must speak up about their needs and their boundaries.
There are certain expectations and models to work with in the standard heterosexual monogamous relationship. They may be honored more in the breach than in the observance, but they are there and both parties know what to expect. When you venture into the world of multiple romantic relationships, you are in uncharted territory. You have to make up the rules as you go along, based on your comfort level and circumstances.
This is not an easy process. I’ve heard more than one person say, “That seems like an awful lot of work. Why don’t you just do what everyone else does and cheat?” Polyamory can be more satisfying and honest than sneaking about in the shadows and lying, but it is not for everyone. If you often find yourself feeling stifled by the rules and regulations of conventional relationships, it may be something you want to consider . . . but before making that leap, you should keep a few things in mind.
If you would like to introduce your partner to polyamory, you’re going to have a lot more luck doing so before you get involved with someone else. Open relationships require a great deal of trust—and cheating destroys trust. By bringing this up ahead of time, you have established that you are honest and willing to explore difficult topics with your partner. (To make sure you’re not misunderstood, try Simbi Andezo’s Communication 101 Spell beforehand.)
If your partner has introduced this idea and you’re uncomfortable with it, be sure to express your discomfort. I’ve seen quite a few people who went along with polyamory because they felt it was the only way to save their relationship. Invariably, this resulted in emotional explosions and suffering for all concerned. If you’re not used to telling your partner what you want, use Papa Ogou’s Give Me Strength Spell (chapter 11). With Papa Ogou’s assistance, you’ll find you’re able to stand up for yourself and set the boundaries you need.
Whether or not you decide to actually become polyamorous, it may be worth your while to consider some of the preconceptions you are bringing to the table in monogamous relationships. Learning why certain situations make you jealous can help you to understand more about yourself. Knowing what you expect from a partner will help you to find a partner who can meet those demands or will provide your current partner with guidance and boundaries. And if you’ve been a member of the “committed but cheating” club in the past, you may be happy to learn that there are honest alternatives to that kind of hurtful, dishonest behavior.
Ultimately, there are no pat answers to the question of love triangles, quadrangles, or more-rangles. The best advice I can offer is this: be aware of the feelings of others, and do your best to minimize the hurt to all involved, including yourself. Sometimes there are no easy ways to resolve these situations. Honesty and compassion may lead to some pain in the short term . . . but in the long run it will be the best course for everyone.