Vodou Love Magic

The Toxic Myths of Love

POETS, ARTISTS, PHILOSOPHERS, psychologists, and biologists have dedicated their careers to studying love. Writers have produced enough books on the subject to fill several libraries, and musicians have dedicated their careers to praising love. And yet despite all this attention, many toxic, dangerous myths still persist. These misconceptions encourage us to pick the wrong partners and perpetuate cycles of abuse and dependence.

If we are going to find love, we need to know what we are looking for—and what we are NOT looking for. Once we know the difference between true love and some unattainable ideal that exists only in fiction, we’ll be in a better place to get true love. We’ll know what we need, what we deserve, what we can expect, and what we should not tolerate. Now that we’ve explored and debunked some of the myths surrounding magic, it’s time to take a long hard look at some of the toxic myths that may be causing us romantic grief.

Everyone Has One, and Only One, Soulmate

Many of us think that there is one Special Person out there who will meet all our physical and emotional needs—our “soulmate.” Even those who scoff at the idea consciously may accept the myth without realizing it. It’s a common belief, and like many common beliefs, it can cause a great deal of suffering if you buy in to it.

Couples frequently begin relationships with the discovery that “We are soulmates!” Caught up in the ecstasy of a new love, they declare eternal devotion to each other. Later, after the novelty has worn off, they find that they’re no longer quite so attracted as they thought they were. She discovers that Prince Charming leaves the toilet seat up; he discovers that his Fair Princess snores like a lumberjack. Each begins to wonder, “Are we soulmates after all?” And so, instead of building upon what they already have, they part and go in search of True Love.

Others never even get this far. They measure every potential partner against their ideal, hoping that they will find that One True and Perfect Partner. Of course, reality has little chance against an ideal, and so many potential lovers are ignored altogether. “Where have all the good ones gone?” these people complain; “I can’t meet Mr./Ms. Right no matter how hard I try!” And meanwhile they are surrounded by eligible single people, many of whom are themselves looking for an unattainable ideal.

Haitian Vodou, like most folk traditions, is a practical craft. If you can’t find a specific lithograph, you make do with a similar one; if you can’t find a Vodou drum, you beat the rhythms on a regular conga drum. This doesn’t mean that anything goes, but it does mean that Vodouisants will honor the spirit of the tradition even when they can’t follow the requirements to the letter. This attitude will serve you well when you enter the dating world.

This does not mean settling for an abusive or unsatisfying partner, or jumping headlong into a relationship just so you can say you aren’t single. Rather, it means that maybe you should be open to meeting someone who might not, at first glance, appear to be everything you are looking for in a “perfect partner.” Use Legba’s Opening the Door Spell (chapter 7) and trust his wise, if sometimes bizarre, judgment. You may just find that fairy tale romance you were looking for. Remember that once Beauty saw past her own preconceptions and expectations, she recognized the Beast for who he really was.

If you are starting to feel bored with your present lover, it could be that you have outgrown each other or that you have recognized serious and incurable problems in your relationship. But you may also be settling into a new stage of love. No longer are you walking on clouds; now you are back on earth. There may still be flowers and songs, but there will also be long hours spent weeding the garden and rehearsing harmonies. It isn’t always exciting, but it’s an inevitable—and ultimately more satisfying—part of growing together and sharing everything, not just the good times. (We should also remember what Kevin B. Burk calls the Universal Law of Relationships: “Our partners in relationships are mirrors. They reflect our own issues back to us.”1 Are we dissatisfied with our partner or with other aspects of our lives?)

If you’re dealing with serious issues—physical abuse, an uncontrolled substance problem, repeated lying, infidelity, financial irresponsibility, or the like—get out of the relationship and get out quickly. If you’re just suffering from a basic feeling of dissatisfaction and boredom, there are a few things you can try that might help you to recapture some of that lost excitement.

Are you having sexual problems? Do you feel like she’s just going through the motions? Does he seem to have a headache more often than not? Try Ghede’s Spicing Up Your Relationship Spell (chapter 14; see plate 3). If your problems persist, you should see a doctor or a counselor. Sexual dysfunction can be a sign of physical or emotional problems that need to be addressed. Ignoring the issues will not make them disappear, but dealing with them head-on just might.

Perhaps you are having problems recovering from a bad argument or a stupid mistake that one or both of you made. You’ve forgiven each other, but you’re finding it difficult to forget. This may be a case for Papa Damballah. Get two white figure candles—one male and one female—an egg, flour, some rose water, and a white seven-day candle (a candle enclosed in a glass chimney which is approximately 8"/20 cm high). Place a pile of white flour atop the white saucer, and place the unbroken egg on top of the flour. (Like any snake, Damballah swallows his eggs whole.) Sprinkle a little rose water on the ground and ask Legba to open the gate for Damballah.

Now light the seven-day candle. Take the egg from the flour and rub each of the candles. As you do, imagine Damballah healing both of you, taking away the hurting and giving you the strength to forgive each other and to move past this obstacle the way a snake can crawl over the highest wall and continue on the other side. Take the egg to the crossroads and throw it over your shoulder without looking back. Leave the flour and candles there as well, as an offering to Papa Damballah. End this with Damballah’s Healing Wounds Spell (chapter 8) and then work toward reconciliation.

In time you may discover that you are truly soulmates, brought together to share each joy and pain. You may also discover that your time together has come to an end, and that you now must move on and lead your own lives. Whatever happens, you will be able to say that you tried your best, and that you got everything you could out of the relationship.

Ultimately, one of the most dangerous parts of the soulmate myth is the idea that someone else can “make you whole.” Alas, no one but YOU can make you whole. If you are looking for someone to make your life complete, you will probably do best to complete your own life—and then look for someone with whom you can share it. If you are having problems with your self-confidence, I generally recommend burning a red candle for Danto on Tuesday, then performing Papa Ogou’s Give Me Strength Spell (chapter 11) on Wednesday. This will help you to become a stronger person on your own and better able to handle the responsibilities of a partner when one arrives in your life.

We Have Love . . . Who Needs Money?

Some believe that once they are in love, nothing else matters. “Sure, we’re flat broke,” they say. “Of course it would be nice if he could continue his education, or if I could take that promotion that would require moving to another state. But those are just material things, and when you’re in love you shouldn’t let material things bother you. What kind of gold digger thinks about money when choosing a lover anyway?”

I would never tell anyone to marry for money, nor would I ever tell anyone to break up for lack of money. On the other hand, it is foolish to assume that our material success (or lack thereof) will not have an impact on our relationship. Those writers who pen romances about starving artists living in drafty garrets generally are neither hungry nor cold. If your prospective partner has serious financial problems, they will become your problems too.

(On yet a third hand, many people forget that wealth can stress a relationship as much as poverty. Your mother may have encouraged you to marry a doctor or a lawyer—but did she talk about the eighty-hour work weeks? Did she ever mention the people who are trapped in loveless marriages because they’re afraid of losing a standard of living to which they have grown accustomed?)

As with most things related to love, the issue of love and money is a tangled and thorny one. There are no easy answers to these hard questions, and of course each situation is different. I cannot offer you any hard and fast rules on how to handle a situation like this. The best I can do is present a few pointers to keep in mind while making your decision.

The first comes from that wise Houngan Socrates: “Know thyself.” All too often we have an unrealistic view of what we can and cannot tolerate—particularly when we’re basking in the warm glow of love. Unfortunately, when you’re choosing a life partner or getting involved in a serious relationship, you need all the stone-cold sober clarity you can get. You may think now that life as a broke Bohemian artist appeals to you. Will it appeal to you after you’ve spent a couple years eating ramen noodles and dodging bill collectors? Will you be able to accept these difficulties or will you always be vaguely disgruntled as you “tolerate” your significant other’s failings with a long-suffering sigh? A bit of divination and meditation now (see chapter 2) may save you a lot of problems later.

The second pointer, which is equally important, is “Know your partner.” You believe that she can overcome problems with your help. That may be so, but does she want to? When I say “want to,” I mean “is committed to overcoming this problem, and is taking material steps to do so.” Is she making efforts to cut down credit card debt or spend more responsibly? Does she sit on the couch complaining about having no job, or does she spend the workday pounding the pavement, preparing resumes, and doing what it takes to find employment? She may talk about change, and that’s all well and good—but unless she is actually “walking the walk,” you’re not likely to see any kind of improvements.

Are these financial problems temporary? A graduate student may be broke now, but earning a reasonable income in the near future. There are artists who earn a living from their work; they may not be rolling in dough, but they are able to pay their bills, keep a roof over their head, and fill their refrigerator by doing what they love. If your prospective partner has some chance of earning more money in the future, and he is taking real steps toward improving your material condition, that’s one thing. If he has big dreams but a small work ethic, that’s still another.

You may have the financial resources to support your partner. Do you think you can do this without feeling resentful or contemptuous? Are you going to start feeling like you’ve put all of your dreams on hold for someone else? If so, think long and hard about this relationship. There are few things more uncomfortable for all concerned than a relationship poisoned by dependency and resentment. You’re not doing your partner any favors by treating him or her as a spoiled child who is holding you back—and if you resent your situation, that is exactly how you will end up behaving.