Every desirable and beneficial gift comes out of heaven. The gifts are rivers of light cascading down from the Father of Light. There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle.
[JAMES 1:17, THE MESSAGE]
THE BIG IT was given to us by God. As with everything from Him, it is very good. Sex and our sexuality are good things.
In these pages we are discussing sexual activity in marriage between a man and a woman and our God-given sexuality, regardless of whether we are married or not. By sexuality we include our make up as men and women and our capacity and desire to express ourselves as such. That includes sexual expression and, of course, the very much related arena of intimacy. In my terms of reference we are all sexual as growing and/or mature adults, regardless of whether we have married and are sexually active.
We were created to enjoy sex, but as with many of God’s gifts to us, this one has been spoiled in the fallen world we are part of. It has been distorted and twisted in many quarters and in the mass, popular media. We are going to see that there is a spiritual agenda behind this too. But that does not change the fact that He gave us something that is very good. We should not allow ourselves to be robbed of His gift and those blessings that pertain to it; there is no need for us to move out of His blessing to merely settle for a compromised shadow of its reality.
Likewise, the pre-marriage state of virginity is very good, but we need to consider the nature of intimacy and how we wish to express it. I think it is safe to say that most people will want to express intimacy sexually. If that is the case, God has given us the gift of marriage, which makes ample room for that expression amongst its many facets.
Whatever the multiple messages around us, I hope we will see that sex outside marriage makes no sense when you consider its precious nature and, as importantly, the nature of the Giver.
INTIMACY
Sex is all about intimacy—our desire to live in it, express it, and experience it. This remains true although the media has tried, and tries, to communicate that pleasure is the primary issue. Apparently, pleasure will satisfy us. But God made us to live in relationship with Himself, a relationship that can mirror the intimacy within the Trinity of Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. This relationship with Him was never meant to be devoid of expression.
Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! For your love is better than wine.
—SONG OF SONGS 1:2, ESV
Yes, that was the Bible, folks.
Jeanne Guyon comments:
What is this kiss? It is complete spiritual union: a real, permanent, and lasting experience of God’s nature. The kiss is the union of God’s spirit to your spirit.1
The kiss. Kissing is well down the list when the world considers its intimacy boundaries. Kissing is “just” kissing. And, of course, there are different types of kisses for different relationships. However, I think we underestimate the value of a kiss in terms of courting relationships. Kissing communicates a real closeness, so we need to make sure, ladies and gentlemen, that we mean not only what we are literally saying to someone but also what we are kissing! Kissing brings a measure of union, as we have read in Song of Songs.
Marriage mirrors the union of God and the church in Jesus Christ. Just as the blood of Jesus has reconciled us back to the Father, so the spirit of a man and woman become inseparably joined together in marriage and sexual union.
For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.
—EPHESIANS 5:31–32
If sex is sometimes treated and considered cheaply, the real intimacy referred to by Ms. Guyon isn’t cheap, is it? The price paid to bring us home to Father God was immeasurable in our finite understanding. We will never know the full extent of it this side of heaven, although the Holy Spirit does reveal aspects of it to us. May He continue to do so! But the price Jesus paid and the desire He had, and has, to be one with His people sheds light on marriage as a precious opportunity to become one with your spouse and to come into that rest that has also become part of our redeemed relationship with God. I believe few find the deeper realities of such a precious oneness in their marriages. If the extent of the intimacy could be as that of Jesus and His church, then there are riches to be discovered, I would suggest, for most—if not all—married couples.
Here, a recently wed young wife describes something of her feelings for the gift that she has been given:
I have many thoughts about life. More specifically, musings about marriage. I can’t help it; my husband is the greatest gift I have ever been given, and the slightest meditation on that truth intoxicates me to the core. He himself and the way in which he crashed into my world thoroughly blows my mind and sweeps me off my feet. Not a day goes by when I am not awestruck, lovestruck, head over heels and gripped by gratitude, in awe of the reality in which we now live. Walking hand in hand and falling asleep intwined [sic] are forever favourites, and waking up next to him is the best start to every single day.2
Now, the cynic may wonder how long she has been married or suggest that her man hasn’t had time to really annoy her yet or show his true colors. Nevertheless, what an encouragement her words are to those hoping to be married and for those preparing more immediately for it! They go far, far beyond a wedding day, with its exciting trappings and visions of the beginning of a life together, though those are certainly wonderful in themselves. More significantly, this is about a unique union, one which is designed to strengthen, empower, and speak in society of the love of God. Marriage can be a prophetic expression in our homes and communities.
For the anxious longing of the creation waits eagerly for the revealing of the sons of God.
—ROMANS 8:19
The Amplified Bible says:
For [even the whole] creation (all nature) waits expectantly and longs earnestly for God’s sons to be made known [waits for the revealing, the disclosing of their sonship].
Sexuality is an area of life where society needs revelation and truth. As the life of Christ is revealed through the church, may it also speak into the areas of relationships and sex, and may the world witness health and blessing in the lives of Christian men and women.
It is hardly surprising that our spiritual adversary would work so busily to have marriage maligned and discredited. He would paint a picture of a limited, shackled, dull life rather than a bright, intimate, liberated one.
I want to say again that sex is really very good! It is an area of married life that deserves respect and nurturing. It is something to be celebrated, honored, and explored and is worthy of adventure!
The it is really an us. It is a “two become one” proposition. It can be rock solid and can massively enrich two individuals who have become one in a spiritual union that is a foundation to emotional and physical union.
KNOWING
Sex has to be something very special. Don’t we intrinsically sense that this is so? God has designed us to know that. There is a certain mystery to it. We want to know about sex as we begin to mature into adulthood, and this goes deeper than just an innate desire to procreate or even to experience sexual pleasure. There is something about desiring to be so close to someone else, to be genuinely known. Early on in the Bible, we read:
The man gave names to all the cattle, and to the birds of the sky, and to every beast of the field, but for Adam there was not found a helper suitable for him. So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place. The Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. The man said, “This is now bone of my bones, And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man.” For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.
—GENESIS 2:20–25
Verse 25 is a perfect description of intimacy: “And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.”
Genesis 4 tells us that Adam and Eve had sexual union:
And Adam knew Eve as his wife, and she became pregnant.
—GENESIS 4:1, AMP
Other translations opt for a more contemporary feel to the language; Adam “had relations” with Eve, for example, in the New American Standard Version. But the King James Version captures beautifully the essence of the sexual act. In an act the couple “knew” each other; they entered into a realm of intimacy and mutual oneness that the sexual act had been designed to fulfil. Eye to eye, mouth to mouth, bodies intertwined, two into one.
In Genesis 2:24, the New International Version says that the man and wife are “united.” The Darby Translation says that he will “cleave” to her.
I think there is something here for most couples to want to aspire to. I am not talking about sexual performance. I am sure the early fumbling amongst the sheets does, in time, begin to give way to an enhanced experience for both husband and wife as they grow to understand each other’s needs and preferences! There is nothing wrong with trying new “moves” as you seek to please your partner! Can there not be fun and a bit of an adventure? Intimacy frees us from the need to impress, as the spirit of the world may seek to do. In intimacy both parties are already impressed in a bond of acceptance and are free to explore together, make some mistakes, and enjoy the humorous side of growing in that togetherness.
I would suggest that the Bible shows us that the union between Adam and Eve was at a core level. This wasn’t just about physical sex. It involved an intimate connection between them, bestowed within them through their God-given DNA. You have that too, and so does your spouse. I pray that the “marrieds” who are reading will grow to experience an intimacy that surpasses even their wildest dreams. God can do that for you.
Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us.
—EPHESIANS 3:20
I wonder how many times that verse has been applied with regard to sex! Maybe not often! But, hey, why not? This is part of the main message of this book. God does not want the arena of sex locked away as a no-go area. Let’s bring it into the light and, whilst affording it all due care and respect, really live!
YOUTH
We owe it to our young people, I will tell you that for certain. If the church does not discuss sex as a healthy element of marriage, our youth will find plenty of willing voices elsewhere who are willing to speak and be heard. Those voices will relentlessly churn out the world’s lust-laden mantra and offer answers to our youths’ inquiring minds. I appreciate that there is a time and a place, but parents and parent figures in the church would do our young people a great service by being transparent with some of these issues. There is no shame for us in Christ, so let us throw off embarrassment and fear which masquerade as decorum and provide a safe, accepting, and affirming environment for our youth and singles to be free to explore feelings, questions, and concerns. Ted Roberts writes:
We learned a long time ago that someone’s initial commitment to Christ means the work has just begun.3
Yes. We cannot assume that our precious young people are going to necessarily receive healthy input. I also like what T D Jakes says about the need for honesty and openness in the church:
Yes, we all need the Lord to help us with ourselves. We came to Him as condemned buildings, and He reopened the places Satan thought would never be inhabited. The Holy Spirit moved in. But He brought His hammers and His saw with Him.4
That’s right, even our youth who, certainly, have perhaps less to undo in their lives than others among us, have been redeemed out of the kingdom of darkness and into the kingdom of light. The Holy Spirit wants to build kingdom within their sexuality as much as in other areas of their lives. And, as T D Jakes confirms, those of us who have come into the life of the Spirit at a later stage in our lives can see redemption as the Holy Spirit takes up residence and begins to work His work within us.
Now, for many young people, life’s path could well involve a protracted time of celibacy, in which there will be frustrations, a lot of questions, and the need for a listening ear, amongst other means of support. I would like to see churches taking some initiative and helping to prepare their youth in an atmosphere of trust, warmth, and acceptance.
For me, personally, the wait within celibacy has been rather longer than I would have chosen.