One of the major differences between a man and a boy is that a man is willing to live a life of delayed sexual gratification, because he has committed himself to a higher calling.
[TED ROBERTS1]
SEXUAL ACTIVITY DOES not overtake us suddenly, as an “it happened to us” event.
The unexpected does happen in life. Out of the blue, unemployment may arrive on the doorstep; an unimagined sickness requires a change of priorities; a promotion necessitates a move to a new area; God speaks and suddenly life will never be the same again!
Excluding scenarios involving appalling acts such as rape and those involving any kind of abuse, I think it is fair to say that we choose to participate in sexual behavior. We make a choice. If we decide to engage in sexual behavior outside of marriage, we probably made a series of choices that led to the act. You cannot get hit by a bus if you take care to stay on the sidewalk—and, moreover, stay well away from the curb. Edging nearer to the “edge” clearly increases the probability of an error of judgment or a deliberate folly.
For many of our young people today, their social environment is such that they might simply assume that to be sexually active is the most normal, uncontroversial thing in the world. Like, what’s the big deal? Isn’t this how everyone behaves? Why would you even talk about it as if there were a different way to live? It is a sad reflection of how far we have slipped away from God’s designs for us.
The scenario has often been related of a man or woman who ask themselves how they could have ever gotten involved in that affair or become drawn into that sexual fling. Well, it probably started with a smile, followed by a conversation, followed by, perhaps, one or two manipulated meetings to allow for further contact. These things usually happen a long time before any clothes are removed or a hotel room is booked. Several apparently harmless, innocent contacts may actually be paving the way for a serious indiscretion.
Tales of “losing” ones virginity sometimes follow similar lines. The steps toward sexual activity may seem relatively fleeting, but the consequences that follow can last a lot longer. Edwin Louis Cole comments:
The consequence for going the way of the world, the way of lust, is broken trust, perhaps an unwanted pregnancy, and maybe some disease. The benefit of following God’s way, the way of love, is that it will bring blessing, peace and joy to life and honour to God.2
A virgin has not yet become one with—has not yet “known”—a member of the opposite sex. Unless they choose to remain unmarried, we could say that they are in a state of preparation. God would have them mature as people so that when the time comes they are able to play a healthy part in fueling a good marriage, one that includes a healthy sex life.
Needy people sometimes believe that getting married will cure their angst, loneliness, or restlessness. Indeed, it might help; but equally it might exacerbate their sense of isolation or discomfort. Needy people primarily need to grow into fulfilment, and that comes through the touch and activity of Jesus in their lives.
For in Him we live and move and exist, as even some of your own poets have said, “For we also are His children.”
—ACTS 17:28
In Him, all things hold together (Col. 1). Relationships come together and stay together much more readily when both parties have their eyes open to the realities of being in partnership together. It is far better to marry as a whole individual. The idea is for two to become one, not for two halves to become one. Only God can make two out of one! None of us are perfect, but “ones” tend to be more stable than “halves” as they take on the marriage adventure. It is an adventure that is designed to have God as its orchestrator; one that is lived in and through His grace; one in which challenges are faced and met as a team of Him, him, and her.
A VIRGIN?
A virgin man and woman should know that they have something remarkably and uniquely precious to give to their future spouse. As the most dedicated of couriers, they are going to ensure that delivery of this delicate, priceless gift—their own possession—is passed safely and securely to the only recipient it is addressed to.
I am unmarried, and unless I am party to a surprising turn of events over the next weeks and months, I expect that I will finish this book as I started it—as a virgin. Let me add that I am certainly open to surprises from my Father in heaven! Anything from His hands just has to be good news and a blessing. But as things stand now, marriage does not exactly appear to be around the corner of Hawkins Avenue.
FORTY-NINE
I am forty-nine years old. I am sure there is some mistake there! After seeing my picture on the back cover I am sure that you agree that I just cannot be fifty this very year. Additionally, to be this age and a virgin is quite unusual, I have to admit. Or so society would tell me! Furthermore, my virginity might be a source of hilarity to some, incredulity to many, and may be considered worthy of derision or mockery in some quarters. I suppose the notion goes something like this: There must be something wrong with him. Is he a freak? Is he gay?
Well, I am certainly not the latter, am not often accused of being the second, and am sure that God is working on many aspects of the first suggestion!
I remember when I was with a group of young people in Toronto, Canada, that this subject came up. Maybe we were talking about sexual purity; I don’t exactly remember. I was very encouraged, having shared that I was as yet uninitiated in the pleasures of sex, when a young man simply said, “That’s really cool.” There, you see, was someone who got it—someone who could see the value of something very dear and who could appreciate that I was going to look after it and count it worthy of protection.
Each of us has something very precious: our sexuality. No two are alike; each of us is unique. Be careful what you do with yours. Honor it. Keep it safe, and it will keep you safe. It is an extraordinary expression of who you are. It is matchless in its nature and becomes even more amazing as it is knitted with the sexuality of another in marriage.
For me, the lifestyle choice is very simple: I am not married, and so I am not going to have sex unless or until I am married. Period.
It’s not that I don’t want to have sex. You know when the Bible talks about the whole of creation groaning as in birth pains? If you have heard groans and unutterable sighs in the Spirit, there is a good chance that it was me you heard groaning! (Now, how is that for taking a verse out of context?)
Seriously though, my desires are such that I believe that marriage will be part of my life one day. First, I feel that way because my desire is not primarily about sexual acts but something deeper, in the first instance. But for now, I choose—as can we all, whether we be married or single—to live in the flow and life of the Holy Spirit. I am not going to try to manipulate into being intimacy with a woman (that is a ludicrous proposition actually even in its definition) or become involved in a relationship simply to end my celibacy. Apart from the dishonesty of such a move, I just don’t enjoy living outside of the cadence and rest of the Holy Spirit.
This particular virgin does not just want to have sex. He wants to make love, one day, to and with his chosen wife.
The desire to marry does not apply to everyone. There are those who, if they are honest, would rather be single. That does not mean, either, that they are in any way antisocial or introverted, and neither does it make them asexual! There are those who love to be around others and generously give of their time and of themselves and enjoy intimacy through friendships and significant relationships with both men and women. They are still very much complete men and women. It’s just that they do not desire to be united to someone else in marriage. They cannot see that as a lifestyle that they would prefer to pursue.
But many do long for marriage and its myriad expressions of intimacy. Sometimes the wait can seem interminable, as illustrated in the following lady’s testimony:
As a single Christian, I must admit that dating definitely had it’s [sic] challenges. I mean honestly, it seemed like the “men shortage” grew by the thousands everyday [sic]. I was becoming comfortable with the idea that maybe God wanted me to be alone for some unseen reason. Maybe God didn’t make someone for everyone after all, or maybe I had already met that someone and somehow had let him get away. These were all thoughts the enemy had planted in my mind to keep me from finding out the truth.
The truth was . . . God was saving the best for last. He already had someone in mind for me. The love of my life, my other half, my husband. It didn’t matter how many relationships I had failed at in the past or how many relationships I had put before my relationship with Him. He still loved me. He loved me so much that He protected me from all of the wrong ones who crossed my path.
I remember crying myself to sleep one night. I was tired of jumping in and out of meaningless relationships. Relationships which I knew had no substance, no future, and nothing to do with my walk with Christ. I made a promise to God that night. I promised Him that from that point on I would be obedient to His Word. I would put aside my own sinful desires to please Him and I kept my word.
I often wondered how I’d managed to remain celibate for over 3 years. But now I can testify that it was nothing but the Grace of God! . . . there is a reward for your obedience. If you stay focused on your relationship with God, He’ll send you the right one at the right time!3
She ends with this verse:
And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.
—GALATIANS 6:9, ESV
This is worth highlighting: “if we do not give up.” To “do good” is to live our lives in the flow of the Holy Spirit. He promises that such a lifestyle will produce good fruit. This is a good state to be in if you are contemplating marriage.
I think the whole of heaven applauds those who are prepared to wait. I hope that Sonya Somes, whose comments follow below, did not give up:
I know this sounds incredibly lame,
but I don’t want losing my virginity
to feel like I’m losing something.
I want it to feel like I’m finding something.
I want sex to be amazing.
I want it to be life alteringly wonderful.
And I want it to happen with someone I love.4
No, Sonya, I don’t think it sounds even remotely lame. It is refreshing to hear. Sonya does not mention marriage in her comment, but, nevertheless, I appreciate her sentiments and her realization that she has something special to give.
Someone has rather poignantly and sadly described the current world view thus:
We live in a world where losing your phone is more dramatic than losing your virginity.5
THE GIFT
We have already set the ball rolling concerning this notion of losing virginity. Our virginity is something very precious and is ours to give to our chosen spouse.
We do not lose our virginity; we make a gift of it.
I remember as a young boy being in primary school. I would have been between five and seven years old, and I had started collecting stamps. I was hardly a major player in the market, but I had quite a few stamps from all over the world. I even had a Penny Black!
The Penny Black was the first adhesive stamp in a public postal system and was used from 1840. It is more a significant stamp than a rare one. But it was probably one of the most interesting of my collection.
One day at primary school I sold my collection for two pounds. That would be worth around twenty-three pounds today. This brief hobby of mine ended at that moment, and who knows, maybe twenty-three pounds would be a reasonable return for what that stamp album contained. Nevertheless, I have always felt that I sold it cheaply. I didn’t exactly give it away, but I almost had.
Men and women beyond number toss away their virginity, counting it as something of little importance or as an obstacle to be moved out of the way. The media paints the virgin as naïve, as weak, as failing, as lacking in understanding of the sophisticated ways of the world. Popular culture contributes to this behavior, egging the youth on into expressing themselves sexually. Youngsters, as a consequence, have failed to prize their unique gift. They have not assessed its value, have not appreciated the treasure that resides within.
But, you know, youth are fighting back! There are moves across faith groups and outside them to once again champion sexual purity and abstinence from sex outside marriage. It’s not that in abstaining we cease to be sexual. We are sexual beings and will express male and female nature. However, we recognize that sexual intimacy has a treasured place within marriage, and we are not going to trash it.
Our virginity is treasure, not trash.
An article in the Observer newspaper discussing an American initiative says:
The biggest single group of celibates, True Love Waits, founded a decade ago, now has more than 500,000 members. All have signed pledges that they will “save themselves” until marriage, and they flaunt their message across high schools and college campuses. Bumper stickers, T-shirts, posters, scarves and baseball caps carry slogans such as “Stop your urgin’, be a virgin” and “Do your homework, not your girlfriend.”6
On a practical note, Elizabeth Elliot says:
The only safe rule is hands off, clothes on. One thing rapidly leads to another, until one can no longer offer oneself whole and unspoiled to a prospective wife or husband. When one of the opposite sex has been “known,” he or she cannot be “unknown.” A choice has been made. It cannot be unmade.7
What happened to those who fell prey to the “rapidly” scenario? The thief spoke, made his move, planted a suggestion, and then set up a trap, a webbed situation whereby the jewel of virginity was handed over, one which should have been kept for their spouse. Perhaps they were seduced by the prospect of pleasure or their peers’ respect. Maybe it was for attention or for a few moments of rare closeness. Maybe it was through fear of losing a relationship.
If you are a virgin I want to encourage you to prize your state and to reserve it irrevocably for your future spouse. It will be the finest wedding present you could ever give them!
If, on the other hand, you regret having given away your virginity cheaply, I want to encourage you too. Yes, take back your courage! As you place the matter in His hands and turn to Him in it, He will embrace you and bring healing. Remember, Jesus forgives you and justifies you. Your position in Him is that you have never sinned. You have been redeemed. You walk, as Pastor Joseph Prince pictures it, under a constant waterfall of His grace.8 True, you cannot undo the past yourself, but Jesus walks through walls of all descriptions. He can touch you and your life and restore, restore supremely, just as if you had never walked through that particular episode in your life. That is His amazing grace, and if it sounds too good to be true, then that is how deep His love is and how powerful He is.
LOOKING
If you, like me, are a virgin, you will be discovering that what you do with your eyes is very important. I’m talking about your physical eyes and those of your heart.
People who are hungry and thirsty look for food and water. People who are hungry for love look for it too. When we are single and would love to experience more intimacy and physical touch in our lives, we have to be wise to the opportunities and to the threats.
At this point I want to say that our wonderful Jesus knows exactly where each of us are on our life’s journey. There is nothing wrong with His eyesight! He sees you and me. He knows every step you have taken and is acutely aware of every longing of your heart. He has given us eyes, external and internal ones, and we need to ask for His help in seeing what He is seeing at this stage in our lives. God is never out of step with His purposes for us, though we may be from time to time. This may happen when we grow impatient and decide that we can do a more efficient job of managing the course of our lives than Him! We can all fall into that trap. Biblical figures also did. Remember how Saul failed to wait for the prophet Samuel and went ahead under his own steam to make a sacrifice, something which he had specifically been instructed not to do (1 Sam. 13)? Remember Abram, who grew weary of God’s promise concerning his destiny and slept with his maidservant, Hagar (Gen. 16)? Remember how impetuous the disciples could be and how they tended not to follow Jesus’ way of going about His Father’s business? (Luke 9:54 is a good example.)
A single touch or word from Him can instantly transform a frustrating situation into a promising one. It can happen in any arena of our lives, and if you have been waiting for some shift or movement in the area of relationships, please encourage yourself with what God has done in other areas of your life. He does know what he is doing and what He is building in you. What He builds will last. Time worries us a lot more than it does Him!
DEEP DOWN
I remember, not so long ago, that I was looking to buy a house. Yes, we look to do things, don’t we? Exactly that. We see a situation in our mind’s eye that we would like to further and take action on, or a series of actions, in order to try and bring it about. It is one way in which we see.
You see, I had sold my apartment and was looking to buy a two-bedroom house. I knew that the Lord had shown me to sell the flat (as we call them in England). The thought came to me one morning, out of the blue, and as I prayed and pursued the course of action, I had received an appropriate offer within a month. The doors just opened, and I kept walking!
All I needed to do next was to find a two-bedroom house, and my move would be complete. If only it had been that simple!
In short, I hit a brick wall. I went to see properties. I made appointments. I viewed houses in this district and in that one. I found at least three or four perfectly viable places. But on two occasions, having placed offers on those properties, I completely lost my peace. I was in turmoil. It was maddening! “What’s wrong with me?” I wondered. It was also highly frustrating for my dear parents, who had graciously agreed to put me up (or was it “put up with me”?) while I was seeking out a new place to live.
One day, in desperation, I literally got down on my face before God. I can see myself doing that right now, laying on the floor in my childhood bedroom at my parents’ home. It wasn’t the first time I had done that. Other carpet times have followed, and I’m sure many more will follow! I threw myself on the Lord. I just couldn’t understand what was going on. And then a thought came to me:
You don’t really want to buy a house now, not on your own. You would prefer to buy a house with a wife.
As I, how shall I put it, heard myself think this, I knew it was true. It was amazing. The release was instant. On one level I was pursuing a course of action that I thought I wanted, or that I believed was the next step, but on a deeper level I was walking against the tide of my own heart’s desire. I had been battling this issue for about nine months. I decided to rent instead. How long do you think it took to find a place to rent?
It took me forty-five minutes! And the landlord gave me a special offer on the monthly rental. Moreover, the apartment was located in a completely different area to the locality I had been looking in.
Sometimes we assume that we know what we want. He who holds us in the palm of His hand knows better.
When you are single it is very easy to be convinced that you want to be married. You want companionship. You want someone to go places with, to host friends with at home. You would perhaps like a family, and—yes—maybe some sex would be nice. (Yes, it would.) “A warm, intimate marriage is just what I’m looking for,” we tell ourselves.
I would like to suggest that God really sees and understands those desires. He also highly prizes our sexual purity, and the Holy Spirit does not waste a moment or a circumstance.
Some singles need to come into a place of Rest. I used the capital R because His Rest is not quite the same as the typical, human rest. Our own understanding of rest suggests inactivity and downing tools. His Rest may be either, or both. The key with His Rest is to live from a place of trusting Him and remaining in His peace. We yield our agenda to His and live in step with Him.
There will be singles who desire to meet someone special but do not have many like-minded people of the opposite sex in their social circle or in their church family. Others may feel that there are a lack of “candidates” (not the best word but you see what I mean) in their particular age group.
Both the girl and boy being Christians may not be enough, as far as faith is concerned. That’s a great start, but God has called us to live in the Holy Spirit, to allow Him to express Himself through us and our lives. Both girl and boy may be saved and filled with the Holy Spirit, but this does not mean that they are going to make a good couple. What is God doing in their lives? How is He moving and leading them both? If one has a pastor’s heart and a desire to fuel faith in the United States and the other longs to hold orphans in Eastern Europe, serious consideration needs to be given to these desires and leadings.
Some young people will have been encouraged to date, and others will have been steered clear of dating. I can see both sides, to be honest. I have found dating helpful, but actually it has been more so because my dating experience has shown me that my own efforts to find my partner tend to arise from striving and have not really flowed from His Rest. I find my singleness a smoother path as I walk in the Spirit, and my relationships blossom on all kinds of levels.
This is what Jesus says about life lived in the life of the Spirit:
For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.
—MATTHEW 11:30
Or, put another way:
Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.
— MATTHEW 11:28–30, THE MESSAGE
We have just read, “You’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” We need to explore this, because due to our spiritual state at birth, we have as much to unlearn as to learn, in many respects.
LOVE AND MARRIAGE
“Wisdom” from the Mouths of Children9
Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife.
—TOM, AGE 5
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
—MIKE, 10
It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble.
—KENNY, AGE 7
A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases together.
—MARLON, AGE 10
Love is foolish . . . but I still might try it sometime.
—FLOYD, AGE 9
I know one reason kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn’t always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses.
—GINA, AGE 8
It isn’t always how you look. Look at me. I’m handsome like anything, and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet.
—BRIAN, AGE 7
It’s love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it’s just like how their hearts are—on fire.
—CHRISTINE, AGE 9
No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
—KIRSTEN, AGE 10
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!
—RICKY, AGE 7
Don’t say you love somebody and then change your mind. Love isn’t like picking what movie you want to watch.
—NATALIE, AGE 9
(on seeing a couple kissing) He is trying to steal her chewing gum!
—BOY, AGE 6
Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than once to find a live one.
—ANGIE, AGE 10
My mother says to look for a man who is kind. That’s what I’ll do. I’ll find somebody who’s kinda tall and handsome.
—CAROLYN, AGE 8