SUSAN AND ROBERT put down their drinks, startled.
Lisa stood over Susan. “The second I saw you with this asshole”—she pointed at Pappas—“I figured out who you really are. Why did you lie to me?”
Susan’s throat tightened and she felt like she couldn’t breathe. She wanted to tell Lisa everything. But she couldn’t, not yet. What if the necklace came back negative for Amy’s DNA? How could she tell Lisa there was a chance her brother might be freed, and then have it not happen? That would be sheer torture for Lisa.
“I’m sorry,” Susan mumbled.
Lisa’s eyes narrowed with disgust. “Sorry? What the hell were you up to yesterday?”
Robert tried to interrupt. “Ms. Jansen—”
Lisa turned on him, furious. “You shut up. You’re the scumbag who forced a false confession from my brother.” Then she turned back to Susan. “In the coffee shop. Why were you asking me all those questions? It was like you were interrogating me.”
Susan shook her head, unable to think of what to say.
“It’s because you have doubts about my brother’s guilt. Don’t you?”
Susan still didn’t answer. She wasn’t ready. She pictured the whole mess she’d be causing if she said yes right now. Lisa would tell the reporters. She’d tell lawyers. Who knew what would happen then?
She needed solid proof Danny had committed murder before she accused him to the whole world. Because what if he was innocent?
“You have to tell the cops!” Lisa said, pleading now. “Curt is gonna die!”
All around them people were watching. The band was taking a break, so Susan and Lisa were the entertainment now.
“I’m sorry, Lisa,” Susan said.
Lisa’s eyes bored into her. “You just don’t give a shit, do you? Fuck you.” She turned to Pappas. “And fuck you too.”
With one quick motion she swept their two mugs of beer off the table. They crashed to the floor, glass breaking and beer flying.
Robert jumped up to protect Susan, but Lisa walked away. At the front door of the bar she looked back at them with loathing. Then she stalked out.
Robert asked Susan, “You okay?”
Susan looked at the messy floor. Robert sat back down. “You didn’t want to tell her?”
“What if it all turns out to be a big nothing?” Susan said. “What if they don’t find any DNA? Or they find Curt’s DNA.”
Robert frowned. “You think Curt and Danny were in on it together somehow?”
Susan grabbed at her hair. “I don’t know what I think!”
Their waitress came over with a busboy, who carried a mop and broom. “Had a little excitement here, huh? We’ll clean that up for ya.”
As the busboy started mopping, Susan said to Robert, “Let’s just get the DNA results. Then we’ll know what to do.”
The bar no longer felt like a safe, warm place, so Robert paid up and they walked out. “Now where?” he said.
She had been dreading this moment. She’d have to go sleep in the bus station—if it was open. No way she would ask Robert to pay for a hotel room for her.
“I should get my suitcase out of your trunk.”
“I’ll find somewhere. No worries.”
“Don’t be silly. I’ll get you a room.”
“You really don’t have to do that—”
He waved off her protest. “You can pay me back later. We’ll go back to the Econo Lodge. Now that Lisa knows who you are, there’s no point in hiding from her.”
They headed for the hotel, where they walked up to the front desk. They didn’t see Lisa, but there were several people nearby in their thirties and forties—men in khakis and women in business suits—who looked like out-of-town media people. Susan hoped they wouldn’t recognize her.
“Hi, I’m looking for a room for my friend here,” Robert told the desk clerk, a middle-aged woman with a worried expression.
“I’m afraid we don’t have any vacancies,” the clerk said.
“You must have a room somewhere,” Robert cajoled. He gestured toward Susan and said quietly, “This is Susan Lentigo. She’s the mother of the little girl who was killed.”
Susan looked around, afraid some reporter had heard and would start asking her questions.
The clerk’s brow furrowed and she looked even more worried. “I’m sorry, but between all the reporters and TV people and protesters—”
“Ms. Lentigo has had a very difficult week. She needs a good night’s sleep before the execution.”
“I’d like to help you. I just can’t.”
Robert shook his head, frustrated. “Fine. What’s the name of that other hotel, on Clark Street?”
“The Clark Street Hotel.” Susan wondered if the clerk was messing with Robert, but decided this woman was too nervous to be telling jokes. “But they’re booked up too.”
“Okay, what other hotels should we try?”
“There’s only two others in town, and they’re both full.” She tugged at her ear. “You could maybe look for an Airbnb, but it’s kind of late.”
Robert and Susan walked away from the desk. She sensed what he would say next even before he said it. She felt her shoulders bunch up with anxiety. But she also felt a thrill in her chest that she hadn’t felt for a long, long time.
He said, “You know, you could stay in my room. There’s an extra twin bed.”
“Okay, thanks,” she said, before she even knew she was going to say it.
His room was up on the third floor. He offered her the bathroom first.
“You may regret that,” she said. “I plan on spending about two hours in the shower.”
“Consider me warned.”
As soon as the water hit her body, Susan felt her whole self relax. She washed her hair three different times with the hotel’s two little bottles of shampoo and threw on every ounce of conditioner too. She scrubbed herself vigorously with something called “body wash,” which she hoped would work as well as regular soap.
It wasn’t until she was toweling herself off afterwards that reality hit her again. She might be clean and fresh-smelling, but there was still a good chance tomorrow would be one of the worst days of her life.
Not including twenty years ago.
She had brought along a flannel nightgown, but she didn’t want to wear it tonight. It felt too personal, wearing a nightgown while sleeping in the same room with a man she barely knew. So she put on fresh jeans and a T-shirt. After that she took off the ring she’d worn all these years and stashed it in the bottom of a suitcase pocket. She’d decide later if she wanted to sell it or throw it away. Then she came out of the bathroom.
“You were right. That was about two hours,” Robert said.
“Told you so.”
He went in the bathroom and closed the door behind him, just as Susan’s phone rang. She picked it up. It was her mother.
She thought about not answering, but she knew her mom would be upset. And she’d call back another ten times until Susan finally answered. So she hit the talk button and said, “Hi, Mom.”
“Susan, where are you?”
For a second she thought about telling her mom she was in a man’s bedroom, just to see how she’d react. “I’m in Hodge Hills. Everything’s good.”
“You’re not having any more crazy thoughts about Danny, are you?”
“No more crazy thoughts, no.”
“Good.” Susan heard her mom sigh with relief. “You’re too sensible for that.”
“I’m sensible, alright. How’s Rumples doing? Does he miss me?”
“He meowed half the night last night. You sure you’re okay?”
“I’m fine, Mom.”
“Did you find a nice hotel room?”
“Yeah, it’s comfortable.”
“How much did it cost?”
“It was pretty cheap, actually.”
“Good.” There was a pause, then her mom said, “I was thinking. You know how people always say, ‘Give so-and-so my love’?”
“Sure.”
“Well, if you get a chance to talk to Curt Jansen, please give him my hate.”
“Will do,” Susan said.
She finally got off the phone. She wanted to get into bed, but there was one more call she had to make. To the only other person besides Robert that she trusted.
She dialed the number and almost immediately Kyra came on the line, like she’d been waiting for this call. “What’s up?” she said.
“Agent Pappas is on board.”
“Fuck yes! I knew you could do it.”
“We’re supposed to hear from the lab around noon.”
“And they’re planning to kill the guy at five thirty, right?”
“Right, so that should give us enough time.”
“Damn. You’re like a superhero, you know that?”
Susan laughed. “Thanks, Kyra.”
Just then Robert opened the door from the bathroom and came back in. He was wearing blue flannel pajamas. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d seen a man in pajamas. He had a little pot belly, but it wasn’t too bad—
Kyra broke in. “Promise you’ll tell me as soon as you hear.”
“You got it, Kyra.”
“Okay, cool. Break a leg.”
“Thanks.”
Susan hung up the phone. Robert was shutting the window curtains. “Who was that, your crime partner?” he asked.
“I’ll never tell.”
“You know, you guys are lucky Danny didn’t kill you.”
“He’s lucky I didn’t kill him. I sure as hell wanted to.”
“He deserved it.”
She looked up at him from the bed. “So you really think he did it?”
He pursed his lips. “If I had to bet, I’d say yeah.”
Susan felt the darkness descend on her again. She said, “It always comes down to the same thing.”
“What’s that?”
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “How could I not have known?” She opened them again. “How did I not know?”
Robert sat down on the bed beside her. He said softly, “What Danny did to Amy … It’s not your fault.”
She wasn’t so sure she believed him. She bowed her head in pain.
He said, “Look, I’m supposed to be a hotshot FBI agent, but he fooled me too, just like he fooled you. Now we’re doing everything we can to stop him. That’s all that matters.”
Susan found herself fighting back tears. She felt so terrible, but she also felt the warmth of this man’s body through his pajamas. It was bewildering.
Then Robert put his arm around her, and everything inside her froze solid.
She looked over at him. His face was so close. His whole body was so close.
She said haltingly, “I’m not really up for anything.”
Robert’s face reddened with confusion and embarrassment. Instantly she was pretty sure she’d misjudged his intentions, and she got embarrassed herself.
He moved his arm away and stood up, giving her a forced smile. “Just being friendly, ma’am. I’m not up for anything either.”
“I’m sorry, I thought—”
“It’s all good.” He got into the other bed.
She said, “I’m not used to men touching me just to be friendly. Danny never used to do that.”
As soon as she said it, she felt pathetic. Why was she being so open with this man?
And it wasn’t really true that Danny never touched her. She remembered how he used to comfort her after Amy went missing.
But maybe that was just to hide the truth about what he’d done.
“Good night,” Robert said from the other bed as he pulled up the blanket.
“Good night,” Susan said, still embarrassed. He turned off the light, and she lay in bed and looked at the dark ceiling.
She felt stupid that she had never made love with anybody in her whole life besides Danny. For so many years now, she’d hardly ever even touched a man, aside from handshakes or bodies accidentally brushing against each other. What had she missed?
She had loved being the object of Danny’s desire. She enjoyed the feeling of him on top of her, his urgency increasing until he exploded.
But she had never really felt that same explosion herself. Not when she was with him anyway. She only felt it when she took care of herself, which she used to do when she was a teenager but less frequently after she got married. She felt like she was cheating on Danny when she did it.
After Danny left, when men got interested in her, she had been flattered but never really went for it. She put it down to just being older, or not being built that way anymore, or still grieving for her old life.
But now, after everything she had learned and remembered during these past few days, she wondered if her inability to feel attracted to men had a different cause.
Maybe Danny had been a psychopath and on some level she knew it. So she was just too scared to trust any man at all.
She listened to Robert’s breathing. It was so strange, the two of them together but in separate beds, listening to each other. Then his breathing changed and she sensed he was asleep.
Lying there, she tried to quiet her thoughts. She badly needed a good night’s sleep herself. She hadn’t had one for a week, and tomorrow she’d need every last bit of strength.
But images kept running through her head, ruthless and unstoppable:
Lisa offering half of her sandwich.
A photograph Susan saw on the internet once, of a man strapped down in the execution chamber about to die.
Danny playing basketball with Amy and lifting her high.
Having sex with Danny and looking up at him.
Thinking about Danny, her heart started thumping so badly she worried she might be having a heart attack. Then, out of nowhere, she had an image of Robert. Sitting beside her on the bed, putting his arm around her …
She focused on the feeling of Robert’s arm and his reassuring tone of voice, and she started to calm down. Her breathing slowed.
Eventually, she found herself in an apple orchard, on an autumn morning. The trees were full of red and yellow leaves and the apples were fat and luscious. Then she saw Amy through the trees.
Amy running toward her, laughing, holding up a shiny red apple with a big crease in the middle, like two apples joined together. “Mommy, look!” she calls. “Doesn’t this look like a heart?”
Susan smiles and holds her arms open wide for her daughter.
Amy runs closer. Still laughing, but coming slower now, slower … Her body jerks. Her joyful smile twists and turns creepy. She pitches forward and drops the apple. It bursts open, spilling thick liquid the color of blood. The redness covers her terrified face and neck—
Susan woke up and jerked upright in bed, gasping.
“Fuck,” she said, and was taken aback to realize she’d said it out loud. She listened; Robert was still asleep, his breathing unchanged.
She was so jealous. She felt like she’d never get back to sleep. How am I gonna make it through tonight alone?
Then she stood up. She walked over to Robert’s bed and looked down at him. Am I really going to do this?
It was a single bed, but he was lying on the other side of it. That made it easier for her. She gently lowered herself onto the bed and, lying on her side, put her head on his chest.
She immediately felt incredibly self-conscious. Oh God, what if he pushes me away?
She felt a change in his breathing and sensed he was awake now. She was terrified.
He shifted his body a little. Then she felt his arm come around her shoulder and hold her.
Her fear left her, and before she knew it, within seconds maybe, she was asleep.
The next morning, they were both still lying in that same position when a loud, harsh ring from the hotel phone woke them up.