Who You Are In Truth
“Waves are not separate from the Ocean, rays are not separate from the Sun, you are not separate from Existence-Consciousness-Bliss. This is a reflection of That.” ~ Sri H.W.L. Poonja
“The first peace, which is the most important, is that which comes within the souls of people when they realize their relationship, their Oneness with the universe and all its powers, and they realize that at the center of the universe dwells the Great Spirit, and that this center is really everywhere, it is within each of us.” ~ Black Elk (Sioux)
In the last chapter, we saw how we create our little ‘s’ selves — our ego identities — comprising a collection of beliefs about our innate guilt and many flaws. But the truth of who we are is the big ‘S’ or Higher Self, that has always been there, will always be there, and simply waits to be noticed and claimed. Every mystical tradition throughout the ages has a very similar understanding of this ‘Self’ as the primordial energy that is connected to everyone and everything else. This Self is eternal and can never be destroyed. This is our spirit Self. It could be said that this Self is the Essence of Love.
This chapter will look at the implications for our experience of ‘happiness’, our experience in our daily life, when we accept that Oneness is the Truth of our being. Happiness does not depend on ‘understanding’ Oneness because it cannot be understood, there is no one outside of this Oneness to do the understanding. It does depend on the acceptance of the possibility of Oneness. We can learn to think, behave, and relate as if that possibility has become reality for us. The foundation of the idea of Oneness is that Self/God/Brahman is indivisible, and we are an integral part of that unified entity. This is the concept known as “nonduality.” Nonduality is the philosophical, spiritual, and scientific understanding of non-separation and fundamental intrinsic Oneness. The major mainstream religions tend to appear to espouse duality: God is an all-powerful ‘other’ and humans are separate, lesser beings. The contrasts of Oneness versus duality are enormous, with acceptance of the idea of Oneness potentially leading to a dramatically more joyful mindset. Nonduality underlies the Choose Again Six-Step Process.
Scientifically, it is easy for us to understand the concept of Oneness in terms of the building blocks of all matter — we are made up of combinations of atoms and molecules just like everyone and everything else. We are made up of protons, neutrons and electrons vibrating in space. In this sense we are naturally a part of everything always. As Erwin Schroedinger noted, “Quantum physics reveals a basic Oneness of the universe.”
Within the concept of Oneness we are whole and complete. Within the concept of Oneness there is only Isness, which does not allow for good or evil, right or wrong, no cause for sadness or loss. Within this Truth there’s no suffering. This is where we can find our true, unchallenged Joy, by learning to access the magnificence of our higher Selves, by learning to release our attachment to the ego self. Remember, that small self is nothing more than a set of false beliefs we hold about ourselves.
Earlier I talked about my experience of Oneness when I was a young man, awakening in the middle of the night with a vision of limitless black, crystal-clear space. Words cannot describe the extraordinary peace I felt. If you yourself have ever experienced it, you know exactly what I’m talking about. It’s my belief that every one of us has experienced this, if only for a split second: a moment without even a hint of judgment is an experience of Oneness.
Breathing into Oneness
Awareness of Oneness is one of the frequently reported experiences induced by Holotropic Breathwork, a therapeutic technique that is part of the Choose Again methodology.
One of the Choose Again counselors, Ted, explained that his experience during one Holotropic Breathing session confirmed for him that there exists a state of bliss beyond our usual everyday experience, but available to us as a true expression of who we are.
“I had an experience of transcendence, to a state of mind not possible in everyday life. It stopped me from arguing and discussing the premise of Oneness used by Choose Again — it was a turning point — I simply couldn’t argue with it anymore. I entered a realm of pure light, of which the essence was Love. The intensity was so strong that I couldn’t stand it. It may only have lasted a few seconds, but I longed to go back there. It was impossible to be in that state while retaining a separate ego. My longing to go back has turned into deep gratitude for the experience, which was such a gift, rather than lamenting that I am not in that space all the time.”
Another client of mine was an older man who was having some issues at work. A Texas oilman from Houston, he was a tough businessman, hard-working and driven to succeed. He couldn’t begin to relate to the spiritual aspect of our methodology at all. He was completely against the whole idea of God and while he wanted and needed help, he was very clear in his own mind about the nature of the universe and his place in it. He told me, bluntly: “I’m not into your woo-woo spirituality and don’t even talk to me about God. I’ve never had a belief in God and that’s not going to change anytime soon.”
My answer to him was, “Well then, we can stop the session, or I could suggest a different process. Would you be interested in that?” Since the gentleman had travelled a long way to meet with me, he said, “Okay, sure.” So I told him about Holotropic Breathwork and he agreed to try it. He breathed with a machine-like energy; he breathed and breathed and breathed and nothing was happening. After about 45 minutes of incredibly consistent and hard breathing it occurred to me that possibly, this process too would not benefit him. Then suddenly the tears came. He ended up on the floor, sobbing convulsively on his hands and knees.
This was early in my career and I made the mistake of thinking that I recognized what happened to him, so I said: “It would seem that a lot of sadness came up for you.” He turned to me and he said, “Sadness? Hell no, I was with God!” So there he was, merged with the Oneness, the totality, God — whatever you want to call it. This changed his life, giving him an insight into his own spiritual world and a deep sense of purpose.
When a family with a fourteen-year-old autistic girl visited the center, her mother expressed concern about whether it would be wise for her daughter to participate in a Holotropic Breathing session. I confirmed that we would keep a close eye on her, as we always do, and that she would be safe. She started her breathing and within just a few minutes, she ran out of the room. I followed her, sat on the steps outside and asked her what happened. She said: “I am really, really scared!”
“What is the fear, can you tell me?” I asked.
“I was going far, far away,” she replied, “and I was afraid I would never be able to get back.”
“Where did you go?”
“I went far away, way past the galaxies.”
I am convinced that she experienced a moment of true enlightenment. “Way past the galaxies” isn’t that another way of saying “Oneness,” isn’t that an experience of being joined with All?
If we are lucky enough to have an experience in which we become aware of the Oneness that surrounds us, even for a brief time, it’s extremely helpful in keeping us in touch with the possibility of finding relief from relentless ego thoughts. The memory provides us with a gentle reminder of our goal — that of achieving lasting peace and stillness.
My Worth is Intrinsic
“The logic of worldly success rests on a fallacy: the strange error that our perfection depends on the thoughts and opinions and applause of other men!” ~ Thomas Merton
Each of us is part of Oneness, and thus it follows that each of us has intrinsic worth. In other words, our worth is established by God — not by our education, work ethic, status, or wealth. Accepting the mere possibility of this premise being true is absolutely essential to our mental health and happiness. It is also crucial to the successful processing of powerfully negative beliefs. We simply cannot be flawed, less than, or bad if our worth is intrinsic, unchangeable, and non-negotiable. This concept leaves no room for self-imposed guilt, shame and self-doubt, and provides a rock-solid concept of self.
The person who holds the record for the shortest stay at the El Cielo Center is an accountant with a busy international practice, whose stress level was extremely high when he arrived. His takeaway after only two sessions was: “My worth is intrinsic.” That understanding allowed him to achieve even greater levels of success in his career in a relaxed and easy way. Previously he had been driven by a deeply held belief in his unworthiness. This belief had pushed him to amplified levels of apparent success in order to hide the “truth” of who he was from himself and everyone else. He had felt himself to be a fraud all of his life.
Does this sound familiar?
After absorbing this idea, his clear understanding that he had no need to prove himself to anyone gave him tremendous freedom to transform his work life, from being characterized by exhausted frustration to enjoyment, in which he could freely give and receive. All the energy that had previously gone into striving was now freed up and transformed into truly creative energy.
The Truth is that our worth is established by God. No one and nothing can ever change that, no matter who we think we are, no matter what we do or don’t do. It is this Eternal Self that we return to when we do this work. The Six-Step Process will help you completely transform your being by reconnecting to that Truth of who you really are. In so doing, you shift gradually and lovingly from an ego-based, fear-based existence, to being heart-centered and love-based — your true Self. You are able to understand, from a place of deep confidence, that whatever is happening to you is happening for you. Your perception of all challenges and difficulties will thus be transformed.
I compare my real Self to a loving GPS which tells me, “At the next turn, make a right.” If I don’t make a right, ‘Self’ doesn’t then say — as the ego would — ”You stupid jerk, I told you to make a right! Now you’re on your own!” Instead, it recalculates the route ahead and repeats, “At the next turn make a right.” No matter how long I ignore it, the loving GPS of Self will recalculate and tell me the next best move to make — which might include a U-turn.
Of the people who come to our center, probably 99 percent are not even aware that they have a spiritual GPS. They’re completely and totally reliant on that other, more dominant guidance system: the ego. The ego is a belief system based on the idea that something is wrong with you. The ego is the belief that you’re bad, not lovable, depressed and deprived, and separate from everything around you. All these ideas are false directions to follow, but I sure did for fifty years.
“There is no such thing as a person. There are only restrictions and limitations. The sum total of these defines the person. The person merely appears to be, like the space within the pot appears to have the shape and volume and smell of the pot.”
~ Nisargadatta
Separation of the Ego
Now that we have looked at who we are in Truth, let’s focus on why we feel separate from others and from Oneness. We must have done something terribly wrong to be excluded, to be kicked out of God’s club, as it were. The horrible thing is, we don’t have a clue about what we did wrong — and yet we all walk around with a chronic, low-grade sense of guilt. When this low-grade feeling of gnawing guilt gets to be so all pervasive it affects our work, our sleep, and our relationships, we might visit a doctor or a
psychiatrist, whereupon that condition is diagnosed by any number of labels and we are offered medication.
The archetypal myth of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, eating the forbidden fruit, can be interpreted as a parable about mankind’s split from God, or Oneness. Prior to eating the fruit, Adam and Eve existed blissfully as part of Oneness. The “bad apple” grew not just on any apple tree but on the “Tree of Knowledge.” With that one bite, we lost Knowing Oneness, and started pursuing the world’s kind of knowledge. We began naming and classifying and establishing the differences of everything, especially the difference of self and “other.”
Can you imagine what your world would look like if you did not ‘see’ other? By seeing other I mean experiencing separation at a variety of levels. With that bite of the apple also came sexual shame, a fundamental experience of “other,” symbolized by a fig leaf.
Each of us develops and nourishes our own specific ‘reasons’ for feeling guilty, but underlying it all is the sense that we no longer feel connected to God at the primal level. In my case, guilt associated with my mother and the camps provided me with plenty of early evidence of my wrongness.
Loss and suffering, mourning, sadness, and anger, all the feelings that seem to make up the human condition, derive from the fundamental belief “I am separate.” But where do these thoughts and feelings come from — these thoughts that separate us from Oneness? We choose them based on who we think we are — but again, who we think we are is not who we really are in Truth.
The Truth of Our Innocence
While the common denominator of the ego-self that we all make up is guilt, the common denominator of our true Self is innocence. When I introduce this concept at workshops, people are shocked. It is a wildly radical idea, this unchangeable innocence. And it brings up a fascinating array of confessions:
• “How can I possibly be innocent? I stole money from my partner to buy my next hit of cocaine. This man trusted me with our company account. I’m guilty!”
• “I cheated on my husband, how could I possibly be innocent?”
• “If you knew how I make a living, you would know how ridiculous that idea of ‘innocence’ is.”
Let me explain: We can’t be guilty in Truth, because we are an integral part of Oneness. Since we think we are on this little planet and clearly no longer part of this mystical Oneness, we must have done something to be kicked out. Whatever it is, we think we did something wrong. To sustain that belief, we have to attract evidence or the belief withers. So we will set out to prove the validity of our belief in guilt by stealing money, procrastinating, cheating, lying, or any other form our belief in guilt might choose to take.
The “I” who tries to get others to agree that guilt is real is an “I” that we made up — a set of beliefs that could never be True. It has nothing to do with the unchangeable Self we are. Who we are in Truth is not affected at all by our perceived guilt, nor by our ‘guilty’ behavior.
Someone who has fully integrated this teaching would not react emotionally to having money stolen, being called names, or being betrayed or cheated on. This person might have an initial reaction or upset, but it would soon be welcomed as a healing opportunity and processed. Peace would quickly be regained.
The more committed we are to knowing who we truly are, the shorter an upset is likely to last. That is because a trained individual is committed to seeing the innocence of self and others at all times. She is committed to seeing the Truth of each of us, and not to believe the guilty story we bring to the table. She can see our innocence, and know that our behavior is merely a reflection of who we think we are.
I call this “holding the space” and it is the key to success in a healing relationship. Many years ago, our healing center was not set up the way it is now and security was not foremost on our minds. One morning a staff member knocked on my bedroom door to report that we had been robbed — and not just robbed, for the entire safe had been pried off its concrete base and removed. My response? “Oh, well.” (I actually don’t remember saying that, but the staff member repeated it often as an example how an upset is not an upset till we decide it is.)
If I refuse to buy into your story, if I am not seeing you as your behavior, if I refuse to allow that who you are is a changeable, small, weak, victim, ego self, then I will not reflect your guilt back to you and you will have the space required to come back to who you are in Truth. If I remember the Truth of you, then in that reflection you are helped to recognize the Truth of yourself. If you see me not reacting, not even being affected by your story or behavior, you will be reminded of your own innocence. Then you have an opportunity to stop pursuing evidence for old mistaken beliefs.
A business partner whose company funds were misused to support a cocaine habit may well be upset that his money has been stolen — but this upset has nothing to do with what happened. The upset was chosen by an old belief that the world is not safe, that he is not loved, or that he’s doomed to be a victim. What is so fascinating is that when we get to work on processing upsets like these, we invariably find that somehow, at an unconscious level, the partner actually chose the cocaine user as a partner in order to collect evidence for his own beliefs. There were early warning signs. They are in this dance together.
Similarly, a husband whose wife cheats on him may have subconsciously chosen that wife in order to replay an ancient hurt and deliver evidence for his beliefs that he is unlovable, a victim, or that he can be abandoned.
You can see why I am so inspired to work with an entire family. Members of a family can start to see the patterns of family behavior, as well as the roles they play within that system. Beliefs run in the family, as it were. And the whole family needs to heal their beliefs if they want to be loving and functional. Often, the parent of a child with substance abuse issues will help that child enormously just by working on themselves. Achieving acceptance of their own innocence can be the key to healing their child’s addictions. When the child ceases to be evidence for the parents’ beliefs that they are bad, not good enough, or guilty, then the child is free to start healing his own mistaken beliefs. It is almost as if the parent has made a deal with his child: “I need you to be an addict (or drop out of school, or hang out with the wrong crowd) so I get to be right that I am a bad father!” Insane? Of course, and yet all parents play this out at some level. The bottom line is that guilt in Truth is not an option.
That said, seeing the innocence of an abusive parent can be difficult.
A 42-year-old with terminal cancers of the ovaries, uterus, and pelvis came to see me. What came out in the course of our time together was that she had been sexually abused by her father, brother, and uncles. Virtually every male in her life had abused her, with her father having been the main culprit. Not surprisingly, she was absolutely consumed with hatred for all of these men, her father in particular.
After listening lovingly to her story, I began to introduce to her the teachings we’ve discussed above. Yes, awful things had happened, but they had happened to her body. Her suffering was a direct result how what had happened had been interpreted by her and society. Awful things did happen to her body and as long as she only saw herself as a body, her suffering would go on unabated. There is no problem imaginable, no suffering possible that does not have its roots in body identification. She was not yet prepared to allow her anger to ease just a little, so that she might see that there was another way to reflect on her horrendous past. By the third session, when I realized that she was not prepared to shift her interpretation of the past; I tried another tack. I said to her, “Can you say, ‘My father’s innocent and I love him”? She exploded, replying “Haven’t you heard a word I’ve said? That bastard should rot in jail and I will do whatever I can to make sure that happens!”
To this I answered, “I did hear that.” And then I restated the question: “Can you say, ‘My father’s innocent and I love him’?” Same violent reaction. Then I asked: “What would it cost you to say, ‘My father’s innocent’?”
Without missing a beat, she replied, “It would cost me myself.”
Precisely! The victim self she had made up was the only self she knew. She wasn’t ready to relinquish that identity. She had spent years going to incest victim support groups where her unhappy identity was not only welcomed and justified, but actively reinforced. She was not willing at that point to allow the reality that she had a capital “S” Self, abiding and eternal, which nothing could harm and which was not affected by any of the events of her life. She was addicted to being a victim, and habituated to the anger, depression, and hopelessness that came from that identity.
You might say: “She had every reason to be angry; furious in fact.” That would be right. However, our work utilizes a simple question that the ego hates: “Do I want to be right — that all the evidence of my stories corroborates that I am indeed a victim — or do I want to be happy knowing that my True Self cannot be a victim?” That is the one question I ask myself every time I’m tempted to see myself as unfairly treated, not supported, or betrayed. Clearly “being right” can give the illusion of happiness, an illusion of superiority or strength, but that doesn’t last.
To begin healing we must be willing to say: “I must be wrong because I am not happy.” With this realization, we have made a real start at reversing cause and effect. The cause is within and the effect is seen as outside.
Remembering who we are
The True Self is Oneness, God, Love; it is all we are. Ego is the thought that we are always alone, the thought that we are not attractive, the thought that we will always be alone.... one thought like this after another. The ego is only a thought, a thought of separation. Therefore, it doesn’t exist because in essence, there’s no such thing as separation. However, if we don’t learn that there’s no such thing as separation, then the only voice we will ever hear is the voice of the ego. We will never hear another voice, because the voice of the loving Self does not overrule the ego; it doesn’t even argue with it. It just waits. It waits for us to say, “The crap my ego feeds me day in and day out doesn’t work for me anymore. There has to be another way.”
In order to remember who I am and always have been, I use a radical form of forgiveness. But the forgiveness I am referring to has nothing to do with what anyone may have done to me or what I may have done to anyone else. The forgiveness I practice has to do with transforming my core beliefs about myself and who I am in the world. It’s about rethinking and then rectifying the idea that I could be separate from the rest of existence; the idea that I could be hurt; the idea that I could be alone; the idea that I could be vulnerable; the idea that I could be merely a body; and, most of all, the idea that I could be guilty.
Not one of these ideas has any truth in it. In Truth, you and I are one with all of Creation at all times, in fact, outside of time. We are not separate or alone, and when we apply the transformative power of forgiveness, we forgive ourselves for believing in separation. Who we are in Truth is unchanged and unchangeable, who we are in Truth is eternal and infinite.
Given that love is the essence of our True being, it follows that loving thoughts come from our true Self. Fear-based thoughts come from the ego. Once we recognize this, we are able to monitor our thoughts and intercept the ones that don’t serve us. Little by little, we will transform our life experience by training the mind. The Six Steps to Freedom, described in the remaining pages of this book, provide a useful tool for this endeavor. The rewards for using it will be beyond anything you can now imagine.
And, please be aware that this radical transformation process will at times feel like your entire world is being turned upside down. That is because it is.
“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of — throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.” ~ C.S. Lewis
Summary
1) Oneness is our True reality.
2) An experience of Oneness is helpful in remembering who we are in Truth.
3) Our worth is intrinsic.
4) We are innocent in Truth.
5) Our unhappiness stems from the belief that we are separate.
6) We can shift our attention from our ego ‘self’ to our ‘Self’ by training our mind and in so doing regain happiness, which is our birthright.
7) Love is all there is.