Step One: Recognize That “I am Upset”
“I get irritated, I get upset. Especially when I’m in a hurry. But I see it all as part of our training. To get irritated is to lose our way in life.” ~ Haruki Murakami
Check to see if any of these complaints rings a bell:
“She always criticizes me in public.”
“My son is out so late and I’m worried!”
“I just don’t fit in here.”
“Where did she put the remote?”
“I wish he would not do it that way.”
“That man has 14 items, what is he doing in the express lane?”
From the time we wake up in the morning till we go to bed at night, we are presented with countless opportunities to get upset.
Sadly, we rarely pass up any of these offerings. For the purpose of this chapter, we’ll define an upset as any state of mind other than peaceful or happy. So, being worried, sad, angry, bored, annoyed, anxious, depressed, lonely or even slightly irritated is an “upset.”
The good news is that upsets are gold if we learn to see them that way. Now what do I mean by “an upset is gold”? It’s simply this: every upset serves a purpose. Actually, every upset serves two diametrically opposing purposes. From the ego’s point of view, the purpose is to prove that my beliefs are correct — in other words, an upset serves as evidence of what I believe. From my higher Self’s point of view, the upset gives me an opportunity to realize that a mistaken core belief has chosen evidence to provoke an upset — and that now I can correct the belief. This can be hard to accept sometimes.
Let’s break this down a little. How many of us are used to being mildly upset, irritated, disappointed, or just out-of-sorts many times every day? I know I am. How did I use to deal with these disturbances? I would push them aside, ignore them. It’s not a big deal, I’d say to myself. Or: Don’t sweat the small stuff. Or I’d pour a glass of decent wine or smoke a joint. One thing is for sure: I would blame myself, someone or something, since there had to be a cause “out there” for my upset. I had a whole range of such coping techniques, but in the long run they didn’t work. In the long run, in fact, not only do coping techniques fail, they may lead to depression, chronic anxiety, and even physical illness.
To be really happy, we must become increasingly vigilant about noting and then processing as many upsets as we possibly can each and every day. “That sounds like hard work,” you say. Well, yes, but would you agree that it may be a whole lot easier than being miserably unhappy — or even slightly annoyed — most of your life? Over time, it provides a much higher payoff than downing three martinis a day at lunchtime, or filing for that second divorce.
The following is an example of someone who had been doing this work for a while, but got tripped up one day after receiving an e-mail that upset him. Here’s Taylor’s account of this incident:
“Some days it feels like it doesn’t take much to upset me. The difference, after becoming aware of my thoughts and feelings, is that I can now interrupt my thoughts and resulting behaviors by noticing that I’m upset. I’ll give you an example.
“At the time, I was looking for a new job — something that, like most people, I’ve always found quite stressful. One day I was following up on a promising lead with the hiring manager at a company I thought I’d enjoy working for, and I received a short e-mail response from him after submitting my resume.
“My immediate thought upon receiving this curt reply was that I wasn’t qualified for the position. My interpretation was that he didn’t think I was capable of handling the job, given my experience. This conclusion put me into a tailspin, and pretty soon I was thinking that I would never find a new job. Physically, I felt my heart rate increase. In my car on the way to a meeting, I was so distracted that I wasn’t paying any attention to my driving. I wasn’t very present or aware of my surroundings on the road!
“Noticing and then acknowledging this, I pulled over for a few minutes in order to process my upset. Being aware of my thoughts and feelings allowed me to change my mind. A few short minutes later, I had a clear head and was ready to engage in my meeting in a fully present state.
“The funny thing is, when I really stopped to think about it, nothing had actually happened. I read an e-mail, assigned a certain meaning to it, and started beating myself up mentally because of my interpretation of it. After processing the upset I could see the communication for what it actually was — a completely neutral acknowledgment of the resume that I had sent — nothing more, and nothing less.”
As you can see from this example, Taylor was completely honest with himself about what was going on, which allowed him to fully and quickly process the incident, and regain peace. It is important to note that if he completed the Six-Step Process and truly healed the triggered belief, then he would not only get over this incident, but similar upsets in the future would be reduced since that belief would no longer be in play, or at least its power is diminished. This underscores the need we all have to be aware, at all times, of our emotional state.
“Everyone creates realities based on their own personal beliefs. These beliefs are so powerful that they can create expansive or entrapping realities over and over.”
~ Kuan Yin
A big part of this first step is to not accept the ego’s first explanation or justification for any upset. Instead, we need to learn that we are never upset for the reason we think. So, take a deep breath and repeat to yourself: “I am never upset for the reason I think.” Any upset triggers feelings within us that are derived from our reaction to something that happened in our past. You may find it a challenge, but it’s important to resist the temptation to say: “I’m upset because…” The ‘because’ is the justification that your belief is choosing in order not to heal. Sounds a bit perverse, does it not? Yes, but it is a perversity of your own making.
Here is an example of this from my own life. Many years ago, a group of dedicated practitioners and I founded an organization dedicated to working with youth-at-risk. One of the co-leaders of that organization, a powerful presence, indicated that she might leave the group. I had a huge emotional response which was out of proportion to the circumstances of the situation.
I knew that a quick process would bring me to a calm and rational understanding of the situation. So I went back to the feeling of intense fear and deep loss that the woman’s words had brought up in me — and I allowed the feeling to balloon to the point where I was literally heaving with emotion.
And then it came back to me. The feeling went back to the camps and the time my brother had taken me with him to forage for edible leaves. We had to sneak under the fence to the ‘outside’ in order to find the plant material. This was a risky endeavor for, if caught, we would be severely punished. My brother was older than me, and he was the leader. I trusted him like no other, for my life was quite literally in his hands. One wrong move by him and we would both be in peril.
Cut to my colleague announcing that she might be leaving and my seemingly disproportionate feeling response. I quickly realized that I had transferred that ancient trust in my brother to her and, at some deep unconscious level, made her into the one person in our organization whom I could trust with my life — not only that, but I needed her for my very survival.
I processed that and have not had an analogous reaction since then. (And she did not leave, I’m happy to report.)
There are no small upsets. In addition to understanding that I’m never upset for the reason I think, it’s also important to remember that there are no small upsets. All of them are equally disturbing to my peace of mind. If I truly wish to be at peace, I must be vigilant and catch even the smallest irritation. I must acknowledge that I have been triggered somehow, take ownership of my experience, and be determined to get to the root of it.
Here’s an example: One day at our center in Costa Rica Patty’s husband Simon had offered to make a chocolate cake for the whole group at the center to enjoy. This triggered a reaction in Patty, which she explained as follows: she was upset ‘because’ Simon was always making chocolate cakes to impress their guests. As I just said: beware of the ‘because’! Even though Patty typically did most of the cooking for their frequent visitors, Simon would be the one to get the attention and the accolades for his cakes or other baked goods.
In circle, Patty agreed to process her reaction and she recalled an event wherein she had baked a chocolate cake for a contest held by her Girl Guide troop. Patty didn’t win, despite being absolutely convinced that nothing could beat her grandmother’s chocolate cake recipe. Her best friend’s Florentine’s entry was really better by far, but Patty couldn’t accept that at the time, and behaved very badly in protesting the judges’ outcome.
Her anger and sense of being unfairly treated was so strong that Patty and her best friend had an irreparable falling out. Then, Patty blamed herself for being “bad,” “a heinous creature,” and even “unworthy of love.” These major beliefs were sorely in need of correction, which Patty proceeded to do in circle. As a seemingly trivial upset was resolved, the end result was a significant healing for Patty.
Thus any upset, however small it seems, may lead to great progress in the shifting of old and stubborn beliefs. Patty’s initial reaction to her husband making the cake was: “He is going to get love for this, which means there is less love for me.” The belief behind it: “Love comes from outside of me, I do not have any myself.” To Patty, validation and recognition by others was a substitute for loving the Self. By correcting these erroneous beliefs she cleared the barriers to love — the beliefs that stood in the way of her knowing who she really is, which is Love itself.
What is it for?
All day long we need to check in with this question: “How am I feeling?” The answer might be: “I’m upset. I’m either angry, sad, or whatever it is, but I’m upset. There’s something going on, I am believing something, I’m not at peace.” That’s the first step.
If something indeed appears to be very “wrong” then someone trained in applying the Six-Step process to all upsets will almost immediately ask, “What is this for?” That means one is willing to look for the healing opportunity inherent in the upset.
A person trained in the Six-Step Process will not ask: “Why did this happen?” because that question implies that someone did something wrong. “What is it for?” implies that the incident contains a gift, although we may not be seeing that gift right at that moment. It’s our job to figure out what the gift is. Eventually, we’ll be able to see that nothing ever goes “wrong.”
In the beginning, that recognition may require a leap of faith. Learning to make that leap will deliver surprising dividends.
I am very aware that taking the faith-based position that nothing ever goes wrong is a huge stretch, and may even seem offensive to some. Just be with it for a while, and you’ll see how your perception of the world starts shifting. At a recent workshop, we enjoyed the presence of a most vociferous participant. In the first few days of the weeklong event she allowed us many glimpses into the fearful, angry, suspicious world she had made up for herself. Much of her anger and fear was directed at the fact that ‘immigrants were moving into the neighborhood.’
One story featured a black cab driver, who had turned on his GPS in order to drive her to the airport, which she somehow found personally insulting. Why? Because she felt that using a GPS was symptomatic of incompetence, of not being trustworthy, of being an unwanted foreigner, and so on. As she ranted about all this, all of us in the healing circle maintained our focus, just listening. If one listens carefully, the person sharing a story will inevitably tell you exactly who they think they are.
When she wound down, I asked her if there could be, perhaps, another way of interpreting the cab driver story. There was not, she was adamant. So I asked everyone if there might be another way of seeing this event, another interpretation. One by one the alternative interpretations started to flow:
• “He was a new driver and wanted to make sure he chose the quickest route.”
• “He was simply following company policy.”
• “He had heard there was some construction along the planned route and he wanted to make sure to avoid it.”
• “He had a rough night and was not too sure about how to get there.”
• “A previous passenger had accused him of taking an unnecessary long way.”
• “By checking his GPS device, he could provide a number of possible routes that the client could choose from.”
• ”The driver was providing transparency in his operations so that the client could know exactly where he was going.”
All in all, about fifteen different ways of seeing the situation were presented, and none of them would have led to an upset. Remember, we are never upset at a fact, only at our interpretation of that fact. Every experience I have on this planet is the result of my interpretation. That interpretation is chosen by the self I made up, the set of beliefs I call ‘me.’
The woman listened, although she kept wanting to interrupt, but was repeatedly encouraged to take in the information being offered. She remained resistant to any other way of seeing that day, but the next morning she spoke up first in the group to say: “I have thought about it and realized it’s possible that the cab driver was trying to be helpful.” This was a major breakthrough: this woman had never allowed anyone to help her, and thus to allow the idea of being helped was incredibly healing. It confronted a core belief at the center of her ego, and was therefore hard to accept at first.
If we only suffer from our interpretation of an event, then the event itself is not important. Sit with that for a moment. You might well ask: “Are you saying that the trauma of incest is the same as a stubbed toe?” Now, that sounds absolutely insane. And yet, yes, ultimately that is what I teach. The “I” whom I’ve made up is choosing my experience of any event. Whatever happens to your body in no way alters who you truly are, and has no effect on the love at the core of your being. Whether you stub a toe, break an arm, or suffer molestation, all these traumas happen to the body. The issue is body identification: the thought that we are our bodies. For many years we have worked with a considerable number of clients who suffered sexual, physical, or emotional abuse. It may come as a surprise to you that as soon as a client recognizes the profound validity of what we teach, they begin to heal — “Yes, someone did something to your body, we do not ever question that. But what you have done with it, how you have interpreted the event that is your responsibility.” With this perspective, they no longer see themselves as victims, and begin taking on the role of absolute authority in their lives.
Little by little you will transform your life by asking “I wonder what this is for?” Gradually, you can begin to see that everything happening to you is actually happening for you. That’s the key question — but you can’t get where you want to go if you don’t train the mind.
Are you up for this much commitment to your own happiness? I have asked you before: Are you worth the effort? Your response has to be a resounding “YES!”
“An untrained mind can accomplish nothing. It is the purpose of these exercises to train the mind to think along the lines which the course sets forth.” ~ A Course in Miracles
Summary
1) Upsets are gold, because they represent opportunities for healing.
2) We are never upset for the reason we think.
3) Resist the temptation to say: I am upset because …
4) There are no small upsets.
5) We are not upset by facts or events. Upsets are the result of our interpretations, and our interpretations are based on the beliefs we hold about ourselves.
6) Want to be ‘right’ about an upset today? Do not make yourself wrong about that — observe it and smile.