Step Six: Embrace the Absolute Truth about Me
“I am larger and better than I thought. I did not think I held so much goodness.” ~ Walt Whitman
So here we are at the last step of the process. We have noted our feelings and how strong they are on a scale of one to ten. We’ve remembered a formative incident, and have identified one or more erroneous beliefs, which have been driving our patterns of behavior, and which have been triggered by this latest upset. Now it’s time to correct those beliefs so that we can reclaim the happiness that is our birthright. How do we do that?
We utilize the two-part forgiveness process described in Chapter 4 and explored further here. We need to correct our beliefs one at a time, so choose the first belief that arises. Let’s say you’re feeling angry, and one of the underlying beliefs that you have identified is that “I am not important.” When you are in the memory of that emotion (let’s say that your mom or dad wouldn’t let you have the toy you wanted), submerged in the angry feeling triggered by that belief, take a deep breath and say out loud, “Forgive me for believing that I am not important.” Respond with, “Thank God that is not true! I made that up long ago. It is just a belief that does not serve me. I can now let go of it.” Pause. Take another deep breath.
In Choose Again circles these “forgivenesses” are said while looking into someone else’s eyes, and that person then responds. This has been shown to be effective because we are using the eyes of the other as safe witness to the truth. When we look into someone else’s eyes, we see our Self reflected. When that person then repeats the forgiveness back, the person who is doing the process has no trouble recognizing the innocence of the other person and thereby learns to recognize the innocence in themselves. It is, of course, possible to do these “forgivenesses” alone — out loud or in your head. It can also help to use a mirror. This process was intentionally designed to be done on your own. To become free of outside help is the goal.
The second part of Step Six is to confirm the Truth of you, which is done through another round of forgivenesses. This time seek to forgive yourself for forgetting the truth about who you are by saying, for example: “Forgive me for forgetting that my worth is intrinsic.” This time your response would be, “Thank God that is the truth” simply because, yes, you had temporarily forgotten. Who you are in Truth has never changed and is patiently waiting for you to remember. The real essence of you is simply waiting for you to say it’s time to pull back from the story and reconnect with the Truth — to recognize who you have always been. That’s embracing the Truth of who you really are.
It is immensely inspiring to observe people who have a very powerful, convincing belief that their worth is zero begin to accept that their worth is intrinsic. They think they have no worth, or that nobody loves them and that they’ll never be loved, they’ll never be seen, they’ll never be recognized. When they get their mind around the fact that their worth is intrinsic and unchangeable — and they really take it in and accept it — it’s truly amazing to watch their faces. At first their immediate response is: “That’s not true.” To which we respond, “I recognize that it does not feel true right now, but how would it feel if it were true? What would that feel like? What would the experience feel like if that was actually true?”
Then they say “Well, that would be incredible.” So then we reply, “Well, then live accordingly. Live from that premise: My worth is established by God — it’s intrinsic — it’s unchangeable.”
I had one client who was so convinced that the audacious statement “I am innocent” didn’t apply to him, that whenever I would say in a circle “You are unchangeably innocent in Truth,” he would ask “Do you think that applies to me too?” He had been put into foster care as a child; his dad was an alcoholic. Throughout his life he had collected vices which he attempted to solve, unsuccessfully, with various Twelve Step programs. He reports feeling much lighter now, as he allows himself to connect to the Truth of himself. He used to cry a lot at circles, an indication of the connection to his True Self.
When the first round of forgiveness is complete, check in again: Go back to that moment when you first felt the anger and see what your level of anger is now. Has your anger gone down? How do you experience that moment now? How do you feel when you go back to being four years old and your mum or dad wouldn’t get you that toy? If the upset initially did not go down, it could well be that we are dealing with another, different belief, which you must also then trace back to its source and process as well.
You must commit to continuing this process until the original upsets rates at zero. When you have done this you should be able to look back at the events that were occurring in the memory retrieved in Step Four, watching the replay in your mind calmly, without any emotion. If you can, then this round of processing has worked. If there is still some emotion left in the scenario go on to ask yourself for forgiveness for every belief you made up at that time. Here is a list of typical beliefs and the forgiveness formulas that can correct them:
BELIEF: Victim
FORGIVENESS: “I am part of Oneness — it is impossible for me to be a victim. I am the author of every aspect of my experience. I have chosen absolutely everything that seems to happen to me.” — This idea is a huge stretch for all of us in the beginning and only becomes acceptable when I really accept that nothing ever goes wrong — that everything has always been for me.
BELIEF: Guilty, I am ‘bad’ .
FORGIVENESS: “I am unchangeably innocent. My worth is intrinsic. I cannot change it no matter how much evidence to the contrary the ego drags in.”— Imagine a trial with the ego as a corrupt prosecutor dragging in inadmissible evidence — but the court has long since declared my absolute innocence.
BELIEF: Unloved
FORGIVENESS: “I am love. There is only Love.” — There is no alternative except in the ego’s deluded mind.
BELIEF: Worthless
FORGIVENESS: “My worth is established by God, not by what I do or don’t do — not by what I say or don’t say, not by getting more degrees or dropping out of school.” — Let go of trying to prove how worthy you are because it will never work. Only intrinsic worth lasts and provides the security we always seek so feverishly.
BELIEF: Separate, alone
FORGIVENESS: “I am whole and complete, part of Oneness.” — There is only the Self. There is nothing outside this Self. I am never alone.
BELIEF: I deserve punishment
FORGIVENESS: “I am innocent.” — I was taught that if I was punished enough, eventually I would be admitted to “heaven.” Not so. I am already in heaven; punishment is sought only by the ego to prove its faulty beliefs.
BELIEF: Stupid
FORGIVENESS: “I am part of Oneness — it is impossible to be stupid.” — The only ‘intelligence’ is divine intelligence, and that we share with all the universe. My IQ has nothing to do with living my birthright: to be happy!
BELIEF: Powerless
FORGIVENESS: “The power of love is infinite and has no opposite.”
BELIEF: Monstrous
FORGIVENESS: “I am love and that is all I am.”
The result, when I have completed these “forgivenesses,” as long as I have correctly identified the offending belief, is a sense of peace, calm, and happiness. Many clients report a feeling of lightness associated with undoing the burdens from the past. Here are a few examples from my practice and those of other Choose Again counselors:
A 70-year-old woman who had grown up in an orphanage found that she had a strong belief in scarcity. She felt that she never had enough money. When she processed her upset around money she recalled a terrifying memory of how, as a young girl, she had polio and was in an iron lung fighting for air to breathe. Her “aha!” moment came as she realized that all her life she felt she was fighting to get enough money, but really she was still fighting to get enough air. She had developed a belief that “there is not enough for me.” The lightness resulting from healing that belief was noticed and commented on by her family and friends.
An elderly gentleman who had also been a foster child had a sarcastic wit that hurt people deeply — they’d keep their distance so as not to get hurt by his sharp tongue. It took several workshops and private sessions before he plucked up courage to tell me that at age fourteen, he had persuaded two boys living at the same reformatory into some sexual experimentation. Since that day he had been drowning in self-hatred. He believed that he was unlovable and unworthy of being around other people, so he needed to be kept separate. He had effectively imprisoned himself by using hurtful speech to keep others away. After he processed his self-loathing and became aware of this pattern, people really noticed the difference in him. He no longer needed to be so nasty to everyone, and started feeling close to people for the first time in fifty-three years.
Jennifer had a particular problem saying goodbye to people. She would cry all the way through funerals or goodbye dinners for employees. It got so bad that she would avoid all such situations, but didn’t want to miss important events. Through Six-Step processing she discovered memories of her baby sister, born with some of her internal organs on the outside of her body, for which she was in and out of hospitals for surgeries. The client made up the belief that it was her fault that her sister had to be in hospital, i.e., if she had been a better big sister this wouldn’t have happened. She also felt abandoned because of all the attention her sister received. In her three-year-old mind, she’d abandoned her sister as well. By forgiving herself for believing that she could be guilty and abandoned, Jennifer’s experience at funerals changed. She was able to attend without crying at all and, at the same time, feel a deep love for the deceased and their family and friends. Her life changed and there was a noticeable new lightness about her.
The initial sense of peace and even euphoria that accompanies successful processing is often not permanent, so we have to be vigilant with our thoughts. That’s because the ego sets out to reinforce old beliefs as soon as we finish processing. This happens because the ego is that set of beliefs. It will defend the beliefs that comprise it, protecting and reinforcing them at every turn to ensure its very survival. If my ego has been telling me several hundred times a day that I am bad, guilty, stupid, alone, and a victim, it is unlikely that I will make a permanent change in those beliefs with just one round of processing. However, each time I catch an upset and process the beliefs that are triggered, those beliefs become weaker and the attacks less destructive.
Forgiveness
The best definition of true forgiveness, I think, is that of Brent Haskell who states in his powerfully clear book, Journey Beyond Words: “Forgiveness is just the awareness, beyond your thoughts, of the meaninglessness of all that seems to cause you pain.”
The thoughts that cause us pain are the thoughts that arise from the beliefs we hold about ourselves. None of these are true. Being told that the pain you have lived with for so long is caused by a meaningless event may initially be experienced as offensive, and does require a bit of a leap at first.
Forgiveness is a process that leads us to recognize that our worth is intrinsic. Forgiveness in this process is never about what we did or what somebody else did. In the Choose Again Six-Step Process, forgiveness means remembering that we are unchangeably innocent. We forgive ourselves for believing that the identity we made up is actually who we are. Forgiveness in this process is to recognize who is the ‘I’ that chose to be hurt, or chose to feel rejected, or chose to feel abandoned? That ‘I’ is not who you are. Forgive yourself for forgetting who you are.
Forgiveness in this context, then, is not about forgiving the actions of someone else. I’m not forgiving my father for beating me, but I’m forgiving myself for believing that the message of the beating was that I’m bad. The fact that my father had a highly unpredictable temper was not my fault, even if every single member of my family told me that it was. I am not responsible for the feelings others choose, any more than others are responsible for the feelings I choose. The belief I formed about myself was mistaken and does not serve me. In recognizing that I made a mistake in developing a belief that I am guilty, I also recognize that my father is innocent too — he was simply acting out his own beliefs. Seeing him as innocent will actually help my own healing, as we have shown in Chapter 3.
This same example illustrates a fundamental teaching of the Course, that everything we witness in others is either an extension of love or a cry for love. My father hit me three or four times a week for years. Now what was this really about? I can either frame it this way — “He was a son of a bitch, I hate him” — or this way: “I must have been a really terrible kid, otherwise he wouldn’t have done that. I hate me!” That makes me feel guilty, so then I will act on those guilty feelings by acting out to create additional evidence for my guilt.
Or, I can see his behavior as a cry for love, which then opens the door to an entirely new interpretation. Then, being beaten didn’t say anything about me. It tells me that he was in a lot of pain. But I can only see this when I am at peace. If I’m not, then I’ll have to deal with my own cry for love first.
Every word out of my mouth, and every action taken, can be judged in only one of two ways: as a “cry for love” or an “extension of love.” Can we make it any simpler?
“Teach him that whatever he may try to do to you, your perfect freedom from the belief that you can be harmed shows him that he is guiltless.” ~ A Course in Miracles
I am not forgiving the harm done to me, I am forgiving the belief that I could be harmed.
Please realize this form of forgiveness does not condone bad behavior. If my teenage son smashes his bedroom door in a fit of rage, then his anger must first be processed along with any reaction to the incident. Processing will neutralize the emotion so the broken door can be dealt with as just something to be fixed. I would present it as an opportunity to find healing that has been clearly called for. After that healing, the neutral facts will be looked at dispassionately: “How are we going to fix the door?” My son may have to pay for the damage, but this is not punishment for his behavior — it is a consequence of his actions and the loving thing to do.
Forgiveness versus Punishment
Our culture functions on a punishment or reward system in which we’re constantly judged. If we’re good we get a reward, if we’re bad we get punished. As a result, we’re always in search of punishment for our guilt. This is the exact opposite of the idea of forgiveness expressed in Step Six, which shows that we are unchangeably innocent. We’re unchangeably whole, and unchangeably loved, and there is nothing that we can do to alter that. We’re neither good nor bad — we just are. Our behavior is a result of our beliefs, and in order to change that behavior we have to change our beliefs about ourselves.
We’re addicted to the feelings associated with punishment and so we punish ourselves mercilessly with our thoughts. Someone who has just done something that is absolutely terrible wants to hear that they’re guilty. That’s why they did it. They want to have that experience; they want the guilt and they don’t want to hear about forgiveness, they only want to hear about punishment. “How long am I going to be punished for?”
One client from Holland was really upset about the fact that he wasn’t going to be punished indefinitely for some of his previous behavior. In fact, what he told us in the healing circle was, “I can’t get out of this without getting punished.” The irony is that he is being punished relentlessly by his ego thoughts, which have produced a “life sentence” of unhappiness. That will continue until he can accept the concepts of forgiveness and innocence.
Another client was a recovering addict and a murderer who had spent many years in jail. He came to one of my workshops with his girlfriend, who was also in recovery. Before he came, he said, “I don’t want anybody to work with her except you, will you guarantee me that?”
And I said, “I think I can guarantee that.” When he went for lunch, his girlfriend started into a process with one of the other staff members. Upon his return, not seeing his girlfriend with me, he asked, “Where is she?” and I said, “Well, she’s doing a process with Carolyne.” And he went ballistic. He said, “I could kill you, I could rub you out like a dog, and it wouldn’t mean a thing.” And he was convincing. He had spent most of his adult life in jail and did not see going back as a deterrent to an angry impulse.
I turned to him, made eye contact and said: “You cannot hurt me. I love you, you cannot hurt me.” I said it three times, and he collapsed and started to cry. For the first time in his life he had a visceral experience of what it means to be truly innocent.
“The word ‘innocence’ means a mind that is incapable of being hurt.” ~ Krishnamurti
Had I been afraid, if I had actually believed that he could hurt me, we would have had a potentially serious problem. But I was not afraid. At that moment, I knew who I was, and fear had no place in my eternal identity. Of course he could have killed my body, but at that moment, I was very clear about my identity as Spirit.
Innocence is who you Truly are. Innocence is a quality of being which is intrinsic and unchangeable. If you present me with a Charles Manson I will sit in front of him and say, “You’re absolutely innocent.” He won’t like that. Why not? Because his whole identity is “I’m a monster. Don’t tell me I’m innocent.” Every one of us has done things we are not proud of, some relatively bad, others not so bad, and some just plain silly. When ‘guilty people’ hear that what they’ve done has no impact on who they are, they become quite disturbed initially, but ultimately experience tremendous relief.
The Choose Again Six-Step Process provides the tools necessary to recognize and deconstruct our erroneous beliefs, in order to once again live in the true innocence of your Self. When you practice these precepts regularly, all your relationships are radically changed. That’s because all your relationships are with your ‘self’, and you are now transforming that little “s” self to the big “S”: the eternal, universal Self. In so doing, you fulfill your inherent potential by living a life of purpose — the one that is your birthright, the one you were truly meant to lead.
That’s why this work is so effective for many “problem” areas, including depression. Depression is a growing epidemic, but it simply means depriving oneself of love. It is not a disease, it can not be ‘cured’ with a pill. Somewhere along the way, either consciously or subconsciously, the depressed person has decided not to let love in. If you don’t let love in, you will not know who you are. On the other hand, when you let love in, you know who you are. You are love. In Truth, you can only give love and receive love. How many of us are aware of the fact that we ‘block love’ in our intimate relationships? How many of us are aware of the impact that choice has on the quality of intimacy we experience?
One client had been seriously depressed for a very long time. She had tried everything and was willing to try anything to be rid of this condition, which was preventing her from furthering her academic work, and was stressing all her family relationships. It only took two sessions to completely turn her life around. She used the Six-Step Process to discover that, as a little girl, she had made up a belief that there was something wrong with her. Her willingness to look at that belief, realize that it was not true and let it go, led to immediate and dramatic change. Months later she is still enjoying her new-found happiness, telling everyone she meets about her miraculous cure! Her readiness for a change, and willingness to use a new way of thinking, allowed her rapid healing.
By the time we have finished Step Six, we have acknowledged the Truth about our Self. In this acknowledgment — and the perceptual shift that comes with it — lies the power that Truth can actualize in our life in positive and meaningful ways. This is the path to lasting happiness.
“You are the Essence of the Essence,
The intoxication of Love.
I long to sing Your Praises
But stand mute
With the agony
Of wishing in my heart!”
~ Rumi
Summary
1) Forgiveness is the process by which the beliefs that make up the small ‘s’ ego self are diminished, so that our awareness of our big ‘S’ Self can grow.
2) We need to forgive ourselves for our mistaken beliefs (who we think we are) and for forgetting who we are in Truth, in order to reclaim the happiness that is our birthright.
3) Keep processing and transforming negative beliefs until your emotional reaction is down to zero.
4) This forgiveness process does not condone bad behavior — we are not forgiving the behavior of others or of ourselves.
5) The ego will start to reinforce old beliefs again unless we remain vigilant with our thoughts.
6) Above all, do not make yourself wrong. No one I know has been perfect in Applying these steps, so please resist the temptation to judge yourself.