Family Dynamics and the Six-Step Process
“Nurturing our own minds will also affect those around us; we will benefit family, friends, colleagues, and society in general.” ~ Geshe Tashi Tsering
“Do not try to change the world, but change your mind about the world.” This universal teaching suggests that you are in charge of your experience in the world. Understanding this, you are removed from the ‘victim’ role, establishing you as ‘author’ of your dream, rather than just the one experiencing your dreams. “Does changing my mind actually change the world?” you may ask. Well, for most of us that may seem like a tall order. But the idea allows you a different interpretation, a new way of seeing what you believe to be happening. It is in that shift in perception that your entire world will change. I have also found that when I do my work — when I process my mistaken beliefs — many others in my life seem to be doing the same. We often hear from clients that after they’ve been to the center, “I went back to work, and people have changed so much while I was away.” That, is what we refer to as the ripple effect of our work. When one person heals, many around her may seem to be healing at the same time. That is pretty wild but we have seen it happen over and over. Some of the effects of this are seen and visible, and some are not.
An analogy to this universal, societal healing is the healing that takes place within the family unit because one family member has begun healing work. The healing of one person’s dysfunction can very often become the catalyst to bring dramatic healing to the family dysfunction of the whole. It tends to brings increasing self-awareness and heightened consciousness to other members of the family who then, in turn, begin to see the role they have played in forging a family dynamic which, in the past, led to strife, conflict, depression and a host of other symptoms. One member of the family comes to us, says “ouch,” and that “ouch” is a cry for help on behalf of the entire family.
When I began my practice, I worked primarily with youth suffering addictions and other negative behaviors. Invariably, parents would arrive at my office and proceed to tell me that their children were in some sort of trouble and needed “fixing.” Parents generally want their kids to behave in a certain way, get good grades, go to university, or find employment. These certainly seem to be reasonable desires. Very often, however, that desire is fed by feelings of guilt or unworthiness. Parents want their child to be evidence for their worth. If, however, the child has other ideas and it looks as if the parents’ pre-ordained path might not be followed, then parents sometimes reach out for help to get their progeny back on the “right” track. It is a fearful thing for most parents to have a child that does not conform to societal norms.
Whenever a parent comes to see me about difficulties they are having with a son or a daughter, I will invariably suggest we start doing some healing work with the parents before we even think of talking to the child — even if the child is clearly making choices reflecting self-hatred. What needs to change first is the parents’ perception of the problem. If the parents are willing to process their own fears, beliefs, and lack of self-love, very often their child’s behavior will also change as a natural outcome.
There are a number of reasons for that. First, all parties in this story are part of a family system. The child’s core beliefs — that he or she is not good enough, for example, demand evidence to be reinforced. The parents’ core beliefs — perhaps also about not being good enough — need evidence as well, which the child’s behavior amply provides. The child’s cry for love is being met by the parents’ own cry for love, so conflict ensues. If the parents succeed in addressing their own issues, then they will no longer need to cry for love, but can extend love instead. As the relationship of each parent to himself or herself is transformed, the relationship between parent and child changes naturally, often at surprising speed.
Second, if the parents do their work and gain an understanding of who they are in Truth, that everything is for their healing, and that nothing ever goes wrong, then they can be much calmer when faced with another night of drinking or drugging or binging and purging, whatever the problem of the child might be. Then a child’s inappropriate behavior is no longer seen as ‘wrong,’ but as a cry for love. When a parent does not react negatively to their child’s behavior, he or she will no longer reflect the guilt the child is looking for as evidence of their own unworthiness. In other words: the parents have stepped out of the action-evidence-reaction cycle. This prevents the child from feeding her guilt addiction, so the evidence of his or her badness no longer mounts. The underlying beliefs are then not being fed.
Third, the child will see the change in his or her parents and will be curious about what has caused that change to happen. They may be curious enough to want to try it too. This happened on many occasions. I’ll tell you about one of them.
One woman, Karen, brought her daughter Joanne to see me and explained that Joanne was a total mess — she had been anorexic, was now bulimic, was drinking, smoking, and taking drugs. She was leaving the house at all hours of the night to go to raves in distant towns. She had virtually dropped out of school in grade nine. I managed to convince Karen, the mother, to come and see me to work on her own issues, which she did weekly for a couple of months. By using the Six-Step Process regularly, she was able to get off the anti-depressant medications she had taken for over twenty years. She started exercising and looking after her health in ways that she would not allow herself time to do before. Her strained relationship with her husband was transformed and Joanne reported that she felt better, knowing that she was no longer able to drag her mother down with her when she was out of control.
It took a few years, but Joanne eventually agreed to come to the center in Costa Rica and stayed for a few months. While she was with us she learned how to experience joy without needing substances. By healing her core beliefs, she was able to turn her life around completely.
It is interesting to note that Karen was so happy to shed her depression that she brought her husband Jack to see me. We worked on his stress levels; he was a top executive in a multinational firm. Shortly after he learned the Six-Step Process he took on a global position which he would not have been able to manage previously, because of the enormous stress load and the problems at home.
I even met with Joanne’s grandmother, who had been quite traumatized by her granddaughter’s behavior. She needed to do a lot of work around her own sense of worth, and reported that our sessions helped her in all sorts of unexpected ways — even just dealing with previously awkward social situations.
Joanne’s brother John, who had left for university and stayed away afterward to escape his dysfunctional family, returned after nine years, seeing how much everyone had changed. He had been having a battle with depression, so he and his wife came to see me. Both report vast improvements in their relationship and in their own happiness.
I feel so privileged to work with families because it is usually family dynamics that generate core beliefs in the first place, and it is remarkable to see the results when whole families work on their healing together.
Many years ago, a young woman named June came to our healing center in Costa Rica. The month before arriving she had undergone ten electroshock treatments. She had been prescribed twelve different mood-altering medications and, as you can imagine, she was a mess. Her psychiatrist had basically thrown up his hands in despair — there was nothing left in his toolbox he could suggest with any reasonable hope of success. In addition to a huge smorgasbord of meds she had indulged in street drugs, mostly cocaine. She was not present, her eyes were dull, her spirit virtually broken and her will to survive was flickering at a very low pitch. But there was something to work with: anger. She was angry at herself, at the world, at her parents, and at her partner. While it is clear that in our work anger for its own sake is not a very useful emotion, in this case it showed me that there still was a fighting spirit, even if the fight was directed at herself and mostly self-destructive.
Her stay at the center was memorable. Rarely had I seen an ego so committed to self-destructing without actually taking the last, irrevocable step. She demonstrated every day how the ego will resist healing — how the fear of Love is really the only fear there is, and how she was absolutely determined to preserve her self-made identity at all costs. It was an epic struggle between her loving Self and the self she had made up. In the end, the Self won. Her parents both came down and spent time with us learning our process, and learning the new language their daughter had begun to master. After June went home to be with her family in an entirely new way we learned of the remarkable ‘ripple effect’ story, which came out of this healing.
Her mother had not talked to her brother (June’s uncle), in twenty-five years. However, once June’s mother was exposed to the healing work that we do and began to understand the power of forgiveness, she too started reaching out. She decided to call her brother to extend love. They had a wonderful, loving conversation and during their talk she happened to recall that their father had died of colon cancer. She asked this long-estranged brother, “Have you had a colonoscopy lately or at all?” And he said, “No I haven’t.” And she urged him to do so.
Shortly thereafter he had the colonoscopy and its results revealed that he had colon cancer. The disease was at a very early stage and because it was caught so early, her brother recovered fully and has been clear of any signs of cancer ever since.
That is one of the enormously gratifying aspects of this work: we have no idea how far the healing ripples can go. But we trust fully that they will go far, and keep having an ever-wider effect on more people and families. To me, this story epitomizes what can happen. Strange as it may seem, families of the people who come to the center often resist healing and transformation, because they feel a powerful pull to maintain the status quo. To change family dynamics requires commitment on the part of more than one member, if it is to be successful. The family often reverts to dysfunction because it is what all parties are used to; they know how to handle that however miserable it may make them. I want to be absolutely clear that this is not out of malicious intent, but
simply because the ego/family system naturally resettles in a familiar pattern. This is paradoxically called the ‘comfort zone’ of the family, although very little true comfort is found in that state.
Allow me to shed some light on this puzzling phenomenon. The person who has been ‘selected’ by the family to be the black sheep has become the symbol of their guilt. He or she is the walking mirror reflecting the deeply held belief in guilt shared by the entire family. Now, if this person were to heal and no longer be evidence for the mistaken belief in guilt that the other family members sustain, they will have to find a new mirror to remind them of their painful beliefs.
Once we are aware of this ‘status quo’ tendency and have made a genuine commitment to continue our healing no matter what, miracles happen. Families are transformed and generational hurts are healed. Ancient hatreds and feuds are reinterpreted and forgiven — and that is why everyone who works with me is so passionately dedicated to this work. We have seen so many seemingly hopeless situations turned around, so many broken relationships returned to Love, so many lives get back on track and that is our greatest joy.
The first step begins with you. You are so worth it! Commit to a year of really committed awareness and processing. One year, that’s it. You probably cannot imagine the enormous, healing shifts that will inevitably happen in all aspects of your life. All for the better!