Chapter Six
Catrina did not know if she was eager to go to the worship service or if she dreaded it. Not the service itself, but seeing Eli again. She knew that he would be there and there would be no way to avoid him. Part of her wanted to run to him and grin and tell him that she understood him and believed him and that everything was wonderful. But of course, that was foolishness. Pure foolishness. And I promised myself to never, ever be foolish again.
Catrina felt her stomach contract as she crested the hill above the Miller cabin and saw the clumps of people in the clearing. The settlers took turns hosting the worship service and this week fell on her friends Greta and Jacob. Yes, she now considered Jacob her friend, even though she had run after him shamelessly before she admitted that he and Greta were perfect together. Catrina supposed that she should be embarrassed, but after what had happened in Philadelphia, her forwardness with Jacob seemed inconsequential. She couldn’t be bothered to obsess over that mistake—not when there were real mistakes to obsess over. And what a mistake she had made in Philadelphia!
“Are you all right?”
Catrina flinched. She had almost forgotten that her grandparents strolled beside her. A bird trilled high in a pine tree and another one zipped across the path with a flash of blue wings. “Of course.” Catrina forced a smile.
Frena put her hand on Catrina’s elbow. “You look pale.”
“Ach, let her be, Frena,” Georg said. “She’s thinking about that young man and hoping that he’s thinking of her too.”
Catrina’s mouth dropped. Her head swiveled to her grandfather. She didn’t know what to say.
Georg winked at her. “It’s about time, you know.”
“Oh.” Catrina turned paler, if that were possible.
“Georg.” Frena laughed. “You’ve gone and embarrassed her.”
Georg shrugged. “I’d like to see her with a nice young man.”
“You are being mighty hasty, Grandfather.”
“He seemed nice enough when he came to dinner. Not like some of those other boys. You know the ones who run around trying to impress everyone, but have the character of a toad. Smooth-talking boys like—”
“Georg!” Frena elbowed Georg in the ribs.
Georg cleared his throat. “Ach. Well. Never mind then.”
Catrina sighed. “It’s all right.”
“Of course it is,” Georg said. “It’ll turn out all right. Just you watch and see.”
“We don’t know Eli,” Catrina said. “Not really. He might not be so nice, you know.”
Frena frowned and looked down the hill, to the people gathered in the Millers’ clearing. “A wise thought, to be sure. Best to be cautious. But he certainly does seem to be a nice young man. . . .”
Georg shrugged. “Leave it in der Herr’s hands. But just remember that running away doesn’t ever really get you anywhere.”
The color leached from Frena’s face when Georg said the words running away. She coughed. Georg frowned and tugged at his long gray beard. “She knows what I mean, Frena.”
Catrina looked down. She was tired of hearing them talk around the truth. They all pretended that it had never happened, and yet they all knew it did. That knowledge felt like a fourth person living alongside them—a silent, brooding fourth person. Would she ever be free from the past? Would she ever be allowed to truly move on?
“I’m going ahead to see if I can help Greta,” Catrina said.
Georg looked frustrated and Frena looked concerned. Catrina forced a smile. “It’s all right.” She patted her grandfather’s arm. “Really.” And then she hurried down the hillside before they could say anything more. Was her grandfather right? Was Eli a nice young man? Her heart said yes. But it was her heart that had betrayed her in Philadelphia!
Eli came out of the open cabin door just as Catrina rounded the corner of the threshold to go inside. He thumped into her and she jolted backward. He looked contrite as he threw up a hand, grabbed her shoulder, and balanced her. His hand felt warm and gentle and she knew that she wouldn’t fall. She laughed when she realized that he had been the reason that she almost fell—and the reason that she didn’t.
“Steady there.” He frowned. “Sorry about that. I was just . . .” He cleared his throat and returned her grin. “Ja. Funny, I suppose.” His face dropped back into a serious expression and he looked at her carefully. “You’re all right? Nothing hurts?”
“No, of course not. It was nothing.”
He nodded. “You’re sure?”
“Eli, it’s fine. Really.” Catrina realized that she was glad that he had bumped into her. His reaction made her feel that he cared. His expression seemed so apologetic and concerned. He was getting to her. Really getting to her. Well, she wouldn’t be taken in. Not this time. She felt a protective shield snap down over her emotions.
But the words that he spoke the night before flashed through her mind. There’s something special about you. Something different. And it’s more than your beauty. It’s your quiet strength, your commitment to the faith. It’s the way you make me feel like I’m not alone anymore. He had seemed so genuine as they stood in the field at dusk, the last smudges of sunlight lingering in the sky behind his tall, lean body. She pushed the memory away. They all seem so genuine.
“I need to get on,” Catrina said in a clipped voice. Her heart told her to soften her tone, to linger with him for a moment, laugh at their little accident, enjoy the moment. But she slammed her heart shut and turned briskly on her heels. She could feel Eli watching her as she strode away. She glanced back and his face crumpled. He rubbed his hand against the back of his neck in a confused, contrite gesture. Catrina turned away and did not look at him again.
* * *
Eli’s chest felt tight throughout the service. He knew that he should appreciate the moment—here he was in a new settlement created just for the Amish!—and yet, his heart felt as heavy and sharp as an iron blade. The congregation sat on rows of backless benches in front of the Millers’ cabin, men on one side, women on the other, and sang the slow, familiar a cappella songs from the Ausbund. Eli tried to steal a glance at the women’s side of the congregation, but Gertrud’s stern brown eyes met his instead of Catrina’s. Gertrud raised an eyebrow as if she knew exactly what he was thinking and he snapped his gaze back to the men’s side. This isn’t going well. This isn’t going well at all.
Is it because I bumped into her? Was that such a terrible thing? He frowned. Well, it wasn’t exactly debonair. It wasn’t the way you sweep a woman off her feet. Or, to be completely accurate, it was. But not in the way that he wanted to!
Eli replayed last night’s conversation with Catrina. She had looked up at him with soft, vulnerable blue eyes. And those eyes had widened, ever so slightly, when he told her how he felt about her. She had seemed so moved by his declaration. But today . . .
Everyone had stopped singing. Someone beside him cleared his throat and Eli realized that he was the only person still standing. He felt his face burn red as he dropped to his seat. Had she seen that? Of course she had!
It was hopeless. Truly and completely hopeless.
An elderly man in a somber waistcoat, dark jacket, and sensible leather boots walked to the front of the congregation, took off his beaver-felt hat, and began to speak. Eli tried to listen to the man, but his mind stayed fixated on Catrina Witmer. He analyzed each word that he had spoken to her the night before. His face fell when he realized that her response to his declaration had been meaningless. You’ve said quite a lot, Eli Webber. That was all she had given him. She had not actually given him any reason to believe that she had been moved by his words.
He had thought that they had connected. He had thought that they had felt a shared revelation. But why on earth had he thought that? She had given him no sign. Perhaps he had just hoped for it so badly that he had misread her. Of course I misread her. How foolish of me to think that a woman like her could be interested in a man like me.
After the service, everyone stayed to share a meal. Eli felt overwhelmed by the parade of strangers who hurried to welcome him and wish him well. He found himself looking for Catrina in the crowd and thinking how soft and familiar her presence would be. But Catrina was nowhere to be found. Had she left early? Was she so eager to run away from him? Well, of course she was. She wants to send a clear message without having to come right out and say it. Eli frowned. She’s too considerate to come right out and tell me that I don’t deserve her.
“Isn’t that so?”
“What?” Eli’s attention jerked back to the two elderly men standing in front of him. Abraham and Amos, those were their names, right? He did remember that the taller fellow had just been elected bishop. He had no idea what the two men had just said. “Yes. Indeed.”
Abraham nodded and ran his fingers through his long beard in a thoughtful motion. “And Friday will work for you and Gertrud?”
“Uh, ja. Friday.” Eli hoped that he wasn’t agreeing to something irreparable. He forced himself to pay attention to the conversation and not let his thoughts drift back to Catrina.
“You’ve chosen the tract of land?”
Eli stared for a moment. “Ah. Ja. A tract of land. We have. Camped there now. Adjacent to the Witmer place.”
Amos grinned and slapped Eli on the back. Eli flinched. He really was terribly distracted. How soon could he slip away and look for Catrina? “We’ll have you a stout cabin up in no time,” Amos said. “I’ll let everyone know to be there.”
“Wunderbar.” Eli gave a genuine smile as he caught up to the conversation. At the week’s end the entire settlement would come together and help him build his cabin. This is what he loved about being Amish. No one was ever alone.
A solitary figure caught his eye and drew his attention beyond the silver-haired men, to the edge of the clearing. Catrina stood by herself, eyes distant, her hands holding a wooden trencher piled high with food. She wasn’t eating. Eli frowned. She looked alone, even among the smiling, chatting crowd. Her posture looked regal, her spine straight, her chin slightly raised. Did she want to be alone? He couldn’t read her. She was unreachable, untouchable. She was too good for him.
“Eli.”
“Huh?”
Gertrud stood beside Abraham and Amos, staring at him. He had not noticed that she had joined them. “The loom,” she said. Her expression looked tired and impatient.
“Yes. The loom.”
Amos nodded as if he expected a more elaborate response. Eli just nodded in return.
“So it will be how long?”
“Until . . .” Eli cleared his throat and tried to look engaged in the conversation.
“You have the cloth for a new pair of breeches.” Amos tapped his knee where the linsey-woolsey fabric had worn thin. “Can’t keep going like this.”
“Right. No. Of course not.” Eli cleared his throat again. “Let’s see, it depends on how long . . . Working alone it will be some time before . . . Gertrud will have her hands full keeping house I imagine, and well . . .”
Frena Witmer strode over and wedged herself between Amos and Abraham. “I couldn’t help but overhear. And, as a matter of fact, I’ve been thinking the same thing. Catrina too. We were discussing you—that is we were discussing your work and . . .”
Catrina was discussing me! Eli felt his heart thump into his mouth. He swallowed.
“You should speak to her, I suppose,” Frena continued.
“Ah. Is that so?” Eli wanted to ask exactly what Catrina had said about him, but he cut the thought short when he saw Gertrud’s expression. She had bitten into a lemon again.
“Eli, there’s someone I’d like you to meet,” Gertrud said.
“All right. I’ll just speak to Catrina first.”
Eli nodded to Abraham and Amos and smiled at Frena, and then headed across the clearing to where Catrina stood alone. Eli felt his stomach flutter with expectation. He had a reason to talk to her! A genuine reason—not some contrived excuse that would make him look foolish.
“Eli, dear, I do want you to meet someone.” Gertrud pulled on his arm. “She and her sister are right here. Do come along. You can speak to Catrina later.” Gertrud’s face said that she had no intention of letting him speak to Catrina later.
Eli looked toward Catrina and frowned. The sun caught a tendril of midnight black hair that had fallen from her prayer kappe and made it glimmer. Eli sighed. “I’m sure whoever it is can wait.”
“Humph.” She tugged his arm harder. “I’m sure they can’t.”
“Ach, Gertie. Why are you set on keeping me from speaking to Catrina?”
Gertrud’s face tightened. “It’s not that I am keeping you from speaking with her. It’s that there are other women who I am sure you would rather speak to.”
Eli kept his eyes on Catrina’s solitary figure across the clearing. He wasn’t really paying attention to his sister. She always said the same thing in different ways.
Gertrud steered Eli toward two women in line at the long wooden table set up in the yard. They hovered over the trenchers of roasted turkey, corn cakes, and rough, brown bread.
“My brother, as promised,” Gertrud said as they neared. She elbowed Eli to capture his attention. “This is Christina.” The younger of the two women turned and smiled. She looked eighteen years old or so, and was pretty in a fresh, innocent way. Her blue eyes seemed wide and trusting and her cheeks held the red flush of youth.
“Gertrud told us about you. We’re so glad that you’re here. We have sheep. Did she tell you that?”
“No.” Eli looked down at the open, friendly face and the hint of blond hair that peeked from beneath the white starched prayer kappe. He wondered why he didn’t feel anything for the girl. She was certainly pretty enough to grab a man’s attention, but he felt no pull, no connection. He glanced over her head and saw Catrina watching him in the distance. Her expression clamped shut and she quickly turned her face away. Was she watching me? Now, wouldn’t that be an interesting turn of events....
“It’s almost time for the shearing,” Christina continued. She did not notice that Eli’s attention was elsewhere.
The second woman set her trencher down on the wooden table and nodded at Eli. Her features looked similar to the younger woman’s but they seemed harder and more serious. Eli guessed that she was a decade or more older than the first woman. But it wasn’t her age that made her less attractive than her sister; it was the subtle strain that she wore on her face like a mask. Eli thought that she and Gertrud would get along just fine. Two peas in a pod, those two.
“My sister gets ahead of herself,” the older woman said. “I’m Hilda. Nice to meet you. And yes, we’ve wool to trade.”
“Ah.” Eli smiled. “Splendid.” Eli glanced behind him to make sure that Catrina was still standing alone, across the clearing. He looked back to the women. “Lovely to meet you both.” Then he nodded, turned away, and strode across the yard. He heard Gertrud’s heavy footsteps hit the dirt behind him. He sighed. “Yes, dear?”
“Eli, what is wrong with you?”
“Not a thing, sister mine.”
“Christina is a very nice young woman. She’s pretty and cheerful and wholesome. She does seem quite wholesome, doesn’t she?”
“Mmmm. Yes. I’m sure she does.” Eli yawned and did not slow his pace.
Gertrud grasped his arm. “So you will call on Christina this evening? I’ll chaperone, of course.” Gertrud’s expression looked smug and self-assured. Eli knew that face. It was her I-have-a-foolproof-plan-and-my-brother-will-fall-right-into-it face.
Eli pushed down the irritation. Patience, man! Patience. Remember what you owe your sister. He patted the work-hardened hand that gripped his elbow. “Oh, what poor timing. A shame, really.” He shook his head and tried to look contrite even though his eyes sparkled with mirth.
“What is?” Gertrud’s eyes narrowed.
“I already have plans to call on someone else.”
Gertrud’s face whitened. “And who might that be?”
“Catrina.”
Gertrud’s lips narrowed. Her jaw clenched. “And how long have you had these plans?”
Eli shrugged. “Since I looked up a moment ago and saw that Catrina isn’t standing over there anymore.” She had slipped away while Gertrud slowed him down to talk about Christina. Eli smiled a rather wicked smile. “You really should have let me speak to Catrina first. But since you insisted I meet Christina first, well, looks like I will have to make a special trip over to the Witmer cabin. And then I’ll have to sit a spell and visit. Can’t be rude, you know.”
Oh, what a sour lemon Gertrud had bitten now! Her face puckered with frustration. She made a sound between a huff and a grunt as her eyes bored into Eli’s. He just grinned.