Chapter Seventeen
Eli found Gertrud behind the Gruber cabin. She stood alone, staring past the clearing, into the forest.
“Gertrud.” Eli said her name softly and carefully. She did not turn her attention to him.
“Do you remember the forest in Germany?” She kept her eyes on the towering pines and the dark, secret spaces that formed between their massive trunks.
“Ja. Of course.” Eli walked to her side and they stood, shoulder to shoulder, staring into the distance.
“The forest was different there.”
“Ja. I suppose.”
Gertrud sighed. “It was. That forest was tame. The wolves and bears had been driven away. The biggest trees had all been felled. It was familiar, safe. You knew what to expect. There were no predators left.”
Eli turned his head so that he could see Gertrud’s face. Her expression was distant and sad. It hurt him to see that look and he turned his gaze back to the tree line. “I never thought about it.”
“There were fairy tales, of course. Legends of witches and monsters and the like, but they weren’t real. Everyone knew they weren’t real.”
“All right.”
“It isn’t like that here.” Gertrud’s fingers ran across her apron in a nervous gesture. “There are still predators in these woods. And they aren’t fairy tales. They’re real.” Gertrud turned her face to his. “Do you know the most dangerous kind of predator?”
Eli shifted his weight from one foot to the other. He didn’t like the direction of the conversation. “No.”
Her eyes bore into his with a dark intensity. “The ones that you don’t recognize as predators.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I think you do.”
Eli let out a long, slow breath and dropped his eyes from hers. “I’m going to marry her, Gertrud.”
“Oh, Eli.” Her words came out in a slow, soft whisper.
“I didn’t break my promise to you. I didn’t pursue her.”
“No?”
“No.”
“You arrived with her and her grandparents, everyone grinning like one big happy family. I knew when I saw the expression on your faces that it was over.”
“It isn’t over, Gertrud. It’s just beginning! My life, my happiness—can’t you be happy with me?”
“How did it come to this?”
Eli tore his hat from his head and ran his fingers through his hair so hard it hurt. “Come to what? Marriage? Happiness? I told you, I did not pursue her!”
“She proposed to you, then?” Gertrud looked suspicious.
“Not exactly.”
“Then what happened exactly?”
“She told me that she loved me.”
“Ah.”
Eli ran his fingers through his hair again, then slammed his hat back on his head. “She pursued me. She said it first. And once it was said, well . . . I did not break my promise when I responded in kind.”
“Ach, Eli. Just listen to yourself.”
“I kept my word. I said I would not pursue her and I did not.”
Gertrud paused. She closed her eyes. “It only shows her true character, I suppose. If only you were able to see.”
“What do you mean?”
“What do you expect from a woman who is bold enough to declare her love to a man? It isn’t proper.”
“She got carried away. She didn’t even mean to say it.” Eli shook his head. “But none of that matters. Can’t you just be happy for me? Can’t you trust me?”
Gertrud inhaled deeply and released the air in a long, slow breath. “No.”
“Gertie.”
“It’s because I love you, Eli. And not with the kind of shallow, self-serving love that your Catrina Witmer gives. I love you with the deep, dependable love of a sister.”
“Her love is real, Gertrud.”
“Oh, Eli. Nothing about Catrina is real.”
Eli did not respond. He thought carefully about his words. There were a great many things that he wanted to say to Gertrud, but he knew that every one of them would sound angry and harsh. He held back. He counted to ten. He reminded himself that Gertrud’s disillusionment was his fault. He had destroyed her life. The least he could do was accommodate her feelings. “I am sorry that it hurts you, Gertie, but I’m marrying the woman I love today.”
“It doesn’t hurt me, Eli.” The words came out in a sharp staccato. “It hurts you. Can’t you see that all I want is to protect you?”
“Gertie. Please.” Eli shifted his feet. He glanced behind them. “I need to go.”
“Wait.” Gertrud swallowed. Her face looked pinched and worried. “I need to tell you something. I didn’t want it to come to this, but you’ve left me with no choice. If she won’t come clean, then I will have to do it for her. It’s the only way to protect you.”
Eli rubbed his eyes. His head hurt. This was not what his wedding day was supposed to be like. “All right. Tell me. And then I will tell you that it doesn’t matter.”
Gertrud snorted. “Oh, it matters.”
“I’ll decide. Go ahead.”
But Gertrud hesitated. Eli could sense the struggle within her conscience. The strain was written across her face. Gertrud swallowed. She licked her lips, opened her mouth, then closed it again. She sighed and looked out at the forest.
Abram’s voice boomed across the backyard. “Where is the bridegroom? Run away, has he?”
Eli’s attention shifted. He had left Catrina waiting. Did she feel neglected? Abram barreled around the corner of the cabin. “There he is!” He winked at Gertrud. “And his lovely sister.”
The moment had passed. Whatever Gertrud had wanted to say, she had waited too long to say it. She would not have a chance, now.
Abram frowned when he took in Gertrud’s pained expression. “What’s the matter, old girl?”
Gertrud shook her head. Her mouth stayed in a tight line.
“Everyone’s waiting,” Abram said.
“All right,” Eli said. “We were just . . .” He sighed and let the words die away as he flicked a speck of dirt from the knee of his breeches.
“Ah, I see.”
“What?” Eli’s chest constricted. Did Abram know that Gertrud opposed the match?
“Poor Gertie is feeling sore.”
Gertrud’s face jerked up to look at him. “What?”
“Don’t you two know any words but ‘what’?”
Gertrud glared at him. “Don’t you know not to talk about a woman’s feelings?”
Abram shrugged. He scratched the side of his face. His thick fingers tangled in his black beard. “All I was going to say was that I know what’s wrong.”
Gertrud’s face tightened. Eli felt his stomach sink. This was a private, family matter. He didn’t want anyone else to know that Gertrud held Catrina in such low regard.
“You most certainly do not,” Gertrud said in a voice that was calmer than her expression.
“Ah, but I do.” A slow, sly smile crept across Abram’s face. “You are sore that Eli’s getting hitched and you’re not.”
Gertrud sucked a sharp breath of air in through her teeth. Her eyes looked as though they could shoot fire.
Abram put up his hands. “Now, now. Don’t take it out on me, sweet thing.” He winked at her. “Because I could remedy the problem, you know.”
Gertrud looked as if she had swallowed a goose egg and it lodged in her throat. She tried to speak but choked on the words.
Abram shrugged. “Too taken by the offer to reply, I reckon. Well, I do have that effect on women.” He turned to Eli and nodded his chin toward the front yard. “Come on. They’re waiting for you.”
Gertrud stood riveted in place as she watched Abram saunter away. “What in heavens was that about?” she asked after the flames had retreated from her eyes.
Eli smiled. Then he began to laugh. “I think it was a marriage proposal, sister mine.”
The flames returned to Gertrud’s eyes. She could set something on fire with the force of that look. “It most certainly was not.” Neither of them spoke as she watched Abram disappear around the corner of the cabin. Her expression shifted to an emotion that Eli could not read. Her hand moved to her forehead. She patted a bead of sweat from her hairline. She swallowed again. “Was it?”
Jacob and Greta Miller strode into view. Greta waved for Eli to come. “We can hardly wait, Eli! I am so happy for Catrina. And you, too, but I don’t really know you—you aren’t a friend of mine. I don’t mean . . .” She shook her head and her smile widened. “I always say the wrong thing.”
“What she means is that she’s happy for both of you and we’re waiting, so hurry up.” Jacob Miller was not one to sugarcoat his words with social niceties. Greta laughed. “Ja. Something like that.”
Eli returned Greta’s smile. They had only met a few times, but he had thought she was nice. Perhaps it was because she had a tendency to say too much. He knew all about that.
Gertrud frowned and straightened her prayer kappe. She would not get a chance to tell Eli whatever it was she wanted to tell him about Catrina. She sighed and followed the rest of the group into the front yard. Eli could sense her unhappiness, but he knew that there was nothing he could do to help her now. He would worry about it tomorrow. He refused to worry today. Today was the best day of his life.
* * *
Catrina had waited impatiently for Eli while he spoke to Gertrud in private. A stream of women had hurried to Catrina’s side as the news spread across the clearing. Everyone wanted to congratulate her and announce that they had known all along. “Really?” she asked. “Because it seems a very unlikely match, does it not?”
Then, everyone had to admit that it did. Although the Widow Yoder insisted that she had seen Catrina and Eli together at the last service and knew that opposites attract. “This was meant to be.”
“Ja!” the crowd agreed.
“We are nothing alike,” Catrina reminded them, and laughed.
“That is why I said opposites attract, dear,” the Widow Yoder retorted as she wagged a thin, knobby finger.
Catrina smiled. “I thought you might think that we are marrying too soon.”
“No,” Barbara Gruber said. “Not in the backcountry. Marriages happen fast here. A woman cannot manage alone.”
“Nor a man,” Berta Riehl added. “They don’t last long without a woman. A man doesn’t know the first thing about cooking or sewing or washing or mending. They are helpless out here in the wilderness without us.”
“Well said!” Barbara agreed.
“You know, Greta and Jacob did not know each other very long before they married.”
Catrina nodded. “True.” She remembered that situation all too well. She expected to feel that familiar pang of embarrassment at the memory of her failed courtship with Jacob, but it did not come. She realized that the embarrassment had lifted entirely. She had a new life to live now. Someone loved her and she loved him. Whatever had happened in the past did not matter. She had made her mistakes—and she had moved on.
The realization jolted her. Could she put away her mistake from two years ago, in Philadelphia? Perhaps knowing that she was loved and accepted would be enough. Catrina wanted that to be true. But it could not be. Not yet. First she had to come clean. She had to tell Eli about the mistake she made. Then she could truly be free.
A stab of worry shot up her spine. What if he did not want to marry her after she told him? Well, that can’t be helped. Either way, she would be free—either free to go on with him, or without him. Either way, she would not be hiding behind a secret anymore.
“Catrina, you really do look distracted.” Christina tugged Catrina’s arm. “Are you that nervous about the wedding? I should think a woman who fought off a wolf would not be afraid to make a little vow.”
“A little vow?” Hilda shook her head. “Christina, stop teasing the poor girl. She is clearly about to faint from nerves.”
Catrina did not want them to guess what was really troubling her. And besides, it did seem perfectly reasonable to be nervous about committing to a man for the rest of her life. “Ja.” She put a hand over her chest. “I am a little faint. I really would like to speak to Eli.” She had to get a moment alone with him. She had to tell him her secret.
“Absolutely not!” the Widow Yoder said. “That is the last thing that poor man needs. We all know that his nerves are far worse than yours. Why, he should consider himself fortunate that he hasn’t fainted dead away by now. The poor dear.”
“Really, that is too much,” Barbara Gruber said.
“Ach, if you know Eli, you know I am right.”
Christina laughed. “She is right. I wonder if Eli will survive the service. If we hear a thud coming from the men’s section, we know what happened.”
“I am not sure Catrina appreciates your comments,” Barbara said. “This is her husband-to-be that you are talking about! Men don’t faint!”
Catrina smiled. “If any man did, it would be Eli. And I love him for it.”
The Widow Yoder patted her hand.
“He doesn’t try to be what he is not, you know,” Catrina said. “He is kind and gentle and loving. He doesn’t go ransacking the forest, hunting and shooting and proving how manly he can be. He doesn’t chop down trees and skin game like some big, burly frontiersman. He is very talented at his work and he works hard and cares about people and loves me for who I am.”
Goodness! Had she just said all of those things to a crowd of women? She had not meant to. It just came pouring out. There were so many good things to say about Eli that she did not know how to stop. How could other women not see it? How could they all not be madly, head over heels in love with him? Of course, it was a good thing that they were not. That would be terribly awkward.
“Ah, here he is now.” Everyone’s attention turned to Eli, Jacob, and Greta as they filed into the front yard. Gertrud followed a few steps behind, her face a tight mask. Catrina felt a rush of relief as the women hurried to take their places on the benches that the men had set out in the front yard. She was glad that no one had time to respond to her emotional comments about Eli’s qualities. But the relief only lasted an instant. The men surrounded Eli and swept him to the men’s section of benches. She would not be able to speak to him.
Catrina felt her stomach drop. She barely noticed as Greta motioned for her to sit beside her. She slid into place and stared at Eli as he settled onto the bench across the aisle. Her stomach continued to sink. She had a terrible choice to make. She could go on with the wedding without disclosing her secret to Eli, or stop the wedding in front of the entire congregation. It was an impossible situation. No matter what she did, she would hurt Eli. How had it come to this? Why hadn’t she said something earlier? If only she had faced the truth head on, instead of avoiding him out of fear and shame. She had wanted her past to go away, but avoiding Eli had not made it go away. It had only made her burden greater. She had missed her chance to tell him. And now it was too late.
Catrina leaned forward on her bench. Her heart thumped against her teeth. She swallowed and tried to push the tension out of her throat. She had to stop the wedding. She could not start a marriage with a lie.