Chapter Twenty-Four
Catrina could not stay. She would not stay. They were married now and that could not be undone. But how could she live in a house where she was unwanted? Where every movement was watched with cold, calculating eyes that condemned her for a foolish mistake she had made when she was only a girl? Perhaps she could go to the bishop and tell him what she had done. Perhaps he could grant an annulment and free Eli from her. That was what he wanted. He had as good as said it. She loved him enough to set him free.
They did not speak again as they walked home. When they entered the cabin, the fire had burned down and the room felt cold and desolate. Catrina shivered and rubbed her arms. Eli did not move toward her. A few days ago he would have put an arm around her and held her close until she warmed. Now, he stalked to the hearth and began to stack fresh kindling. Still, he did not speak. Catrina watched Eli’s back as he dropped another stick of kindling into place. He did not turn around. She felt invisible, forgotten. Perhaps, in his heart, she was already gone.
Her mind swirled with plans. None of them made sense. None of them would work. But she could not think straight. All she could think was that she could not stay here any longer. Each minute inside the cabin stabbed her with condemnation. She did not belong there. She never had.
She would leave as soon as Eli fell asleep. He would awaken alone and feel relieved. He would not have to live with the regret that he admitted he felt.
* * *
Moonlight slipped through the shuttered windows and painted white streaks across the cabin walls. Catrina slid into her skirt and bodice without lighting a candle. She moved with the stealthy silence that comes with heartbreak. Each footstep sounded empty and meaningless. She felt as if she were already gone, as if she were already a ghost in the house.
Catrina glanced back before slipping out the door. The cabin looked neat and orderly in the thin moonlight. The loom and the spinning wheels stood empty and still. How she wished for the days of their courtship again, when the loom clattered and the spinning wheel turned and anything seemed possible. Nothing felt possible anymore.
The door shuddered as she closed it. She stared at the rough-hewn wood as she hovered just outside the threshold. The man she loved slept on the other side of that door. But he wished they had not married. She loved him enough to leave. It was what he wanted. And she would not humiliate or delude herself any longer by staying.
Catrina closed her eyes and ran her fingers down the door. The wood snagged her soft skin. She could see Eli’s face when he had been so in love with her. His big, goofy grin was imprinted inside her mind. He had been head over heels with adoration. He wanted her more than anything.
And now he did not want her at all.
Catrina opened her eyes. She sighed and stepped backward. The night would fade into morning soon. She could not wait any longer. It was time to go. But where? Back to her grandparents? No. She could not face disappointing them. She walked without thinking, until she could no longer see the cozy, familiar clearing. She walked until trees blocked the moonlight and she felt more alone than she ever had before. Catrina wished that she could walk forever and never stop. When she stopped she would have to face her problems. And she could not bear to face something that had no solution.
* * *
Eli woke up cold. He slung his arm across the straw pallet and felt cool, empty bedcovers. His eyes shot open. Where was his wife? He struggled into his woolen hosen and fumbled through the curtain. A terrible, terrible thought crept up his spine.
No. No, it could not be true.
He stared at the hearth. Empty. His eyes darted across the still, silent room. Empty. He told himself that Catrina was outside. Everything was all right. She went to fetch water or . . . or . . . something. There was an explanation. There had to be.
But that cold, unrelenting shiver up his spine told him otherwise. She had left him. She had realized who he was. No, she had realized who he wasn’t. He was not man enough for her. He could not stand up for her. He could not take care of her or protect her as she deserved. He had failed.
Eli’s words echoed inside his head. You should not have married me. He could still hear them ringing in his ears. Catrina’s face had looked startled, then calm after he had said it. He had had a wild, distant hope that she would disagree. She might have told him that she was glad to have married him or that she loved him enough to overcome his failures.
But that was not to be. Catrina had run her long, slim fingers over her bodice to smooth a wrinkle, then adjusted her sleeve, before answering him. She looked perfect. She was perfect. Nothing was out of place. Her gaze had turned distant, then. “No,” she had said in a very quiet voice. “I should not have. I am sorry that I did.”
Nothing could have been more devastating than that statement. His wife had become cold and unfeeling. And he had driven her to that point. He had kept his past secret. He had chosen Gertrud over Catrina and allowed his sister to push and push and push until Catrina snapped and could take it no more. She had become physically ill. And now, she had had enough. She was sorry that she had married him.
Eli threw open the door. His pulse thudded against his throat with a fierce hope that he would see her standing alone, silhouetted against the sunrise. But she was not there. The first streaks of light ran gray fingers across the clearing and illuminated the emptiness. There was only dirt and the wild grass that tried to overtake New Canaan’s fields. Catrina was gone.
* * *
Catrina walked until she could not walk anymore and then she kept walking. She almost wanted to get lost. That way she could disappear. But, that was childish foolishness. When she stopped to pull a stone from her shoe, Catrina realized that she did not recognize her surroundings and felt a stab of panic. So much for the bravado she had felt just moments before. The wilderness could swallow a settler forever. If she kept going westward she might walk and walk forever and never find her way again. The New World stretched into endless forests and unknown mountains. Suddenly, Catrina regretted her rashness. What had she been thinking? No one can run away from his or her problems. Problems always follow, until they are solved. Hadn’t she learned that when Gertrud appeared in New Canaan with knowledge of Catrina’s past?
She stopped, leaned against a sturdy oak, and closed her eyes. After a moment she realized that she could hear running water in the background. She knew to follow the river. It ran through the settlement, so if she walked alongside the bank, it would eventually take her home again.
Catrina stumbled through the underbrush, pausing every now and then to listen. The sound of water grew louder. How could she have been so foolish? She was not afraid of wolves or bobcats. Bears were a different matter, of course, but she had wandered the woods many times without meeting one. No, what scared her was the thought of walking forever and never reaching home again.
Home. The word made her think of the snug cabin she shared with Eli and Gertrud. She did not think of her grandparents’ place anymore. But how could home be a place where she was unwanted? She wondered what Eli was doing now. The sun was above the tree line. He would know that she had left by now. He would wonder where she had gone. She wondered where she had gone as well, but that was another matter.
Did he let out a long sigh of relief when he discovered her absence? Was he thankful to be free of her and her secrets? Lies, Gertrud had called them. Lies. Had she told him? She must have. There was no other explanation.
The water rose to a low roar. Catrina pushed a pine branch aside and saw white water rolling and skipping across the clear, rushing river. She would make it home again if she followed the water. But where would home be? Catrina could not bear to face it. She would have to move back in with her grandparents and endure the shame. Her husband did not want her. There was no place else to hide. She had already hidden in the farthest outpost possible. And she had been found.
Catrina sank onto a large, smooth rock. The surface felt warm and reassuring beneath her palms. She would stay awhile. She could not face going back just yet. She drew her knees under her chin and listened to the hum of the river. A school of minnows darted around the rock. Sunlight flashed off their silver scales and dappled the surface of the water with gold. It could have been beautiful and peaceful. It was not.
* * *
Eli woke Gertrud. “Have you seen Catrina?” Gertrud jumped up when she saw his expression. She put a hand on his shoulder. Her voice sounded softer than Eli expected. “Has she left you?” Her face looked full of pain and sympathy.
Eli’s Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat. He did not look up. “I don’t know. I think so.”
Gertrud sighed and followed Eli outside. He swept his hand across the empty clearing. “She’s gone.” He had expected it. Catrina had made her feelings clear the night before. But still, his world crumbled. He had to catch his breath. He had to understand how it had come to this. He leaned against the cabin and let his knees buckle. He slid down the wall, sat down hard in the dirt, and put his head in his hands. Gertrud settled onto the ground beside him.
“You’ll ruin your skirt,” Eli said. “You’re sitting in mud.”
“You know I don’t care about that.”
“No.”
Gertrud leaned her head against Eli’s shoulder. She did not speak, but Eli could feel something warm and reassuring in her silence. They stared at nothing until Eli finally spoke. “I suppose you’re happy now.”
“Oh, Eli.” Gertrud pressed a hand to her forehead. She squeezed her eyes shut. “This does not make me happy.”
“You wanted her gone the entire time she was here.”
“No.” Gertrud lifted her head from Eli’s shoulder. She put a warm, calloused hand on his arm. “I wanted her to be better than she was. I knew it would end like this. I wanted to protect you from this.”
“Gertrud.” He shook his head in a slow, resigned movement. Something welled up from his stomach. He could feel it building. The hurt and frustration could not be tapped down. He blamed himself. But Gertrud had played a part in it as well. “Don’t you see that you helped cause this?” His voice was stronger and louder than he meant it to be. But he could not stop. His Catrina was gone. “Don’t you see that you helped drive her away? If you had accepted her from the beginning she might still be here.”
Gertrud sucked in her breath. She sat still and silent for a long, difficult moment. “I pray that you are wrong. Surely I did not . . .”
Eli shifted away from his sister to look at her. Her face looked pale and drawn. Her brows crunched together in an expression that seemed caught between confusion and regret. Gertrud rubbed her hand across her mouth in a slow, anxious movement. She stared at her leather shoes. “I have seen you hurt for so many years. I could not bear to see more hurt come into your life.”
“You have seen me hurt? I don’t understand.”
She let out a shaky breath of air. “There are things that we should have spoken of, but have not because of the pain it would cause us both.”
Eli clenched his jaw. He could not talk about that. He could only bear so much at one time. “I can’t—”
“I understand. We won’t speak of that today. Not now.” Gertrud turned her face to his. Her eyes were wet, but she held back the tears. Her lip trembled from the effort. “Just know that I wanted you to be free from it all. I wanted you to be happy. And I knew that Catrina would not bring you that happiness. She would only bring you more pain.”
“How? I love her.”
Gertrud nodded. “I know. That is why I have been so concerned for you.” Gertrud put her hand on Eli’s elbow. Her fingers tightened around his arm. “I wanted to protect you from it all.”
Eli shook his head. “You cannot protect me from life. We both know that.”
Gertrud nodded. “No. But I thought I could protect you from her.” She stared at him for a moment as she planned her words. “Catrina left a man in Philadelphia.”
Eli’s expression changed. His jaw flexed. “Go on.”
“They were not married. She was ruined, of course. But that is not my concern.” Gertrud swept her hand through the air. “That was in the past, before she came to be one of us.”
Eli’s face looked very, very serious. He did not respond.
“The problem is that she left him. People said that she was the type of woman who chooses a man and leaves him when she tires of him. She had no shame, no remorse. It was all a game to her.”
Eli let the words sink in. He shifted his legs and stared into the distance. “That does not sound like Catrina.”
“No. But all of Philadelphia society agreed. I have it on very good authority. You never went to the shops. I was the one who heard it all.”
Eli’s eyes stayed on the tree line. Memories of Catrina spun across his mind. Had it all been an act? Had it all been a game? He was not the type of man to attract a woman as beautiful as Catrina. Was it all some sort of sick, calculated joke to her?
He could not believe it. He would not believe it. Gertrud was wrong. They were all wrong. He would find her and she would tell him it was not true. None of it was true.
“Are you all right?” Gertrud asked in a voice so soft that he could barely hear it.
Eli nodded. “I will be. When she tells me none of it is true. She never would have kept it from me.”
Gertrud closed her eyes. The tears that she had held back began to slip through her clenched lids. “Oh, Eli. How I wish you were right.”
Eli managed to force a little smile. “Bear up, Gertie. We’ll both find out soon enough.”
Gertrud’s eyes flew open. “What are you going to do?”
“I’m going to find my wife.”